Today is Monday and it is a true Monday. I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was crawl back under the covers and go to sleep. However, Tau & Kali have gotten use to spending the first 10 minutes of their day making sure no-one invaded their backyard while they slept. So if I am not up and out of bed a second after the alarm goes off, they will literally stand on me until I get up. They are my furry, warm alarm clocks.
Yesterday was a tough day. I think it is because I am tired 2 months of non stop working has started to take its toll. And when I get tired, I get mean. This can be fun for some and not so much fun for others. Yesterday, was all about bashing the ex day, in my head of course. Because it does not boad well to tell grieving families your stories of a break up. Believe me when I tell you they don't care.
But, what got me intrigued about my day of bashing is that a short 5 months ago I was telling myself that I was going to handle my separation like an adult. I was a grown woman and this was nothing new to me. I was going to come out of this with my ex as a friend. Hold on.....I even laugh when I type it. MY EX AS A FRIEND. What the hell was I smoking. Honestly, a friend. My mom has a great saying "With friends like that who needs enemies." I never knew what that comment meant until now.
Way back at the end of May when we "called it a day" I had so much trust that I could do this gracefully and tactfully. I was going to be nice, I was going to be cordial and above all I was not going to end up hating my ex. I don't like hating people. Hate much like jealousy is a one sided emotion. The ex's do not care if you hate them or if you are jealous. They are not in the picture anymore so big freaking deal. Hate and jealousy are a one woman kind of emotion. So really it is a waste of time. Well try telling that to my PMS'ing, hormonal, emotions. Right now they are loving the hating aspect of a relationship.
I think back to 5 short months ago and I remember thinking in a few weeks he will change his mind and want to get back together, then it was a few months, then it was a few years he will find what he is looking for and want to get back together. I am ashamed to say that these thoughts got me through many a rough day and night. Until now.
What the hell was I thinking, worse yet, what the hell was I telling myself this bullshit fairy tale for. This is a person who in no uncertain terms told me that he has never really liked me, he just assumed he could grow to like me, he has always had issues with my weight, but he thought he could grow to be okay with it. This is a person who had no regard for my feelings at all, he had no regard for my life, nor my happiness. His only regard was for what he wanted and what he could get out of it. To him the most important thing on his plate was getting the hell away from me so he could find enlightenment or whatever ya-ya 70's bs he is looking for. Basically, a commitment and a promise he made to me 7 years ago meant nothing and was worthless, because he is an honest person he had to be honest to himself. It did not matter who got screwed in the process as long as he was happy. (told you I was PMS'ing).
Anyway, back to the story, so I was driving home yesterday after day 47 of full time work and I was thinking about my trip to Texas. This is the first time in many years I am actually anxious to leave town. I can't wait, my fear is that I won't want to come back. I thought what if I move back to Texas and create a life for myself and #3 comes along with his sad little face telling me he was wrong and he wants us to get back together, what am I going to do? Oh the things that went through my head were great. I had everything from slamming the door in his face to actual causing bodily harm to him.
It was after episode 99 of fun ways to slam a door on someone that I realized I was doing everything I did not want to do. I was not doing this gracefully nor tactfully. I was not coming out of this with an ex for a friend. And do you know what I don't give a damn. I did not care that he has knock #2 of the top spot on my list of people to haunt and drive crazy when I die. I don't care that I can't have good feelings towards him. Because as of today, I am taking a note from his book of life and I am being honest with myself and I don't care if he gets screwed in the process as long as I am happy.
So you ask if he shows up with flowers and gifts would I take him back. As of today, no thank you. One thing I have learned through the last 5 months is that promises come and go, committements are just words but my emotions and feelings are me and I'll be damned if I let anyone have the chance to destroy them again.
Okay, I will be out of town until next week. So I may not do any updates. I will try to keep everyone updated and I promise I will be back and I will not be PMS'ing anymore.
Posted by
Cynthia