Memorial Day Memories

Memorial Weekend is approaching and even though it is not the same date as last year it will always have a new meaning to me. Yes, it was the end of my marriage last year or as we now refer to it “Let’s Call It A Day” Day. But that is not how I want to remember it. It will always be another day in the year that I got shafted by a man, but in all honesty that probably has happened every day of the year if I really think about it. With that in mind it has been a very odd couple of weeks. I have been sort of…I don’t know what the word for it is. So I will describe it.

First off I am happy to say that I am no longer lingering over old memories. That was really the worst part of all of this, remembering times and places were I “thought” we had so many great memories. But I came to realize that the only one who had the great memories was me. Why? Well one of the things I have done the last few weeks is to follow Z and the Boy’s advice on researching NPD. Their thought was that if I could understand the “ism’s” of someone who has NPD I could let go of the hurt and anger easier. I hate to tell them but that was not the case. I still felt hurt and angry but then I felt used; really used.

I think back to the way he spent months “wooing” me. I remember the wonderful, kind and loving things he would say. The man drove from Tucson to Texas just to spend the weekend with me. Who does that if they don’t love you or at least like you a little? Then to realize that it was all a lie is beyond devastating. It was simply a ploy to get me on board so that he could have a partner. When it got boring he tossed me overboard like a bag of garbage off a cruise ship. You may be asking why this would be helpful to know about. It really is, it is easier to get over something when you realize you did nothing wrong they are just mentally ill.

So to help me deal with this I continued to purge my life of anything related to our relationship and/or marriage. I got rid of all photos of him, which was fun. I went through boxes and boxes of photos and gave them back, including our wedding photos. I also gave back any memento I had from our wedding, honeymoon and trips. What was I going to do with them, a lie is a lie and there was no reason to keep them. The hardest thing to give back was a piece of Lapis he sent me for my 32^nd birthday. It is carved into an intertwining moon and sun. It was really beautiful, he asked for it back. That is class. Let me tell you. I considered this one of my most treasured possession, as I sat on my bed holding it and reading in my BOS about the day I got it and all the dreams I had of our life together, I realized it was a gift based on something I thought was real and in fact it was nothing more than a bad fiction story. So I gave it back, I did ask him not to give it other woman since it was a birthday gift to me and just in case he does, I put a bit of a spell on it that if it is given as a gift to any other woman (or man for that matter) as long as they have it they will be “disturbed” by it. Okay, Okay, I’m healing but that does not mean I can’t do a little spell casting here and there.

I am now continuing road to healing by the process of nesting. Either I will finally get done or have to move and start over on another house. Either is fine with me at this point.

Even More Weird Questions About Me

Tired of those same old 55 questions about me surveys? Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered.
1. Is your second toe longer than your first?Nope
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?Any Blue Medium Point Pens
3. Look at your planner for Sept 14, what were you doing?Josh was here so playing.
4. What color are your toenails usually?au naturel or red
5. What was the last thing you highlighted?My hair
6. What color are your bedroom curtains?Red
7. What color are the seats in your car?Grey
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?Yes. Alex.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?Package to my mom
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?Joshua, Curtis and his family, Nathan, a few other of Joshua's friends
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?To buy a bike
12. Whose is the last baby that you held?Connor, my friend Kelly's baby
13. Unlucky #?No number is unlucky
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste? Never tried it
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago? Chevy Malibu
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?I have no idea what either of these are.
17. Last time you went to Six Flags?So long ago I forgot but Joshua was about 9 or 10
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?No
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?Highlighter on my desk
20. Last person to give you a business card?No idea
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?My mom
22. Closest framed picture to you?None
23. Last time you had someone cook for you?When I was home last February.
24. Have you ever applied for welfare?No
25. How many email accounts do you have?Two personal ones that I use gmail and yahoo and 2 work ones RPI and French Mortuary
26. Last time you received flowers?No one gives me flowers.
27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?No way let everyone be tortured by marriage.
28. Do you play air guitar? No
29. Has anyone ever proposed to you? Unfortunately yes and again unfortunately I said yes
30. Do you take anything in your coffee?Don't drink coffee
31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines? I have no idea what these are
32. What is/was your high school's rival mascot?Pasadena Eagles so I guess an Eagle
33. Last person you spoke to from high school? Don't know
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?Yesterday
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?No, I'll leave that to Deb
36. What color are the blinds in your living room? White
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper? The Sunday Paper
39. What was the last pageant you attended?Can't say I've ever attended one.
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from? Don't eat pizza
41. Have you ever worn a crown? Yes, Sandy gave me one for my birthday a few years ago
42. What is the last thing you stapled?a fax
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi? Always, but Diet Pepsi
44. Are you ticklish? No that is just annoying
45. Last time you saw fireworks?New Years
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?Last time I drove through San Antonio Texas
47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned it?I never listen to the messages I just call them back from caller ID
48. Last time you parked under a carport?When I went to finalize my divorce papers 3 weeks ago
49. Do you have a black dog?Yes my pretty princess, Kali
50 . Have you had your mid life crisis yet?Yes, I started with my Over the Hill 30th birthday. Apparently my family does not expect me to make it too long
51. Are you an aunt or uncle?I am the greatest aunt in the world
52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of? Franklin my hamster and Tau
53. Believe in Karma?Of course what do you think got me through my divorce.
54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?I know my nephew Joe but he is cute as a bug
55. Do you have a little black dress?I work at a funeral home so I have several black dresses and believe it or not I don't wear any of them to work.

I'm a Winner at a Losing Game

My attempts at dating are not going so well. I have had plenty of prospective dates contact me and some are not too shabby. I have gone on a few dates here and there, talked to some guys on the phone, emailed back and forth, you know the usual. I did all the things you do to prepare for dating again, got my nails done, painted the toes, shaved above my knee, I even bought condoms. Although I am not sure if that is so I am prepared or if it was wishful thinking. Either way I think it was the first time in my life that I have ever bought condoms. I have been in committed relationships since I was 14 there was not a need for condoms. But either way, I felt embarrassed yet liberated all at the same time. And a little disappointed when the cashier did not even take notice that I was buying them. Maybe if she was a he I would have gotten a better reaction.

So you would think that if I was going through all this preparation I would be ready for the guys right? Alas this is where it gets a bit mental. First off the date goes well, I actually enjoy myself and then it happens, he wants to see me again. Damn those 2nd dates. In order to see me again he has to do the "wooing" which is usually telling you how much they like you and what a good time they had. Okay that is fine but when the compliments start coming in so do the doubts. He tells me how nice I looked, I doubt him, he tells me he liked my toe nail polish, I get suspicious, he calls me a cute name and I get offended. What the hell is wrong with me?

As I often do when I am confused I started a little self therapy to see what is wrong with me. It then hits me, this is exactly what #2 and #3 did. Well #2 was better at it than #3 was; but either way it was not because they truly felt this way it was because they wanted to "reel me in" as #3 so eloquently put it. They are just saying this because they know as women we want to hear this. So now in a time when I would like to hear it, because it has been years since a man has given me true compliment in a romantic fashion, I am doubting him. Because the only compliments I have gotten from a romantic person in the past has lead to heart ache. So much so that I am canceling dates because I am so skeptical of the whole dating process.

This has lead me to decide that maybe I am not really ready for dating after all. I love the idea of it but I think until my own mental health is healthy again dating should be put on the back burner. I have decided that when a man looks me in the eyes and tells me I am beautiful I want to blush with happiness and I want to go weak in the knees. I don't want to start wondering why he is telling me this.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there. Be you biological mothers, step mothers, adoptive mothers, mothers of dogs, cats, fish or anything else that requires you to take care of them.

Mothers Day is one of the holidays that are fun. You are only expected to purchase a gift for your mother or grandmother, unless you are married and you best get something for the mother of your children. I love those men who say "She's not my mother!" Oh really, well who do they think does all those things around the house when they are gone, the house elves. As far as I know those only exist in Harry Potter books. Whether she is your mother or not she is the mother of your children and deserves a gift. So go out and get her something for goodness sakes. Look at it this way, if you have the foresight to get your wife a mothers day present without her telling you too you will definitely get lucky later.

Since my mommy lives in Texas and all I can do is mail her present to her. Which I already did, I get a bit sentimental and we know my standing against sentimental things. But these are good things. I was sitting her thinking of all the crazy things my mom has done in my life and all the fond memories I have of being a mom so I thought I would share them with you. These are not in chronological order because I have a hard enough time remembering what day it is today much less when a memory happened. But here are some of my fondest memories of my mom and being a mom.

Memories of my mom:

1. My mother trying to take us to a new restaurant that served free steak. It turned out to be a strip club.
2. My mother bringing home every colored animal at Easter time, chickens were always dead a few days to weeks later. Ducks lived until we got tired of them and took them to the country. Rabbits lived until they died of old age running free in the backyard.
3. My mother yelling at us and not getting our name right. Therefore we were called every name she could think of until she was done.
4. My mom using anything as an excuse for a party with cake, such as; last day of school.
5. My mom going to every school event for 5 kids and anyone that she was babysitting at the time. That was every band concert, school play, choir concert, graduation, etc.
6. My mom trying to kill us in East Texas by taking a 30 MPH turn at 50, Thank God we had the insight to grab our friend Carol as she slid out the window.
7. My mom having an allergic reaction to eating tomatoes straight out of the field in Florida and finding every dark spot in Disney World so she could scratch.
8. My mom and daddy fighting over directions and driving. Just because they are always so funny and both are right.
9. My mom having her dream wedding for their 30 anniversary with all 8 of their kids involved as well as the grand kids.
10. Always trying to embarrass me by telling me they are naked when I walk into the house. Actually this is more my dad than mom but they still get a kick out of hearing me tell them "I can't afford therapy this week".
11. And just one from my daddy, him telling us of the first time he saw my mom driving with 3 kids in the car (With Chris, hanging out of the car window) and he still wanted to date her.

Memories of Being a Mom

1. Joshua giving me a Ninja Turtle action figure as a gift and as soon as I opened it saying "If you don't like it I really do."
2. Joshua giving me a tire gauge as a gift because it was shiny.
3. Begging to have his room done in 101 Dalmatians only to refuse to sleep in there because the "dogs" are looking at him.
4. Naming everything Charlie after some stray he adopted died because it was too stupid to get out of the road.
5. Joshua taking my hand when I picked him up from the daycare late and telling me "We will discuss this when we get home."
6. Joshua telling me he knows where puppies come from because the baby sitter's dog had puppies. When I asked where he said "The garage".
7. Joshua and Eric throwing Casey to the werewolf in the haunted house so they could run away. Casey is still probably muttering "They fed me to the werewolf".
8. Spending hours upon hours driving around the state of Texas collecting beanie babies.
9. The traumatized look on Joshua's face when he was watching National Geographic and saw a baby seal being born. His only response to this was "That's not it's tummy"
10. Joshua seeing his first Picasso and stating quite frankly "I can do that" at age 5.

Of course there are a million more memories from both my mom and Joshua but these are just a few.

Girl of the 21st Century

I’m a girl of the 21st century, so what if it has taken me almost 8 ½ years to become one. So what have I done that is so magnificent? Nothing much but I just feel that way. As I said in a few posts ago, I signed up with a new internet dating service called Plenty of Fish (http://www.plentyoffish.com/) the best part of this site is that it is free. In case I have not mentioned before online dating services are a bit pricey and if we are being honest I am really too cheap to pay for a date. I will pay for dinner or a movie once we are on a date but I am not paying for them to tell me who they think I should go out with. For all my friends out there that are in a nice secure relationship and for those few who are secure without a relationship let me take you through the process of registering with an online dating service. First off you have to choose a screen name since I lack the creativity it takes to come up with cool hip screen names I always stick with cindy, cindycribbs or in this case zeire, and in case you are wondering Z is not happy that I am using his name for dating purposes. But that is life it was what I came up with at the time.

The main profile page has the typical questions you would imagine. Here is my profile page http://www.plentyoffish.com/member7489521.htm

Here are the questions it asks and my answers see what you think:

Set #1:
Screen name and tagline: Zeire Staring Over Again
City: Albuquerque
Sign: Capricorn
Height: 5'4
Age: 40
Ethnicity: Caucasian with Brown Hair
Smoker: No
Body Type: A Few Extra Pounds
Religion: New Age

So these are the first set of questions you are asked. They are easy and straight forward no big deal. You are given the option of putting a picture with your profile which I did.

Set #2:
I am seeking a: Man
For: Hanging Out
Do you drink? No
Marital Status: Divorce
Profession: Word Processing Specialist
Do you want Children? No
Do you do drugs? No
Do you have Children?All my kids are over 18

I understand these questions except for Do you do drugs? First off, who is going to answer, "Sure, I snort a little cocaine before every date"? and why is this question in between Do you want children and do you have children? Maybe because if you have or want kids you will do or want to do drugs?

Set #3:
Interests:
Reading, Shopping, Traveling and Writing.

They did not give you the option of ghost hunting, cemetery exploring, playing with dead people, etc.

Set #4:
About Me:

I am newly divorced and ready to start having fun again. It has been a long time since I hit the dating scene and like most people out there I am not sure what to expect or what is expected of me. I am an old fashion southern girl which means that I enjoy having fun but I have manners and expect those I am with to have manners as well. I will tell you up front that this is the one post you will probably ever see that will tell you I do not like the outdoors. Every post I read they all love the outdoors, hiking, biking, camping, etc. I am up for a nice stroll or picnic outdoors but I do not camp outdoors. Now if it is the beach that is another story all together. I will take any opportunity to go to the beach.I would best describe my lifestyle as laid back. I enjoy spending time with friends laughing over dinner, I enjoy spending time with my dogs walking through the park.The one thing that makes me unique is I have some very odd hobbies that I take very seriously. Once I know someone better I am happy to tell you about them.

As you can tell I was as honest as I dared to be. And believe it or not I have gotten a nice response based on my being honest about what I want and don't want. Did you know that there are not alot of women out there who want to spend every date hiking and getting dirty and sweaty. Who knew?

Set #5:

First Date:

The feature that captures my attention is someone's sense of humor and how they treat others. I enjoy a person that does not take life to seriously and leaves the drama to television.In our free time, my ideal match and I would spend time out on the town, exploring different places and Sundays would be a relaxed day either at home or walking around Santa Fe, Taos or any other location of interest.Religion does not play a huge part in my life, but is a part of my life. I am not interested in dating anyone who is interested in converting me to christianity or any other religion. On that note fundamentalists come with all religions I am comfortable with my own path and do not require guidance towards any other. But if you are comfortable with someone who is not in a mainstream religion then by all means let's meet.

Even though I stated it clearly, I still get those who want to convert me. Lord have mercy on your crazy followers.

Since signing up last Friday, I have already had one date and we are going out again this weekend. As always I will keep you posted on the happenings in my new dating life.

Sharkbait Cribbs

CRIBBS - Sharkbait Cribbs, age 3, went to the Celestial Pond of Summerland, May 7, 2008. It was a brief passing for your fishy friend with no suffering. Sharky, as he is known to those who loved him, will be remembered fondly. He leaves behind his 2 K-9 siblings, Tau and Kali, 1 rodent brother, Franklin, his human Auntie Phyllis and his human Mom, Cindy. The house will be empty without Sharky and his constantly bubbling aquarium. Tau said it best by stating:"We will never forget the way he went round and round in the toilet bowl before taking the final swirl into the afterlife. I loved my fish brother" Kali, was too emotional for words when she realized that by saying her final goodbyes that did not include her getting to eat him. Out of the entire family, Franklin is the most distraught. As a newcomer to the family Sharky was always there to comfort him and talk him through the lonely hours of the night. His family asks that in lieu of flowers contributions be made to your favorite fish charity in Sharkbaits memory.

Living the Single Life

I have been single for 12 days and it has been a pretty active 12 days. Mostly I have been working but there has been some play mixed in. One of the problems I faced when the divorce was finalized was that I did not feel the way I “thought” I should feel. I was not thrilled and over the moon with happiness that it was finally over which was so odd for me that I was thrown for a loop as we say in the south.

But as the days have passed my attitude has changed, I am still not over the moon but I think that is because this was such a traumatic event that I am relieved it is over and just ready to move on. I guess the biggest thing I have been doing for the past few weeks is what Phyllis and I are referring to as “nesting”. I have been working on making my little house a home. For the time being I am here in New Mexico, I do not know how long that will be for but while I am here I might as well enjoy my space. So I have been doing all those girlie things, buying curtains, blinds, pictures, frames, everything you can think of. Now I just have to find the time to actually put it all up. But that is coming slowly.

Last week I signed up with an internet dating service. I promise I am not crazy nor am I looking for #4 I am just looking for someone. As much as I do not want a serious relationship I do miss the companionship of a man. It will be interesting I think because I have to explain to them that I am not looking for a husband or boyfriend, I am looking for a friend with possible benefits. It seems most men my age want to settle down and I can understand that so I am just preparing myself for the inevitable argument.

So this was a big step for me, I put my profile online and I was actually honest. I did leave out the part about not dating anyone with kids, I figured since I am not looking for a serious relationships, kids did not matter at the moment. I did put the religious part, that if they are looking to convert me don’t. I have gotten a pretty good response from some nice guys. At least I think they are nice, since at the beginning you are just email back and forth it really is hard to know. But I go based on the vibration I get from looking at their picture as well as reading their emails. Some of them I have gotten a bit of an off vibe from and I just don’t respond to them or I tell them up front that I am not interested.

I have found that dating at 40 is much different than dating at 20 or even 30. You are more mature and more confident with yourself. I also know myself so much better than I did even 10 years ago and I am able to pick up pretty fast on if someone is going to be able to mesh with me and my energy. But the best part is at this age, I am not afraid to be upfront and tell someone I am not interested. Before I was worried if I would hurt their feelings, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I also do not want to get into any type of situation with someone I don’t like.

I still have some leftover issues from things that #3 has said, but I am trying to not let those interfere with what I am doing. It is not easy sometimes especially the weight issues. It is very hard not to let that pop up in my mind every time someone says I am pretty or nice. But, I am going to work on that and banishing those thoughts from my head.