Out of the Mouth of Babes

The best quote from my mothers recent visit and I forgot to share it with everyone.

As we were driving back to Albuquerque we stopped in Gallup New Mexico for gas. For the record, I don't care much for Gallup other than ghost hunting at the El Rancho Hotel that is politely referred to as the porn palace because of the bright pink neon lights there is not much there.

Anyway, back to the story, as we turned off the highway I noticed a carnival in the parking lot of a shopping mall. Jokingly I suggested we go to the carnival but my mother (the word of wisdom) said that traveling carnival's are not safe.

Up pipes little Joe all the way in the back of the van who had a great idea. Joe's suggestion was and I quote:

"Why don't we go to a church so I can get baptized. Then we can go to the carnival. That way if I die then I will go to heaven."

I kid you not, the 8 year old figured out the way around the whole dangerous carnival and was just so damn cute in his explanation. I am thinking he may have a career in the legal field in a few years.

Memories of a Friend

Life and death takes on a different meaning when it is someone you know. This is an obvious observation right? If so why is so hard to accept death when it is someone you know?

My brother David called me last night about 9:45 pm. First off this was a scary thing, because my brother never calls me and it was almost 11 o’clock in Houston so it could not be good. He was calling to tell me that his best friend George had been killed in a car accident last week. I was shocked, you just never expect someone you know to die. I don’t know why this is but it is. From what I understand they think he had a heart attack while driving to work on the freeway. From the newspaper reports I read this morning, his truck hit 2 other cars on the freeway, hurting the driver of one car and the occupants of the 3rd car were unharmed.

I know that this happened because it was his time to leave this life and begin another life, but when it is someone you grew up with and spent a lot of time with as a kid it is harder to accept. I spent most of the night thinking back on all my memories with George and I am happy to say there are no bad memories. We went to high school together; he was in the band with David and at one point lived with us for awhile. George and I went out on a few dates together usually band events such as dinners and banquets. He was an amazing opera singer, a father to two beautiful little girls, and a friend to more people that I am sure I knew about. The last time I saw George was about 2 years ago, when I was in Texas. I went to dinner with my brother and his family and George went with us. George picked me up at my parent’s house and my mother made a point of telling him to keep his hands to himself and behave since I was a married woman. Leave it to my mom. After dinner before he took me back to my mom’s house we stopped at a bar for drinks and just to visit and catch up on what each other had been doing in their lives. We had a nice evening and I really enjoyed myself. I did make the mistake of telling #3 and he got very upset that I would have “drinks” with someone else and I never did with him. But if I think about that is because he never asked me too. It also brought home that our relationship was changing drastically, since he would have never gotten jealous in the past. After that George and I talked via email for a few weeks and then went our own ways again. Life did what it always does and we each got caught up in our own again.

As the night turned into morning and I started getting myself mentally ready to get out of bed, I was hit with the same feeling that I have gotten as long as I can remember. The feeling of pure jealousy, I always get jealous when someone I know dies because they are getting to go to the other side, somewhere I am so interested and curious about. Now, before you start calling 911 to have me committed, I am not plotting my death. I have had these feelings since I was a little kid. It is like when you friends get to go to six flags and they come back and tell you all about it and you know you won’t get to go anytime soon and you are jealous of that experience they had and you were left out. I think part of it is that I know what I do when I am on the other side, I know what my job is there and I want to get back to doing it. I also know that until my time is finished here I can’t do that. So don’t panic I am not going anywhere at the present moment in time.

Today they held a memorial service for George in Texas, unfortunately I was not able to attend. But, I will hold my own memorial service tonight. I will light my candles and say a prayer that he finds everything he ever wanted in Summerland. I will invite him to my house any time he feels the need to cross over into this dimension, I hope he comes back to sing in my house that would be really nice, an opera singing ghost in my house. Sweet.

A Visit from my Mom

A few weeks ago my mother came to town with her two friends, Darlene and Melinda, my nephew Joseph and Darlene's grandson Corey. This was the second time in 8 years that my mother has visited me. The first time was in 2004 she came out in December to go to my companies Christmas party since #3 was out of town. We had a great time but she had some problems with the altitude. I have to say I was surprised when she said she wanted to come out and bring friends. I was nervous since I have not done a lot of entertaining in the last few years. The only person besides Joshua that visits is Deb. As the weeks progressed, I spent a lot of time getting my house in order and trying to figure out where I was going to sleep 6 people in my little house. I was also trying to figure out how to entertain everyone with a trip to the Grand Canyon. Josh and I went there for his birthday last year and it was really pretty but not much to do for long.

The trip started off to a great start, Joshua was arriving on Wednesday night and he was staying at my house with the kids, while the ladies and I drove west; Joshua flight was to arrive from Denver at 11:00 p.m. but there was one delay after another and he did not actually get in until 1:00 am by the time we got his luggage and back home it was late or early depending on how you looked at it. My mom’s group arrived on Thursday morning at 9:00 a.m. and we were to head out right away. I wanted to get to Arizona around 2 or 3. Their flight arrived on time and we headed off to get the rental car. We were smart and rented a mini van, lots of room and not bad on gas. The interesting thing was that it was freezing that morning. It was June and so cold, but they enjoyed it since it had been 90 in Houston for weeks.

Once we got the van I kissed Josh goodbye and started the drive West. Now, remember this was the farthest West my mom has ever been, I don’t know about her friends but they were all excited. I pointed out a few things along the way, but if you have ever drove I-40 out of Albuquerque you know there is not much to see. Just lots of open land, we stopped in Sky City on the Acoma Pueblo to get gas and stop at Mickey D’s, this was the first stop and my mom found a slot machine. Apparently it was the frog game she likes so we played slots in the truck stop for a while before we started out again. The road continued and we passed Grants and then Gallup, not long before you get to the Arizona border there is a tourist attraction on the side of the road. I have never stopped there but one thing I learned about this group, they were all about the tourist traps. So we spent some time looking at “authentic” Native American jewelry, pots, arrows, etc. They even had a little farm area with horses, pigs, goats and a buffalo.

After that we were on the road again, our destination for the night was Sedona; I wanted to take my mom to somewhere that I loved and to a place that held so much peace for me. We stopped in Flagstaff for lunch and headed down 89A for the drive down the mountain and into Oak Creek Canyon. I stopped at an overlook so they could get their first glimpse of the beauty of Arizona only to discover that they could hardly breath in the high altitude. A small walk from the parking lot to the overlook had them completely winded. I was baffled until Phyllis pointed it out later. We headed down the road into Sedona and checked into the hotel. Everyone was happy and comfortable in their surroundings. Mom, Darlene and the kids went to swim in the pool and Melinda and I hit the streets of Sedona for some serious crystal and gem shopping. One of my main thoughts about Sedona was that the grocery store was a half a block away and they sold Blue Bell ice cream, so I walked over and got my favorite.

The morning came early for me since I was up half the night watching Mystery Diagnosis on the health channel. But we got up and drove up to the airport so they could look out over Sedona. I took the time to hike back down the mountain and get my mind focused and enjoy the quiet that was until my mother drove up behind me while I was in the middle of mediating and honked the horn. But that did not diminish the beauty of where I was. There is something about Sedona, just spending the night there does so much for my inner peace, it is my grown up sanctuary. When I was a kid I always thought of my grandmothers house in Florida as my sanctuary because nothing bad ever happened to me there and now that she is gone I look as Sedona as my place to go for solitude and renewal.

After lunch we headed North to the Grand Canyon having to stop only once or twice for tourist things. We got to the Grand Canyon and the ladies were hit with the stress of hiking in the high altitude but the kids were great. So we left the ladies to their leisurely stroll and went off on our own. This was the most amazing part of the whole trip, when Joseph and Cory saw the Grand Canyon for the first time, I heard the words, beautiful and amazing coming from the mouths of an 8 year old and an 11 year old. They were memorized by it. I had forgot how it feels to see something from the perspective of a kid, they are so open to new adventures and their passion is plain and simple and when they see something they like they say so.

We did not spend a large amount of time at the Grand Canyon since we had to head back to Albuquerque and Joe wanted to go to the gift shop. The drive back was uneventful but a long drive after playing all day. We got back to Albuquerque about 2 a.m. (another long night for me). Saturday, we spent the day playing around New Mexico, we explored Tent Rocks. http://www.blm.gov/nm/st/en/prog/recreation/rio_puerco/kasha_katuwe_tent_rocks.html,

Joe and Corey were really interested in anything Native American and rocks. So what better place than there to take them? Besides it is just cool. After that we drove up to Santa Fe and took the Turquoise Trail (http://www.byways.org/explore/byways/2094/) down the mountain. The one thing my mom wanted to do was drive up to Sandia Crest (http://www.turquoisetrail.org/sandiacrest.htm) so we took the scenic drive down and then up. Unfortunately due to the winds we could not take the tram or the ski lift during this trip but it was still beautiful to see. After this the day was slower, the ladies went to the casino and Josh & I took the boys to play putt putt golf.

Everyone headed home on Sunday morning and I was left exhausted and ready for the next vacation. Once everyone left and I finally went to bed for some well deserved sleep I did not wake up. Monday came and I was still asleep until the office called looking for me because I am never and hour and a half late getting in. I was confused because I was sure it was Sunday and not Monday. They are still laughing at me every chance they get.

Religious Confusion

Religious confusion that is my dilemma, as most of you know I was raised in the Catholic church and at the age of 15 I acknowledged that I was not a Catholic but not sure what I was, within a short period of time I started to realize that the Pagan lifestyle was my lifestyle. So for the past 25 years I have identified my religious self as a Pagan. Even though I prefer not to have a religion at all. I like my lifestyle and I like the way of life I live, I do not do well when I am put someone’s schedule of when and where to praise an unseen being. So where am I confused you ask?

Tonight I spoke to my nephew Joseph; he has spent the last week at camp through their church. He was very excited to tell me about his week, he was even more excited to tell me that he was saved. I asked him what he was saved from and he just repeated that he was saved. I again asked from what, was there a bear, a bug or worse some pervert lurking around the camp. He said “No I was saved. I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.” What the hell does that mean?

At first I just thought it was funny and cute. He was so excited about being “saved” and that in itself was cute. But then I started getting worried, does an 8 year old know what this means? Does an 8 year old understand the impact of what he is doing and agreeing to? I wonder because I am 40 and had no idea what it meant when he said he was saved. If a 40-year-old person did not understand how does an 8 year old understand?

Was this camp a place where they get the kids together and spend a week brain washing them to believe that the only way to have a happy life is to agree to be “saved” by someone that supposedly died 2000 years ago? This is a kid that does not understand the concept of me living 1000 miles away and that when I say I put a package in the mail it takes several days to get there. How is it possible for him to understand the concept of the Christian faith? Is it right to push adult beliefs on an 8 year old kid simply because you believe them?

Do we now start telling him that as long as he asks for forgiveness no matter what the sin may be he will be allowed entrance into the gates of Heaven? Where is the right and wrong in that lesson? Where is the lesson that you will pay a price for wrong doings? You are basically telling a kid “Don’t worry about what you do, as long as you are baptized and saved you have the golden ticket into heaven.”

I never agreed with the idea of baptizing a baby, because the belief behind the baptism is that that baby is a sinner. How can anyone look at a baby and believe they are a sinner. From what I remember from my catholic upbringing to sin meant that you broke one or more of the 10 commandments. How can a newborn infant break a commandment? Let’s review them since I could not tell you what they were.

1) You shall have no other gods before me - I don’t see a child much less an infant having any gods before anyone else. The only thing they idolize at this point in life it their mother and that’s cause she has the milk and clean pampers.

2) You can’t have any carved images. - I can’t even explain this one. If a baby was making carved images he would be a genius.

3) You can’t take the lord’s name in vain - The child only cries it’s his parents taking the lords name in vain. Punish them not him.

4) Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy - How can a child be responsible for this one. He can’t remember when it’s day or night how the hell does he know when it is Sunday?

5) Honor your mother and father - Once again with a baby he is all about his mom and dad. They have the food and clean diapers.

6) You shall not murder - Again, this is more likely to happen by the parents and not the baby.

7) You cannot commit adultery - Since when does a baby or child is married to at this age is his stuffed toys and if he wants to cheat on Big Bird with Elmo that is his choice.

8) You shall not steal - A baby can’t even sit up how the hell are they going to steal anything.

9) You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor - I don’t even know what this means.

10) You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything he has. - I am not sure why you would covet your neighbor’s manservant or maidservant, since I am not sure what they would be. I am guessing those would be the servants, in our time the nanny. What if the neighbor’s nanny is nicer and does not hit your when your mommy and daddy are away. Is it a sin to pray for a nice nanny?

So as you can by the Ten Commandments it is hard for a baby or child to be sinner so therefore to baptize them to wash away their sins is just weird. Why don’t new parents just say they are wanting a reason to dress the baby up and show him off. Okay, I have ranted enough about my religious confusion. I am pretty sure that it will not be cleared up anytime soon since I am 40 and still confused. But my parting comment is that from what I read on being “saved” you only have to do it once in your lifetime in order for it to be effective. So why do “born again Christians” brag so much about being born again? Did not get it right the first time? Was there a misrepresentation from the church and they had a falling out? Why did they have to be born again?

Whore-Dog

As I mentioned in the previous post I am have a weird week. Last night I had the weirdest dream of all times. Well, okay I have had weirder but this was just crazy.

I dreamed that somehow or another I got involved with one of those weird cults that are always doing things in the name of Jesus. You know sleeping with their neighbors kids and marrying their daughters to their cousins. Those crazy people. I was at their cult clubhouse or whatever they call it and this little kid asked me if I had accepted Jesus. I looked at him and said "No" and then he asked if I planned on doing so and I said "No". Then I started thinking I really needed to get out of here before they tried to baptize me and the walls started to bleed and lighting started to strike everywhere. You know the usual outcome of me going anywhere religious. So the next few hours of the night were me coming up with crazy creative ways to escape from religious hell.

Well eventually I got out and got back to civilization where my next date was not with someone I was related to by blood. And as I was settling into my quiet lifestyle there was a knock at my door and there was a lady holding my dog, Tau. She had kidnapped my dog in order to get into my house so she could preach to me about Jesus. The woman stole my dog in order to get to my door. No one steals my dog so they can preach to me and live to tell the tale. Even now I have to remind myself that it was a dream and not real and that Tau really did not whore himself to some crazy Jesus freak for attention. Because I know my gay dog better than that, he only whores himself to children and old people and only if they will pet him. And as I type this he is rolling on his back staring at me with big brown eyes that say "I'm not a whore-dog, I'm just lovable." Why didn't she steal Kali? I know the answer to that...Kali would have gone Satan on her ass. Satan has nothing on my full figured black gal.

So this has been the progression of my week. Who knows where it will go from here. Hopefully somewhere peaceful.

I am not a whore-dog!

Weirdness

It has been a really weird couple of days for me. It started a few days ago, every morning I read the Houston Chronicle to keep up with my hometown. I like to know what is going on, it seems that more often than not it is bad news. The crime rate is unbelievable, unemployment is skyrocketing, and everything is crazy. Last week the big news was 2 missing kids, they were 7 and 3, brother and sister and they disappeared about a mile from where I grew up.

Every since I was a teen I could look at a news report and tell you if the person was guilty or not, I could tell you if a missing person was alive or dead. As an adult they tell me this is the gift of being a psychic empath. Whatever it is, I do not like it. It was fun as a teen but when you understand the real consequences it is not fun nor is it is gift. When I saw the pictures of these two kids, I knew the outcome was not good and it was upsetting. Working in the funeral business does give you a certain amount of protection. You learn to block out certain things and you learn how to distance yourself from other things. But some things no matter what it is get through. This got through. As I sat mediating and asking my guides to help those kids cross over they used this time to teach me an important lesson.

I was reminded that before any human life is formed their spiritual being is given options of what kind of life it would have. Based on what needs to be done in their lifetime are what options they will be given. I was reminded that these spirits knew what their life would be before they got here. Of course this did not help me since I was looking at it from a humanistic perspective. Z told me that the spirits that agreed to this lifetime were not children; they are intelligent “grown up” spirits. They know what the decisions are about and they know that the outcomes will affect many people. They also told me that the spirits of these children were gone long before their actual death occurred. Therefore, they did not suffer what we would imagine they did. I got a kick out of their parting comment to me “Humans are their own worst enemy” and it is so true. We do more damage for no reason at all to ourselves and those we love or we calm to do it out of love, for god, for our country.

As I see it now our race cannot exist much longer if we keep destroying everything we create including our children. So this was the beginning of my weird couple of days.

Fairy Village

I asked my guides for something to do that will help me reroute my thoughts and energies. I am always amazed at how quickly they work when I am specific. I made this request yesterday morning on my way into work. I am in dire need of something that will allow my creative juices to flow. Usually at this time of year I start working on Yule gifts. Yes, I am aware it is June but when you are making things it takes time and I do not like to be rushed in my crafting. So I did get a few things to start working on. But, that was not what I wanted to do, I was yearning for something else. Something that I could always be working on, up until now it was my house. I was filling my home with pictures, art, girly things and memories of my own making. Thank God for Phyllis and Eddie always willing to come over for dinner and a movie, even though we have yet to actually watch the movie. We always have fun conversations though.

Well yesterday afternoon I decided what I wanted to do. I picked up a book at the store on Fairy Magik and I remembered when Joshua and I use to make a fairy garden to bring the fairies to our house. It was so much fun doing this together and have something to play with. I have been given the fun task of creating a fairy village in my backyard. This is a task that I can keep creating as long as I want. I am so excited and I can’t wait to get started. I figure since I can’t get grass to grown in my backyard I will bring in the fairies to take it over.

I know many people out there do not believe in fairies, gnomes and elves but those of us in the metaphysical world do. We believe that these guardians of the earth are a very big part of nature and all that the earth is. Having fairies and gnomes in your house and yard is a good thing. It is much like having a resident ghost they are the keepers of things unseen. My ghosts (when they are behaving) protect my home and those of us in it. I have never felt uncomfortable or threatened in my home once I gave their ghosts their duties. They do get bored once in awhile and like to annoy me with little antics, they love to rile up Kali and get her barking but a quick reprimand usually sets things straight.

Having fairies in your house and yard is much the same thing. They bring with them love, light and purity that is always welcome in your home. If you have children or babies they love to watch out for them and help entertain them when you are busy. Garden fairies and gnomes take care of the gardens, they bring in the good bugs and remove the bad bugs. They encourage your flowers to grow healthy and strong. For all this they ask for very little, just somewhere they can live that is safe and quiet. So I am going to create a whole village for them, which little houses, and ponds, and flowers (if I can get them to grow). I am going to make little rugs and blankets for them to use in their homes.

I think this task is a great project that will not only help my fairy friends but it will also help me on so many levels. It will allow me to do something that will be relaxing and something that I can have fun doing.

If anyone would like to help with the fairy village you are more than welcome to do so. If you have any old dollhouse furniture or anything you would like to add just let me know. If you want to make something special to add your own touches to the village feel free to do so. The village is open to all who would like to visit and add to. I just have to create a name for it. Any suggestions?

Blogs New Direction

I am happy to say that my blog is turning a corner and it is a big corner too. This is a good move for me but some of my avid readers may be a bit disappointed. I am turning the corner on my relationship with #3 this means that as far as I am concerned everything is over and finished between us. What does this mean about the blog? Well it means that there will be no more discussion about him and his craziness. Why? Well I have come to realize that the only way to eradicate him completely from my life is to do so completely.

I spoke to him for the first time in about 6-7 weeks yesterday and realized we absolutely hate one another. We do have good reason to hate one another, as much as he has hurt me over the past year, I have done the same to him. One thing I can say about my self with total honesty is that when I don’t like you there is no doubt in your mind that I don’t like you. I can’t even force myself to be nice to you, I dislike you with ever fiber of my being. And so that is my way with him. As for him he blames me for every problem in his life and why wouldn’t he. You can’t blame yourself when your life is f’d beyond repair. As humans we are not able to do that so you pick the one person you can’t stand at the moment (in his case, Me) and you blame them. I understand this concept completely because I myself did this for many months. But in order to progress forward in life you have to stop blaming people and accept responsibility for your own actions and your own life.

When I left Houston in 2000 my sister, Debra was pissed at me. She felt I was abandoning her just after she had Joe. For the first time in my life I was honest not only with her but myself. By staying in Texas I was putting my life in jeopardy. I was miserable and suicidal and I forgot that in order to be happy, I had to take the reins of my life and do it myself. There was no one there that was going to guide me to happiness but myself. So I left and for the first time in a long time I was happy, I was free from my restraints that I had in Houston. I was able to express myself in a way I could not do before.

Now 8 years later I have had to accept a lot of changes, my son left me to live in Wyoming and at 21 has no desire to live anywhere else. My husband….well we know that story so let’s move on. I want to move back to Texas but the thought of doing so is scarier than I care to imagine. I am no longer use to being so involved with my family and the drama. It wears me out to hear them talk about it on the phone. I miss my parents more than anything, but I don’t know if I could be happy there or would I revert back to the way I was in 2000. Also, the thought of having to job hunt and house hunt again is just exhausting.

As of today, all I know is that I have a full life ahead of me and I want to be happy in it. At this point the one way that I know of doing that is completely forgetting that #3 exists. My one hope is he does move back to Jersey to his family, as he said he was doing. This ways there is no hope of running into him on the streets again. It will be a chore but knowing that they hates me does make it a bit easier to do. Besides, his hate is my good fortune it does solve several problems that I have been warned about in the future. Much like #2 once I get to this point my goal in life as far as he goes is to make sure he never enters my life again. The next information he will hear about me and my life is that I died and it would probably be way after the fact since I can’t imagine anyone calling him to tell him.

So my blogs new direction is about what is going on with me, what I am thinking, feeling, doing and all about my friends. I hope no-one is disappointed in not hearing about what insanity #3 is up to because hopefully I won't know.

My Newest Addiction

I was watching a show on my newest addiction the Discovery Health Channel. It was on the Duggar family, in case you don’t know who they are; this family lives in Arkansas and they have 17 kids and #18 is due in January 2009. Now before you jump to conclusion and think I am going to lambaste this family, think again my friends. I know I am the one person on the planet you would never expect to agree with their lifestyle but I do.

I first heard about this family through friends who were making comments (some good but most bad) about this family choosing to have 18 kids without any medical intervention. These kids all came naturally not through IVF or fertility drugs. The comments I heard were “How can they give each child individual attention?” and “Isn’t that cruel to have that many children in today’s world?”

Most people I know assumed I would disagree with this family's choice of lifestyle. Because I disagreed with the family who had 7 babies at one time. The difference is that the Duggar family has their children naturally and the other family used medical intervention in order to have their children. They would then profess how god gave them these children. God did not give them those children, he chose for them not to have anymore children. Medical science gave them 7 babies. Either way, I did not agree with their choice but I support their decision to keep all babies and create the best life for them they can. From what I have seen in papers and magazines over the years they are doing remarkably well and are all happy well adjusted kids.

What I saw from the show I watched about the Duggar family was two people who love each child they have 110%, they never ever talk about how easy life is for them, they are honest and tell you up front, that it is crazy in their household. Their oldest child is 20 years old and their youngest is 10 months old. From what I saw of this family and from what I read on their website they have an amazing family.

This family is what every family in America should hope to be. Their children are polite, courteous and every one of them including the little ones help around the house. Each child is given a “buddy” to take care of and help them with everyday chores. The parents are not your overly lovey dovey parents they are realistic and organized, but understand chaos will happen. They may be a bit too religious for me but I am working on my own version of religious tolerance. Either way it works for them.

I was thinking about the comment “How can they give each child individual attention?” it is a good question but they seem to do it. To be honest if you stop and think about it how much individualized attention do you give your children? Not as much as we would like. We work, we play and we crash, so do the Duggar’s they just do it together. The one thing I really thought was cool was the way the siblings take responsibility for each other, they grow up with the a relationship with their siblings that most of us wish we had.

And you thought I was going to bad mouth them, fooled you.

The Perfect Childhood

Is it possible to have a perfect childhood? Is it possible to give your child the perfect childhood? Many of us parents say “Of course it is.” Many kids say “Hell no.” What is the perfect childhood anyway? Take 2 kids raised in 2 separate families and let’s compare.

Family 1 consists of Mom and Dad and1 kid. Mom stays at home, Dad works outside the home. They have 1 child because they feel they do not have the financial security to have more children. They live in a small but comfortable home with 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, in a nice neighborhood.

Family 2 consists of Mom and Dad and 1 kid. Mom and Dad both work outside the home. They have 1 child because they are too busy working to have time to make any more. They live in a sprawling 3000 square foot home, with 7 bedrooms, 8 baths, game room, outdoor pool, basketball court, video/entertainment room, in a gated community.

Which child has a better life? Most of us who are working parents think that Family 2 is the better because they have the financial resources to give their kids whatever they want and therefore the kids are happier. Many parents in Family 2 think that Family 1 has the better life. Mom is home all day to take care of the home and kids, Dad comes home from work and plays catch before dinner with the kids. They feel they are working so hard in order to keep up with the bills and financial responsibility it takes to maintain their lifestyle.

If you ask children they want whatever they see on TV. For them the grass is always greener in someone else’s backyard. No matter what kind of childhood you give your children when they grow up they are going to want their kids to have a better childhood than they did. Personally unless you were abused in some horrid way or neglected to the point of abuse you had a pretty good childhood. There are people out there that can tell you stories about growing up that makes the Saw movies look like Sesame Street.

Why am I asking these questions and making these comparisons? Because I spoke to my father, Bill yesterday on the phone (and I hope he reads this post). We don’t talk to often, but he is always there in my heart. I did not have a great relationship with him growing up since he was in Florida and I was in Texas. Bill and my mother separated when we were little kids. I don’t remember how old I was when my parents separated all I know is we moved to Texas in 1973 so I was 5 or so. I have no memories of my biological parents ever together as a couple, I have no memories of living in Florida with my brothers, I have no family memories of that time at all. So what does this mean? It means that I can’t miss something I have no recollection of. I can’t hold it against my parents that their marriage did not last when I can’t remember them being married.

The last few times I have spoken to my father he has mentioned how he regrets not having a better relationship with us when we were younger. Okay, you can regret it but then you have to let it go. You can not live your life regretting something you did not do 30 years ago. It will only drive you crazy. I personally do not harbor any ill feelings towards him or my mother for their decisions. I have no room to judge anyone on their marriage when I have screwed up 3 marriages in 20 yeas. It is not my place to tell them that by divorcing they destroyed our lives because that is just not true. Having gone through a divorce or two I know what they were feeling, and when it comes down to it, if you are not happy in a marriage you will only torture you kids by staying for them. No kid wants their parents to divorce but it is a way of life that has been happening since the dawn of man and it will continue to happen until man is extinct. I told him last night that the hardships of life when you are growing up dictate the type of person you will be as an adult. I am a very self assured and strong person and I am this way because of events that happened in my life. This is how we grow, even the rich pampered kids have hardships to deal with.

I can’t speak for my brothers, but I can say my childhood was good and bad. It had great times, good times, fun times, bad times and horrible times. It is called life. If you don’t have bad and horrible times how do you know when you are having the good times? As a parent I knew I am going to screw up with Joshua, I knew it when I was pregnant, I knew it when he was a baby and I knew it when he was growing up. But, since he did not come with an owners manual, website for tech support or an 800 number to call 24/7 I had to do the best I could. I relied on my mom, his dad and others who had gone through this event of child rearing for advice and help. One day when Joshua has kids (better not be for another 10 years) he will do the same thing. He will turn to those he loves and trusts for advice on how to raise them but in the long run he will do what he thinks is best for him, his family and his kids.

So as I climb down off my proverbial soap box, I want my father (and every other parent out there) to accept that we had a good life, we may not have had some of the opportunities you want for your kids but we did not suffer for it. We lived in a house full of love, we had 2 parents who at the end of the day kissed us good night and watched over us. Yes my teenage years consisted of more screams and less kisses but I never doubted that I was loved. It would have been good to have a perfect relationship with him but it was not meant to be. But then again I am not dying tomorrow and as far as I know neither is he. So there are still years left to create that relationship you always wanted with your children. All you have to do is work at it and see how it goes.

Trust and How It Kills

I have finally passed 1-year anniversary of my separation. It was a day of reflection and a bit of the blues. Now before you go getting all woman’s lib on me I am allowed to be depressed once in awhile, because I work so damn much I don’t have time to pee much less be depressed so when I get the chance to wallow and I feel the need to wallow then call me a little piggy cause I am going to roll around in that mud pile of self pity until the sun goes down. Wow there's a picture that is not pretty.

The main cause of my blues was not the lose of a husband, but, the fact that I am not as far along in the emotional process as I wanted to be at this milestone. I have survived all of the 1st. Since the big announcement I have survived our 7th Anniversary; 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, My Birthday, Valentines, Easter and once again Memorial Day. I can’t say I enjoyed all of this but I survived.

I think back to a year ago and I recall telling #3 that I wanted to try and stay friends, to conduct ourselves in a amicable way. Of course I was an idiot back then and he had not spilled his poison from hell all over me yet, but it was still a stupid idea. Way back in October I wrote about the emotions one goes through when they are dissolving a relationship. Let me tell you I have gone through them all and not just once but over and over again. But at this point I seem to be stuck in the hate mode. This is not just a small dislike but this is plain old hate. What bothers me the most is that I firmly believe that you cannot truly hate someone unless you have loved them completely first.

As usually I went to the guides for help with this situation because to be honest it is exhausting hating someone all the time. But to mix things up and get a better perspective on the situation I told Z I wanted Ivey's help on t his subject; not his. The silence of death that followed for a second or two was resounding. But I had a reason for asking that Ivey help me with this; Ivey is the only guide I have that I have specifically assigned a gender to. All the other guides are pretty much unisex, meaning I do not think of them as male or female. If you can remember Ivey is the guide I work with on my spiritual self. Her explanations are simple and straight and I really did not want to hear about how I am wasting my time on a relationship again from Z and the boys.

Once we got started I did inquire as to why she can help me with relationships and Z and the Boys always balk about it. Her response was that this was her area and not their. According to Ivey, relationships both long lasting and flings are part of our spiritual being. They affect us in a way nothing else can. Since she was my guide for all things spiritual she was the one who helped me with relationships. Made sense to me.

I have spent several days meditating and talking to Ivey about why I am stuck in the hate phase of my divorce and what is the purpose of this. The first thing she wanted me to do was spend some time looking at my past relationships and thinking about my mentality on relationships and my ability to depend on the men I am in a relationship with, and when she says "depend on" she wanted me to focus on how I trust them. Not how I can depend on them to pay the rent or take out the trash. But my ability to trust another man with my life.

I came to realize that I always feel like I am lacking in the love area of life because I cannot allow myself to drop my wall of defense and trust another person 100%. To me this was a draw back, and something I was not proud of. Back a few years ago when I had to have surgery I had to force myself to rely on others to just get around. Because of this I spent more time and energy healing myself so I could go back to taking care of myself. I was out of a cast 2 months ahead of time because I hated every minute of having to rely on someone to help me. I am not proud of this but it is who I am.

#3 use to always tell me that when he looked into my eyes he could see a part of me that he could not reach. But if he could reach it one day we would be totally one. He thought it was a level of intimacy that he could not get to and because he could not reach it we would never be able to merge as one. After working with my inner self I found out it was not a level of intimacy he could not reach but a level of trust. To me they are basically the samething. How can you allow yourself total intimacy with someone you cannot totally trust? Since #3 is a person who wants to have access to every part of their partner he just assumed it involved intimacy because he is a very sexual oriented person but with me it was an area that no one has ever gotten to and no one will ever get to it.

When we were first establishing our love, as I like to call the dating stage, I was able to trust him more than any man every before. The brick wall that surrounds my inner self was slowly starting to come down and I was able to tell him more about myself and my feelings. However, I was also under the illusion that he was different than the other men I knew. I thought he was above the pettiness of jealousy, secrets, and the shallowness that plagued most men I knew. Once I was faced with the truth that he was no different and in some ways worse that wall crashed back into place. I starting having the urge to get away from him, even in my sleep I would stay so far on my side of the bed I was pretty much off the bed. But this was my way of attempting to protect myself from what I knew was coming.

Once I made this discovery other things started to fall into place and make a bit more sense to me. Ivey was very up front in telling me that my ability of trust was not a draw back. She explained that not being able to trust someone 100% is not wrong, a person can not trust everyone they know and in my case I will never be able to trust someone 100%. I was concerned that this was going to keep me tied to my earth lbound life again and again until I learned how to trust, when in fact it was just the opposite. I was spending every life time forcing myself to trust someone else and I was not learning the lesson. My lesson was accepting that I can not trust my partner 100% and that is the way I am. I either have to learn to live with that in another relationship or stay away from them all together.

When the realization sunk in I wanted to know why that was. So we did a little trip into the past. I have never been a big "past life regressionist" because I always figured if I was meant to know about a past life I would know. But just for giggles I was enlightened with the knowledge that in my past lives (as both man and woman) I would fall in love and trust my partner with my life and it ended up costing me my life. Each time I did this that trust was turned against me. So this made many things fall into place, such as the never ending fear that my partner is going to kill me. Why should this life be any different? I have actually had dreams of every man that I have been involved with; including #3; killing me in various ways. So many dreams that I can tell you with all honesty that the old wives tale that says "If you die in your dreams you will not wake up." is bullshit. I have died in my dreams a thousand times and I am still here. I have also experienced many other deaths in my dreams but that is another story all together.

Now as I go into my life with the knowledge that I am not a failure because the only person I trust with my life is me, I am a bit more content. I am still pretty positive that this will be my last lifetime on Earth and that is how I want it. There are so many other things to do on the other side that does not consist of me being killed by those I trust and I am ready to start that existence.