We lost our little gerbil Tommy this morning. He passed away peacefully in his playground. Tommy was not a young gerbil he has been with me for about 18 months and was older when he came to me. Tommy was never a big one to have people touch him, but with the arrival of his new babies Tommy became a new gerbil. He was more outgoing and active and just thrilled to have is boys, Eli and Elijah.

Both boys were able to say goodbye to their daddy before he was buried in Buddha's Garden. I will certainly miss him. He was a lot of fun to have around.

Rest in Peace little Tom Tom
We have had a lot of changes in the Sanctuary since our last update in June. The sanctuary has seen several tragic events over the summer. By far the saddest was the loss of Parker and Laki. Both were unexpected deaths and they are both still missed greatly.

Parker passed way October 4th after a brief illness. The grief that filled the house was unexplainable, even the ghosts grieved Parker's passing. It has been almost 4 weeks now and Guine and Sasha are still not acting their normal self. It just seems some of the fun has left the remaining hamsters. I had the hardest time even holding Guine because she was Parker's twin in all ways except personality. Guine is slowing coming around and getting out of her cage. Sasha just wants to stay in or run on the table. She does not really want to be in her ball anymore. So I respect her desires and let her be.

Laki passed away from during what we are referring to as the Epidemic. We took in several dwarf hamsters at the same time. We knew that many of them were in-breed, which means that as litters came about they were not separated properly and continued to mate and have more babies. Most of the hamsters were separated immediately upon arrival at the sanctuary due to fighting and personality issues. Many of the hamsters were successfully adopted out. However, the few that were left quickly started showing signs of illness. With hamsters and all small critters once the symptoms start appearing you have to act quickly in order to save them and in some case we found that no matter how quickly you act and no matter what care you give some die anyway. During the epidemic we lost Emma, Sophia, Ava and Laki. At this point we still did not know what we were dealing with. The next to show signs of illness was Lucy and Raja. Both started out the same way the only difference was Lucy developed sores and Raja started losing his hair. It was determined that a parasite had in fact caused the previous death and the illness of Lucy and Raja. However, it did not affect the Syrians, gerbils or mice; only the dwarfs. Lucy and Raja both survived their illness and show no last effects except that Raja now has a bald spot. No matter how nasty and bitchy Laki was he I loved that little guy so much. Raja has taken Laki's spot as our hamster with the nasty personality. Just like Laki, Raja does not want to be touched, messed with or even looked at. He does not attack you like Laki did but he will bite you if you touch him to often. So I just talk to him and try not to piss him off.

The newest additions to the group are 4 rats Rissa, Lisa, Millie & Billie. Rissa is a naked rat (seriously her fur is so sparse she looks naked), the others are sisters we adopted from the city shelter. They belong to Josh and will go with him and Dorian when he returns to Wyoming.

Finally after a year and a half I got Tommy 2 baby boys. T
ommy is a new gerbil all together since becoming a daddy. Tommy adopted Eli and Elijah and is so much more outgoing. He is very protective of his boys and takes such good care of them. Once the boys arrived we had to create a safe place for them all to play. We quickly discovered that the fenced in yard that Tommy had was not appropriate for the babies. Being youngsters they quickly found a way out. We solved the problem by getting a large guinea pig cage and attaching it to their existing cage. They now had a fenced yard that they could not get out of. Our task now is finding ways to keep them entertained. Eli and Elijah came to us by a very unconventional way. I purchased them from a local pet store. I do not usually advocate buying animals but I have been looking for infant gerbils since Tommy arrived. It is very difficult to know the age of gerbils when they are at the pet store, but this store just happen to have a breeding pair. Unfortunately they removed Eli and Elijah from mom at 3 weeks old and they should have stayed with her until at least 7 or 8 weeks. But, they did well adjusting to us. I kept them separated from Tommy until they were 4 1/2 weeks old and I knew they were healthy. One odd thing about male gerbils is that they help raise the babies and they will accept baby gerbils without any problems at all. Unlike the females. Once I introduced Eli and Elijah to Tommy there was no turning back. He is a wonderful daddy to his two baby boys. He nurtures them, protects them and grooms them. He has taught them to climb up into their nest, he goes out ahead of them to check their play area before they get to go out. They have a very large and safe playground that Elijah has figured out how to squeeze out. So we had to fix that problem but other than that they are a great family with a very loving daddy.

I am going home for Thanksgiving for the first time in 10 years and while there I am picking up a new hamster. This is a young white teddy bear that I have named Lucian. I figure I usually pick Hindu names for my babies but since this is a southern hamster he got a Cajun name. I am hoping he will help fill the spot of male hamster and things will return to whatever is normal.

I am will post new pictures of everyone soon. If you have facebook add me as a friend and you can see pictures.

I know I said that I would no longer be writing the blog and I have not written anything in 3 months. There were reasons for taking the time off. First off, there were people who were using my blog as a way to get to me. These are not people who have my best interest in mind. So the best thing I knew to do was stop writing for awhile until they fell away. Once they were gone I decided that I could once again go back to writing my blog. I enjoy writing my blog and I enjoy getting feed back from my friends and family on what I should do and what I should not do. It is also the easiest way to keep my family and friends updated on what is going on with me when I do not have time to tell everyone individually.

One thing I found when I stop writing the blog was that I would see something or hear something and think "I will have to write about that" the other I thing I realized was that I get a lot of ideas for articles from my blog. Not that I am a great writer for writing for me is a form of therapy. Once in awhile I will find a magazine, e-zine or newsletter that I can contribute to based on a post I made on the blog. One of these days this blog will hopefully be paying my bills or at least the hamster's bill.

So I hope that I have all of your support in the relaunching of my blog.
I started my day off today by writing, it is what I seem to do a lot of lately. But I am writing a specific article for a local pet magazine. For the life of me I could not find their website address and I knew that I have had something published in the past with this magazine and that if you googled my name it would come up.

I was a bit surprised at what comes up when you google the name "Cindy Cribbs", there seems to be about 4 of us in the country that are linked through the search. I felt kind of funny because one of my fellow Cindy's is the Coordinator for Advertising at the University of Minnesota, one is an artist who has the website cindycribbs.com and the email cindycribbs@gmail.com so if you ever sent an email to cindycribbs instead of cynthiacribbs she got it and not me. There is an elementary school principle and a few other professionals. Then there are my hits. Let's review them shall we and see just how odd I am really am.

The first hit you get is my facebook account and this is really me. There is another Cindy Cribbs on facebook but she uses the name Cindy and I use Cynthia. The next hit is for Haven for Hamsters, then Twitter, then my letter to the pet magazine that I was originally looking for, apparently I have an amazon.com wish list, however, when you click it there is nothing listed. One of the shockers was discovering a post I made into my blog called "Question I have been asked about the funeral business". Connectingdirectors.com posted my article on their website. Who knew? I can say I was happy to see that my blog is still making the rounds in the world outside of my family & friends. If you keep going you will see references to me on the witchvox.com website which is a Pagan website called Witches Voice. I am on there a lot and it pops up every know and again. There are a lot of links to various ghost hunts and investigations as well as the International Ghost Hunters Society conference that I hosted a few years in a row.

My personal favorite and I have no idea how this got onto the Internet but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. This is not mine exactly since I already know what mine is going to say and be like. And trust me it is not something polite and common like Rest in Peace.

It is with great pleasure and excitement that I post the birth announcement of my great nephew Rocco Randazzo. His mom and dad are Jill and Joe Randazzo, my sisters-in-law's oldest daughter. Baby Rocco was born on June 20th weighing in at 8 pounds 9 ounces. I personally think he is an amazingly beautiful and perfect baby. Below are pictures of Rocco on his birthday and with his Great Grandparents.


Wow, I have to say the Memorial Service for Michael Jackson was definitely moving. I was surprised since I basically attend a funeral every week. But, this was different. No matter what you thought of him the memorial was moving.

For me I watched it on my computer at work (this is when having two screens comes in handy). The guys that came into my office all made some comment on it. But, we all know that back in the 80s when Thriller came out we were all listening and dancing to that album. I know I was. The music he made after the Thriller album was just as good, although I did not care for some of his songs.

I can say that Michael Jackson was someone I never understood and I always felt a bit sorry for. To this day I believe in my heart he never touched a child. I did not watch the news reports about his trials and what he was accused of doing because I knew he did not do it. I felt for him having to give up pretty much 40 years of his life. He was tossed into a profession at the age of 10 when most of us were playing in the street with our friends. He did not have an easy life growing up and when he had the money and means to give back he did.

There are people in this country (a senator even) who will never be convinced that he was innocent. Our country is based on innocent until proven guilty. Unless you are a Michael Jackson then you have to spend the rest of your life trying to prove your innocence even though the court said you were innocent.

For those of us who remember listening to his music, watching him dance and loving everything he did this is our Elvis. When Elvis died my mother cried all day, no one thought anything wrong with that. No one thought it was odd that the media covered it so much or that women flocked to Graceland to be close to where he died. But with Michael Jackson because of his past people are questioning the hype behind his death.

I am happy that they gave us a public memorial so that his fans and everyone else could hear first hand what he did with his life and the money he made. The selfless time he devoted to those sick with HIV and AIDS, sick children, veterans and how he supported 39 various international charities, he holds a Guinness Book of World Record for Most Charities Supported. It is estimated he has given up to $500 MILLION to charities in his lifetime.

Maybe now people can enjoy him for what he was and not what they wanted or thought he should be. I know I will miss the music he could have made and brought into my life. For now I will continue to enjoy the music he left and I will never be ashamed to say I love the music and videos of Michael Jackson. Especially Thriller, what a great video.
I almost forgot the most important part of my parents visit. After they all left for home, Joshua and I decided we needed some therapy. So we did what I do when I need therapy I go shopping. I felt that after all the stress I deserved to feed my addiction for bowls. So we hit Central to go antique shopping. There was one store in particular I wanted to go since it is always closed when I go down there.

We stopped in and I found several wonderful vintage Pyrex bowls but I was not ready to settle for one in particular just yet. Almost to the end of my tour of this huge store I found a little booth with vintage purses. Bowls and purses in the same place, I truly found Mecca. I discovered an amazing 1950 black lizard skin purse that almost made me cry it was so perfect.

I can't tell you how excited I am with my new purse. I love all things 50's, from the furniture, to the clothes, shoes, cars and most definitely purses. I find the clothes, shoes and purses from the 50's to be very girly and I love love love them.

So my gift to myself for surviving my vacation was a 1950 purse in mint condition. I do love giving myself presents.
I like to think that when I am put in a difficult position it is to learn something. With my family visiting I was put into a new position. We were at my house and this was the longest time I have spent with my family since I left Texas in 2000. I did go on the cruise with my mom and that held it's own challenges but I still had the opportunity to hide and seek solitude when I needed it.

One thing I am trying to keep in the back of my mind is that I have to deal with Chrion in my house of home. So I need to make sure that I utilize every opportunity I have to work on that so that I can finish it and move on.
This trip I realized I learned a few things that will help me down the road.

The first and probably most important thing I learned
revolved around my parents relationship and how I viewed it. Growing up I would think "I want a relationship like my parents have." I always thought of their relationship as solid and healthy and it was what I longed for. After spending 5 days alone with both my parents together the entire time I saw what their relationship really was. I was also hit with the reality that I have already had their relationship...TWICE. I was just in the wrong position in my relationship. I was in my fathers position where as my ex's were in my mothers position.

Let me explain. Watching my mother and father together was like watching a bad movie. My mother can be very demanding and she expects everyone to go along with her plans for a trip. I heard her tell my father several times "You said you were going to have fun if you came on this trip!" I pointed out to her that everyone has a different idea of fun. My father likes to sit around and watch TV more than running 90 to nothing. My mother is the opposite. And, when he would express a lack of interest in doing something she wanted to do she would jump on him for not wanting to have fun. With my mom she pretty much makes the schedule as to what is going to be done and he is expected to go along with it. It was just interesting to watch them from a different perspective and I am pretty sure the guides were working on me seeing things from this perspective so I could understand better.

I realized that with #3 our relationship was very much like this. If he wanted me to do something that he deemed important and I did not want to participate I was shunned for being difficult and not wanting the same things in life as he did. He was big on watching movies and DVD's and he would expect me to watch them with him. I have a very hard time sitting still long enough to watch a movie on TV. I do not get as involved in movies as he did. I don't cry through them nor react the way he did because I don't get that involved. This is the way I am, I am use to doing 3 things at one time, because these things need to get done and I am the one doing them. If we traveled he made the itinerary and I was expected to just go with him. We never got to stop and play, because we were on a schedule, unless he wanted to stop and play. So this made me start to read while we travelled because I knew if I saw something interesting I would not be able to stop there. And the fact that he drove like a lunatic and scared the daylights out of me most of the time. I remember traveling through LA with him and Joshua and passing the Hollywood sign. Josh was playing his gameboy in the backseat and #3 told him to look up at the sign Josh's comment was "Are we going to be able to stop and see it?" #3 replied "no" so Joshua said "Then what is the point?" and continued playing his game.

When I travel I know where I am going the how I leave up to the trip. I love to stop and see interesting things and change the route along the way to accommodate new adventure. None of my ex's were ever this carefree. #2 never went anywhere because as an alcoholic he had to stay close to home to drink so any trips I did during that relationship were on my own expect for 1 and that was to take Joshua to San Antonio to see a Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit at a private museum. All he wanted to do once we hit S.A. was go to the hotel and watch TV. Not my idea of a good time. So I waited til he fell asleep and left him there. The next morning all he could think about was getting home. It did not matter that I had planned things to do while I was there, all he wanted to do was what he wanted to do. I did not matter, which was the basis of our entire relationship.

So I learned that what I thought was a relationship was just another form of abuse that 2 people do to each other. I am not healthy enough to know how to have a solid and loving relationship. I am not capable of knowing what that is because I have never in my entire 41 years of being alive seen it happen. I know what bad relationships are and how they play out, but I have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like. I know they exist but like the elk that live all over NM I have never seen it.

Wednesday started out the same way every day with my parents starts...slow. I wanted to drive them up into the Jemez mountains to the Valle Caldera and then through Los Alamos and back to town. It really is a beautiful drive. So we started out and headed into the mountains. I don't think they were as impressed as I hoped. I started to tell them that the Caldera was the crater of the volcano that created the Jemez mountains millions of years ago, but then remembered that they are "new earther's" who believe the earth is no more than 6000 years old. So I left it at being part of a volcano.

We made it through the mountains and through Los Alamos without too much drama. They were not crazy about the mountain driving but I had no problems with it. Once home my mom wanted to go to the casino again. So we dropped of dad and the kids and Josh and I took her to Route 66. Josh and I lasted roughly 30 minutes on $10 each and then headed to the diner next door to wait for mom to finish.


Thursday, we had planned to get a family photo taken. So we got up and of course Devin did not have clothes appropriate for a photo. So we headed to the mall to find something for him to wear. By now I am use to the delays and time it takes them to get ready to do anything. We started heading out to the photographers studio and I was hit again with my mothers form of child rearing which I consider one step away from actual abuse. Nothing has changed with her since we were kids, she still yells, screams and swears at you. Only this time, I was fed up with it. After physically removing her from the kids I gave her and my dad a piece of my mind and what I thought of their abusive ways. I was not a happy camper. Lucky for me when we got to the studio they were closed for a staff meeting. I had no desire to have a picture taken at that moment.


But, as with my family things blow over just as fast as they blew in. We had lunch and then headed to the family arcade to let the kids play for awhile. Josh drove Devin in the go carts and mom drove Joe. I am not a go cart person I took pictures. Then Devin and I rode in the bumper boats and had a water battle with my mom and Joe. After this, Devin, Josh and I hit the arcade and played for about 2 hours. It was a lot of fun. Devin is one of the most laid back kids I have ever seen. He has his moments of pitching a fit but all in all he is a good kid. As we left he was crying because he wanted his dart gun, but I told him he could not get it until we got in the car. Knowing, he would shoot someone in the arcade, this upset him and he started a very good temper tantrum. This lasted until we got outside, I sat him down, showed him where my car was parked and told him if he was still pitching a fit by the time we got to the car he would have to walk home because I do not allow crying kids in my car. He looked at me and said "okay" and stopped on the spot. Once in the car, I felt a bit guilty for being so hard on him, so I called his name and smiled at him the mirror and told him I loved him very much. He just looked up and gave me that wonderful grin he has and he was perfectly fine, his world was good. I realized he liked having boundaries and liked being told you can do this and that but you can not do this or that. It makes his life easier knowing what he can do. Kids are not as complicated as we want them to be.


Friday morning came and they all headed home. Now it was time to put my house in order again.

One thing I was quickly reminded of about traveling with my family is that nothing happens fast. My parents did not leave Las Cruces until late morning, so Joshua and I spent the day wandering the mall and having lunch. I got a call from my mom saying they would be in around 4 so I figured we had time. But, my parents forgot about the time change so they actually got in around 3 and we were not home. But, no problem they just got settled in at my house.

Joshua and I headed home and got there about half an hour after they did and my house looked like a bomb went off in it. Between Joshua's stuff and their stuff you could not move in my little house. It was crazy, there were people everywhere and Tau and Kali were just wigged out. But, we made it work. I BBQ'd outside for dinner and that was nice, less to clean up. Everyone eventually went to bed but me and Josh and we stayed up visiting.

Tuesday came and the family wanted to take the train up to Santa Fe for lunch. First they wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast so we went there. I also discovered that I do not agree with my parents form of child raising. Devon was upset over not getting a toy and after several minutes of him pitching a fit, it was time for Aunt Cindy to intervene. I took him outside and explained that when he was with me throwing a fit in public was not acceptable by any means. He calmed down and the day carried on without anymore problems.

I tried to explain that the restaurant they wanted to go to in Santa Fe was not really their type of food. But, it had been recommended by their pastor so I took them there and after seeing the menu and finding out they do not serve steak they agreed it was not what they wanted to we left. I tried to explain to them that New Mexicans were not really big on steak and if you wanted one you went to a steakhouse not a regular restaurant and the same went for seafood. I reminded them we live in the desert and this is a state with roots in Mexico and Spain so our food revolved around that mostly. I don't think they were impressed. Oh well.

Once back at my house I sent my parents off for a night out, they wanted to go to the casino and Josh and I were going to babysit the kids. We started off by going to Sunflower Market for fruit and vegetables to snack on, since I don't keep a lot of junk food in the house. Then we went to Mama's Minerals, so Joe could see the rocks and then to the grocery store for dinner. The kids wanted hot dogs and french fries. We did that and settled down and watched tv at my house. It was a great evening for everyone. Mom and dad hit the casino and then went out to dinner and Josh and I played with the kids. There was no drama or trauma and we all had a good time.

I was planning on taking them up into the Jemez Mountains the next day so everyone went to their respected sleeping spots for the night.
Day 1 - Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sunday morning I met my parents and nephews in Carlsbad to start off our week long vacation together. I picked Phyllis up at 3:30 a.m. to start the drive which would take about 5 hours. I was very surprised to find out that nothing is open at 3:30 in the morning; not even convenience stores. And, there is quite a bit of traffic at that time of the morning.

Since I had done this drive more times than I could count I felt very comfortable heading out of town and to the south. It was nice having someone along for the ride besides the dogs; who stayed at home this time. We finally found an open convenience store in Vaughn, New Mexico about 90 minutes into the drive, so I was blessed by getting my morning Diet Pepsi and Phyllis got her coffee.

We got to Carlsbad about 8:00 and discovered my parents were not at their hotel, they had decided to go into town and get breakfast. This is very common for my family to just alter plans and not tell anyone. But, I tried not to get annoyed and we went back into town to find them at Denny's where they had already finished breakfast and Phyllis and I had not even come close to starting. So like most trips with my family we rearranged the plans and they went back to the hotel to let the kids swim while Phyllis and I got breakfast. After breakfast I needed calm drops something awful but there was no organic store in town so I settled for chocolate.

We all met up at the hotel and headed out to Carlsbad Caverns (http://www.nps.gov/cave) to explore. I was shocked at how bloody hot it was outside. Well into the 100's and something I am no longer use to. We got to the caverns and were happy to discover that it was free admission to all state parks, so our admission was free. We went straight into what is called "The Big Room" by elevator since daddy was in a wheelchair and it was too long of a walk for the kids to make using the natural entrance. It was very interesting and very difficult to push a wheelchair around. You are going up inclines and down inclines and the walkway is very small. Eventually you get to a point where you can not take a wheelchair so you have to turn back and go against the traffic on this little sidewalk to get to the entrance again. Once this was done we left and headed over the mountain range to White Sands National Monument. (http://www.nps.gov/whsa)

We decided the best route to White Sands was to go through Artesia and over the mountains through Cloudcroft and down into Alamogordo and into White Sands. The one thing we did not consider in this plan was the drastic changes in altitude we were making. We started out in Abq at roughly 5600 feet, down to Carlsbad, roughly 3300 feet, up to Cloudcroft at 8600 and down to White Sands National Monument at 4300 feet. This almost did poor Phyllis in she was hit with the worst case of altitude sickness I have ever seen. But once we got to White Sands she was better but still feeling sick.

For those of you who have no idea what White Sands is, it is the coolest thing ever. It is a huge range of sand dunes outside of Alamogordo, NM. #3 took Josh and I there back in 2000 but we really did not do anything but wander around. The best thing to do there is take sleds and sled down the dunes. Unlike the dunes at the beach these are not fragile and are made of gypsum so it does not get hot. Even when it is hitting 100 degrees outside the sands is cool to the touch. I bought 4 sleds for the kids to use while they were here. The only thing we did not think about was how high the dunes are and how hard they are to climb. But the kids and my mom loved every minute of it. As for me and Phyl we were dead tired. It was 8pm and we had be driving since 3:30 so we decided it was time to head home. My parents were staying in Las Cruces for the night. We finally arrived back home a bit after midnight and I was exhausted. But, it was a good day and we all had a nice time. It was also the first Father's Day I had with my daddy since I left Houston in 2000. So that was extra nice.

Up next: Day 2
It is not surprising that my first grandchild would be a huge deal, it may be surprising that my first grandchild is not a child though. Josh is very much like his mother when it comes to children, he is not really fond of them either. However, he did inherit my love and devotion to the animal kingdom.

As soon as Josh moved down here he started looking for a dog. He was not allowed to have one at his house in Wyoming and we already tried to bring Chupa down here to live but he was miserable. So Josh spent the first week here looking all over the internet at shelters for the perfect dog. One that would fit into our already large animal kingdom.

After the family left on Friday, Joshua and I headed out to do some shopping and I suggested we head to the shelter to see what they had. We had already determined that the Westside shelter housed more of the smaller dogs so that is where we went. Walking through the shelter was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. Your heart goes out to every animal there and if I could have I would have taken every one of them home. I believe it was in the second building we went in (there were 3) we saw this little red dog who was 3 years old. He was laying in his plastic bed and pretty much ignored us. When I called him over he got up and came to the gate and licked my hand. It was pretty much love at first sight for both Josh and I. But, we wanted to look some more, the last building had a beautiful spaniel mix but it was a female and we both agreed Kali would do better with a male than a female.

We went to let the staff know we were interested in seeing the first dog who they had listed as Sancho. Before they would take him out of the pen the staff made sure that we had no little children at home because he did not like small kids. My comment was "Wow, neither do we!" We took the dog outside to spend some time with him and within 2 minutes we knew this was the dog we wanted to take home. He was so sweet and a definite lover. He climbed in your lap and just wanted to be loved. Unfortunately, he was not altered so he had to stay at the shelter until Monday when he would have his surgery.

Saturday, we took Tau, Kali and Auntie Phyllis to meet the newest member of the family. The dogs had to meet through a fence in case they did not like each other but they all seemed to be just fine with each other. After a quick Reiki session with Auntie Phyllis to determine any special needs we had to let him go back. It was heartbreaking to leave him there again and you see in his little eyes he was concerned that maybe we did not want him after all. We promised to be back as fast as we could to take him home.

Josh spent the next few days trying to decide on a name for him. Again, like his mother it has to be a name with some meaning. He searched and talked to his friends to come up with the perfect name. He decided on the name Dorian after his favorite book; but I just referred to him as Shanky, until he got home. Now his is referred to as "grandbaby".

Monday, we went to the shelter to take him home and introduce him to his Auntie Tau and Auntie Kali. Already having gone through the dog introduction training before I knew what to do, but since he just had surgery I did not want it to be stressful, so we put him in the backyard and took Tau out first since he is the calmer one. Things went great, except Tau does not like to have his butt sniffed. We removed Tau and put Kali in and she did great. She had one more minion under her. We put both in and things could not have been better. During the night we had one issue and that was over food between him and Kali. But, it was broken up by me and they did fine. Kali even got onto Tau for growling at him. I explained to Josh the rules of the pack and that Kali was the alpha and to avoid fights we leave it that way and let them work out the issues. Right now he is being quarantined from Tau & Kali because he has kennel cough and is still recovering from his surgery. But, by the weekend they will be able to be together and get to know one another better.





Our little mama hamster passed away on Saturday, June 20th after suffering a stroke the week before. Mama was getting better but her little body just could not bounce back and she quietly passed away with all her hamster friends around her.

As it usually is with the most abused ones I get in Mama was the sweetest little hamster. Even though she was rather old and just did not have the energy the younger ones did; she was always nice and never grumpy and never once bit out of anger.


Mama whose actual name was Kwan Yin was never a fan of the wheel or ball, once she was in the sanctuary she had to learn how to be a hamster and since she was advanced in age her bones were not as limber as the younger ones. She was not able to bend her back to climb into cubby holes and she did not have the strength in her legs to support her if she climbed up on things. She enjoyed getting out and walking around on the table and once in awhile she would run in her ball. But, for the most part she was a home body and just enjoyed being in a nice quiet environment where she was loved and nurtured.

We buried Mama and the ashes of Tunie and Franklin in the new Buddha Garden in my courtyard, where they are watched over by Buddha and the Goddess. Mama will be greatly missed by me and the other critters but we all know she is much happier in Summerland where she is out of pain and only knows pure happiness and joy.




Growing up I hated having my birthday in January. As I got older I really hated having my birthday in January. Even though as kids my mom and dad always had a birthday party for me and even to this day they always send me a card and gifts. But having a birthday in January sucks. Nobody wants to celebrate with you. People complain when their birthday is before or around Christmas. But seriously they have it made. If your birthday is in December you can force people to celebrate your birthday. You can stipulate that they can not give you one gift for both holidays. But, when your birthday is in January you are simply shit out of luck.

Every year I get the phone calls saying "we would have gotten you something for your birthday but the bills from Christmas just came in and we are broke" or "we would love to celebrate your birthday with you but we are on a diet after all the junk food we ate over the holidays." These are real excuses I get from people. I have act
ually given up on ever hoping to have an adult birthday party.

Way back in the day when I was a young teen I got fed up with my January birthday and decided that I would change it to June 19th. Nothing happened in June, we were out of school, and it would be perfect. I told my parents I wanted to change my birthday and they did not go for it. My dad told me I could not have my birthday on June 19th because that was Juneteenth. This was back in the day when my daddy was just a tad bit prejudice about the African American community. So my parents shot down my suggestion of a new birthday. But that did not stop me from declaring that my new birth
day was June 19th. As the years went by I ended up creating my own day in June, which we all know is June 11th. But my Juneteenth birthday still exists.

I just got my first birthday greeting from my sister. A few years ago when my mom called to wish me Happy Birthday in January my dad actual said "I thought her birthday was in June" so even though they declared I could not change my birthday in their minds I did so. So as all the African American's celebrate Junetenth I will be celebrating my faux birthday along side them.


It has been a bit since I updated everyone on the lives of the hamsters. Things have been fairly slow for the hamsters. There have been no new ones brought in since about February or March. Which, is good since I have no room for any more.

At the moment everyone, except the guinea pigs are living in their summer quarters which is my sun room. It is warmer than the actual house and they have much more room out there. I am down to only 2 guinea pigs, Zara and Zoe. Teddy and Swirl were reunited with their family a few weeks ago. I was sad to see them go but knew how excited Vikki was to get them back in her house.

The last members to join to group (I think) were 5 baby Russian Campbell hamsters born on February 5th. Unlike, the big Syrian hamsters the dwarf hamsters can live together and usually prefer to have a companion. However, once they have been separated it is almost impossible to get them to live with another one again. These 5 boys came together and lived together in a huge aquarium. However, after a few days they started beating up on the two smallest brothers. So the small ones were removed and the three bigger ones were adopted out together. I decided to keep the two smaller ones to see if they were in fact able to be a good pet or if they were just mean by nature. Having Lakshmi aka Satan, knowing he was never abused or hurt being so mean I was curious. I named the two boys Raja, Hindu for King and Raavi, Hindu for Sun. Raja is a light grey in color with fire red eyes and Raavi is a dark grey with dark red eyes. I held these guys every day from the day I got them. Hand fed them, hand dusted them, everything and one day out of the blue Raavi turned into a mini Satan. Raja became very skittish and would not let you touch him or in most instances even see him.

About a week ago, I noticed that the two boys were fighting a lot, it seemed to be all they did. They fought over who would go through the tunnel first, who would get food first, everything. Earlier this week, I discovered that Raavi had beaten the crap out of his brother so their cages were immediately separated and they live as bachelors now. Raja was thrilled to have his own place, Raavi on the other hand was mad as a wet cat when he discovered his whipping boy was no longer available. I now refer to him as Evil Jr.

Mama had a stroke over the weekend and I did not expect her to live past Saturday night. I noticed on Friday that she was not really herself but she is a pretty solitary hamster. On Saturday when I returned from Pridefest,she was not walking very well and just did not look good. I called Phyllis and we started the process of sending her Reiki and energy to help her transition to the other side. Sunday morning came and she was in bad shape, she could not walk at all, she could not use her back legs and was having a hard time breathing. On top of that, I noticed she was infested with mites. The main thing to do at this point was get the mites off of her so she could be more comfortable. So in her fragile state she got a nice warm bath and a quick dip. I put her in a basket with lots of warm blankets and towels and just kept her by my side so she was not alone. Every hour or so I would try to get her to drink water but for the most part she did not want anything. I discovered that if I did not let her curl up in a ball (which is their tendency) she could breath much better.

Monday came and she was still with me, so I packed her up and took her to work. She sat on my desk and I continued the ritual of giving her water whenever she would take it and by the end of Monday she was taking water on her own. By the time I got home Monday night she was taking small bits of fruit. Tuesday she went to work again and by this time everyone was stopping by to see her. She hated this, most hamster do not like to be woke up. And Mama is no exception. In fact she was getting really nasty about it and would threaten to bite anyone who looked at her. By Tuesday night she was eating on her own and drinking on her own.

She is still very wobbly on her feet, but she can use all 4 legs now and is drinking and eating on her own. I worry terribly about her, but I also know that she is a aging hamster and will not live forever.

As for everyone else they are all still there and still the same. Sasha is still as prissy as ever, Parker is still the stud of the group and is in love with which ever girl he can get to at the moment. Guini is still Guini, he is bitchy when he escapes from his cage and can't get back in. Apparently this is my fault and he screams at me when I find him. Tommy the gerbil is getting a new baby boy this weekend to hopefully be his friend. Dharma the mouse is still there and still as cute and happy as ever. Laki is still evil and nasty and I would toss him out but I am afraid he will break my door down and come back in. Lance and Pandora my dwarf's are good. Although, Lance is getting up there in age and is now kind of batty. Zara and Zoe the piggies are back in the living room where they like to be, high on a table where Kali can't bother them. They adjusted fine to their friends leaving. Tau and Kali will never change, although Tau has all the sudden turned into a lover and wants to sit in your lap and have you cuddle him. He has not been this way since he was a tiny baby. But he turned 5 and reverted. Kali is still just as in charge of the house as she ever was. Nothing get past our girl. They are going to Carlsbad and White Sands Desert this weekend so I will have some pictures for you next week.


If you have never experienced a Gay Pride celebration it is something you have to do before you die. The Gay/Lesbian community celebrate like no other group out there. While we were at the festival we decided to take advantage of the free HIV testing they were doing. Even though I was 95% sure it was negative, you never know.

To get started you fill out a form that asks the usual questions: Name, address, age, sexual orientation. I am pretty sure I was one of a few who checked the hetro box. They then ask you on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest what do you consider your risk level to be. I had no idea. So I left that line blank. We had to wait about 30 minutes to get in but when I did I was so nervous. Even though I knew it was negative I was still nervous.

The nurse I had was so nice and sweet and was in the air conditioned van. She looked over my form and asked why I did not rate my risk level. I looked at her and told her "I have no idea what it would be." She was so nice, she told me that we were going to look over my lifestyle and past sexual history and make a decision based on that information. I told her I have been married 3 times. I knew that as of 1994 I was negative because it was tested when I got pregnant. Since then I have had 2 encounters with men that I was not married to. She asked if I was 100% positive that #3 was faithful to me. All I could tell her was that he said he was, but then again he said he loved me too. So based on that I now consider anything said by him to be a lie. So no I was not a 100% sure that he was faithful and even if he was he has had more relationships in his life than a I can count. So he probably has a higher risk than I do.

Being the kind person she was she did not even flinch when I said this. Even when she saw that it upset me just a bit to admit it out loud. She simply said "We never trust them after they break our hearts. So you are okay not trusting him. And you are doing the right thing by getting tested."

The next step is they take some blood from your finger, like they do when you donate blood. The prick the end and fill this little vial with a certain amount of blood. It sounded so easy and probably was for the other 1000 people who got tested. But for some reason, my body refused to bleed. She pricked my finger and a drop of blood came out and that was it. She got a bigger pricker thingy and did another finger and a drop of blood came out. She showed me where we needed to fill the vial to and suggested maybe standing up would help the blood flow faster. So I stood up...nothing. Finally after much squeezing she got just enough to put on the test strip. Now you wait 10 minutes. This was the longest 10 minutes of my life. But, while the test was going I asked a few questions about how the disease is transmitted and how it was treated.

This was the fun part, I explained that I have not dated much in the past 20 years. So I am a bit of a novice on the intimate level of dating. I asked how is it appropriate to ask a potential partner if they are disease free. Apparently this is a common thing in the homo world. Her answer was so funny, she said once I was comfortable in a relationship and we have decided we want to forgo protection you take them to a clinic and get tested and you wait for the results. She told me "never take their word for it that they are clean. If you can't trust a man you were married to an felt you knew pretty well than why would you trust someone you had only known for a short time. See the test results for yourself in black and white and from the clinic not the person." Apparently you are not suppose to trust anyone. Which works well for me since I don't trust anyone.

When all was said and done and I had my clean bill of health and was updated on my Hepatitis shot (cause you do that at a gay festival too) I talked to Harold about it and he said that many gays advertise disease free. So I will keep my clean bill of health and before I have any kind of encounter with a man I will ask to see his, since this is the new dating format I want to make sure I do it right.

For now however, I think I am going to stay single for a while longer. The whole testing for disease before you get intimate is just a bit much for me.
Today was the big Albuquerque Pridefest parade and festival. I am exhausted so I will write more about it later. But just know it was so amazingly wonderful. And I have so many details and things to tell you. But it will have to wait until tomorrow.
For the last few years for Joshua's birthday we have taken a trip. First to the Grand Canyon, last year I went up there and this year he is here so we have decided to take a trip to Monterey, California together. I am so excited about my upcoming trip. This is some place that I have never been and have always wanted to go. I have been to California a few times, I have been to San Diego, San Jose, San Francisco, Ventura and drove through LA. But I have always wanted to go to Monterey because of Monterey Bay.

Monterey Bay has just about everything a marine lover could want. They have whales, dolphins, otters, seals and most importantly great white sharks. For the past 4 or 5 years Monterey Bay Aquarium has been able to exhibit a great white shark in their Outer Bay Aquarium. The sharks have all been caught in fishing nets and they are all infants. The aquarium has been able to house them in the exhibit and learn so much from them that you can not get in the wild. Once the shark is large enough and starts to exhibit their natural tendency to hunt they release it back into the bay. Last year the one they had was only on exhibit a few weeks it would not eat properly and so it was released in back into the wild. I am hoping and begging all the Gods that they have one for me to see while I am there. The only definite plans I know of besides the aquarium is a sailing trip that Joshua was interested in.

My plan is to leave Albuquerque on September 2nd and drive as far as we can. It is only 1000 miles so I can do it easily in one day if I want to. But we are not rushing it. We will spend Friday sailing and going to the aquarium. Saturday and Sunday we will just explore and see what we can find and head home on Monday. This will be the best trip I have had in a long time. It will just be me and Joshua and Phyllis if she wants to come. The dogs are staying home for this trip. I have a co worker who is a pet sitter on the side. She will live at my house while I am gone and take care of all the animals. This way Tau & Kali do not have to spend any time in a kennel while we enjoy the bay and aquarium. They will be much happier at home being pampered.

This will definitely be an adventure, Joshua and I will be traveling to a part of the country neither of us have been before and we are doing it on our own. Which means I have to start really studying the maps on mapquest to determine the best routes to take. I want routes with little construction delays and detours. That way I am not wasting time sitting in traffic.

If anyone of you have been out this way send me an email with ideas on things to do while we are there.

Don't you just want to kiss that little face?
Last week I went to my doctor because I was sick. It was odd really, I never go because I am sick. I am always going for some strange affliction but never just because I am sick. But I went to bed last Monday with a sore throat and it did not go away so I decided to pay a visit to her and see what the heck was going on. Metaphysically I knew that I originally got the sore throat because I was not voicing my thoughts to someone here at work. Thereby I created a sore throat by holding those thoughts in. But, I had to explain to my body that sometimes it is best not to say what is on my mind and just keep it to myself. After this realization the sore throat should have gone away, but it did not.

When I arrived at the doctors office there were notes everywhere about "the flu" it said if you have any of the following symptoms tell them immediately. The symptoms were, sore throat, muscle aches, coughing, etc. I was a bit nervous because I currently had 5 out of the 8 symptoms. But I did not panic, because I just don't usually panic about medical issues. Anyway, I saw the doctor found out I had a simply sinus infection that was pretty much going away on its own. She was concerned that I was so tired and that my surgeon had reported to her that my blood pressure was low on all three visits to her including the day of my surgery, when it should have been slightly elevated. So she suggested that I start taking B12 and B6.

If you have never taken B12 it is a tiny little pill you put under your tongue once a day. Within 20 minutes I could feel the effect of this little wonder pill. I was no longer tired and no longer sleepy. I felt good. I could actually do things and not get tired or lose interest. It's like taking Prince Valium only you don't get wigged out. So all week I have been sorting through things at my house and actually having fun doing it.

Last night I started cleaning out my craft closet which I now refer to as the crap closet. Because I have so much crap in there it is frightening. One thing I did find in the closet was all the clothes for the dogs. All of Kali's cute dresses she won't wear and Tau's cute coats and tshirts he loves to wear. And since it is Pride week in Albuquerque and Tau is a gay dog. I dressed him up and paraded him down the sidewalk in his own Parade of the Queens show. My favorite was the pink dress with pink crystals, sequined collar and big pink flower (this was actually Kali's but she hated it). I dressed my dog in drag and he loved it. He ran up and down the sidewalk with his mommy telling him to "Strut his gay self" "Be proud of the gay dog you are" and on and on. I am pretty sure my neighbors are going to leave me alone for awhile I think I scared them a bit. But we had fun and it is all because the B12 gave me enough energy to play when I got home.
Today is June 11th, My Day. The day that I take every year (except for 1) and do nothing but celebrate being me and all that I want to do.

I am not really sure other than working what I am going to do but I will enjoy it no matter what it is. My guess is it will involve shopping for either shoes or a bowl. Either way I will let everyone know what I did later on.

Have a great June 11th.

Somewhere between January 1, 2000 and June 1, 2007 I lost myself. Not technically as in I could not locate my body; I'm nuts but not that nuts. I mean spiritually and emotionally. The part of me that makes me who I am took a much needed vacation. In fact she took a 7 year vacation. I am now just realizing this. As that spiritual part of me returns so do the little things that make me happy. Those little things that I put away and forgot about.

It started a few weeks ago on one of Saturdays off. No one wanted to come outside and play with me so I decided to just wander around town and find something to do. Out of no where I decided that I wanted to shop for bowls. You know the kind you use in the kitchen for mixing and serving? The ones your mom and grandma had when you were little. For me, these bowls held love and comfort. They were always there in my mom's kitchen and in my grandma's kitchen. Every time I went into their house I knew the bowls were there. They were colorful and pretty and strangely for me they symbolized stability. So I went to find bowls and I spent the better part of an afternoon wandering around an old junk store on 4th street happy as a loon.

I went from booth to booth looking, touching, feeling and investigating everything they had. Some of it was just plain junk, some things I had no idea what they were, and then some of the things I would have loved to have in my house. But my mission was bowls. I found crystal bowls, jadeite bowls, Pyrex bowls and bowls of various colors and shapes. I found one huge white ceramic bowl that I really liked and one that is just weird bowl that reminded me of the 70's. I got my two bowls and left the store happy and content.

As the days moved on and I started to remember the things that bring joy into my life. The things that matter to no one but me. I realized I had put all that away. I don't know why I did it. Maybe because I knew that #3 would have no interest in my fun of shopping for all the crap from the 50's. Maybe I jut did not want to have to justify why I wanted a bright pink platter to anyone but myself. Whatever the reasons was it was time for that part of me to re-emerge from her nap.

So for the past several weeks, I stay on the look for bowls, platters, furniture, anything that makes me happy when I see it. Anything that makes me stop and go "Oh I love that". If I like it and can afford it I get it for myself and for my own happiness. I am loving the peace that I have when I stop in my kitchen and see my huge bowl, my 70's bowl, my peacock blue Gumbo bowl, my pink and turquoise platters these make me happy. And I hope to find more happiness shopping for bowls in every town I come to.
June has started off with a big bang. Joshua has decided that he is moving to Albuquerque. Now he has said this many times over the last few weeks but he is set on it now. I expect him here sometime this month. For me this is a nice turn of events. I love spending time with him and he is a ton of fun to travel with. I am not sure if he will be here in time to visit with his grandparents or not but he should be here in time to celebrate the 4th of July wth me.

June 3rd was my brother Jerry's 34th birthday. With all the problems he has experienced this year he deserved a great birthday and I hope he got it.

Yesterday, French's had their annual family day at Cliff's Amusement Park. Of course, I went with the "mo" and we had BBQ dinner and then I went to go ride some rides. Unfortunately I also have a sinus infection and it was not possible to ride anything that turned me upside down without my head exploding. I did however, want to ride one ride they had that I saw on their website. It is called the sidewinder. Heres a picture of it.
Now, it swings from side to side but while it is swinging the round car part is spinning in circles. It was so much fun, it was as close to flying as I was able to come. It was not a jerky ride so it was easy for me to close my eyes and just go with the motion and feeling. It was GREAT. Can't wait to do that one again. I think when Josh get's here we are hitting Cliff's so I can go on the rides that turn you upside down.

Next week (June 12-14) is Pridefest 2009. Harold and I already have our tickets. My Lesbian alter ego, Natalya will be joining him for the parade and festival. That is going to be a very wild day but lots of fun. I am just trying to decide what to wear. Being new to the whole alter ego, Lesbian side, I am not sure what to go with. I did figure out that my alter ego would never be a butch Lesbian, I can't do work boots, so I have to stick with a Lipstick Lesbian since that is what I can do. But, I am sure I will have more new experiences to share with everyone when that weekend ends. Unless I drink too much and I can't remember it. Then Harold will have to share the details with you.

June 11th is the big day. It is "My Day" and the day I do my soul retreival. I am actually looking forward to it and I have been preparing for almost 2 months now, so I will be ready and willing come Thursday.

A big day in June for Pagans is the Summer Solstice on June 21st. It is the longest day of the year, the halfway point between the Winter Solstice and the Summer Solstice. The days will slowly start to get shorter after the 21st. It is also one of the more powerful days to do spell work. Even though I will be in Carlsbad with my Mom and Daddy I plan on taking a few mintues to do a little ritual casting, to help with a few bad apples in my bunch. Even though I have already done binding to keep them from harming me or sending negativity to me, the ritual I do on the 21st will just add strength to it. Fear not, young campers. Our motto is "Harm None" so no matter how much I would like to turn people into frogs hanging on the end of a fishing pole, I can't do that.

So as I end my first week in June I am happy and content. I am enjoying my continued nesting of my house, even though I know somewhere down the road there will be a move, I like the idea of surrounding myself with things I like and enjoy. Poor Josh he gets to come into my house of crazy chaos. I think his sanity will last about 48 hours and he will be just as nuts as his mother.

I am having the hardest time believing that June starts tomorrow. I know it does because my calendar says so. But it seems like yesterday it was winter. Time flies when you start to get older.

May was a busy month for me. It started with Beltane (aka: May Day), which I celebrated quietly, we then had Mother's Day, which I celebrated by working. I did get a Mother's Day gift from Joshua, a gold locket which I put a picture of him on one side and a picture of both of us on the other. I had my surgery at the beginning of the month and as is my style, I followed that up by going home and taking care of the critters and working all weekend. The only downtime I had following the surgery was literally the drive home. I know this made several of my friends annoyed but for me to stop because of a medical procedure is just unheard of. Unless I am dying or drugged there is no reason to stop what I am doing.

I am continuing to prepare for my parents visit, I had cable installed in my dressing room (aka: guest bedroom) so that when I am living in there I will have my computer and TV. My parents are going to reside in my master bedroom during their visit.

May is the final month for the symphony so Phyllis and I went to the symphony for Carmina Burana, which as always they were amazing. The symphony chorus is one of the best in the country. They are invited to perform with several well known symphony's around the country. We had tickets to attend both symphony concerts at the zoo but unfortunately this is also our rainy time and it rained on both Saturdays and I did not like the idea of sitting on the wet ground even for the symphony

I had the cabin for the weekend of the 16th but Harold was celebrating his son's college graduation and I was not feeling that great, so I have rescheduled to have the cabin during my parents visit so they can enjoy the moutains and do something a bit different.

One thing that I have learned how to do and I am loving it is to use my outdoor grill. I have almost mastered BBQing and grilling everything from steaks and chicken to zuccini and squash with perfection. It is so much fun, usually I invite someone over for dinner and we just hang out and visit. Last week was Jeanie, she delivered my new chair in her SUV so as payment I BBQ'd chicken and had vegetables and lemonade. It was a wonderful way to pass a nice summer evening.

Well as I said June starts tomorrow and it will be another wild month. My brother Jerry's birthday is the 3rd. Devon and Danae's are later in the month and my mom and daddy are coming out and I am so EXCITED to see them. I can't wait, I am counting down the days.
I read this article and it had me laughing for at least a day. Anyone who has encountered fire ants knows how destructive and horrible they are. They are almost impossible to kill and the will invade anything and set up home. So when I saw this article on how to control the fire ants I was happy about that until I read the article. I am not sure what was funnier the zombie ants or remembering the disastrous "nutra rat" debacle many years ago.

Parasitic flies turn fire ants into zombies

It sounds like something out of science fiction: zombie fire ants. But it's all too real.

Fire ants wander aimlessly away from the mound.

Eventually their heads fall off, and they die.

The strange part is that researchers at the University of Texas at Austin and Texas A&M's AgriLife Extension Service say making "zombies" out of fire ants is a good thing.

"It's a tool — they're not going to completely wipe out the fire ant, but it's a way to control their population," said Scott Ludwig , an integrated pest management specialist with the AgriLife Extension Service in Overton , in East Texas .

The tool is the tiny phorid fly, native to a region of South America where the fire ants in Texas originated. Researchers have learned that there are as many as 23 phorid species along with pathogens that attack fire ants to keep their population and movements under control.

So far, four phorid species have been introduced in Texas .

The flies "dive-bomb" the fire ants and lay eggs. The maggot that hatches inside the ant eats away at the brain, and the ant starts exhibiting what some might say is zombie-like behavior.

"At some point, the ant gets up and starts wandering," said Rob Plowes, a research associate at UT.

The maggot eventually migrates into the ant's head, but Plowes said he "wouldn't use the word 'control' to describe what is happening. There is no brain left in the ant, and the ant just starts wandering aimlessly. This wandering stage goes on for about two weeks."

About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off and the fly emerges ready to attack any foraging ants away from the mound and lay eggs.

Plowes said fire ants are "very aware" of these tiny flies, and it only takes a few to cause the ants to modify their behavior.

"Just one or two flies can control movement or above-ground activity," Plowes said. "It's kind of like a medieval activity where you're putting a castle under siege."

Researchers began introducing phorid species in Texas in 1999. The first species has traveled all the way from Central and South Texas to the Oklahoma border. This year, UT researchers will add colonies south of the Metroplex at farms and ranches from Stephenville to Overton . It is the fourth species introduced in Texas .

Fire ants cost the Texas economy about $1 billion annually by damaging circuit breakers and other electrical equipment, according to a Texas A&M study. They can also threaten young calves.

Determining whether the phorid flies will work in Texas will take time, perhaps as long as a decade.

"These are very slow acting," Plowes said. "It's more like a cumulative impact measured across a time frame of years. It's not an immediate silver bullet impact."

The flies, which are USDA -approved, do not attack native ants or species and have been introduced in other Gulf Coast states, Plowes said. Despite initial concerns, farmers and ranchers have been willing to let researchers use their property to establish colonies. At the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association in Fort Worth in March, Plowes said they found plenty of volunteers.

When I started dating my guides were very specific about staying unattached. I am still not sure I know what this means but I agreed to give it a whirl. When I started dating my astrologer told me the only person that had a snowballs chance in hell of having a relationship with me would be a fellow workaholic. So basically I was adviced to find a workaholic that I could stay unattached to.

I am was not sure this was remotely possible but low and behold I found a fellow workaholic that I really liked. However, when he explained his job to me I was concerned because it sounded complicated...not the job but the effects it had on his life. I told him it sounded complicated and I was a bit concerned because I have already had the complicated relationship. Where the simplest decisions were treated as life altering decision by him. I really did not want to revisit that lifestyle. I have learned to live a simple life where if I can't decide what to eat for dinner I just don't eat anything versus allowing that thought to take over my mood and therefore torturing all those around me. But, he assured me that he was able to keep the two separate. So I agree to give it a go. I did tell him that if I felt it was interfering I would put a stop to right away. I explained that I in no way wanted to repeat any past relationships and I was going to be diligent in looking for any signs of a repeat relationship. I really wanted to be up front with him on what I expected and how I would respond. Not that being up front always helps in a realtionship but at least I knew I had giving him far warning.

Several weeks went by and things were good, we did not get to see each other on a regular basis due to our work schedules but we talked a lot via email and the phone. When we did see each other it was great. The guides would remind me that this was an unattached non permenant relationship and I agreed each time. As the weeks have gone by the relationship has fizzled out to pretty much nothing. He explained that his busy time was now through June. I told him I understood. However, even in the busy time a note is something I expect to receive at least once a week or how am I suppose to know he is still interested? But, I no longer get messages from him. He would respond if I sent him a message but after a few weeks he no longer instigated the messages. As I was thinking this over the other day, I realized here I was again at the point of do or die.

I have already done this relationship with #2. The relationship where I am not important enough in their life to correspond on their own, they will write if written to and answer if called, but once it gets to the point that they are not doing it on their own it is over for me. I asked my friends, if it was wrong to actually want to be chased for once in my life. Is it wrong to want to be pursued and courted? Why do I always have to be the one to do the courting?

Well I am not any longer. I decided that if he wants to have any form of relationship with me the ball is in his court. He can pursue me, I am not going to do anything more. So we will see, as far as I am concerned we are not in a relationship nor are we seeing each other. And, I am okay with this. Life is not about who you are seeing or dating but about what they bring to the table. At this point my table is bare and I have other things to do. So until he makes the next step there is nothing to look forward to. It is sad because I really liked him and I thought he felt the same but this is my life lesson. As long as I stay true to myself and keep in mind what I am wanting out of a partner then all will be well. But, as soon as I settle like all the times in the past it will get complicated and tiresome and I don't want that.

So now it is just me and the critters once again. Luckily there is nothing to let go of since we never got far. I also learned not to let it go far until I have been in the relationship long enough to know where it may lead. It certainly makes the clean up easier later on.
I was talking to my father, Bill last weekend. I try to call him every couple of weeks just to make sure he is doing okay. He has had his ups and downs since my step mom's passing in December. We talked about all the things you usually talk about, how he is holding up, my life, his life, books we have read, various topics on various subjects. He asked if I was staying in Albuquerque and I told him that for the time being it a good place to be. There is no way I could ever go back to Houston, too much time has passed by and I can no longer handle the chaos that revolves around my family out there. I know he would like me to move to Florida but even as a kid, I loved to visit there but never wanted to live there. Maybe later in life when I am looking for warm weather I will look to moving to Florida like all the other senior citizens but for now Albuquerque is my home and I plan on staying. My hope for Albuquerque is that #3 will move out of New Mexico all together so do have to see him again in this lifetime. But time will take care of that problem.

Bill asked me if I had any goals or dreams for the future and I honestly told him no. Later as the day progressed I was thinking to myself that was sad that I did not have any goals for life. But then I realized it was not sad at all and that I like not having any goals or dreams for my life. I no longer live my life in the future based on what I want to happen down the road. I now live my life in the moment, for the now. I live as I go along. There are things that I want to do in life but I do not waste time focused on those things. I have done this for the past 30 years, I sit around telling myself that I want to accomplish this or that, or go here or there, or learn how to do this or that. Now instead of thinking about it as something to do in the future, I think about doing it now. If I want to go somewhere, I go; there is no reason to wait anymore. If I want to have something and it is within my power to have it, why should I wait and hope someone gives it to me as a gift. I get it for myself.

There are things that I would like to do but they are not within my power to do them at this moment; such as; going to South Africa to swim with the Great White Sharks. That does not mean I will never do it, I just don't waste my time fantasizing about it. The day will come when I have the means to do it and I will. Probably without telling anyone so that I do not get the lectures about the dangers. I have spent my life dreaming about doing things and I just realized that what I dream about doing I never actually do. I always come up with a reason to keep dreaming about. So I am letting go of the dreams and goals for life and just living for today for what I can do in this moment. For what I have the means and capabilities of doing today…right now. Not what I want to do next summer.

Does it make me sad to realize I have no dreams and goals for life? No not really. Dreams and goals are a good thing but I have moved passed them. I am done dreaming about what I want in life and now I am old enough and smart enough to just get what I want in life.
Yesterday was the day I finally was able to have the procedure I have been planning for several months now. There were rescheduled appointments, problems with various things on my part that caused us to have to wait. But, I finally got everything done yesterday. When I first mentioned the procedure without question my friends were supportive and encouraging and my ex wanted to know if I was having an abortion. He stated that I am very evasive in my posts so therefore he could only assume that was what I was having done.

He is correct I am evasive on some things and there are reasons behind that. The main reason is I have followers that I do not know. They enjoy the blog and read it like everyone else; they are however, strangers to me. This causes me to be a bit skittish about what information is given out regarding my private life. If it is something that my family and closest friends need to know, they are informed privately before anything is said on the blog.

But, I can in this case let everyone know what the big procedure was because it is done and over with. I was evasive about the procedure because I did not want to hear any one's opinion on the subject unless I asked for it. There are reasons behind my decision to have this procedure done and I will explain those as well. Yesterday I went to Presbyterian Hospital and saw my doctor and the easiest way to say it is that I was spayed. I don't know what you call it in the human world. But, I made the decision to be permanently alter so that I can no longer reproduce.

I realize this is not a big decision for people and most women I know have already done this. But, when I fist started thinking about it the response I got from people was "Why worry about it? You are not in a relationship" or my personal favorite "Just wait for menopause and use condoms." This is why I decided to keep my final decision private. I realize that I am not in a permanent relationship at the moment, but I am hoping one day that will change. I am pretty sure that sometime in the future I will meet a man that I will have a lasting relationship with and I am hoping that we will be able to move past the need for condoms. Of course this will be after every test for every transmittable disease and rabies comes back negative.

I also recall that when #3 and I got married he was all gung ho about having children and then that changed. Once he decided that he was not in the market for more children sex and ovulation became the biggest part of my life. God help me if he happened to mis-organism and then bug the shit out of me for the next 2 weeks worried that I may be pregnant. I knew I wasn't but he never learned to trust me so he never believed me. He would bitch and moan for days about how horrible it would be to have a kid and on and on. Thank every power that is out there it never happened and I never ever want to go through that again.

The next reason is because I don't want anymore kids. I have not wanted more kids since September 11, 1987 after going through labor and delivery. It was not fun then and I don't believe anything has changed on how they are born so it probably is no fun now. Besides, the idea of bringing an innocent person into the world as it is now does not appeal to me.

And as for waiting for menopause that was just unrealistic. Although I have no problem with menopause and I look forward to that transition into the final stage of the Goddess, I have no idea what age that could happen at. There is not one woman in my family that has ever gone through menopause naturally so I would be the first. It could happen in my 40's or 50's. Technically, I could have 5 years, 10 years or even 15 years before I go through menopause and the thought of being in a loving, supportive, caring relationship and having to worry about birth control at 50 sucks. So I chose this method to deal with it.

So there you have it folks, nothing dramatic, nothing traumatic and nothing sleazy, I simply got spayed.

PS: I did mention it to "the man" in passing a few weeks ago and as is his way, his response was "I support you in whatever you decide to do."
Today is one of those weird days were you wake up and you are just pissed off at the world around you. There is no reason to be pissed off and no one in particular pissed me off; I just woke up this way.

There really should be no reason at all for it. The last few days have been great for me. Friday was Beltane which is a Pagan holiday, we have 8 of them. Even though Beltane is not a major holiday it is still a fun reason to celebrate. Beltane is pretty much a fertility celebration. Remember with Pagan holidays they revolve around nature, the harvest, the livestock and life in general. So way back in the day they would gather on May 1st and celebrate Spring which is in full swing. They were getting ready to either plant their harvest or nurture what was already planted. Their livestock was giving birth to their babies and life was in abundance around them. So on Beltane they would stop and thank the God and Goddess for what they had and ask for good crops. The May Pole represents the God and Goddess, the pole being male (think for a minute you will figure it out) and the ribbons are the female. You hold onto the ribbons and dance around the May Pole to honor them and if you were a newly married couple you were asking for their blessings for fertility.

As a Beltane gift I finally bought my Ganesha wall hanging; my friend Jeanie came over and we hung him up on the back of my front door with the window behind his face. So in the morning the sun shines in and illuminates his face. It is just breath taking.

Saturday and Sunday I was off. I spent Saturday running around town doing the usual errands and what not. The day sucked, it was cold and rainy and I did not want to do anything. Sunday Harold and I drove up to Santa Fe and spent the day. We started off at the flea market, moved to the plaza, had lunch, shopped and then headed to Canyon Road. I wanted to go Project Tibet and Harold wanted to go look at $600 rugs made out of extra pieces of string. Once we accomplished that we drove around looking at all the houses in Santa Fe and stopped by the Liz Claiborne store and then headed home.

The night was finished up with dinner with some friends and then I headed home around 8:30 or 9 to start my chores. So all in all I had a really good weekend, full of friends and fun.

Monday, came and went without much of a notice. Tuesday, I had to go to the radio station and pick up a something for my nephew, Devin and then over to Presbyterian Hospital to pick up meds for my upcoming procedure on Friday. I just love having to take injections to the doctors office with you. You just know that if they can’t stock that medicine in their office and you have to go to the hospital pharmacy to get it because they are the only pharmacy that has it, it is something good.

Hopefully as the day progresses my mood will get better. I am having a small dinner party this evening with some friends. We will be grilling outside, in my now fully grassed yard. I actually mowed the yard last night. I still hate yard work but I love the grass. I hung up my Tibetan prayer flags that were a Beltane gift from Jeanie in my courtyard. They look wonderful, I will have to figure out a way to explain them to my parents when they come, but that will be another story. So tonight I am off to grill chicken, zucchini, squash and corn on the cob on my grill. I love my grill, it is a big one with lots of room for cooking. I would have never thought that I would actually ever pay money for a grill but I did when I first moved into my house and I use it a lot in the summer time. I have a rib eye in the fridge for later this week. I have been watching the cooking channel and Bobby Flay did grilled veggies the other day so I am going to try it tonight for my friends.