I like to think that when I am put in a difficult position it is to learn something. With my family visiting I was put into a new position. We were at my house and this was the longest time I have spent with my family since I left Texas in 2000. I did go on the cruise with my mom and that held it's own challenges but I still had the opportunity to hide and seek solitude when I needed it.
One thing I am trying to keep in the back of my mind is that I have to deal with Chrion in my house of home. So I need to make sure that I utilize every opportunity I have to work on that so that I can finish it and move on. This trip I realized I learned a few things that will help me down the road.
The first and probably most important thing I learned revolved around my parents relationship and how I viewed it. Growing up I would think "I want a relationship like my parents have." I always thought of their relationship as solid and healthy and it was what I longed for. After spending 5 days alone with both my parents together the entire time I saw what their relationship really was. I was also hit with the reality that I have already had their relationship...TWICE. I was just in the wrong position in my relationship. I was in my fathers position where as my ex's were in my mothers position.
Let me explain. Watching my mother and father together was like watching a bad movie. My mother can be very demanding and she expects everyone to go along with her plans for a trip. I heard her tell my father several times "You said you were going to have fun if you came on this trip!" I pointed out to her that everyone has a different idea of fun. My father likes to sit around and watch TV more than running 90 to nothing. My mother is the opposite. And, when he would express a lack of interest in doing something she wanted to do she would jump on him for not wanting to have fun. With my mom she pretty much makes the schedule as to what is going to be done and he is expected to go along with it. It was just interesting to watch them from a different perspective and I am pretty sure the guides were working on me seeing things from this perspective so I could understand better.
I realized that with #3 our relationship was very much like this. If he wanted me to do something that he deemed important and I did not want to participate I was shunned for being difficult and not wanting the same things in life as he did. He was big on watching movies and DVD's and he would expect me to watch them with him. I have a very hard time sitting still long enough to watch a movie on TV. I do not get as involved in movies as he did. I don't cry through them nor react the way he did because I don't get that involved. This is the way I am, I am use to doing 3 things at one time, because these things need to get done and I am the one doing them. If we traveled he made the itinerary and I was expected to just go with him. We never got to stop and play, because we were on a schedule, unless he wanted to stop and play. So this made me start to read while we travelled because I knew if I saw something interesting I would not be able to stop there. And the fact that he drove like a lunatic and scared the daylights out of me most of the time. I remember traveling through LA with him and Joshua and passing the Hollywood sign. Josh was playing his gameboy in the backseat and #3 told him to look up at the sign Josh's comment was "Are we going to be able to stop and see it?" #3 replied "no" so Joshua said "Then what is the point?" and continued playing his game.
When I travel I know where I am going the how I leave up to the trip. I love to stop and see interesting things and change the route along the way to accommodate new adventure. None of my ex's were ever this carefree. #2 never went anywhere because as an alcoholic he had to stay close to home to drink so any trips I did during that relationship were on my own expect for 1 and that was to take Joshua to San Antonio to see a Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit at a private museum. All he wanted to do once we hit S.A. was go to the hotel and watch TV. Not my idea of a good time. So I waited til he fell asleep and left him there. The next morning all he could think about was getting home. It did not matter that I had planned things to do while I was there, all he wanted to do was what he wanted to do. I did not matter, which was the basis of our entire relationship.
So I learned that what I thought was a relationship was just another form of abuse that 2 people do to each other. I am not healthy enough to know how to have a solid and loving relationship. I am not capable of knowing what that is because I have never in my entire 41 years of being alive seen it happen. I know what bad relationships are and how they play out, but I have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like. I know they exist but like the elk that live all over NM I have never seen it.