May Updates

I am having the hardest time believing that June starts tomorrow. I know it does because my calendar says so. But it seems like yesterday it was winter. Time flies when you start to get older.

May was a busy month for me. It started with Beltane (aka: May Day), which I celebrated quietly, we then had Mother's Day, which I celebrated by working. I did get a Mother's Day gift from Joshua, a gold locket which I put a picture of him on one side and a picture of both of us on the other. I had my surgery at the beginning of the month and as is my style, I followed that up by going home and taking care of the critters and working all weekend. The only downtime I had following the surgery was literally the drive home. I know this made several of my friends annoyed but for me to stop because of a medical procedure is just unheard of. Unless I am dying or drugged there is no reason to stop what I am doing.

I am continuing to prepare for my parents visit, I had cable installed in my dressing room (aka: guest bedroom) so that when I am living in there I will have my computer and TV. My parents are going to reside in my master bedroom during their visit.

May is the final month for the symphony so Phyllis and I went to the symphony for Carmina Burana, which as always they were amazing. The symphony chorus is one of the best in the country. They are invited to perform with several well known symphony's around the country. We had tickets to attend both symphony concerts at the zoo but unfortunately this is also our rainy time and it rained on both Saturdays and I did not like the idea of sitting on the wet ground even for the symphony

I had the cabin for the weekend of the 16th but Harold was celebrating his son's college graduation and I was not feeling that great, so I have rescheduled to have the cabin during my parents visit so they can enjoy the moutains and do something a bit different.

One thing that I have learned how to do and I am loving it is to use my outdoor grill. I have almost mastered BBQing and grilling everything from steaks and chicken to zuccini and squash with perfection. It is so much fun, usually I invite someone over for dinner and we just hang out and visit. Last week was Jeanie, she delivered my new chair in her SUV so as payment I BBQ'd chicken and had vegetables and lemonade. It was a wonderful way to pass a nice summer evening.

Well as I said June starts tomorrow and it will be another wild month. My brother Jerry's birthday is the 3rd. Devon and Danae's are later in the month and my mom and daddy are coming out and I am so EXCITED to see them. I can't wait, I am counting down the days.

Only in Texas

I read this article and it had me laughing for at least a day. Anyone who has encountered fire ants knows how destructive and horrible they are. They are almost impossible to kill and the will invade anything and set up home. So when I saw this article on how to control the fire ants I was happy about that until I read the article. I am not sure what was funnier the zombie ants or remembering the disastrous "nutra rat" debacle many years ago.

Parasitic flies turn fire ants into zombies

By Bill Hanna, Fort Worth Star-Telegram Bill Hanna, Fort Worth Star-telegram – Tue May 12, 2:09 pm ET

It sounds like something out of science fiction: zombie fire ants. But it's all too real.

Fire ants wander aimlessly away from the mound.

Eventually their heads fall off, and they die.

The strange part is that researchers at the University of Texas at Austin and Texas A&M's AgriLife Extension Service say making "zombies" out of fire ants is a good thing.

"It's a tool — they're not going to completely wipe out the fire ant, but it's a way to control their population," said Scott Ludwig , an integrated pest management specialist with the AgriLife Extension Service in Overton , in East Texas .

The tool is the tiny phorid fly, native to a region of South America where the fire ants in Texas originated. Researchers have learned that there are as many as 23 phorid species along with pathogens that attack fire ants to keep their population and movements under control.

So far, four phorid species have been introduced in Texas .

The flies "dive-bomb" the fire ants and lay eggs. The maggot that hatches inside the ant eats away at the brain, and the ant starts exhibiting what some might say is zombie-like behavior.

"At some point, the ant gets up and starts wandering," said Rob Plowes, a research associate at UT.

The maggot eventually migrates into the ant's head, but Plowes said he "wouldn't use the word 'control' to describe what is happening. There is no brain left in the ant, and the ant just starts wandering aimlessly. This wandering stage goes on for about two weeks."

About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off and the fly emerges ready to attack any foraging ants away from the mound and lay eggs.

Plowes said fire ants are "very aware" of these tiny flies, and it only takes a few to cause the ants to modify their behavior.

"Just one or two flies can control movement or above-ground activity," Plowes said. "It's kind of like a medieval activity where you're putting a castle under siege."

Researchers began introducing phorid species in Texas in 1999. The first species has traveled all the way from Central and South Texas to the Oklahoma border. This year, UT researchers will add colonies south of the Metroplex at farms and ranches from Stephenville to Overton . It is the fourth species introduced in Texas .

Fire ants cost the Texas economy about $1 billion annually by damaging circuit breakers and other electrical equipment, according to a Texas A&M study. They can also threaten young calves.

Determining whether the phorid flies will work in Texas will take time, perhaps as long as a decade.

"These are very slow acting," Plowes said. "It's more like a cumulative impact measured across a time frame of years. It's not an immediate silver bullet impact."

The flies, which are USDA -approved, do not attack native ants or species and have been introduced in other Gulf Coast states, Plowes said. Despite initial concerns, farmers and ranchers have been willing to let researchers use their property to establish colonies. At the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association in Fort Worth in March, Plowes said they found plenty of volunteers.

Unattached Dating

When I started dating my guides were very specific about staying unattached. I am still not sure I know what this means but I agreed to give it a whirl. When I started dating my astrologer told me the only person that had a snowballs chance in hell of having a relationship with me would be a fellow workaholic. So basically I was adviced to find a workaholic that I could stay unattached to.

I am was not sure this was remotely possible but low and behold I found a fellow workaholic that I really liked. However, when he explained his job to me I was concerned because it sounded complicated...not the job but the effects it had on his life. I told him it sounded complicated and I was a bit concerned because I have already had the complicated relationship. Where the simplest decisions were treated as life altering decision by him. I really did not want to revisit that lifestyle. I have learned to live a simple life where if I can't decide what to eat for dinner I just don't eat anything versus allowing that thought to take over my mood and therefore torturing all those around me. But, he assured me that he was able to keep the two separate. So I agree to give it a go. I did tell him that if I felt it was interfering I would put a stop to right away. I explained that I in no way wanted to repeat any past relationships and I was going to be diligent in looking for any signs of a repeat relationship. I really wanted to be up front with him on what I expected and how I would respond. Not that being up front always helps in a realtionship but at least I knew I had giving him far warning.

Several weeks went by and things were good, we did not get to see each other on a regular basis due to our work schedules but we talked a lot via email and the phone. When we did see each other it was great. The guides would remind me that this was an unattached non permenant relationship and I agreed each time. As the weeks have gone by the relationship has fizzled out to pretty much nothing. He explained that his busy time was now through June. I told him I understood. However, even in the busy time a note is something I expect to receive at least once a week or how am I suppose to know he is still interested? But, I no longer get messages from him. He would respond if I sent him a message but after a few weeks he no longer instigated the messages. As I was thinking this over the other day, I realized here I was again at the point of do or die.

I have already done this relationship with #2. The relationship where I am not important enough in their life to correspond on their own, they will write if written to and answer if called, but once it gets to the point that they are not doing it on their own it is over for me. I asked my friends, if it was wrong to actually want to be chased for once in my life. Is it wrong to want to be pursued and courted? Why do I always have to be the one to do the courting?

Well I am not any longer. I decided that if he wants to have any form of relationship with me the ball is in his court. He can pursue me, I am not going to do anything more. So we will see, as far as I am concerned we are not in a relationship nor are we seeing each other. And, I am okay with this. Life is not about who you are seeing or dating but about what they bring to the table. At this point my table is bare and I have other things to do. So until he makes the next step there is nothing to look forward to. It is sad because I really liked him and I thought he felt the same but this is my life lesson. As long as I stay true to myself and keep in mind what I am wanting out of a partner then all will be well. But, as soon as I settle like all the times in the past it will get complicated and tiresome and I don't want that.

So now it is just me and the critters once again. Luckily there is nothing to let go of since we never got far. I also learned not to let it go far until I have been in the relationship long enough to know where it may lead. It certainly makes the clean up easier later on.

Dreams and Goals

I was talking to my father, Bill last weekend. I try to call him every couple of weeks just to make sure he is doing okay. He has had his ups and downs since my step mom's passing in December. We talked about all the things you usually talk about, how he is holding up, my life, his life, books we have read, various topics on various subjects. He asked if I was staying in Albuquerque and I told him that for the time being it a good place to be. There is no way I could ever go back to Houston, too much time has passed by and I can no longer handle the chaos that revolves around my family out there. I know he would like me to move to Florida but even as a kid, I loved to visit there but never wanted to live there. Maybe later in life when I am looking for warm weather I will look to moving to Florida like all the other senior citizens but for now Albuquerque is my home and I plan on staying. My hope for Albuquerque is that #3 will move out of New Mexico all together so do have to see him again in this lifetime. But time will take care of that problem.

Bill asked me if I had any goals or dreams for the future and I honestly told him no. Later as the day progressed I was thinking to myself that was sad that I did not have any goals for life. But then I realized it was not sad at all and that I like not having any goals or dreams for my life. I no longer live my life in the future based on what I want to happen down the road. I now live my life in the moment, for the now. I live as I go along. There are things that I want to do in life but I do not waste time focused on those things. I have done this for the past 30 years, I sit around telling myself that I want to accomplish this or that, or go here or there, or learn how to do this or that. Now instead of thinking about it as something to do in the future, I think about doing it now. If I want to go somewhere, I go; there is no reason to wait anymore. If I want to have something and it is within my power to have it, why should I wait and hope someone gives it to me as a gift. I get it for myself.

There are things that I would like to do but they are not within my power to do them at this moment; such as; going to South Africa to swim with the Great White Sharks. That does not mean I will never do it, I just don't waste my time fantasizing about it. The day will come when I have the means to do it and I will. Probably without telling anyone so that I do not get the lectures about the dangers. I have spent my life dreaming about doing things and I just realized that what I dream about doing I never actually do. I always come up with a reason to keep dreaming about. So I am letting go of the dreams and goals for life and just living for today for what I can do in this moment. For what I have the means and capabilities of doing today…right now. Not what I want to do next summer.

Does it make me sad to realize I have no dreams and goals for life? No not really. Dreams and goals are a good thing but I have moved passed them. I am done dreaming about what I want in life and now I am old enough and smart enough to just get what I want in life.

Finally...Procedure Day

Yesterday was the day I finally was able to have the procedure I have been planning for several months now. There were rescheduled appointments, problems with various things on my part that caused us to have to wait. But, I finally got everything done yesterday. When I first mentioned the procedure without question my friends were supportive and encouraging and my ex wanted to know if I was having an abortion. He stated that I am very evasive in my posts so therefore he could only assume that was what I was having done.

He is correct I am evasive on some things and there are reasons behind that. The main reason is I have followers that I do not know. They enjoy the blog and read it like everyone else; they are however, strangers to me. This causes me to be a bit skittish about what information is given out regarding my private life. If it is something that my family and closest friends need to know, they are informed privately before anything is said on the blog.

But, I can in this case let everyone know what the big procedure was because it is done and over with. I was evasive about the procedure because I did not want to hear any one's opinion on the subject unless I asked for it. There are reasons behind my decision to have this procedure done and I will explain those as well. Yesterday I went to Presbyterian Hospital and saw my doctor and the easiest way to say it is that I was spayed. I don't know what you call it in the human world. But, I made the decision to be permanently alter so that I can no longer reproduce.

I realize this is not a big decision for people and most women I know have already done this. But, when I fist started thinking about it the response I got from people was "Why worry about it? You are not in a relationship" or my personal favorite "Just wait for menopause and use condoms." This is why I decided to keep my final decision private. I realize that I am not in a permanent relationship at the moment, but I am hoping one day that will change. I am pretty sure that sometime in the future I will meet a man that I will have a lasting relationship with and I am hoping that we will be able to move past the need for condoms. Of course this will be after every test for every transmittable disease and rabies comes back negative.

I also recall that when #3 and I got married he was all gung ho about having children and then that changed. Once he decided that he was not in the market for more children sex and ovulation became the biggest part of my life. God help me if he happened to mis-organism and then bug the shit out of me for the next 2 weeks worried that I may be pregnant. I knew I wasn't but he never learned to trust me so he never believed me. He would bitch and moan for days about how horrible it would be to have a kid and on and on. Thank every power that is out there it never happened and I never ever want to go through that again.

The next reason is because I don't want anymore kids. I have not wanted more kids since September 11, 1987 after going through labor and delivery. It was not fun then and I don't believe anything has changed on how they are born so it probably is no fun now. Besides, the idea of bringing an innocent person into the world as it is now does not appeal to me.

And as for waiting for menopause that was just unrealistic. Although I have no problem with menopause and I look forward to that transition into the final stage of the Goddess, I have no idea what age that could happen at. There is not one woman in my family that has ever gone through menopause naturally so I would be the first. It could happen in my 40's or 50's. Technically, I could have 5 years, 10 years or even 15 years before I go through menopause and the thought of being in a loving, supportive, caring relationship and having to worry about birth control at 50 sucks. So I chose this method to deal with it.

So there you have it folks, nothing dramatic, nothing traumatic and nothing sleazy, I simply got spayed.

PS: I did mention it to "the man" in passing a few weeks ago and as is his way, his response was "I support you in whatever you decide to do."

Hump Day Blues

Today is one of those weird days were you wake up and you are just pissed off at the world around you. There is no reason to be pissed off and no one in particular pissed me off; I just woke up this way.

There really should be no reason at all for it. The last few days have been great for me. Friday was Beltane which is a Pagan holiday, we have 8 of them. Even though Beltane is not a major holiday it is still a fun reason to celebrate. Beltane is pretty much a fertility celebration. Remember with Pagan holidays they revolve around nature, the harvest, the livestock and life in general. So way back in the day they would gather on May 1^st and celebrate Spring which is in full swing. They were getting ready to either plant their harvest or nurture what was already planted. Their livestock was giving birth to their babies and life was in abundance around them. So on Beltane they would stop and thank the God and Goddess for what they had and ask for good crops. The May Pole represents the God and Goddess, the pole being male (think for a minute you will figure it out) and the ribbons are the female. You hold onto the ribbons and dance around the May Pole to honor them and if you were a newly married couple you were asking for their blessings for fertility.

As a Beltane gift I finally bought my Ganesha wall hanging; my friend Jeanie came over and we hung him up on the back of my front door with the window behind his face. So in the morning the sun shines in and illuminates his face. It is just breath taking.

Saturday and Sunday I was off. I spent Saturday running around town doing the usual errands and what not. The day sucked, it was cold and rainy and I did not want to do anything. Sunday Harold and I drove up to Santa Fe and spent the day. We started off at the flea market, moved to the plaza, had lunch, shopped and then headed to Canyon Road. I wanted to go Project Tibet and Harold wanted to go look at $600 rugs made out of extra pieces of string. Once we accomplished that we drove around looking at all the houses in Santa Fe and stopped by the Liz Claiborne store and then headed home.

The night was finished up with dinner with some friends and then I headed home around 8:30 or 9 to start my chores. So all in all I had a really good weekend, full of friends and fun.

Monday, came and went without much of a notice. Tuesday, I had to go to the radio station and pick up a something for my nephew, Devin and then over to Presbyterian Hospital to pick up meds for my upcoming procedure on Friday. I just love having to take injections to the doctors office with you. You just know that if they can’t stock that medicine in their office and you have to go to the hospital pharmacy to get it because they are the only pharmacy that has it, it is something good.

Hopefully as the day progresses my mood will get better. I am having a small dinner party this evening with some friends. We will be grilling outside, in my now fully grassed yard. I actually mowed the yard last night. I still hate yard work but I love the grass. I hung up my Tibetan prayer flags that were a Beltane gift from Jeanie in my courtyard. They look wonderful, I will have to figure out a way to explain them to my parents when they come, but that will be another story. So tonight I am off to grill chicken, zucchini, squash and corn on the cob on my grill. I love my grill, it is a big one with lots of room for cooking. I would have never thought that I would actually ever pay money for a grill but I did when I first moved into my house and I use it a lot in the summer time. I have a rib eye in the fridge for later this week. I have been watching the cooking channel and Bobby Flay did grilled veggies the other day so I am going to try it tonight for my friends.

Merry Beltane