Road to 41 Celebration

You didn't think that I was going to stop celebrating at 40 did you? Hell no, I am just getting started. I have had this crazy desire since I turned 40 to do death defying things. I think I just want to prove to myself that I am alive. I have thought of crazy things to do, but I need to do something that is within reason, I am not going on an African safari or anything. I would be swimming with the Great Whites in California but that costs a lot of money and I am not in that much of a splurging mood.

So what could I do, I have already gone white water rafting; I highly suggest it if you have never done it. That is an amazing adventure. I have already climbed rocks, sat on a rock with a 200 foot drop below it and meditated. I have already been in a cage with sharks and fed them, I have done some really weird things in the middle of the night with a bunch of ghost hunters so what now. Then it hit me.......SKY DIVING.

I emailed my crazy friend, Deb, who is the only person crazier than me and always willing to test fate and she is totally up for it. So sometime between now and January 19, 2009 we are going to go skydiving. I can't wait they even take a video of it for you.

Like last year, give me ideas of things to do on my road to 41 celebration.

I Had A Dream

Don't you just love that line? I have a dream is what Martin Luther King said in his famous speech. But in my case it is "had" not "have". So what kind of dream did I have? Get your mind out of the gutter!

Last night was the first time since I became single again that I had a dream where I was romantic with another man. NO, I did not have sex with him in the dream. It was romantic, we kissed. Yes, I know this is not a big deal. But for me it is. I have not had any type of dream about another man since #3 and I broke up. I have had dreams about #3 and I but mostly they were dreams that reaffirmed our divorce not romantic one.

You may have figured out that I have been very down on the whole romance/love thing. But, I think this past week I have taken a turn for the better. I had this dream where I was the one to instigate a kiss and it was wonderful. Another plus for me was that I did not know the person in the dream. Well, in the dream we knew one another but I have no idea who he was. So that means that my imagination is working again. If I was able to create someone to be romantic with in my dreams that means my subconscious is ready to wake up. I don't think it means that I am going to cruise Central looking for a #4 it just means that I am not dead after all.

According to the psychic I saw in Arizona for my birthday she said a man would come into my life at the end of the year and that he would find me not the other way around. I think I am ready for that now. God help us all.

It All Comes Together

I finally saw why I was doing the hamster rescue. Everyone and their uncle has said the same thing to me "Hamster rescue...why?" and I answer "Why not, they deserve help to." But, that is my fall back, if there is an animal in need I am there to rescue them. Up until now I have gotten hamsters that are not wanted anymore or were born by accident. Until this week, I got Petunia; Tunie for short. She is a beautiful soul that has had a very hard time on this earth. She was found by a wonderful woman; Vicky in Rio Rancho, she found her in a box that was taped up and left on the side of the street. Tunie was dehydrated and almost dead. But Vicky took her in and got her back on her little hamster feet. Then I was given the privilege of taking over her care.

Phyllis and I drove over to Rio Rancho earlier this week and picked her up. At first I was a bit confused because she does not look like any hamsters I have seen. I was convinced she was either a rat or a hamster that was half rat. I don't know if rats and hamster would breed but I don't see why not they are both rodents. After a quick late night trip to the pet store, I was assured that she was in fact a hamster. She is a short haired hamster and she is quite old. So me and the old lady went home and Tau immediately tried to kill her by knocking her cage off the stool. Other than being a bit pissed off she was fine.

I started her new life by putting her in a nice comfy hamster cage and she FREAKED out. She did not know what to do, she was scared and I think she has a little PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) from her experience of being taped in a box. So I took her out and put her back in her 3 1/2 foot tall rat cage and she was happy again.

This was my first experience with a truly abused animal. On the outside Tunie looks fine, she is plump and bright eyed but on the inside she is scared of her shadow. She eats because she thinks there may not be any food later. She clings to me because I give her the one thing she craves in her little hamster world and that is unconditional love.

Watching her in her habitat is like watching your child when you first bring them home from the hospital. I am amazed at her and her strength, how did she find the courage to survive being abandoned and left for dead to come back full force and want to trust another person again. I can't do that and my life has not been one tenth as bad as hers.

As soon as I walk into the room and call her name she comes to the door and waits for me to open it. My past experience with hamsters is they want food not holding. But, Tunie is the opposite. She wants me to hold her and kiss her and cuddle her. I sat on the sofa with her why Tau and Kali tried once again to figure out what exactly she was. All Tunie did was crawl into my shirt and nestle up to my boob where she could feel my heartbeat. And she just laid there. Trust me when I tell you this is the closest anything has gotten to my boobs in a long time and it was the best feeling I have had in a long time.

I leave in a few days for Wyoming, this trip will be a major step in my new life. It is the first time I have traveled to this part of the country alone. I am not even sure I know how to get there, but I know it is North. Up until tonight I was only taking the dogs with me but I think on this trip Tunie is going to go with me. I have a carry pouch that I used for Kali when she was a baby and Tunie can go in that to be carried around. I think both of us will do well on this trip and who knows maybe I will learn something from her about forgiveness and love.

First Adoption

I had my first official adoption today. As I mentioned earlier I have started a hamster rescue Haven for Hamsters. So far I have taken in 6 hamsters and I adopted out my first one today. I was so worried about how the hamster would be treated and if they were going to a good home. I was so worried that I pretty much decided I was just going to keep them all and not adopt them out. Then I realized that I would have to stop taking in rescues if I did not find homes, there are only so many hamsters you can have in one room. So a wonderful girl has been emailing me and we talked on the phone. She came today to pick out her hamster. She took Scarlett home with her. She brought her the new cage she got it was adorable all pink and pretty a perfect cage for a princess hamster. While talking with her and her mom I knew that Scarlett would be very happy and loved in her new home. I am hoping this gets easier but I get so attached to them it is hard to let them go.
I will keep everyone updated on my adoptions both coming and going.

I Am Going To Shock You All

You know I am all about shocking people. It is really quite entertaining when I get going. It has been awhile since my life too a drastic turn. And in that time I have been trying to decide what to do with my life. At first I wanted to move back to Texas to be with my family. I thought this was the way to go. But, after a lot of thought and a few visits I realized my family has a little too much drama going on for me. I can't handle the amount of drama that I use to be able to. After much thought I finally realized that by moving would not necessarily be the best thing for me right now. So I have spent the last few weeks seriously thinking about what I wanted to do next. As much as I love my life here in New Mexico I just feel that it is coming to an end. I have great friends here but, one thing I learned from leaving Texas is that if they are true friend they go with you in your heart. And you stay in touch through email and phone calls.

So what is my next plan...I want to move to Wyoming. Stop laughing at me. It is true. Why? Because my son is there. For the last 7 years I have lived with the visits here and there, we talk all the time but he is getting old. He will be 21 in less than a month. I do not want to spend the rest of my life visiting him in spurts. I want to see him all the time, as he gets older he will want to settle down and have a family of his own. I want to be part of that. I do not want to be a distant grandparent. I want to be involved in their everyday lives.

I know I have a small issue with rural living. Mainly I get heart palpitations when I get 100 miles outside of a city but I think I can over come this. I am also looking for a quiet life now, something that is less dramatic and crazy. This may or may not work out for me. But, I want to see if it does. I have applied for jobs at several places and will do more looking when I get there next week. But, I think this may be my chance to finally get the kind of life I want. One that is quiet and peaceful and has my family involved.

So I am going to start focusing my power of thought on this and really thinking more about going there. I hope that everyone will support me in this plan and continue to share with me your thoughts and feelings about it. But you are only allowed to tell me how crazy I am once.

Just for Laughs

My friend Kyle sent this email to me and I have not stopped laughing since. It is so freaking funny. I do not know what the advertisement is for since it is in german I think but you will love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5ZwbDj7sQM

This one I heard on the radio a long time ago on the Bob & Tom Show. If you don't know who Tom Mabe is he is a comedian that likes to play jokes on telemarketers. This is a bit long but if you have ever had to keep repeating "I'm not interested" over and over you will appreciate it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

Okay so watch and listen and enjoy.

What Does It Mean To Be A Pagan?

In my blog I am very open about my religion, I am a Pagan. I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic church every Sunday, went to Catholic Sunday School (even though it was on Wednesday), read the Catholic newspaper, I even taught 3rd grade Catholic Sunday School, on Wednesday for about 5 years. But, I never considered myself a Catholic. I went to church because as a kid you have no choice, as an adult it pleased my parents that I was there every week and I would have done anything to see the smile I got from my daddy every Sunday when I sat down in our pew. My mom was not a Catholic and she was very vocal about that. She also went to please my daddy.

Around 1996 or so my parents left the Catholic church and converted to Southern Baptist. It was a shock to say the least. The drastic beliefs were very different from the Catholic church. But, they seemed to enjoy it even though it was a bit cultish to me. And as long as there were happy I was fine with it. With this change came a great chance for me. I was able to finally and openly admit to being a Pagan. I was not afraid to tell people about it and really did not care if they were offended by it. That was their choice if they did not want to understand what I believed.

But what does it mean when I say that I am a Pagan? What do I believe in? What do I worship? Am I going to hell for not being a Christian? Well here is my opinions on this subject.

First off Pagans do not in any way shape or form worship Satan. Satan is a christian Deity not a pagan one. Many people think we do worship him because the pagan horned god looks similar. But Satan has his own religious following called Satanism so we don't need to worry about that. Second we never ever ever ever harm any living being as a sacrifice, totem or anything else. That is voo-doo that uses animal blood and parts for its rituals. We do not hex people, cast spells against people or harm people in anyway again there are other religions that have the market on this and it is not Pagans.

Pagans can be best described as nature worshippers. Native Americans are very close to Pagans with their ancestral beliefs. Like the Native Americans Pagans believe that everything has a spirit; that includes animals, people, plants, trees, water, rocks, the earth, the sky and the universe. Everything is a living being and deserves respect for being here. If we take something out of nature we give something back. There are many different forms of Pagans they come in all shapes and sizes and cover the entire Earth. Every country has Pagans some are still hidden because of the hatred that people feel towards something they do not agree with or understand.

Many people believe that because we do not follow the life and teachings of Jesus we are doomed to hell for eternity. I am asked all the time how we feel about Jesus and here is how I answer that question: "Pagans believe in respecting everyone and their beliefs. Many Pagan’s were raised in the Christian faith and therefore they know about Jesus and his stories. I personally find them interesting. But, I have also learned that there were several people at the time of Jesus doing many of the same miracles. But, Christians truly believe in Jesus and for them this is their way of finding salvation and for me that is fine. Jesus was a good teacher and seemed to be an honorable person and for that I hold nothing but respect for him and his followers". If only I could say they felt the same towards me but I can't. I have many Christian friends who are okay with my religion and I know many Christians who tell me everytime I see them that they are praying for me to find my way back to the one true religion. I always answer them with "Don't waste your prayers on me. Use them for someone who will benefit from them." That usually just pisses them off.

So hopefully you will understand what a Pagan is a little bit more than before. I am always open to questions if you have any. I prefer not to be told how much you disagree with my beliefs, how wrong they are and how your religion is so much better than mine. Trust me I have heard it all before many many times.

I get emails from both family and friends who think that because I do not worship God I am once again doomed. Seriously, people at this rate I am doomed for so much longer than eternity it is not even funny. Pagan's do have a God he is the counter to our Goddess. Unlike Christians Pagans believe in duality. In order for there to be a God there has to be a Goddess, in order for there to be light there has to be dark, good/evil, and on and on.

Another confusion about Paganism is that Pagans are Wiccans. In some instances this is true, all Wiccans are considered Pagans but not all Pagans are Wiccans. There are many different versions of Pagans that go back centuries to peoples ancestry. So to call a Pagan a witch without knowing their beliefs could be a rather nasty insult. As for me, I started out as a Wiccan but as I have gotten older I am pretty much dropped the organized religion part and find my path on my own. My favorite question I would get from people when they found out I was a Pagan/Wiccan was "Are you a good witch or bad witch?" First off the only place you will find a witch titled good or bad is on the Wizard of Oz and unless you claim to be the Witch of the North, South, East or West and you are not on television you are considered a good witch. But then think about asking this question to a Catholic, Baptist or Jew. What would they say? Chances are they would be highly offended or insulted and it is the same with Wiccans. We are all good, some just practice the wrong way and they do not put enough consideration into what they are doing. This does not make them bad, just mixed up. All Pagans believe and live by the rule of three. Which simply states that if you do something bad, evil or harmful the universe will return that to you times three. This thought alone pretty much keeps us on the right track.

So now hopefully you know a little bit more about me and my faith. Don't worry about me trying to convert you, unlike other religions we do not send people door to door looking for new members.

Let Me Explain Myself Better

First off I want to thank everyone for their concern and love over the past year since I started this blog. Many of you have expressed concern for me and my mental health since the divorce. Please understand that I am fine. This is a whole new experience for me, yes I have done the marriage and divorce 3 times now so you would think I was an expert. But, I am far from it. With the last marriage and divorce I put myself into a totally different world than I was use to. With this has come a lot of new opportunities as well as new lessons in life.

In the past, I just wanted to get the bad parts over and done with and move on. This time around was different; for starters I totally and completely loved #3 and that was not an easy thing to move on from. I know we had our hard times and at the end it was a horrible situation but my heart was still in love with him deeply and was not understanding what my brain was doing. Also at 40 years old it was time to stop and figure out what I was doing wrong so that I would not repeat this again. Anytime, I have started to repeat the pattern my guides step in with a resounding "HELL NO". So it has been a very long and stressful process. But, I am a much smarter person than I was a year ago.

One of the things this blog has done for me was that it allowed me to stop being ashamed of my mistakes. It allowed me the chance to share these mistakes and lessons with the most important people in my life; my family and friends and a few people I don't know who read the blog as well. I feel that by sharing my experiences (no matter how embarrassing they are) it allows me to see them from different perspectives and thus allows me to understand my thought process a little better.

I have always been a writer; since I was old enough to hold a pencil. I use to write things I could not say to other people just so I could get it out of my system. I use to keep diaries until I was burned by one as a teenager, but when I became a pagan I found out about the BOS or Book of Shadows, it is basically a spiritual diary. It contains all my thoughts, spells, recipes, astrological readings, tarot readings and poems and anything else that I write about. It is so much more than a teenagers diary about love and friends a BOS is about what you are experiencing, how you are dealing with it and how you get what you need and want from the universe. Once my marriage broke up I could not write in it anymore. I was so confused, I thought I had lost the ability to write and this was devastating. But then the guides lead me to the blog and told me it was time to share my experiences and problems with my family and friends. The time of hiding my feelings, problems, traumas, and difficulties was over. It was time to share everything about myself with those around me. This was how I was going to heal.

So when I do this I am blunt and honest. It is the only way I know how to do it. Sometimes people will get very nervous or frightened for me. They fear that I am going to do something. But, please remember that by the time I have wrote a post about an emotion or problem it has already past by and I have had to write the blog in my head before I put it on the computer. Writing about my cynical outlook on love is just my way of facing what I really feel about it at this moment. I am sure one day (at least according to several psychics) I will fall in love again. And when that happens you will all be part of that as well. It will probably be a sickening thing full of love words and flowers and smiley faces and all that goo. But, it will another thing to blog about.

I am in now way planning on giving up on life or love, I just need to stop looking for it and try to understand what I am feeling now that love is not apart of my daily life. This is the longest time in 40 years that I have gone with out a man in my life. I have my good days and I have my lonely days. At least I am better at watching romantic movies on TV now. But, I am far from wanting to get involved with a man at this point. I have to much work to do on myself before I can start to worry about another man and his needs.

So once again, thank you all for your continued support and unending love that you have showed me. Please continue to read the blog and give me your opinions on it. And I promise if I plan to do anything drastic I will defiantly blog about it first.

Where Am I At?

I had a therapy session this past week. I went in and told her all about what was going on in my life, the craziness of the animals, the two jobs, the family...you know the usual. She asked how my relationship with #3 was going so I filled her in on that topic. That we hate one another and we do not talk we fight. I told her I had not talked to him in about 3 weeks, every since I turned Jesus on him. It was the only way I could think of to get him to stop harassing me. I may not be a Christian but I can talk like one. I like to say "I can talk the talk; I just don't walk the walk."

I told her that I felt like I was progressing, but then not progressing. She told me that she would like me to write about where I think I am in the relationship part of my life. What have I learned from this whole separation and divorce. I am saddened to say I don't think she will be pleased because instead of become a more enlightened person about relationships I became a more cynical person.

You see when #3 and I got together I was just coming off of 10 years of abuse from #2, not physical abuse but emotional and mental abuse. I was like a scared rabbit, I trusted no one and I would not allow myself to depend on anyone. It was so bad that if I got in a car accident and they asked me who to call I would say no one. Because I did not want to bother anyone with my problems and I did not want to have to depend on anyone for help. It was a bad situation. But, then #3 came along and lured me out of the rabbit hole. He spent several years getting me to lower my self defense wall and teaching me to learn to depend on someone else to help me. Then all of the trust and dependablity that I developed was destroyed and thrown back in my face.

So I find myself today a year later not trusting anyone (other than Phyllis and a few close friends) with anything. If I can't do it myself or hire someone it will not get done. When I go out with a guy as soon as he starts to compliment me I start doubting his sincerity, I start wondering what he is leading up to, what does he want. Why would he possibly be complimenting me, there has to be a catch. It is truly a disaster. Here is what I have learned about this whole process my initial instincts are always correct and trusting someone other than myself does not turn out good for me. I learned that my self esteem is a rock bottom, but to counter that I started going back to toastmasters. I learned that whenever anyone sits next to me, whether it is to work on a project together or just talk, I instantly pull away and move as far away from them as I can without causing a scene. I learned that I will probably live the rest of my life behind a emotional brick wall that is now bullet proof, bomb proof and defiantly man proof. And this is the only way I know how to live without getting hurt.

I am hoping that in time I will be comfortable again in the presence of other people and I will be able to have men compliment me without me wanting to send the National Guard after them. These are my hopes for the future.

Now I am thinking I need a new piece of jewelry something shiny and pretty.

I Broke a Cardinal Rule

First off, my daddy always told me you never give back jewelry and small appliances when a relationship ends. You hold onto them in hopes of selling them one day for cash. But, I mailed all the jewelry and jewelry box #3 gave me to his mother a few weeks ago. This included my wedding ring. It did take some getting over a few issues to part with these things. I am known for attaching emotions and sentiment to things. It is because I am ruled by the Moon which rules your emotions. So basically I am a freaking emotional person. But when I looked these items I saw a lie. The wedding ring was given to me as a symbol of love and a commitment. I know now that he had no plans on holding up those vows, he was full of doubts and already knew there were things he did not like about me and our relationship. He just thought he could learn to live with it. Like we were a couple of Amish kids getting married and we never met one another before the day of the wedding. They are expected to grow to love one another. As much as I respect the Amish and their way of life, and yes I tell Phyllis about once a month I wish I was Amish, I am not and I do not plan on becoming Amish. Okay, I digress.

Another reason for getting rid of the jewelry is that in my world we believe that when a person gives you an object that is a natural gemstone, ie: diamonds, peridot, garnets, etc. they will have a permenant link to you through those gems. If they know how they can focus on those gems and access your energy field. So when the relationship is over you either give them back or bury and return them to Mother Earth. So I returned them in a round about way.

Personally I think this was a huge step forward for me. Little by little every material possession I have that links me to a past relationship is being released from my life. Unfortunately that also means that I am seriously lacking in the jewelry department now and I have to replenish my stock. Of course I know have to get a jewelry box to hold it all since that is gone as well. Well this is something to look forward to isn't it.

Ghost Story Confusion

I worked this weekend at the funeral home and last weekend and the coming weekend. I am seriously considering putting a cot in one of the family rooms and just moving in. But, it would be way to quiet for me. In my off time there I watch videos, it is the only way I get to watch any movies since I am never home. So I was working my way through the first two seasons of Ghost Whisperer but I got tired of the irregular stories and how weird they were. I know they have two acclaimed ghost/spirit/mediums working on the stories but I got tired of the demon ghost turns good ghost plot so I stopped watching them. But, I still love my ghost stories so I found a movie that I saw back in 1980 when it came out and it scared the crap out of me then. Of course I was 12 years old and knew nothing about ghosts. Anyway, I wanted to watch it again as an adult who has spent 75% of my day the last 20 or so years working with ghosts and spirits. I was really curious if it would scare me or if I would laugh my ass off through it.

The movie is called The Changeling with George C. Scott. (IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE DON'T READ THE REST) Apparently he is not known for this movie but for some other movie called Patton but this is all I know him for. The movie is based on a true story (supposedly) that happened in Colorado. So his character is a composer who loses his wife and child in a freak accident, he sells their New York apartment and he moves to Seattle. Of course through a friend he gets a HUGE mansion from the Historical Society to rent and guess what? It is haunted. It takes him awhile to decide that the place is haunted and he has some weird mental lapse and is shown how the ghost died. It turns out the ghost is a child named Joseph, his father killed hm because he was crippled and went to Europe adopted another kid and passed him off as his. The new kid did not know but the dead one did. Needless to say he was pissed. So Joseph is now making George C. Scott's life a living hell in order for him to find his body and bring justice to those who know about his death. It goes on and on and it does not end on a Disney note, the whole story is let out, the new Joseph dies, the dead Joseph apparently stays in the house. I was sad to find out the house the filmed the movie in was a real house and it was accidentally destroyed by the fire in the movie. Sad, Sad, Sad.

I am happy to say that the movie did not scare me, I did have to get over the cheesy Hollywood music. It is enough to drive you insane. What I did find out was that I am sitting there watching this movie wondering "What the hell?" As someone who has worked and lived with ghosts I was baffled and confused. Why was this ghost getting away with this? Why was this guy not stopping him from making his life a living hell?

Just because he is dead does not mean he has the right to terrorize someone who is living in his old house. I understood that the spirit was angry because he was killed by his father and replaced by someone else and his body was dumped in an old well. Okay, that would probably upset me too. But it was so Hollywood and wrong and I had to remind myself that it was a movie not a situation and it was done in 1980 way before we started trying to understand ghosts and how to live with them.

So if you are looking for some good "fun" ghost movies here are my picks.

1. The Changeling - 1980
2. The Haunting - 1999 (May take watching it several times to get the story but it's good)
3. Ghost Ship - 2002 (Best death scene ever)
4. What Lies Beneath - 2000 (Great Ghost Revenge)
5. The Sixth Sense - 1999 (Love the ending)
6. The Others - 2001 (Just Great)

And no you will not find Ghost with Patrick Swayze on it because that movie was just stupid. I did enjoy the evil ghosts that took the bad people away. Other than that it was just stupid.

How Do You Relax?

I know once again I have slacked on blogging. I am attempting to learn a new technique called relaxing. It is something I seem to have trouble getting the hang of, but I am determined to learn it. The first few encounters of "nothing to do" were odd to say the least. I was not sure how to respond. I sort of roamed my house and wandered here and there and just felt lost, it was at Phyllis suggestion of learning to relax that I decided to give it a go. So when I found that I had some free time I just sat on my couch and stared off into space, it was not very relaxing, in fact it was completely the opposite. I sat there and thought of all the things I should be doing instead. So after that when I found some free time, I would sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and work on one of the many projects I have going on. Since it is August we are in full swing of preparing gifts for Yule so I am always creating something. Lucky for me this past week was Shark Week so I was very entertained in my down time.

While in the throws of relaxing I decided to take on a new endeavor. I am so happy with my new furry friends that I created

Haven for Hamsters

(http://sites.google.com/site/havenforhamsters/). It is a rescue group for hamsters that need new homes due to their families moving or families just no longer wanting the responsibility of taking care of them any longer. So far I have had several inquiries on adopting hamsters from us and a few who would like me to take their hamsters. It has turned into quite an ordeal but so far I am enjoying it. Of course, Lance and Franklin and not going anywhere they are the mascots not adoptable candidates.

Now to all my readers out there if you see or hear of a hamster that needs rescuing or you are out at a garage sale, yard sale or goodwill and see a cage, aquarium or toys please pick them up for me. I want to be able to take in all that need help but until I get enough supplies I am limited. I do ask that the people surrendering their animal supply an appropriate cage for it but like a call I got yesterday to take 3 baby hamsters they were not expecting when they bought their hamster I did not require it. So I am off to get a cage from someone that listed on on craigslist.

Wish me luck on this endeavor I think it will be lots of fun and a great learning experience for the road to relaxation.