I want to start this blog by stating that I in no way am using this outlet as a way to seek revenge on any of my ex's. I am past the revenge part of all the breakups. This blog is also not meant to show them in a bad light or in any way make people think less of them.
With that said there is something that people have to remember about breakups and life in general. There are so many sides to every story that there is never a complete picture. In my breakup with #3 there is my version, his version and everyone else's version. I can only talk about my version, since I do not have the super powers to know what everyone else is thinking. When I relate a story or event it is based on my opinion and perception ONLY. I am in no way saying this is the only way it happened.
But, one thing guys have to keep in mind about women is that when we get hurt or angry we talk about it to everyone. Guys I don't think do this, I think they keep everything to themselves and let it fester. But women, hell no, we are going to tell anyone and everyone who will listen what happened. And just to clear the record for the men out there. Us women we talk about EVERTHING. If you want to know what we spend hours talking to our girlfriends about just stop and think. If it comes to mind then we talk about it, there is nothing that is taboo among women.
When I heard that there were hard feelings about my blog among some of the ex's I almost felt bad. But, then I realized I have not said anything that was not true. He may not agree with the way it happened because he has his version of the story, but that is not important to me anymore. The only thing that means anything to me is how I feel about it and how it made me feel when it happened. I in no way want to make him look bad to anyone, but I have the right to try and make myself happy. Just like he had to right to destroy anything in his path to try and find his own happiness.
I have a hard time believing that he stopped for one second and asked himself "Is this the best way to go about it" because he does not do that. He jumps in and says things that are vile and mean and hurtful. Then he tells you "I did not mean it that way" and you are suppose to let it go. Sorry, it does not work that way. Once you have said the words or written the words you can not take them back and you can not tell someone how you want them to feel about it. It is much like an arsonist. They go and light a fire for the fun of it and when it gets out of control and becomes a huge forest fire, they look so innocent at the police and say "I did not mean for that to happen" well tell that to the people who lost their houses in your forest fire. I am sure they will laugh about it and forgive you on the spot.
Anyway, if anyone thinks this is too harsh on the ex's let me know or stop reading it. Because to be honest this is what I do instead of casting hex's on them. And trust me when I say I know some good ones to use.
Posted by
Cynthia
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The year is 2007 almost 2008 and I still don't know the answer to this question. Anyone I know over the age of 40 says "No, you need to wait for the guy to ask you." Anyone I know under 40 says, "Sure, why not. If you wait for them you could be waiting a long time."
When I was a teen and dating there was never a question of who asked; you just always went out on the same day every week. But there was always that uncomfortable nervousness whenever there was a school dance and you had to wait for them to get up the nerve to ask you out.
But in today's world women want everything to be equal. Some want to be the dominate one in the relationship and other want to be submissive. I don't really want either, I want an equal relationship without a title. But that is not an answer to the big question.
I spent some time thinking about why it is so hard for us to ask someone out on a date. And the only answer I could find was that we are afraid of rejection. But, if someone says no to a date is that really rejection. You don't' know them but you are feeling that they rejected you when they said no. And what about when you go out and find out you don 't like them. Are you now guilt bound to continue seeing them because you were the one to ask them out?
This is a huge quandary for me. I am a pretty assertive person, I am by no means a shy person. But, I was raised in the south and they have very distinctive rules about what boys do and what girls do. And when I was growing up if I girl asked a boy out she was considered trashy for being forward. Of course this is the same part of the country that high fives their boys for having sex at 15 and puts the girls in a convent when they do. So you can't really go by what the south considers proper.
When I signed up for several of the online dating sites, I had no problems looking through the profiles and seeing what was available. It was like the Christmas catalog for dating. If I thought they were interesting I sent them an email. However, I did not know that in order for you to respond to their inquires you had to pay for it. And I am cheap so I did not pay for any of the online sites. But no matter I did get a few responses that were positive and they were open about what they wanted and then I realized they were a freak and stopped talking to them.
Well I did ask a guy out. Last week I asked this guy that I know and have gone out with before if he would like to spend my one day off in forever with me. And he agreed wholeheartedly, so we planned the day out and I even allowed him to opportunity to pick me up at my house. This never happens because I do not like people in my house until I know them really well and can trust them. Unfortunately he had a sudden death in the family and had to cancel our plans.
My first thought after I did this was "Oh My God! I am such a slut." I called my friend, Eddie and told him that I was a slut, skank and whore. He immediately wanted to know who I slept with. I told him "No one, I just asked a guy out on a date." Okay, he had to stop laughing at me before he could tell me that I was not a slut for asking a guy out on a date. That it is perfectly fine for a woman to ask a guy out in today's world. It did take me some time to get over the fact that I actually asked someone out and now as I am writing this I can't believe that I was so freaked by it. It was nothing big or scary and if he said no then I would have called one of my girlfriends and done something else.
So I guess I did answer my question and I did end the quandary. Yes, you can ask a guy out on a date and still be a happy woman for it. Now if we can figure out who is suppose to pay the world will truly be a happier place.
When I was a teen and dating there was never a question of who asked; you just always went out on the same day every week. But there was always that uncomfortable nervousness whenever there was a school dance and you had to wait for them to get up the nerve to ask you out.
But in today's world women want everything to be equal. Some want to be the dominate one in the relationship and other want to be submissive. I don't really want either, I want an equal relationship without a title. But that is not an answer to the big question.
I spent some time thinking about why it is so hard for us to ask someone out on a date. And the only answer I could find was that we are afraid of rejection. But, if someone says no to a date is that really rejection. You don't' know them but you are feeling that they rejected you when they said no. And what about when you go out and find out you don 't like them. Are you now guilt bound to continue seeing them because you were the one to ask them out?
This is a huge quandary for me. I am a pretty assertive person, I am by no means a shy person. But, I was raised in the south and they have very distinctive rules about what boys do and what girls do. And when I was growing up if I girl asked a boy out she was considered trashy for being forward. Of course this is the same part of the country that high fives their boys for having sex at 15 and puts the girls in a convent when they do. So you can't really go by what the south considers proper.
When I signed up for several of the online dating sites, I had no problems looking through the profiles and seeing what was available. It was like the Christmas catalog for dating. If I thought they were interesting I sent them an email. However, I did not know that in order for you to respond to their inquires you had to pay for it. And I am cheap so I did not pay for any of the online sites. But no matter I did get a few responses that were positive and they were open about what they wanted and then I realized they were a freak and stopped talking to them.
Well I did ask a guy out. Last week I asked this guy that I know and have gone out with before if he would like to spend my one day off in forever with me. And he agreed wholeheartedly, so we planned the day out and I even allowed him to opportunity to pick me up at my house. This never happens because I do not like people in my house until I know them really well and can trust them. Unfortunately he had a sudden death in the family and had to cancel our plans.
My first thought after I did this was "Oh My God! I am such a slut." I called my friend, Eddie and told him that I was a slut, skank and whore. He immediately wanted to know who I slept with. I told him "No one, I just asked a guy out on a date." Okay, he had to stop laughing at me before he could tell me that I was not a slut for asking a guy out on a date. That it is perfectly fine for a woman to ask a guy out in today's world. It did take me some time to get over the fact that I actually asked someone out and now as I am writing this I can't believe that I was so freaked by it. It was nothing big or scary and if he said no then I would have called one of my girlfriends and done something else.
So I guess I did answer my question and I did end the quandary. Yes, you can ask a guy out on a date and still be a happy woman for it. Now if we can figure out who is suppose to pay the world will truly be a happier place.
Posted by
Cynthia
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thanksgiving is in one week. This is the first Thanksgiving in my 40 years of life that I will be alone. How am I feeling about this? Like Crap that’s how.
I remember Thanksgiving growing up. My mom always made dinner and the whole family came over in the afternoon. The morning was spent watching the Macy’s Day Parade. When I left Houston the first Thanksgiving was hard without my family and since I really don’t cook dinner was not that wonderful. But, I had Joshua and #3 and I did okay. After that Joshua was gone and it was just us two. This year the last thing I want to do is celebrate with anyone else. I have been invited to friends houses and co workers have invited me over. But no matter what I always feel like they are doing it out of pity. They have it in there minds that I am going to be sitting alone on Thanksgiving with a Stouffer’s TV dinner in front of me while I watch some sad lame holiday themed show. And in all honesty that is what I really planned on doing but then I decided that my friend Phyllis and I are going to celebrate the holiday together. Neither of us cook so this should be very interesting. So what does one do to get through Thanksgiving the biggest family day of the year when you are alone? Well in my quest for all things survival I went online to see what the experts offered as advice on surviving the holidays without a spouse.
One site called singleagain.com has several suggestions on how to handle the holidays.
1. Don’t make plans out of a sense of obligation. This is a big one for me. I have the need to try and make those around me happy. So I will agree to do something then spend everyday until the event dreading it. This was the first year I said no to our company dinner and had no problems when they tried to talk me into going. It is not something I have ever really enjoyed but never had the nerve to say no until now. The idea of spending the evening with my co workers and their significant others just sounded like torture.
2. Avoid unrealistic expectations from others, from yourself and from the holiday themselves. Well this is hard to do because every year I expect the holidays to be perfect, and every year when they aren’t I get disappointed. I am not sure what unrealistic expectations I would expect from others, but I guess I don’t need to expect a diamond necklace or earrings for #3 cause I don’t think that will be under the tree this year. In fact I think the only thing under the tree this year will be the floor since I don’t plan on putting one up.
3. Make sure you give thanks for the blessings you do have in your life. Okay, this requires me to let go of my “self inflicted misery” and think of what I am thankful for. I have my great son, Joshua, I have my two companions Tau & Kali, I have my great friends, I have Phyllis who is always willing to drop whatever she is doing to entertain me when I am bored, I have my family, I have a job, a roof over my head, lights, heat, air and a running car. So I guess I am doing all right.
4. Look for ways to give or do for others. Every year I spend a significant amount of time doing charity work and giving gifts to those less fortunate. This will be the first year in my adult life that I can not actually afford to buy gifts for the under priviledge and this makes me feel very guilty. But, I am going to have to live with it and when things turn around I will be able to donate then. Until then I will just try and find other ways of volunteering through the holidays to remind myself that I am not so bad off.
Okay, so these are some things I am going to work on between now and the end of the year. I have volunteered to work on Christmas and New Years Eve that will help with some of the problems. But, as you have already figured out with this blog as I find the problems and attempt to solve the problems I will write about them. Unti then Gobble Gobble.
I remember Thanksgiving growing up. My mom always made dinner and the whole family came over in the afternoon. The morning was spent watching the Macy’s Day Parade. When I left Houston the first Thanksgiving was hard without my family and since I really don’t cook dinner was not that wonderful. But, I had Joshua and #3 and I did okay. After that Joshua was gone and it was just us two. This year the last thing I want to do is celebrate with anyone else. I have been invited to friends houses and co workers have invited me over. But no matter what I always feel like they are doing it out of pity. They have it in there minds that I am going to be sitting alone on Thanksgiving with a Stouffer’s TV dinner in front of me while I watch some sad lame holiday themed show. And in all honesty that is what I really planned on doing but then I decided that my friend Phyllis and I are going to celebrate the holiday together. Neither of us cook so this should be very interesting. So what does one do to get through Thanksgiving the biggest family day of the year when you are alone? Well in my quest for all things survival I went online to see what the experts offered as advice on surviving the holidays without a spouse.
One site called singleagain.com has several suggestions on how to handle the holidays.
1. Don’t make plans out of a sense of obligation. This is a big one for me. I have the need to try and make those around me happy. So I will agree to do something then spend everyday until the event dreading it. This was the first year I said no to our company dinner and had no problems when they tried to talk me into going. It is not something I have ever really enjoyed but never had the nerve to say no until now. The idea of spending the evening with my co workers and their significant others just sounded like torture.
2. Avoid unrealistic expectations from others, from yourself and from the holiday themselves. Well this is hard to do because every year I expect the holidays to be perfect, and every year when they aren’t I get disappointed. I am not sure what unrealistic expectations I would expect from others, but I guess I don’t need to expect a diamond necklace or earrings for #3 cause I don’t think that will be under the tree this year. In fact I think the only thing under the tree this year will be the floor since I don’t plan on putting one up.
3. Make sure you give thanks for the blessings you do have in your life. Okay, this requires me to let go of my “self inflicted misery” and think of what I am thankful for. I have my great son, Joshua, I have my two companions Tau & Kali, I have my great friends, I have Phyllis who is always willing to drop whatever she is doing to entertain me when I am bored, I have my family, I have a job, a roof over my head, lights, heat, air and a running car. So I guess I am doing all right.
4. Look for ways to give or do for others. Every year I spend a significant amount of time doing charity work and giving gifts to those less fortunate. This will be the first year in my adult life that I can not actually afford to buy gifts for the under priviledge and this makes me feel very guilty. But, I am going to have to live with it and when things turn around I will be able to donate then. Until then I will just try and find other ways of volunteering through the holidays to remind myself that I am not so bad off.
Okay, so these are some things I am going to work on between now and the end of the year. I have volunteered to work on Christmas and New Years Eve that will help with some of the problems. But, as you have already figured out with this blog as I find the problems and attempt to solve the problems I will write about them. Unti then Gobble Gobble.
Posted by
Cynthia
Everyone knows that I went home last week. I put my kids; Tau & Kali in the car and hit the road. Tau promptly spent the first 100 miles crying and whining and acting like I was going to take him in the woods and chop his head off. Because, you know I have done that so many time. Kali on the other hand dug herself so far under her pillows and blankets I lost her for a while. I do have to say she has more reason to hide than Tau does.
On a past trip to Texas back in March, Josh, Nathan (Josh's roommate) and I were driving East on I40 and hit ice, I had a split second to decide between hitting an 18 wheeler, Ford Explorer or go off road. Well since I am still here we know I chose to go off road. After several seconds of flying in the ice and snow we hit a fence. When all the chaos settled down and we came to a stop, Kali who was in the front seat was now in the back seat. Depending on who tells it she either flew back there or jumped. Either way she is not a fan of riding in the car anymore.
So we left Albuquerque on Halloween, I know everyone I knew was shocked. Me travel on Halloween and not spend it ghost hunting and terrorizing children. But I wanted to get out of town. I was convinced this was my Road Home. I was going to drive my sorrow and pain away. I was sadly mistaken. As I drove I was hit with all the memories #3 and I had along the way.
Remember a few posts ago when I said we did not have many memories in Houston? We don't but we do have them all along I-10. I have never had such a difficult drive in my life. First off this was my first trip home since the "Break-Up". And even though the family knows about it I still felt like I was going home a failure.
As I drove East on I-10 I past Sonora Texas, a little nothing town about 100 miles East of San Antonio. We first met there in January 2000 for our first rendezvous. It was a great long weekend of getting to know each other and talking about everything we wanted in life. Of course when I got back to Houston and back to work I had an email from him. The excitement was wonderful. I remember my heart beating faster and faster until I could read it in private. I was sure it was telling me about how great he thought the weekend was and how much he loved me and could not wait to see me again. Then I opened the email and it was not an email full of love words and gushy comments. It was an email telling me how much he hated my weight and did not know if he could have a relationship with someone who was overweight. Yeah, love was in the air. He proceeded to tell me that he thought my weight was my way of protecting myself from a past relationship. YOU THINK. Well that thought was just wonderful, lots of fond memories of Sonora.
On down the road there was the convenience store we stopped at, the Sonic we ate at. Yes, guys we women remember everything. Keep that in mind, like elephants we never forget ANYTHING.
I was going to drive to San Antonio and spend the night. Until I remembered that is where he proposed to me. In a wonderful weekend in April 2000, we spent 3 days there being tourist and then in a wonderfully romantic moment (no I am not going to elaborate) he asked me to marry him. Apparently I said yes since I am now going through this hell. The more I thought about San Antonio the sadder I got. The miles flew by and I grew more and more depressed. I decided that I could not stay there, in fact, I am not sure I can even go to that city. So I stayed in one town we never visited together Kerrville, Texas.
I got up on Thursday and finished my drive to Houston. I got to my parents house and my mom was sitting in the front yard on the swing with my new niece Danae and my nephews Joe & Devin where playing. It was so good to be home, but my misery did not go away. It was still there. When I saw my daddy he looked at me and said "Are you okay" and I almost lost it. Not falling apart in front of him was almost more than I could take.
I was able to keep busy most of the time. I went to the funeral school and signed up. I pre planned my funeral arrangements while there (of course my daddy told me I would burn in hell if I was cremated. Long story and actually funny too but that is another post).
On Sunday we had a family get together my Aunt Angie was there she is 84 and has a touch of dementia. So she was sort of party entertainment. She was convinced that one of those kids there was mine. No matter how many times I told her I was 40 years old and too old for babies she was convinced I take one home. Anyway, she looked at me and asked me "Where is your husband?" She could not remember where she put her purse (behind the sofa) or that the baby was not mine but she could remember that I had a husband. Damn her in her non-dementia moment. The hardest thing I ever did was look at her and tell her "He left me to find happiness somewhere else." I never said that before, I said he was looking for enlightenment or he was just going through a mid life crisis. But in all reality he left me because I did not make him happy. Of course being 84 and Italian she looked at me and said "Idiot, forget him and find someone else." Then she added "And not one who is 15 years older than you. Find someone your own age." Again, she can't remember where she is but she remembers how much older he is than me. Words of wisdom from Aunt Angie god I love that woman.
So my trip ended on a good note. I felt better about leaving and coming home, I was able to admit some serious problems I was not dealing with and I am now trying to doing that. I am sure as I work on them I will write about them. So stay tuned, if nothing I am very sure Aunt Angie will have more words of wisdom for me.
On a past trip to Texas back in March, Josh, Nathan (Josh's roommate) and I were driving East on I40 and hit ice, I had a split second to decide between hitting an 18 wheeler, Ford Explorer or go off road. Well since I am still here we know I chose to go off road. After several seconds of flying in the ice and snow we hit a fence. When all the chaos settled down and we came to a stop, Kali who was in the front seat was now in the back seat. Depending on who tells it she either flew back there or jumped. Either way she is not a fan of riding in the car anymore.
So we left Albuquerque on Halloween, I know everyone I knew was shocked. Me travel on Halloween and not spend it ghost hunting and terrorizing children. But I wanted to get out of town. I was convinced this was my Road Home. I was going to drive my sorrow and pain away. I was sadly mistaken. As I drove I was hit with all the memories #3 and I had along the way.
Remember a few posts ago when I said we did not have many memories in Houston? We don't but we do have them all along I-10. I have never had such a difficult drive in my life. First off this was my first trip home since the "Break-Up". And even though the family knows about it I still felt like I was going home a failure.
As I drove East on I-10 I past Sonora Texas, a little nothing town about 100 miles East of San Antonio. We first met there in January 2000 for our first rendezvous. It was a great long weekend of getting to know each other and talking about everything we wanted in life. Of course when I got back to Houston and back to work I had an email from him. The excitement was wonderful. I remember my heart beating faster and faster until I could read it in private. I was sure it was telling me about how great he thought the weekend was and how much he loved me and could not wait to see me again. Then I opened the email and it was not an email full of love words and gushy comments. It was an email telling me how much he hated my weight and did not know if he could have a relationship with someone who was overweight. Yeah, love was in the air. He proceeded to tell me that he thought my weight was my way of protecting myself from a past relationship. YOU THINK. Well that thought was just wonderful, lots of fond memories of Sonora.
On down the road there was the convenience store we stopped at, the Sonic we ate at. Yes, guys we women remember everything. Keep that in mind, like elephants we never forget ANYTHING.
I was going to drive to San Antonio and spend the night. Until I remembered that is where he proposed to me. In a wonderful weekend in April 2000, we spent 3 days there being tourist and then in a wonderfully romantic moment (no I am not going to elaborate) he asked me to marry him. Apparently I said yes since I am now going through this hell. The more I thought about San Antonio the sadder I got. The miles flew by and I grew more and more depressed. I decided that I could not stay there, in fact, I am not sure I can even go to that city. So I stayed in one town we never visited together Kerrville, Texas.
I got up on Thursday and finished my drive to Houston. I got to my parents house and my mom was sitting in the front yard on the swing with my new niece Danae and my nephews Joe & Devin where playing. It was so good to be home, but my misery did not go away. It was still there. When I saw my daddy he looked at me and said "Are you okay" and I almost lost it. Not falling apart in front of him was almost more than I could take.
I was able to keep busy most of the time. I went to the funeral school and signed up. I pre planned my funeral arrangements while there (of course my daddy told me I would burn in hell if I was cremated. Long story and actually funny too but that is another post).
On Sunday we had a family get together my Aunt Angie was there she is 84 and has a touch of dementia. So she was sort of party entertainment. She was convinced that one of those kids there was mine. No matter how many times I told her I was 40 years old and too old for babies she was convinced I take one home. Anyway, she looked at me and asked me "Where is your husband?" She could not remember where she put her purse (behind the sofa) or that the baby was not mine but she could remember that I had a husband. Damn her in her non-dementia moment. The hardest thing I ever did was look at her and tell her "He left me to find happiness somewhere else." I never said that before, I said he was looking for enlightenment or he was just going through a mid life crisis. But in all reality he left me because I did not make him happy. Of course being 84 and Italian she looked at me and said "Idiot, forget him and find someone else." Then she added "And not one who is 15 years older than you. Find someone your own age." Again, she can't remember where she is but she remembers how much older he is than me. Words of wisdom from Aunt Angie god I love that woman.
So my trip ended on a good note. I felt better about leaving and coming home, I was able to admit some serious problems I was not dealing with and I am now trying to doing that. I am sure as I work on them I will write about them. So stay tuned, if nothing I am very sure Aunt Angie will have more words of wisdom for me.
Posted by
Cynthia
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Every since I was a teen I have loved to read romance novels. Yes, I admit it...here and now. I Cindy Cribbs love to read the romance novels. And I'm not ashamed...anymore.
Romance novels are the biggest selling books in America they bring in $1.4 BILLION dollars a year. Who buys romance novels? WOMEN and maybe a few gay guys. But, one thing about romance novels is they are fun to read.
In all my years of reading them I never thought they would backfire on me and cause trouble. #3 thought that by reading romance novels I would learn how to be erotic. Obviously he never read one nor understood them. I was really apauled that that is what he thought I was reading them for. But, it also made me think about why I read them. When I am not in a relationship I don't read them. In fact I don't want to read them.
Why is this? My theory is that when I am not in a relationship I am not looking for romance. But, when you have a "leading man" in your life you expect a certain something from them. I expect a certain level of romance from my guy. I want to be told how beautiful I am and I want them to hold me in their arms and never let go. Unfortunately, the guys don't know this.
Most men think romance novels are trashy and just fluff. Yeah, like The Lord of the Rings triology was Shakespear. Either way they don't understand that as women we rely on certain things to get us through the day and night. We need a certain level of attention, compassion and thought in order for us to know they are still interested.
How many of you have thought "I can't remember the last time my man said I Love You" and we are not talking about during sex. Anything said during sex does not count as real comments. Seriously ladies how may times have you said "Oh yes I had the best orgasm" and you were really planning your shopping list? So nothing during sex counts EVER.
On the other hand how many of us have told our man this is what I want and here is how you do it? None of us, because we expect them to know. The more I thought about this the funnier it got. I was expecting someone to know what I wanted to hear. This is the same person who is convinced if I said No I really meant Yes. How was he suppose to know that I wanted romance and hot sex. Okay, sometimes just the hot sex and the romance later. But, since I apparently did not voice this well I am not getting either.
So as I step onto my soap box (and you know I love my soap box) I am going to tell you ladies to do something, explain to that lug next to you what you want. For the love of George don't leave it up to him to guess because he is not going to figure it out in a million trillion years. And you will be very lonely while he is trying to figure it out, because they are reading The Lord of the Rings and there is not much in there that we want to hear.
Romance novels are the biggest selling books in America they bring in $1.4 BILLION dollars a year. Who buys romance novels? WOMEN and maybe a few gay guys. But, one thing about romance novels is they are fun to read.
In all my years of reading them I never thought they would backfire on me and cause trouble. #3 thought that by reading romance novels I would learn how to be erotic. Obviously he never read one nor understood them. I was really apauled that that is what he thought I was reading them for. But, it also made me think about why I read them. When I am not in a relationship I don't read them. In fact I don't want to read them.
Why is this? My theory is that when I am not in a relationship I am not looking for romance. But, when you have a "leading man" in your life you expect a certain something from them. I expect a certain level of romance from my guy. I want to be told how beautiful I am and I want them to hold me in their arms and never let go. Unfortunately, the guys don't know this.
Most men think romance novels are trashy and just fluff. Yeah, like The Lord of the Rings triology was Shakespear. Either way they don't understand that as women we rely on certain things to get us through the day and night. We need a certain level of attention, compassion and thought in order for us to know they are still interested.
How many of you have thought "I can't remember the last time my man said I Love You" and we are not talking about during sex. Anything said during sex does not count as real comments. Seriously ladies how may times have you said "Oh yes I had the best orgasm" and you were really planning your shopping list? So nothing during sex counts EVER.
On the other hand how many of us have told our man this is what I want and here is how you do it? None of us, because we expect them to know. The more I thought about this the funnier it got. I was expecting someone to know what I wanted to hear. This is the same person who is convinced if I said No I really meant Yes. How was he suppose to know that I wanted romance and hot sex. Okay, sometimes just the hot sex and the romance later. But, since I apparently did not voice this well I am not getting either.
So as I step onto my soap box (and you know I love my soap box) I am going to tell you ladies to do something, explain to that lug next to you what you want. For the love of George don't leave it up to him to guess because he is not going to figure it out in a million trillion years. And you will be very lonely while he is trying to figure it out, because they are reading The Lord of the Rings and there is not much in there that we want to hear.
Posted by
Cynthia
Today is Monday and it is a true Monday. I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was crawl back under the covers and go to sleep. However, Tau & Kali have gotten use to spending the first 10 minutes of their day making sure no-one invaded their backyard while they slept. So if I am not up and out of bed a second after the alarm goes off, they will literally stand on me until I get up. They are my furry, warm alarm clocks.
Yesterday was a tough day. I think it is because I am tired 2 months of non stop working has started to take its toll. And when I get tired, I get mean. This can be fun for some and not so much fun for others. Yesterday, was all about bashing the ex day, in my head of course. Because it does not boad well to tell grieving families your stories of a break up. Believe me when I tell you they don't care.
But, what got me intrigued about my day of bashing is that a short 5 months ago I was telling myself that I was going to handle my separation like an adult. I was a grown woman and this was nothing new to me. I was going to come out of this with my ex as a friend. Hold on.....I even laugh when I type it. MY EX AS A FRIEND. What the hell was I smoking. Honestly, a friend. My mom has a great saying "With friends like that who needs enemies." I never knew what that comment meant until now.
Way back at the end of May when we "called it a day" I had so much trust that I could do this gracefully and tactfully. I was going to be nice, I was going to be cordial and above all I was not going to end up hating my ex. I don't like hating people. Hate much like jealousy is a one sided emotion. The ex's do not care if you hate them or if you are jealous. They are not in the picture anymore so big freaking deal. Hate and jealousy are a one woman kind of emotion. So really it is a waste of time. Well try telling that to my PMS'ing, hormonal, emotions. Right now they are loving the hating aspect of a relationship.
I think back to 5 short months ago and I remember thinking in a few weeks he will change his mind and want to get back together, then it was a few months, then it was a few years he will find what he is looking for and want to get back together. I am ashamed to say that these thoughts got me through many a rough day and night. Until now.
What the hell was I thinking, worse yet, what the hell was I telling myself this bullshit fairy tale for. This is a person who in no uncertain terms told me that he has never really liked me, he just assumed he could grow to like me, he has always had issues with my weight, but he thought he could grow to be okay with it. This is a person who had no regard for my feelings at all, he had no regard for my life, nor my happiness. His only regard was for what he wanted and what he could get out of it. To him the most important thing on his plate was getting the hell away from me so he could find enlightenment or whatever ya-ya 70's bs he is looking for. Basically, a commitment and a promise he made to me 7 years ago meant nothing and was worthless, because he is an honest person he had to be honest to himself. It did not matter who got screwed in the process as long as he was happy. (told you I was PMS'ing).
Anyway, back to the story, so I was driving home yesterday after day 47 of full time work and I was thinking about my trip to Texas. This is the first time in many years I am actually anxious to leave town. I can't wait, my fear is that I won't want to come back. I thought what if I move back to Texas and create a life for myself and #3 comes along with his sad little face telling me he was wrong and he wants us to get back together, what am I going to do? Oh the things that went through my head were great. I had everything from slamming the door in his face to actual causing bodily harm to him.
It was after episode 99 of fun ways to slam a door on someone that I realized I was doing everything I did not want to do. I was not doing this gracefully nor tactfully. I was not coming out of this with an ex for a friend. And do you know what I don't give a damn. I did not care that he has knock #2 of the top spot on my list of people to haunt and drive crazy when I die. I don't care that I can't have good feelings towards him. Because as of today, I am taking a note from his book of life and I am being honest with myself and I don't care if he gets screwed in the process as long as I am happy.
So you ask if he shows up with flowers and gifts would I take him back. As of today, no thank you. One thing I have learned through the last 5 months is that promises come and go, committements are just words but my emotions and feelings are me and I'll be damned if I let anyone have the chance to destroy them again.
Okay, I will be out of town until next week. So I may not do any updates. I will try to keep everyone updated and I promise I will be back and I will not be PMS'ing anymore.
Yesterday was a tough day. I think it is because I am tired 2 months of non stop working has started to take its toll. And when I get tired, I get mean. This can be fun for some and not so much fun for others. Yesterday, was all about bashing the ex day, in my head of course. Because it does not boad well to tell grieving families your stories of a break up. Believe me when I tell you they don't care.
But, what got me intrigued about my day of bashing is that a short 5 months ago I was telling myself that I was going to handle my separation like an adult. I was a grown woman and this was nothing new to me. I was going to come out of this with my ex as a friend. Hold on.....I even laugh when I type it. MY EX AS A FRIEND. What the hell was I smoking. Honestly, a friend. My mom has a great saying "With friends like that who needs enemies." I never knew what that comment meant until now.
Way back at the end of May when we "called it a day" I had so much trust that I could do this gracefully and tactfully. I was going to be nice, I was going to be cordial and above all I was not going to end up hating my ex. I don't like hating people. Hate much like jealousy is a one sided emotion. The ex's do not care if you hate them or if you are jealous. They are not in the picture anymore so big freaking deal. Hate and jealousy are a one woman kind of emotion. So really it is a waste of time. Well try telling that to my PMS'ing, hormonal, emotions. Right now they are loving the hating aspect of a relationship.
I think back to 5 short months ago and I remember thinking in a few weeks he will change his mind and want to get back together, then it was a few months, then it was a few years he will find what he is looking for and want to get back together. I am ashamed to say that these thoughts got me through many a rough day and night. Until now.
What the hell was I thinking, worse yet, what the hell was I telling myself this bullshit fairy tale for. This is a person who in no uncertain terms told me that he has never really liked me, he just assumed he could grow to like me, he has always had issues with my weight, but he thought he could grow to be okay with it. This is a person who had no regard for my feelings at all, he had no regard for my life, nor my happiness. His only regard was for what he wanted and what he could get out of it. To him the most important thing on his plate was getting the hell away from me so he could find enlightenment or whatever ya-ya 70's bs he is looking for. Basically, a commitment and a promise he made to me 7 years ago meant nothing and was worthless, because he is an honest person he had to be honest to himself. It did not matter who got screwed in the process as long as he was happy. (told you I was PMS'ing).
Anyway, back to the story, so I was driving home yesterday after day 47 of full time work and I was thinking about my trip to Texas. This is the first time in many years I am actually anxious to leave town. I can't wait, my fear is that I won't want to come back. I thought what if I move back to Texas and create a life for myself and #3 comes along with his sad little face telling me he was wrong and he wants us to get back together, what am I going to do? Oh the things that went through my head were great. I had everything from slamming the door in his face to actual causing bodily harm to him.
It was after episode 99 of fun ways to slam a door on someone that I realized I was doing everything I did not want to do. I was not doing this gracefully nor tactfully. I was not coming out of this with an ex for a friend. And do you know what I don't give a damn. I did not care that he has knock #2 of the top spot on my list of people to haunt and drive crazy when I die. I don't care that I can't have good feelings towards him. Because as of today, I am taking a note from his book of life and I am being honest with myself and I don't care if he gets screwed in the process as long as I am happy.
So you ask if he shows up with flowers and gifts would I take him back. As of today, no thank you. One thing I have learned through the last 5 months is that promises come and go, committements are just words but my emotions and feelings are me and I'll be damned if I let anyone have the chance to destroy them again.
Okay, I will be out of town until next week. So I may not do any updates. I will try to keep everyone updated and I promise I will be back and I will not be PMS'ing anymore.
Posted by
Cynthia
Monday, October 29, 2007
Could You...Would You...Should You
These are all questions to ask yourself if you find that you are dreaming about an intimate night with the ex.
First off: Could You?
Could you in all honesty be intimate with someone who has hurt you, dumped you or left you? Many women will say yes and 90% of men will say definitely. But think seriously for a moment about this. You are going to allow yourself to drop your defenses and be intimate with this person. Remember this is the same person you were cursing and damning to hell a few days ago. This is the same person who broke your heart a few weeks ago. This is the same person you no longer trust with your love.
Personally, I don't think I could do this. In the back of my mind I would be going over everything that happened between us during the breakup, I would be reliving every hurtful word he said or in #3's case every hurtful email and letter he wrote. Honestly, how could you get aroused with all that drama going on in your head?
Second: Would You?
After doing all the rationalizing for the "could you" question now you are asking yourself would you. So again you need to ask yourself would you sleep with someone who has caused you untold pain and caused so much damage in your life. The only difference between your ex and a stranger at a bar is that you know is name. After a break up you no longer know this person. If you knew this person you would still be together. Seriously, think about it, how many times during your break up did you think to yourself "I did not know that?" In my case more times than I can count. The person you fell in love with and started a relationship with is not the same person you broke up with. You both changed over time and you are both different people. So ask yourself "Would I sleep with that man at the bar?" If the answer is "No way" then that is the answer to the Would You question.
Third: Should You?
There are so many arguments against the should you question. First off if the ex is coming around out of the blue and asking for a little lovin, it is probably because he or she is bored not because they miss you. If they left you for another person you need to ask were that person is now. We can probably guess the answer to that one. If you have been split up for several month maybe they are starting to regret the break up, but that is not your problem unless you are feeling the same way. If you are in the middle of a break up they may be wanting to just reminisce about what they are losing. Either way it is probably best to just keep your knickers on and let them find someone else.
No matter where you are in the breakup, by sleeping with them you are only creating more emotions that you will have to sort out. And what are you going to do when the deed is done and he says "Thanks" and walks out the door. You have just set yourself up for more therapy and more dealing with the hurt and pain.
One more note on the Should you question. Do you know what he/she has been doing since you broke up. Who have they been with? Have they been protecting themselves? these are serious questions you need to ask because when they show up at the door for a little slap and tickle they want it to be the same as when you were a monogamous couple and I doubt they want to put on a rain coat. And if you are not paying attention or lost in their words of love and devotion you may not think about it either. But, let's face it when you are not in a relationship with someone exclusively you are in danger of catching who knows what. And do you really want the embarrassment of having to deal with that.
So my advice is to pass on the Sex with the Ex and find someone who has not rocked your world both in the bedroom and out.
These are all questions to ask yourself if you find that you are dreaming about an intimate night with the ex.
First off: Could You?
Could you in all honesty be intimate with someone who has hurt you, dumped you or left you? Many women will say yes and 90% of men will say definitely. But think seriously for a moment about this. You are going to allow yourself to drop your defenses and be intimate with this person. Remember this is the same person you were cursing and damning to hell a few days ago. This is the same person who broke your heart a few weeks ago. This is the same person you no longer trust with your love.
Personally, I don't think I could do this. In the back of my mind I would be going over everything that happened between us during the breakup, I would be reliving every hurtful word he said or in #3's case every hurtful email and letter he wrote. Honestly, how could you get aroused with all that drama going on in your head?
Second: Would You?
After doing all the rationalizing for the "could you" question now you are asking yourself would you. So again you need to ask yourself would you sleep with someone who has caused you untold pain and caused so much damage in your life. The only difference between your ex and a stranger at a bar is that you know is name. After a break up you no longer know this person. If you knew this person you would still be together. Seriously, think about it, how many times during your break up did you think to yourself "I did not know that?" In my case more times than I can count. The person you fell in love with and started a relationship with is not the same person you broke up with. You both changed over time and you are both different people. So ask yourself "Would I sleep with that man at the bar?" If the answer is "No way" then that is the answer to the Would You question.
Third: Should You?
There are so many arguments against the should you question. First off if the ex is coming around out of the blue and asking for a little lovin, it is probably because he or she is bored not because they miss you. If they left you for another person you need to ask were that person is now. We can probably guess the answer to that one. If you have been split up for several month maybe they are starting to regret the break up, but that is not your problem unless you are feeling the same way. If you are in the middle of a break up they may be wanting to just reminisce about what they are losing. Either way it is probably best to just keep your knickers on and let them find someone else.
No matter where you are in the breakup, by sleeping with them you are only creating more emotions that you will have to sort out. And what are you going to do when the deed is done and he says "Thanks" and walks out the door. You have just set yourself up for more therapy and more dealing with the hurt and pain.
One more note on the Should you question. Do you know what he/she has been doing since you broke up. Who have they been with? Have they been protecting themselves? these are serious questions you need to ask because when they show up at the door for a little slap and tickle they want it to be the same as when you were a monogamous couple and I doubt they want to put on a rain coat. And if you are not paying attention or lost in their words of love and devotion you may not think about it either. But, let's face it when you are not in a relationship with someone exclusively you are in danger of catching who knows what. And do you really want the embarrassment of having to deal with that.
So my advice is to pass on the Sex with the Ex and find someone who has not rocked your world both in the bedroom and out.
Posted by
Cynthia
Friday, October 26, 2007
I bet that title got your attention! No, I have not dated Donald Trump but I think I know what it would be like. Let me explain. Remember a few years ago when the first Apprentice was on the air? It was a great show, especially for those of us in the business world. It really showed what business was like. After that first session the show went down hill really fast. Why? Because it became nothing more than an advertisement for Donald Trump. Everything was Trump this or Trump that; it was almost comical, but annoying. The Donald would spend 60 minutes making his wanna be's listen to him talk about himself. That is all he knows how to do is talk about himself. I guess that is okay in the business world because he is an item, an icon, he has to sell himself.
But why do we feel like we need to sell ourselves when we are on dates. The most important date to me is the 1st date. During this brief time I will know if I am attracted to a man or not. Within that first 20 minutes I will know if I can have a connection with that person and if I discover this connection I am very happy, until they blow the connection.
How many of you have gone on a first date and by the time you get home you know everything about the other person? They have told you their life story, they left nothing out, they did not even attempt to sugar coat it. Just blurted it out for your listen pleasure.
I have actually known guys that will carry on a conversation with you and be totally lost in the sound of their own voice. I think they may have even forget I was actually there. They love to hear their voice, they love to tell your their stories, what they are doing, what they want, what they need, and how no one understands them. Well of course no one understands them, we zone out after the first 5 minutes of their "Me Speech." Now don't get me wrong I know plenty of ladies who do this just as much as men. But, unfortunatly my dating experience is only with men. So deal with it.
I decided to see if there was actually advice out there on how to have a successful first date. And I'll be damned there is a ton of it. But apparently nobody reads it until after they have gone on 50 first dates but never a second. So here is what a few sites have to say:
AskMen.com suggests:
"Let the women feel comfortable. If women are comfortable, they will relax and be more at ease within conversations. This way, if you accidently say something insulting, step on her foot or forget to hold the door, she will be more inclined to forgive the mishap."
alumbo.com The Self Help Supersite suggests:
"Keep your spending to a minimum. With first dates, never try to impress her by taking her to a nice restaurant. This puts you in the wrong position. Remember, this is her chance to sell herself to YOU, not the other way around. Meet her for coffee (not at a Starbucks -- find a cool, out-of-the-way, comfortable coffee shop for dates). Or, meet her for drinks. Skip the places that everyone knows, and find "date locations" that will show her you're an original type of guy who knows the cool "off the radar" spots."
themodernman.com suggests:
"Change your mindset to kill nerves.One of most important dating tips for first dates, is to realise this: The woman is meeting up with you because she has an interest in you! With that in mind, there's no need to be nervous. Choose to believe in yourself and enjoy your time together, rather than worrying about whether she likes you or not."
These are just a few of the 28,600,000 results on google. And as you can see they can be completely different and depending on how desperate you are will depend on who's advice you take. I am pretty sure that if you use the second one you will probably not have alot of 2nd dates, but you could be best friends with Donald Trump.
The only thing I can suggest to my fellow singles out there is just be kind and caring to one another. Guys, if you decide during the date that she is not the one for you. Tell her, don't do the "I'll call you" and diappear. You can wait until you get home and send her an email but tell her. And ladies, the guys have feelings too, you are just as responsible in the relationship as he is. If you think he is not Mr. Right, don't lead him on. Let him go on to find someone else.
But why do we feel like we need to sell ourselves when we are on dates. The most important date to me is the 1st date. During this brief time I will know if I am attracted to a man or not. Within that first 20 minutes I will know if I can have a connection with that person and if I discover this connection I am very happy, until they blow the connection.
How many of you have gone on a first date and by the time you get home you know everything about the other person? They have told you their life story, they left nothing out, they did not even attempt to sugar coat it. Just blurted it out for your listen pleasure.
I have actually known guys that will carry on a conversation with you and be totally lost in the sound of their own voice. I think they may have even forget I was actually there. They love to hear their voice, they love to tell your their stories, what they are doing, what they want, what they need, and how no one understands them. Well of course no one understands them, we zone out after the first 5 minutes of their "Me Speech." Now don't get me wrong I know plenty of ladies who do this just as much as men. But, unfortunatly my dating experience is only with men. So deal with it.
I decided to see if there was actually advice out there on how to have a successful first date. And I'll be damned there is a ton of it. But apparently nobody reads it until after they have gone on 50 first dates but never a second. So here is what a few sites have to say:
AskMen.com suggests:
"Let the women feel comfortable. If women are comfortable, they will relax and be more at ease within conversations. This way, if you accidently say something insulting, step on her foot or forget to hold the door, she will be more inclined to forgive the mishap."
alumbo.com The Self Help Supersite suggests:
"Keep your spending to a minimum. With first dates, never try to impress her by taking her to a nice restaurant. This puts you in the wrong position. Remember, this is her chance to sell herself to YOU, not the other way around. Meet her for coffee (not at a Starbucks -- find a cool, out-of-the-way, comfortable coffee shop for dates). Or, meet her for drinks. Skip the places that everyone knows, and find "date locations" that will show her you're an original type of guy who knows the cool "off the radar" spots."
themodernman.com suggests:
"Change your mindset to kill nerves.One of most important dating tips for first dates, is to realise this: The woman is meeting up with you because she has an interest in you! With that in mind, there's no need to be nervous. Choose to believe in yourself and enjoy your time together, rather than worrying about whether she likes you or not."
These are just a few of the 28,600,000 results on google. And as you can see they can be completely different and depending on how desperate you are will depend on who's advice you take. I am pretty sure that if you use the second one you will probably not have alot of 2nd dates, but you could be best friends with Donald Trump.
The only thing I can suggest to my fellow singles out there is just be kind and caring to one another. Guys, if you decide during the date that she is not the one for you. Tell her, don't do the "I'll call you" and diappear. You can wait until you get home and send her an email but tell her. And ladies, the guys have feelings too, you are just as responsible in the relationship as he is. If you think he is not Mr. Right, don't lead him on. Let him go on to find someone else.
Posted by
Cynthia
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Shortly after my recent breakup one of my clients asked me "When are you going to grieve?" I was perplexed, grieve for what? It really did not make any sense to me...at the time.
As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months I started to understand what she was talking about. When we break off a relationship, no matter what stage in life we are at, it is emotionally devistating to us. Yes, many times we are relieved to be out of a bad situation, but even bad relationships have memories, feelings and emotions attached to them.
When this all happened I told my guides I did not want to have a breakup where I spent years angry at this person. Anger takes to much energy from you. I wanted to breakup in a healthy way. Little did I know that anger is a much needed part of a separation. It is the one emotion that can truly help you get through the day. Let me tell you that I can get angry at the drop of a hat if I have too. And I have had to rely on that several times.
I may find myself watching TV and see a show that we watched together or see a couple that reminds me of us when we were happy. Now instead of getting depressed and feeling lonely I think of something that he did that really pissed me off and I go with that. Boy, I am doing really well on that. Because if you think about it we have lots of pent up emotions toward our partner. We may never plan on using it against them but from day one they have done things to just annoy the hell out us. Well when I start to feel blue, I pull one of those little gems out and run with it.
But depression and anger are not the only feelings you have after a breakup. I experienced anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I thought I was losing my mind, I would wake up in the middle of the night and the longer I stayed awake the more problems I created in my head to worry about. I had convinced myself that I could not handle this alone. After a particularly awful morning that started off by crying for 2 hours before work, I called my doctor and made an appointment. I was really surprised to find out what was happening was fairly normal. She gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to take that when I started to get anxious. After taking it 2-3 times I realized I did not like the way it made me feel so I came up with other ways to deal with the anxiety.
There are a ton of websites that are devoted to finding the perfect spouse, date, partner, etc. There are even more websites that tell you what to do once you find that Mr./Mrs. Perfect, but it is hard to find a good website that tells you what to do when Mr./Mrs. Perfect turn out not to be so perfect. So I spent my Sunday looking around and adding my two cents into the topic and here is what I came up with.
1. The first emotion you will experience is obviously shock. Unless you are the one doing the breaking up it never hits you the right way. Even if you knew it was coming, you are still shocked. This emotion can last anywhere from a day to months. Depending on how stable you are emotionally and what kind of support system you have. This is where your girlfriends come in handy, because we can handle just about anything with the right girls around us. They will help you except what happened and help you move forward. Your family, may help too but they are more inclined to want you to try and work it out than to walk away. Remember your girlfriends hear more of the bad stuff than your family does so they probably know more about the real situtation.
2. The next emotion is probably going to be sadness. All the sudden you are remembering your wedding, honeymoon, the night you first made love, that trip to the mountains, the beach, the grocery store, everything. For me, I went through the "I will never do ________ with him again." That was awful, I was telling myself that I will never go to Vegas again, because we got married there, I would never go to NYC again because he took me there, I would never go to Cancun again because we went there." I was pretty much locking myself into a life of going nowhere because we had done it before. How stupid is that? But this is what the saddness does to you. You can not think rationally when you are overcome with saddness. There are no guaranteed way of overcoming sadness other than to let it run it's course. Rely on your friends and family too help. Be honest with them, when they ask are you okay, tell them "No, I'm not." and let them help you through this.
3. Our best friend, Anger. Now, anger is a good emotion as I described above, but it can easily get out of hand. If you are prone to go into uncontrolable fits of anger and throw things or destroy things you need to keep that in check. What your partner may have accepted in the past during your relationship has changed. So if you were able to throw the dishes at him when you got mad before, he just may call the police now. So try as hard as you can to keep your anger in check. Do constructive things with your anger, such as, clean your house, wash your car, run, go to the gym, take up kickboxing, anything that helps you vent that anger in a healthy way. But, what ever you do, don't let your anger get the better of you and get you into trouble.
4. Another emotion you will discover is fear. Fear can be very dibilitating and well scary. For me, I was nervous about living alone. I had not lived alone before and I was not sure I could sleep by myself. But, guess what? Not only could I sleep well, I liked be alone. Make your new place yours, if you are into praying, asking God to send in protective angels to help keep you safe. If you are like me, I asked my guides to post guards to keep out anything negative that would do me harm. I found that doing this really helped me relax.
5. Anxiety again it can be devistating and if you think medication will help then by all means get some. It is not a sign of weakness that you need meds to help with this. But, it is imperative that you find ways to relax and be comfortable with yourself. Having my dogs has been a great help, if I start to get anxious I take them for a walk or we go outside and play. Anything to get my mind onto something else.
6. My personal favorite, Jealousy. When I was a teenager my mom told me that jealousy was a wasted emotion because it only hurt you. And she was right, but let me tell you when he talks about his first date you are going to be jealous. I don't care how mature you are, it hurts to know that they are able to move on with their lives and date other people. We all know they should be sitting at home in the throws of despair because you are not with them anymore. For me, it was not so much #3's dating as it was his free and easy lifestyle. He sends me emails telling me all the things he is doing for the week, laying out at the pool after noon, walking to the grocery store, going to buddist class, going to drumming classes, dance classes, going to volunteer in the mountains. When for me my weekly schedule is Mon-Friday 8:00am - 5:00pm working, 5:30-9:00 working, Saturday-Sunday 8:00 - ? working. So my schedule is full of working, I don't even remember the last time I got to lay out by the pool. Don't get me wrong I am not working because I can't stand the idea of being alone, I am working to pay the bills. My paychecks are pretty much spent before I get them. And then for him to tell me how broke he is all the time makes me have to take my own advice given in question 3 and not throw a skillet at him.
Unfortunatly there are many more emotions you will probably experience that we don't know about. But these are the basics that most people will experience. But remember that during all of this you are not alone. Your friends and family are just waiting for you to ask for their help and comfort. For me the thought of going home is what is getting me through. I know that my time is limited here in New Mexico and I am using that as my daily affirmation. For once my family seems to be the healing that I need. And to be honest there are not that many memories of me and #3 in Texas. Of all places that was one we did not frequent together. I mostly went alone and I am now grateful for that.
As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months I started to understand what she was talking about. When we break off a relationship, no matter what stage in life we are at, it is emotionally devistating to us. Yes, many times we are relieved to be out of a bad situation, but even bad relationships have memories, feelings and emotions attached to them.
When this all happened I told my guides I did not want to have a breakup where I spent years angry at this person. Anger takes to much energy from you. I wanted to breakup in a healthy way. Little did I know that anger is a much needed part of a separation. It is the one emotion that can truly help you get through the day. Let me tell you that I can get angry at the drop of a hat if I have too. And I have had to rely on that several times.
I may find myself watching TV and see a show that we watched together or see a couple that reminds me of us when we were happy. Now instead of getting depressed and feeling lonely I think of something that he did that really pissed me off and I go with that. Boy, I am doing really well on that. Because if you think about it we have lots of pent up emotions toward our partner. We may never plan on using it against them but from day one they have done things to just annoy the hell out us. Well when I start to feel blue, I pull one of those little gems out and run with it.
But depression and anger are not the only feelings you have after a breakup. I experienced anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I thought I was losing my mind, I would wake up in the middle of the night and the longer I stayed awake the more problems I created in my head to worry about. I had convinced myself that I could not handle this alone. After a particularly awful morning that started off by crying for 2 hours before work, I called my doctor and made an appointment. I was really surprised to find out what was happening was fairly normal. She gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to take that when I started to get anxious. After taking it 2-3 times I realized I did not like the way it made me feel so I came up with other ways to deal with the anxiety.
There are a ton of websites that are devoted to finding the perfect spouse, date, partner, etc. There are even more websites that tell you what to do once you find that Mr./Mrs. Perfect, but it is hard to find a good website that tells you what to do when Mr./Mrs. Perfect turn out not to be so perfect. So I spent my Sunday looking around and adding my two cents into the topic and here is what I came up with.
1. The first emotion you will experience is obviously shock. Unless you are the one doing the breaking up it never hits you the right way. Even if you knew it was coming, you are still shocked. This emotion can last anywhere from a day to months. Depending on how stable you are emotionally and what kind of support system you have. This is where your girlfriends come in handy, because we can handle just about anything with the right girls around us. They will help you except what happened and help you move forward. Your family, may help too but they are more inclined to want you to try and work it out than to walk away. Remember your girlfriends hear more of the bad stuff than your family does so they probably know more about the real situtation.
2. The next emotion is probably going to be sadness. All the sudden you are remembering your wedding, honeymoon, the night you first made love, that trip to the mountains, the beach, the grocery store, everything. For me, I went through the "I will never do ________ with him again." That was awful, I was telling myself that I will never go to Vegas again, because we got married there, I would never go to NYC again because he took me there, I would never go to Cancun again because we went there." I was pretty much locking myself into a life of going nowhere because we had done it before. How stupid is that? But this is what the saddness does to you. You can not think rationally when you are overcome with saddness. There are no guaranteed way of overcoming sadness other than to let it run it's course. Rely on your friends and family too help. Be honest with them, when they ask are you okay, tell them "No, I'm not." and let them help you through this.
3. Our best friend, Anger. Now, anger is a good emotion as I described above, but it can easily get out of hand. If you are prone to go into uncontrolable fits of anger and throw things or destroy things you need to keep that in check. What your partner may have accepted in the past during your relationship has changed. So if you were able to throw the dishes at him when you got mad before, he just may call the police now. So try as hard as you can to keep your anger in check. Do constructive things with your anger, such as, clean your house, wash your car, run, go to the gym, take up kickboxing, anything that helps you vent that anger in a healthy way. But, what ever you do, don't let your anger get the better of you and get you into trouble.
4. Another emotion you will discover is fear. Fear can be very dibilitating and well scary. For me, I was nervous about living alone. I had not lived alone before and I was not sure I could sleep by myself. But, guess what? Not only could I sleep well, I liked be alone. Make your new place yours, if you are into praying, asking God to send in protective angels to help keep you safe. If you are like me, I asked my guides to post guards to keep out anything negative that would do me harm. I found that doing this really helped me relax.
5. Anxiety again it can be devistating and if you think medication will help then by all means get some. It is not a sign of weakness that you need meds to help with this. But, it is imperative that you find ways to relax and be comfortable with yourself. Having my dogs has been a great help, if I start to get anxious I take them for a walk or we go outside and play. Anything to get my mind onto something else.
6. My personal favorite, Jealousy. When I was a teenager my mom told me that jealousy was a wasted emotion because it only hurt you. And she was right, but let me tell you when he talks about his first date you are going to be jealous. I don't care how mature you are, it hurts to know that they are able to move on with their lives and date other people. We all know they should be sitting at home in the throws of despair because you are not with them anymore. For me, it was not so much #3's dating as it was his free and easy lifestyle. He sends me emails telling me all the things he is doing for the week, laying out at the pool after noon, walking to the grocery store, going to buddist class, going to drumming classes, dance classes, going to volunteer in the mountains. When for me my weekly schedule is Mon-Friday 8:00am - 5:00pm working, 5:30-9:00 working, Saturday-Sunday 8:00 - ? working. So my schedule is full of working, I don't even remember the last time I got to lay out by the pool. Don't get me wrong I am not working because I can't stand the idea of being alone, I am working to pay the bills. My paychecks are pretty much spent before I get them. And then for him to tell me how broke he is all the time makes me have to take my own advice given in question 3 and not throw a skillet at him.
Unfortunatly there are many more emotions you will probably experience that we don't know about. But these are the basics that most people will experience. But remember that during all of this you are not alone. Your friends and family are just waiting for you to ask for their help and comfort. For me the thought of going home is what is getting me through. I know that my time is limited here in New Mexico and I am using that as my daily affirmation. For once my family seems to be the healing that I need. And to be honest there are not that many memories of me and #3 in Texas. Of all places that was one we did not frequent together. I mostly went alone and I am now grateful for that.
Posted by
Cynthia
Today I finished what I started several weeks ago. I got all my papers in order for my life after marriage.
You do not realize how much paperwork is involved in dissolving a relationship, especially when you are married. There is life insurance, 401K plans, bank accounts, car insurance, health insurance, wills, living wills and it just keeps going on and on.
Right after the initial "let's call it a day" comment I changed my life insurance beneficiary. There was no way I was going to leave $136,000 in insurance to someone who no longer want to be a part of my life and that I could not trust anymore. So I immediately took him off the policy and added my mother to it.
But after doing that we started to get along a little bit and I thought maybe just maybe there was a chance and I stopped all my paperwork. But, after writing the post about cutting cords I realized it was time to cut ALL my cords with him.
I started by finalizing my new will and leaving everything I have (which is not much) to my mother and son. I left instructions on what to do when I die, I left instructions on what to do with my life insurance policies, what I wanted done with Tau & Kali, etc. Then I finished my Living Trust, this is the paperwork that says if you are not able to live without life support turn off the machines. That was an interesting document to do, because on one hand you want to hold out hope that if you are in coma you will come out, but what if you don't, do you really want to be a burden to your family? So I took that decision out of their hands and said no. If I am in a coma let me go. Because I am pretty sure I will know exactly what is going on and I have already moved on to the other side. I finished the Legal Separation papers, that only needed our signatures.
Last night as I was going through my things and sorting out what needed to be returned to him, I found our marriage license and it was funny a few weeks ago I would have been in tears over it. But, last night I felt nothing but disappointment. I also found emails from back in 2000 when we were living in separate states and that was our main way of communicating. Again a few weeks ago I would have been devastated, but last night I just looked at them and saw nothing but a big lie. Because if what he said in May was true that would mean that in 2000 he did not love me nor wanted me for myself. He was planning ways of changing me even back then. So all the letters of love were nothing more than a ploy to "reel me in" as he put it so cutely a few years ago. It's not so cute now.
Anyway, back to my paperwork, my poor mother is just overwhelmed with all this she now has to deal with. But, luckily she has a daughter who is an expert at organizing papers. The one bit of information my attorney said that stuck with me was "Consider yourself alone now. You live in a state with no family. You need to be as prepared as possible in case something happens. You need to have someone ready to take over at a drop of a hat." So that is what I am doing.
I really thought it would be more difficult, but this is what happens when you start cutting all those cords. You are slicing off something that is no longer good for you. By cutting the cords I am allowing myself to deal with things in a more realistic and honest approach. The emotions are not there because the cord has been severed. So seeing something that 7 years ago I thought was the most romantic thing is the world is now merely words on a piece of paper and they have no affect on me whatsoever.
So as I continue to sort out my new life, I will find ways to overcome any doubts and fears. I will try to stay positive and remember all things happen for a reason and this is nothing more than one door closing and 10 more opening.
You do not realize how much paperwork is involved in dissolving a relationship, especially when you are married. There is life insurance, 401K plans, bank accounts, car insurance, health insurance, wills, living wills and it just keeps going on and on.
Right after the initial "let's call it a day" comment I changed my life insurance beneficiary. There was no way I was going to leave $136,000 in insurance to someone who no longer want to be a part of my life and that I could not trust anymore. So I immediately took him off the policy and added my mother to it.
But after doing that we started to get along a little bit and I thought maybe just maybe there was a chance and I stopped all my paperwork. But, after writing the post about cutting cords I realized it was time to cut ALL my cords with him.
I started by finalizing my new will and leaving everything I have (which is not much) to my mother and son. I left instructions on what to do when I die, I left instructions on what to do with my life insurance policies, what I wanted done with Tau & Kali, etc. Then I finished my Living Trust, this is the paperwork that says if you are not able to live without life support turn off the machines. That was an interesting document to do, because on one hand you want to hold out hope that if you are in coma you will come out, but what if you don't, do you really want to be a burden to your family? So I took that decision out of their hands and said no. If I am in a coma let me go. Because I am pretty sure I will know exactly what is going on and I have already moved on to the other side. I finished the Legal Separation papers, that only needed our signatures.
Last night as I was going through my things and sorting out what needed to be returned to him, I found our marriage license and it was funny a few weeks ago I would have been in tears over it. But, last night I felt nothing but disappointment. I also found emails from back in 2000 when we were living in separate states and that was our main way of communicating. Again a few weeks ago I would have been devastated, but last night I just looked at them and saw nothing but a big lie. Because if what he said in May was true that would mean that in 2000 he did not love me nor wanted me for myself. He was planning ways of changing me even back then. So all the letters of love were nothing more than a ploy to "reel me in" as he put it so cutely a few years ago. It's not so cute now.
Anyway, back to my paperwork, my poor mother is just overwhelmed with all this she now has to deal with. But, luckily she has a daughter who is an expert at organizing papers. The one bit of information my attorney said that stuck with me was "Consider yourself alone now. You live in a state with no family. You need to be as prepared as possible in case something happens. You need to have someone ready to take over at a drop of a hat." So that is what I am doing.
I really thought it would be more difficult, but this is what happens when you start cutting all those cords. You are slicing off something that is no longer good for you. By cutting the cords I am allowing myself to deal with things in a more realistic and honest approach. The emotions are not there because the cord has been severed. So seeing something that 7 years ago I thought was the most romantic thing is the world is now merely words on a piece of paper and they have no affect on me whatsoever.
So as I continue to sort out my new life, I will find ways to overcome any doubts and fears. I will try to stay positive and remember all things happen for a reason and this is nothing more than one door closing and 10 more opening.
Posted by
Cynthia
Friday, October 19, 2007
For many of us we believe in reincarnation, we believe that every person has had at least 1 past life. Many can actually remember their past lives, especially small children. You can do what is called a Past Life Regression where you are hypnotised and taken back into your past lives.
For me I have always known I had many many past lives and over the years I have had several of them validated by different people. I also have a very active life in between my lives. What this means is that when I finish one earth bound life I go to the other side. While I am on the other side instead of resting and relaxing and waiting for my next Earth trip I chose to work with new souls crossing over. Much like I do here but on a more direct path.
Anyways, that is another story. One thing I found out about our past lives is that we will make contracts with other people in these life times or while we are between life times. For instance, I seem to have a habit of making contracts with men to help them find themselves, once this is done they no longer need me. We also make contracts with family members and friends to seek them out in our next lifetime. This explains why when you met a total stranger and after a few minutes of talking you both feel like you have known each other for ever. That is because you have known each other forever.
Many times children and parents will play out different roles in different lifetimes, your current parents may have been your children in a past lifetime and your brother or sister could have been your child or parent in a past lifetime. A common thought in the metaphysical world is that we are reincarnated because we have not learned what we need to learn to move onto a higher spiritual plane. Therefore, we are required to repeat our Earth bound life until we figure out what it is we are suppose to learn.
I decided that this would be my last Earth bound life. I have too many things to do on the other side and I do not need to come back here anymore. When I made this decision known the "Z and the Boys" I was immediately told that I needed to get my act together cause there was a lot of work to be done before my window opened and I could leave this world. So I started looking at what I needed to complete.
One day back in April or May I was very upset with my relationship with #3, it was not working out the way I wanted it to and I was heart broken. What had started out as a wonderful marriage and relationship had turned into every other relationship I every had. The more I thought about the more pissed off I got, so on a whim I demanded from "Z and the Boys" to know what the hell happened. I was not ready for the answer.
They told me that #3 and I have been in hundreds of lifetimes together and every time we made a contract to find each other in our next lifetime. Great, but I went a step further, I made a contract to help him in achieving his own enlightenment during that lifetime. According to the guides this was okay, until this lifetime, when my own enlightenment started to play against me. My spirit was ready to take flight and finally do what I was meant to do, but I had attached myself to someone else with the unbreakable contract that I would do whatever was necessary to help them in their efforts of enlightenment. So therefore, I was starting to feel trapped, held down and un appreciated, because I wanted more and more and more.
After hearing this I was really upset that I was stupid enough to agree to something like this. I felt like many of the homeowners today who just found out that unless they pay $20,000 they are going to lose their house. What sounded like a good deal years ago turned against them. So I told the guides I wanted out, don't care how, just get me out. Their answer was if I cancelled the contract I would have to repeat this lifetime to finish it. So I told them to finish the contract, in fact, finish all the contracts. I was told they would need to work with the guides of everyone I have a contract with and see if they would be willing to finish the contracts early.
What a shock this was, not only did I get my contract with #3 finished, but every contract I had out there was finished. So I was a bit shocked when out of the blue people who had been my friends for a long time were no longer there or our friendship started to go bad. All the sudden people that I would spend hours talking with just annoyed the hell out of me. But #3 was the biggest shock. I never thought that if I completed our contract he would be inclined to leave. I thought our relationship would go back to the way it was in the beginning. But it did not, from my point of view, he had the same reaction to me as I had to my friends. Everything I did now just bugged him, he did not feel like he needed me around anymore and he was okay with ending something that 7 years ago he swore he would not do.
I learned a big lesson with that one, be prepared for what you ask for because you do not get to control the outcome. I have made a contract with myself that I will not make anymore contracts with anyone else except myself. I have been told by the guides that this is a wise decision because it only binds you to them for many lifetimes.
So it has taken me hundreds of lifetimes to realize that my job is not to make everyone happy. My job is to make myself happy so that I can help where I am needed.
For me I have always known I had many many past lives and over the years I have had several of them validated by different people. I also have a very active life in between my lives. What this means is that when I finish one earth bound life I go to the other side. While I am on the other side instead of resting and relaxing and waiting for my next Earth trip I chose to work with new souls crossing over. Much like I do here but on a more direct path.
Anyways, that is another story. One thing I found out about our past lives is that we will make contracts with other people in these life times or while we are between life times. For instance, I seem to have a habit of making contracts with men to help them find themselves, once this is done they no longer need me. We also make contracts with family members and friends to seek them out in our next lifetime. This explains why when you met a total stranger and after a few minutes of talking you both feel like you have known each other for ever. That is because you have known each other forever.
Many times children and parents will play out different roles in different lifetimes, your current parents may have been your children in a past lifetime and your brother or sister could have been your child or parent in a past lifetime. A common thought in the metaphysical world is that we are reincarnated because we have not learned what we need to learn to move onto a higher spiritual plane. Therefore, we are required to repeat our Earth bound life until we figure out what it is we are suppose to learn.
I decided that this would be my last Earth bound life. I have too many things to do on the other side and I do not need to come back here anymore. When I made this decision known the "Z and the Boys" I was immediately told that I needed to get my act together cause there was a lot of work to be done before my window opened and I could leave this world. So I started looking at what I needed to complete.
One day back in April or May I was very upset with my relationship with #3, it was not working out the way I wanted it to and I was heart broken. What had started out as a wonderful marriage and relationship had turned into every other relationship I every had. The more I thought about the more pissed off I got, so on a whim I demanded from "Z and the Boys" to know what the hell happened. I was not ready for the answer.
They told me that #3 and I have been in hundreds of lifetimes together and every time we made a contract to find each other in our next lifetime. Great, but I went a step further, I made a contract to help him in achieving his own enlightenment during that lifetime. According to the guides this was okay, until this lifetime, when my own enlightenment started to play against me. My spirit was ready to take flight and finally do what I was meant to do, but I had attached myself to someone else with the unbreakable contract that I would do whatever was necessary to help them in their efforts of enlightenment. So therefore, I was starting to feel trapped, held down and un appreciated, because I wanted more and more and more.
After hearing this I was really upset that I was stupid enough to agree to something like this. I felt like many of the homeowners today who just found out that unless they pay $20,000 they are going to lose their house. What sounded like a good deal years ago turned against them. So I told the guides I wanted out, don't care how, just get me out. Their answer was if I cancelled the contract I would have to repeat this lifetime to finish it. So I told them to finish the contract, in fact, finish all the contracts. I was told they would need to work with the guides of everyone I have a contract with and see if they would be willing to finish the contracts early.
What a shock this was, not only did I get my contract with #3 finished, but every contract I had out there was finished. So I was a bit shocked when out of the blue people who had been my friends for a long time were no longer there or our friendship started to go bad. All the sudden people that I would spend hours talking with just annoyed the hell out of me. But #3 was the biggest shock. I never thought that if I completed our contract he would be inclined to leave. I thought our relationship would go back to the way it was in the beginning. But it did not, from my point of view, he had the same reaction to me as I had to my friends. Everything I did now just bugged him, he did not feel like he needed me around anymore and he was okay with ending something that 7 years ago he swore he would not do.
I learned a big lesson with that one, be prepared for what you ask for because you do not get to control the outcome. I have made a contract with myself that I will not make anymore contracts with anyone else except myself. I have been told by the guides that this is a wise decision because it only binds you to them for many lifetimes.
So it has taken me hundreds of lifetimes to realize that my job is not to make everyone happy. My job is to make myself happy so that I can help where I am needed.
Posted by
Cynthia
Thursday, October 18, 2007
There are so many ways we attach ourselves to other people. We can be attached to them by birth, friendship, family, co workers or as lovers. These are the people we share our lives with, we cry with them, laugh with them and interact with them on a daily basis. By having this interaction we create a bond with these people and it is more than just a liking or loving them we actually create a spiritual and physical bond with them.
A lot of times in the metaphysical psychobabble world therapists will tell their client they need to cut the cord to a specific person. Many times if someone is on the outs with your parents or siblings they will do this so that they are no longer attached to them and they can start the healing process of letting that relationship go. If a friendship has died and withered away you can cut that spiritual cord there also.
It is always harder to do when it is a relationships that has fallen to the wayside. There is more attached than a friendship, you have invested more of yourself into this one relationship than in any other relationship you have had. By having a intimate relationship with someone you are in actuality giving them your essence, your body becomes accustom to theirs, your aura will blend with theirs, your senses will become one with their senses. On many occasions during the past several years, if I did not have physical contact with "the man" I started to get a little loopy. It was as if my body needed to be reminded of who he was and it wanted to reconnect.
So one of the important things to do when you decide to separate is cut all the cords that are connecting you to him. If you leave the cords connected you are always with that person and they are able to connect with you on other dimensions. So say you are moving on with your life and doing really well, you have not cried over your lost love, you are no longer thinking about them a hundred times a day and you are finally able to talk to other guys without thinking they are out to hurt you. Then WHAM!!! out of the blue you have a vivid dream where you are reconnected with him and now you are spending the day thinking about him, asking yourself "Should I call him", checking to see if you received any emails from him. You are right back to where you were at the beginning.
But wait; how did this happen? You were doing so good and you were happy. It happened because you did not break the connection with him. And while he just spent the day walking down memory lane and sending a ton of energy out it went straight to you during a vulnerable time while you were sleeping.
Think of the connections or cords as a string that is attaching your body to his. The energy either of you emits builds up and travels along this string and hits you right where you don't need it. If you had a really strong relationship that lasted a few years there are going to be several connections attached and each one will need to be cut.
So now that I have told you about these connections you are anxious to know how to cut them. It is actually pretty easy and you can do it alone or with the help of a therapist or energy worker. But before you do this you need to be 100% sure that you are ready to cut the connection, because you don't want to cut it and then reconnect it and have to start all over again done the road.
A lot of times in the metaphysical psychobabble world therapists will tell their client they need to cut the cord to a specific person. Many times if someone is on the outs with your parents or siblings they will do this so that they are no longer attached to them and they can start the healing process of letting that relationship go. If a friendship has died and withered away you can cut that spiritual cord there also.
It is always harder to do when it is a relationships that has fallen to the wayside. There is more attached than a friendship, you have invested more of yourself into this one relationship than in any other relationship you have had. By having a intimate relationship with someone you are in actuality giving them your essence, your body becomes accustom to theirs, your aura will blend with theirs, your senses will become one with their senses. On many occasions during the past several years, if I did not have physical contact with "the man" I started to get a little loopy. It was as if my body needed to be reminded of who he was and it wanted to reconnect.
So one of the important things to do when you decide to separate is cut all the cords that are connecting you to him. If you leave the cords connected you are always with that person and they are able to connect with you on other dimensions. So say you are moving on with your life and doing really well, you have not cried over your lost love, you are no longer thinking about them a hundred times a day and you are finally able to talk to other guys without thinking they are out to hurt you. Then WHAM!!! out of the blue you have a vivid dream where you are reconnected with him and now you are spending the day thinking about him, asking yourself "Should I call him", checking to see if you received any emails from him. You are right back to where you were at the beginning.
But wait; how did this happen? You were doing so good and you were happy. It happened because you did not break the connection with him. And while he just spent the day walking down memory lane and sending a ton of energy out it went straight to you during a vulnerable time while you were sleeping.
Think of the connections or cords as a string that is attaching your body to his. The energy either of you emits builds up and travels along this string and hits you right where you don't need it. If you had a really strong relationship that lasted a few years there are going to be several connections attached and each one will need to be cut.
So now that I have told you about these connections you are anxious to know how to cut them. It is actually pretty easy and you can do it alone or with the help of a therapist or energy worker. But before you do this you need to be 100% sure that you are ready to cut the connection, because you don't want to cut it and then reconnect it and have to start all over again done the road.
- The first and most important thing to do is protect yourself. I'm not talking about protecting yourself from intruders or muggers. I am talking about protecting yourself from negative energy. So you will want to put yourself into your protective bubble. If you don't know how to do this it is very easy. Sit quietly and take some deep breaths, visualize yourself sitting or laying whichever is easier for you, now visualize a great big bubble of light coming over you and settling around you. See yourself inside the bubble, you are comfortable and cozy and nothing from the outside can get to you in your bubble. I like to make my bubble out of white light, but sometimes I need a bit of color or extra care, so I use pink as a comfort color and blue as a vibrate energy color.
- Now that you are safe and comfy in your bubble visualize the person you are cutting the cord with. Think of a time when you were comfortable with them, not a time when you were ecstatically happy (ie: your wedding) or when you were livid (ie: your breakup) but just a normal everyday time. See them standing there in front of you, they are not in any way threatening to you nor do they know what you are doing. You are not in anyway going to hurt them or cause them discomfort .
- While you are looking at them focus on the strings of energy that are coming off of you and going to him and vice versa see what energy he is giving to you. These are the cords you are going to cut. Don't be surprise if there are a lot of them, the more time you spend with someone the more you attach yourself to them.
- Now, as they are standing there tell them that you appreciate everything they have brought into your life, you appreciate them for the love they showed you in the past and the happiness they gave you. But, now it is time for you to reclaim all that you have given to to them.
- Now visualize yourself taking a big pair of scissors and cutting the cords, start with the closest ones and just keep cutting. Think of it as pruning a rose bush, the more you cut back the healthier you will be in the future.
- Once all of the cords are cut, you will be amazed at the energy level you have. This is because you have just taken all your energy back.
- Now that you are finished, thank him for joining you and tell him he is free to go on his own way in life and that you wish him all the best in light and love.
You are done, you just did a major step in reclaiming your life. So what happens next, well the person may feel a bit out of sorts but that is okay, they don't know what you did. They just know that for some reason they have either more or less energy. Depending on if they were feeding off your energy level. They may not have the need to call you as often as before and that is okay too because you will no longer need them to call you. You have set yourself free and you are free to live life to the fullest.
Posted by
Cynthia
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
There is one big problem I have with break ups and that is actually letting go of the person. I am not sure why this is, but I am positive my therapist has a few ideas. I think for women it is more difficult getting over a relationship. My personal opinion is that women are emotional beings and therefore when we lose someone it takes us more time to accept that it is over. But in all the breakup's that I have had over the years, I do know one thing. The man very seldom calls the woman to just chat or check on her. They will call if they need something from you but that is usually it.
I have yet to have any of the ex's call just to say Hi and see what I was doing. On the other hand I think about it all damn day and I wonder if they are okay and if they need anything. I am better at not thinking about it if I am pissed off at them. But, that is because I am usually cussing and swearing about them.
One of the things that annoyed the crap out of me when #3 and I were in the process of separating is the comments he would make. He was always telling me that the perfect guy is out there waiting for me, "When you leave me you will find Mr. Right", and "I'm just was not right for you." Then he said the funniest comment of all times "We will still be friends right?". This is another one of the WTF moments. I have not had a boy ask me if we can be friends since I was in the sixth grade and you just did not know any better. (The whole idea of being friends with an ex is another post so you will have to wait on that). Never once in our breakup did I tell him the perfect woman was out there waiting for him, because I do not believe it. I can't imagine who the perfect woman would be for him and by reading his personal ad on yahoo, I don't know that this person even exists and if she does it is going to be right down scary.
So I have invested some time in trying to find out exactly what you do to let that person go and what is the easiest way to get over the heartache. The ideas are fairly basic and I was happy to see that I actually did several of them already without knowing I was on the right track.
I have yet to have any of the ex's call just to say Hi and see what I was doing. On the other hand I think about it all damn day and I wonder if they are okay and if they need anything. I am better at not thinking about it if I am pissed off at them. But, that is because I am usually cussing and swearing about them.
One of the things that annoyed the crap out of me when #3 and I were in the process of separating is the comments he would make. He was always telling me that the perfect guy is out there waiting for me, "When you leave me you will find Mr. Right", and "I'm just was not right for you." Then he said the funniest comment of all times "We will still be friends right?". This is another one of the WTF moments. I have not had a boy ask me if we can be friends since I was in the sixth grade and you just did not know any better. (The whole idea of being friends with an ex is another post so you will have to wait on that). Never once in our breakup did I tell him the perfect woman was out there waiting for him, because I do not believe it. I can't imagine who the perfect woman would be for him and by reading his personal ad on yahoo, I don't know that this person even exists and if she does it is going to be right down scary.
So I have invested some time in trying to find out exactly what you do to let that person go and what is the easiest way to get over the heartache. The ideas are fairly basic and I was happy to see that I actually did several of them already without knowing I was on the right track.
- Get rid of all the reminders of your ex. This means remove all the pictures of you and him together that are out in the open. Take down anything that is a visual reminder of him/her, give up any clothes of his you are holding on to. The first thing I did when #3 said he wanted to separate was remove all pictures that were in our house of the two of us, it left big blank holes on our walls, but they were gone. As I moved into my own home I took the pictures out of the frames and added other ones (why waste a good frame).
- Drinking does not make it better. I'm not a drinker so I did not have to worry about this to much, but there were nights when I would find myself thinking "A couple of margaritas and all this pain will go away." Luckily, my girlfriends did not agree with this theory and protected me from myself. Keep in mind that going out and getting drunk is not going to make the pain go away any faster. In fact it will just add to it because when most of us are drunk we go into a major self pity mode that can be extremely harmful to our self esteem and will power.
- Protect your self from emotional stress:This means don't fall into any traps where you will be tempted to call on them. Keep a good support system around you that you can call on when something happens; instead of the ex. Shortly after we split up I had a few mishaps with my health, I fell and torn all the ligaments in my wrist and hand that required several doctors visits. The last visit was to a surgeon and in the past I would have had him go with me or at least discussed the options with him. But, this time I put him in the category with the people are not privy to my personal medical problems. I was able to make the decisions on my own as to what I needed to do and I feel that I made the right decisions. Now since we are still legally married I had to create paperwork so that if something happens to me; he is not responsible for making my medical decisions. Those decisions went back to my mother and family to take care of.
- Abstain from sex with the ex at all cost: Sex with the ex is never a good idea. I don't care how you rationalize it. It only brings back memories and emotions that you already had to deal with. So no matter what they say or how cute they are remember they are no longer safe to be with sexually because you do not know where they have been and what they have been doing and it is to risky.
- Avoid places they hang out or shop: This was hard for me because where I live there are not too many grocery stores. So what I do is try to go at times I am pretty sure he will not be there. So far it has worked out and I have not run into him at the store but once.
These are a few ideas of ways to start to get over a broken relationship. Of course each of us has our own versions and rituals but if you keep a good support system around you at all times and do not allow self pity to rule your world you will be on the track to a perfect date in no time.
Posted by
Cynthia
Saturday, October 13, 2007
In the Wiccan/Pagan community one of the first things you learn about spells is
Be careful what you ask for. You just may get it.
Most people will say "Duh! I asked for it because I wanted it." Really? Well think about that for a second. When I was a young teen full of feelings and emotions I did not understand, I would go to bed every night and pray that God would send me a boyfriend. Well my prayers were answered and he sent me a boyfriend. Of course at the time, I did not know what he was about but 26 years later I have a pretty good idea. I got a boyfriend, but he did not care about me, he cared about getting what he wanted out of me. I never worked into his picture of what a relationship was. Unfortunately, he died at 17 and I started all over again with the praying for a boyfriend.
I got one who was better than the first, but again I was not in any way prepared for relationships. I did not have a clue what was involved and what you were suppose to do. This relationship lasted longer and we ended up getting married and having our wonderful son. But, at the age of 20 he was ready to live his life and move on. So he left and created a great life for him self; going on to have a wonderful marriage and 3 more kids. I look at him and have a lot of respect for all he has accomplished in his life.
But, once again as soon as he left, I started all over again. This time, God had a sense of humor and gave me the the worst person on the planet for me. He gave me, one of the most self involved spoiled people you will ever meet. A person who felt the world revolved around him and only him. Truly, I think he thought that when I walked out the front door I went to limbo until it was time to see him again. He had more problems than any one person can have. He was an alcoholic, drug addict, narcissistic, and just plan evil.
By this time in my life I was pulling away from the church and going towards more of an Pagan lifestyle. I was starting to find myself and what I was all about. I was determined to raise my son to respect women and to understand what relationships are about. That sounds good in theory but when you are in an abusive relationship you are not in a position to teach anyone about what a good relationship is. The more I grew into my own, the more abusive he became and the more he abused himself with drugs and alcohol.
Finally after 20 years of this viscous cycle I was able to see what I was doing. I was just asking for a boyfriend. I was not giving any particulars about what I wanted in a boyfriend. So God was giving me what I asked for, he was giving me whatever he had at the moment. So this time I did not go to God but I went to the Goddess for help.
Now if you are not familiar with the Goddess aspect of life, let me tell you. She will kick your ass and not apologize for it. The Goddess if a tough girl, she knows what she wants women to be and she does what she needs to get there. I have a saying that I like to tell my fellow girlfriends when they are having a rough time "Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle. However, the Goddess will always give you more than you can handle. How else are you suppose to become strong, if you are never challenged."
So the Goddess did give me more than I could handle. She gave me #3, I was in no way prepared for someone who had needs as much or more than my own. She gave me exactly what I asked for:
- Someone who will understand my religious beliefs
- Someone who is family oriented
- Someone who is always looking for something better in life
- Someone who will always be my partner
- Someone who will never abuse me
#3 is all these things, but I failed to find out if I could handle all these things. Just wanting them is not enough, you have to be able to handle them and more. She gave me someone who is just like me and you know that saying "opposites attract" of course they do, because if you are too much alike you will kill one another.
So now at night when I do my mediation I am learning to ask for things I need, not things I want. I ask for things like:
- I would like a beautiful day today
- I would like an easy day today
- I would like feel loved all day today
I spend my morning and evening meditation thinking about what I would like to happen to me not who I would like to happen to me. I always leave myself open to the possibility that something I did not ask for happens and it is wonderful, for instance, I get a call out of the blue and a friends want to have lunch and it actually fits in my day. I am learning to be thankful for all the things you take for granite and I am learning to tell the people I love that I am so happy they are in my life and that they are the things that I need.
So it's Friday and we have a great weekend up ahead. When you wake up tomorrow morning, before you open you eyes, spend a few minutes thinking about what you want your day to be like, tell the Goddess and God that you want a perfect day of love and happiness and see what you get.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Posted by
Cynthia
Friday, October 12, 2007
How many of you ladies out there have said these words to your man?
You never listen to me!
You never hear a word I am saying!
What did I just tell you?
100% of you ladies just laughed and said "oh yeah". It has been scientifically proven that men do not listen as well as women. Any mother can tell you that. Who gets up in the middle of the night with the baby? Mom because she hears her before she even cries. Now, that is not to say there are not some dads out there who do a damn good job. But, honestly you are far and few between and when a woman gets you trust me she ain't letting go.
For many many years with #2 I could tell him something and I swear to all that is holy the man never heard a word I said. Sometimes the scum sucker would actually turn on the TV while I was talking to him, or utter this word of death "whatever". Oh God! if I had a gun every time that man just ignored me and uttered "whatever" well he would be full of holes right now.
I recall a yearly trip to my doctors and she asked me if I needed a refill on birth control pills and I very seriously asked her "Why did they cancel all sports on TV?" She thought I was joking but honestly there were times I could walk through the house buck naked and if a baseball, football, basketball, etc were on I went totally unnoticed. Now this was good when say I wanted to go out and did not need a hassle, I just waited and left without any sneaking at all.
But, what happens when you have to tell your man something important; for instance "The world is going to end in 20 minutes, if you would like to save yourself come with me." Well if you are me, you quietly whisper it to them and leave them sitting there typing on their computer, watching TV or whatever and you laugh your way to the bomb shelter. But, if you are a nice woman and you really want to save them what do you need to do to get their attention?
According to savvymiss.com and their article called Six Ways to Get Through to Him: How Men Say Women Should Communicate by John Crawford
1. Don't Be Too Emotional: Joe Mansfield, a psychotherapist in Nashua, NH has a website called helpformen.com. He says that "men are cut off from emotions" and goes on to say that if you get emotional and cry or scream it "jams the guy's circuits" "they find it threatening and distasteful".
Well of course they find it threatening and distasteful because if we get to the part in a conversation where we are crying and screaming we are threatening the guy.
2. Don't Take Offense to a Man in His Cave: Pete says that "Men can just hibernate, we zone out in a vegetative state in front of SportsCenter." Mr. Mansfield says "Men need to go into a cave once in a while. It's a huge step forward for any couple to recognize that."
Okay no offense to Pete and Mr. Mansfield but if your man wants to go "into a cave" or a vegetative state in front of the TV he needs to take the laundry or kids with him. Seriously when was the last time you heard a woman say, "Honey, I going to sit here and watch SportsCenter for; oh I don't know 3 days and I will be in a vegetative state and unresponsive to anything you say or need. Are you okay with that?"
3, 4 & 5: Don't Be Critical, Don't Talk To Much, Don't Initiate Important Discussions In the Car:
I don't even need to comment on these 3 because there is nothing to say but OH HELL NO, if I want to criticize, talk to much or have an important conversation in the only place I have his undivided attention I will.
6. Don't Make Assumptions: Mr. Crawford says that too many books are written that want us to believe that men and women are universes apart. He always states "Sure, discussing feelings may make us a bit squeamish, but when the chips are down, and you need us for something important, we’ll be there. "
Personally I do know that is true, the few times I needed #3 he was there, through illness and surgery. But, men have to remember that we need them more often without a crisis. If you are couple you should be able to come home and cry on your man's shoulder not have to call a girlfriend.
Okay, so what made me all pissed off that I had to stop my night and write a post. Well, I still talk to #3 on a regular basis and I needed to tell him something very important that I was told by my guides. As usual it was not as important as his "stuff" so I was pretty much ignored. He was **** typing while I was trying to relay something that was important to me. So my thought at the moment is in 5-7 years when the event happens that I was told to tell him about, he will be totally caught off guard and I will be laughing.
Men, women are emotional beings, we are ruled by emotions, not just once a month but everyday. We feel things you only think about, we worry about things you never think about, we wake up at night just to make sure you are breathing. For the love of your woman if she wants to talk to you stop watching TV, playing on the computer or reading the paper and listen. You never know it may save your life that one night you stop breathing and she is pissed off because you did not listen at dinner.
:)
Posted by
Cynthia
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
If any of you remember the TV drama Hill Street Blues then you know that after every meeting that opened the show the police captain would tell everyone "Let's Be Safe Out There."
Dating has changed so much since I was a teenager, there are so manything I did not know about, where were not aware of. When I was a youngster we did not talk about the problems with domestic violence between teens, date rape, etc. If we did it was not publicized for all the world to see. However, these are two very real and very dangerous situations that very common in today's society. There are teen girls who are dating guys that beat them, belittle them and abuse them. These girls are not attached to these boys by marriage or kids they are just dating. But, the emotions are the same as if they had been married for 10 years and had 4 kids.
Women who have been off the dating market for many years not prepared for the new dangers out there. We have heard about them and I am sure 90% of us have seen a Lifetime movie about it. But we never think it could happen to us. Well except me, I have always used the thought that "It can happen to me" and therefore I am always trying to protect myself from anything happening.
So here are some tips on how to stay safe when dating again:
1. No always means No and that's it. If he says "Oh you really know you want it" walk away and don't look back. If you can't walk away safely kick the crap out of him and then walk away.
2. Always carry your cell phone with you and make sure it is turned on and charged. It can't be used to call the police after you beat him over the head with frying pan if it is dead.
3. Never meet your potential date in a secluded area. Come on ladies, meet somewhere where you can park close to the building, there are lots of people around and you are safe when you leave alone.
4. Don't go back to his place until you know him much better and on that note don't invite him back to your place. If you are feeling the need for a little something...something stop by your local Adult store and deal with it on your own. You do not need a stranger to take care of it for you.
5. Pepper Spray is a great little tool. But be sure you know what you are doing before you use it. There is nothing worse than trying to spray the bad guy but you get it instead.
6. Self Defense classes, get your favorite girls together and take a class, they will teach you everything from how to avoid being raped to how to kick their ass when they get to fresh. Many of these classes are 1 or 2 evenings and very reasonably priced.
7. Do not carry a gun unless you know what you are doing. If you have a concealed handgun license that is wonderful. I was told by a cop friend that if you don't think you can kill a person with your gun don't take it. So basically, if you are going to use it for protection you better be damn sure you are prepared to kill someone in self defense. If you have doubts; get pepper spray and leave the gun at home.
8. If you get caught up in a situation and you can get away Run like the hounds of hell are after you. But don't' scream Help!!! scream Fire!!! instead. People will listen to this more than help.
9. Before you go out with someone you don't know ask him questions, Full Name, Where do you live? What do you do for a living? What company do you work for? etc. If he is an upstanding guy he will have no problems answering these questions. If he is vague on the answers put off the date until he can answer them. Unless you act like a stalker there should be no problem with him telling you "I works for XXX company".
10. Make a pact with your girlfriends, tell them where you are going and have them tell you where they are going. Call each other at a set time the next morning or that night if you want to, just to make sure they got home okay and that things went well. If you are set to call at midnight and no one answers you know where to start looking. Stick to this rule, it could save your life. If you meet someone while you are out and you have the mad desire to go with them call your girlfriends and tell them where you are going and when you will be home. Always take your own car, don't leave your car at a bar and ride with them. This way you can leave if you want and you can give better details of where you are if you have to have someone come get you.
11. If you get to intoxicated to drive, do not let him drive you home. Call a cab or a friend. Unless you know this person well enough having him take you home while you are intoxicated is just asking for trouble. Again, a upstanding guy will be okay with this.
11. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE. If you are on a date and you are violated in any way GO TO THE POLICE. Ladies; don't fall for that deadly feeling "It was my fault" "I deserved it" "I should not have gone with him". IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Help another girl out and turn his ass in and get that predator off the street.
These are just basic common sense rules, the dating game is not as simple as it was 20-30 years ago. It is more complex and more intense than we remember it. But, with a little planning and keeping in mind that your safety is your #1 priority dating can be fun and entertaining.
Dating has changed so much since I was a teenager, there are so manything I did not know about, where were not aware of. When I was a youngster we did not talk about the problems with domestic violence between teens, date rape, etc. If we did it was not publicized for all the world to see. However, these are two very real and very dangerous situations that very common in today's society. There are teen girls who are dating guys that beat them, belittle them and abuse them. These girls are not attached to these boys by marriage or kids they are just dating. But, the emotions are the same as if they had been married for 10 years and had 4 kids.
Women who have been off the dating market for many years not prepared for the new dangers out there. We have heard about them and I am sure 90% of us have seen a Lifetime movie about it. But we never think it could happen to us. Well except me, I have always used the thought that "It can happen to me" and therefore I am always trying to protect myself from anything happening.
So here are some tips on how to stay safe when dating again:
1. No always means No and that's it. If he says "Oh you really know you want it" walk away and don't look back. If you can't walk away safely kick the crap out of him and then walk away.
2. Always carry your cell phone with you and make sure it is turned on and charged. It can't be used to call the police after you beat him over the head with frying pan if it is dead.
3. Never meet your potential date in a secluded area. Come on ladies, meet somewhere where you can park close to the building, there are lots of people around and you are safe when you leave alone.
4. Don't go back to his place until you know him much better and on that note don't invite him back to your place. If you are feeling the need for a little something...something stop by your local Adult store and deal with it on your own. You do not need a stranger to take care of it for you.
5. Pepper Spray is a great little tool. But be sure you know what you are doing before you use it. There is nothing worse than trying to spray the bad guy but you get it instead.
6. Self Defense classes, get your favorite girls together and take a class, they will teach you everything from how to avoid being raped to how to kick their ass when they get to fresh. Many of these classes are 1 or 2 evenings and very reasonably priced.
7. Do not carry a gun unless you know what you are doing. If you have a concealed handgun license that is wonderful. I was told by a cop friend that if you don't think you can kill a person with your gun don't take it. So basically, if you are going to use it for protection you better be damn sure you are prepared to kill someone in self defense. If you have doubts; get pepper spray and leave the gun at home.
8. If you get caught up in a situation and you can get away Run like the hounds of hell are after you. But don't' scream Help!!! scream Fire!!! instead. People will listen to this more than help.
9. Before you go out with someone you don't know ask him questions, Full Name, Where do you live? What do you do for a living? What company do you work for? etc. If he is an upstanding guy he will have no problems answering these questions. If he is vague on the answers put off the date until he can answer them. Unless you act like a stalker there should be no problem with him telling you "I works for XXX company".
10. Make a pact with your girlfriends, tell them where you are going and have them tell you where they are going. Call each other at a set time the next morning or that night if you want to, just to make sure they got home okay and that things went well. If you are set to call at midnight and no one answers you know where to start looking. Stick to this rule, it could save your life. If you meet someone while you are out and you have the mad desire to go with them call your girlfriends and tell them where you are going and when you will be home. Always take your own car, don't leave your car at a bar and ride with them. This way you can leave if you want and you can give better details of where you are if you have to have someone come get you.
11. If you get to intoxicated to drive, do not let him drive you home. Call a cab or a friend. Unless you know this person well enough having him take you home while you are intoxicated is just asking for trouble. Again, a upstanding guy will be okay with this.
11. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE. If you are on a date and you are violated in any way GO TO THE POLICE. Ladies; don't fall for that deadly feeling "It was my fault" "I deserved it" "I should not have gone with him". IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Help another girl out and turn his ass in and get that predator off the street.
These are just basic common sense rules, the dating game is not as simple as it was 20-30 years ago. It is more complex and more intense than we remember it. But, with a little planning and keeping in mind that your safety is your #1 priority dating can be fun and entertaining.
Posted by
Cynthia
Is it okay to tell perspective dates that you do not want to meet their children? Is it okay to look for dates that do not have children?
These are two very important questions for me because I do not like children. I know, I know, you are all saying "But Cindy you have a child yourself." Yes, this is true, but I only have one (because I hated everything about being pregnant) and he is 20 years old.
It's not children per se that I hate, it is the way they are raised today. I see children out in the stores and they have absolutely no respect for anyone around them. They feel like they should always be the center of attention and if they are not they throw a fit. Personally, I just do not want to deal with it.
Here is what I have encountered in my online dating episodes. I put on every profile that I do not want anymore children, I would like a date that has no children and does not want any children. What do I get, I have kids but they don't live with me, I have kids 50% of the time, I have kids that live with me 100% of the time.
Where in my NO CHILDREN - DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN do they get the idea that this is what I am interested in. When I explain to them that I am not interested because of their family status 95% of them say "Oh by my child is very well behaved, they are great, they love the idea of me dating, etc." I finally had to go and put in the written part of my profile that no matter how much you think I will grow to love your child as much as you do it will not happen. I have no desire to be in competition with someones kid, because that kid should always come first in your life.
Over the years, people have complained about my view on children, when I go to a restaurant I do not want to sit next to a table with 5 kids. Nothing against the kids or their family, I just do not want to be part of their dinner. I always thought that when they banned smoking in restaurants they should have started a kids/no kids section. I remember one trip to Olive Garden several years ago and we asked for a quiet table she took us to a table where there was party of at least 15 people next to it and most of them were loud kids. We told her the table was not acceptable and she rudely said that it was the only open. We politely told her we would wait for another one to open. She had the nerve to ask me what my problem with kids was. I told her I do not have a problem with kids, I have already raised mine and if I was going to pay $40 for dinner I would like to enjoy it. She continued being rude until I finally asked to speak to the manager.
This is another thing society tells us how to do. They tell us that we are not complete without 2.5 kids in the family, they tell us that if you discipline your children you are abusing them, they tell us if you do not buy them every toy in the store and every electronic game out there you are a bad parent. So based on this we have a generation coming up that has no respect for people; including their own parents, they think they own the world, and that they should snap their fingers and magically get what they wished for. And there are parents who do this and unfortunately they are all looking for a date.
My advice on dating with kids is consider this one of the important factors into finding a perfect date. If you are a kids person and you can handle the drama and trauma of having kids on your date then by all means go for it. But, if you are like me and do not want the deal with it and think of kids as a lot of work then stick to your guns and don't get involved with someone who has them. Because, trust me if you don't like them now you are not going to like them when you are dating their dad (or mom) and they see you as the enemy.
Seriously folks you think Al Qaeda is bad wait until you see a kid who thinks you are keeping his mom and dad from true happiness. No nuclear weapon could stop that kid from making your life miserable.
These are two very important questions for me because I do not like children. I know, I know, you are all saying "But Cindy you have a child yourself." Yes, this is true, but I only have one (because I hated everything about being pregnant) and he is 20 years old.
It's not children per se that I hate, it is the way they are raised today. I see children out in the stores and they have absolutely no respect for anyone around them. They feel like they should always be the center of attention and if they are not they throw a fit. Personally, I just do not want to deal with it.
Here is what I have encountered in my online dating episodes. I put on every profile that I do not want anymore children, I would like a date that has no children and does not want any children. What do I get, I have kids but they don't live with me, I have kids 50% of the time, I have kids that live with me 100% of the time.
Where in my NO CHILDREN - DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN do they get the idea that this is what I am interested in. When I explain to them that I am not interested because of their family status 95% of them say "Oh by my child is very well behaved, they are great, they love the idea of me dating, etc." I finally had to go and put in the written part of my profile that no matter how much you think I will grow to love your child as much as you do it will not happen. I have no desire to be in competition with someones kid, because that kid should always come first in your life.
Over the years, people have complained about my view on children, when I go to a restaurant I do not want to sit next to a table with 5 kids. Nothing against the kids or their family, I just do not want to be part of their dinner. I always thought that when they banned smoking in restaurants they should have started a kids/no kids section. I remember one trip to Olive Garden several years ago and we asked for a quiet table she took us to a table where there was party of at least 15 people next to it and most of them were loud kids. We told her the table was not acceptable and she rudely said that it was the only open. We politely told her we would wait for another one to open. She had the nerve to ask me what my problem with kids was. I told her I do not have a problem with kids, I have already raised mine and if I was going to pay $40 for dinner I would like to enjoy it. She continued being rude until I finally asked to speak to the manager.
This is another thing society tells us how to do. They tell us that we are not complete without 2.5 kids in the family, they tell us that if you discipline your children you are abusing them, they tell us if you do not buy them every toy in the store and every electronic game out there you are a bad parent. So based on this we have a generation coming up that has no respect for people; including their own parents, they think they own the world, and that they should snap their fingers and magically get what they wished for. And there are parents who do this and unfortunately they are all looking for a date.
My advice on dating with kids is consider this one of the important factors into finding a perfect date. If you are a kids person and you can handle the drama and trauma of having kids on your date then by all means go for it. But, if you are like me and do not want the deal with it and think of kids as a lot of work then stick to your guns and don't get involved with someone who has them. Because, trust me if you don't like them now you are not going to like them when you are dating their dad (or mom) and they see you as the enemy.
Seriously folks you think Al Qaeda is bad wait until you see a kid who thinks you are keeping his mom and dad from true happiness. No nuclear weapon could stop that kid from making your life miserable.
Posted by
Cynthia
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Every since I was old enough to understand that everyone has different opinions on religion & politics I decided that these two topics were things I did not want to talk about. I did really well on this for years, anytime someone would bring up religion or politics I would simply walk away or not comment.
There are reasons for this, first off I was raised most of my life as a Catholic, I taught 3rd Sunday School for several years. Well when you live in the bible belt of Texas and 99% of the people you know are baptist being Catholic made you an outcast. So I never talked about it or discussed it with any of my friends, the older I got the more I pulled away from the Catholic church until I finally left it all together.
Politics were a whole different experience, when I was in high school I worked with my best friends mom at a political relations company. It was so much fun, but they were all democrats. There is nothing wrong with this, except for the ones I saw. At a very early age in my political life I saw the underbelly of the democratic way of life and I did not like it. So therefore, I decided that I was a republican. I should have never told my family because they were very much against republicans and what they stood for. So that went into the closet as well.
Now as time went on I would always tell people there are 2 things I will not talk about and that is politics and religion. No questions, no arguing, nothing I am not talking about it. So what did I do, I married a man who loved nothing more than talking politics and religion. I thought because we shared the same basic beliefs with religion that would be okay, oh boy, was I wrong. All those years of not talking about my religious opinions just made things worse.
We still had basically the same beliefs, but he was much more devoted to his causes than I was. When I was writing my book I recall him asking me "Don't you want to be an expert on this subject?" and my honest answer was "No, not really." I enjoyed my religion and I enjoyed celebrating the holidays the way I liked. He was a bit more precise with the holidays. Instead of having a set day every year, he went by the astrological time and place of when the holiday actually should be. Which for some odd reason was always in the middle of the night. I like my holidays to be more on my schedule, it certainly is more fun celebrating the Summer Solstice by spending the afternoon at the beach, than waking at 2:23 am.
Anyway, one of the things that is a big question with the online dating is your religious choice. And many people do not think it is that important but it is. I put down what my choices where and what I did not want. But alas, almost every response was from people who's religious beliefs were not what I was wanting. Finally, I asked someone why they choose to respond even though I said I was not interested in him based on his religious preferences. He told me "Oh we can get around that. It's not a big deal." WHOA! It is a big deal, If I am telling you up front before I even know you that based on your religion I would not be interested in you, it is a big deal for me. To assume that you can charm someone into accepting you is not only wrong it is just stupid.
My other favorite is when they tell me that they can accept me no matter what I believe in. That one always makes me laugh, because no matter what they say, their family and friends will say differently and family and friends always weigh in more than you think.
So my suggestion to anyone starting out looking for the perfect date is to keep in mind what is important to you and don't lower your standards just for a date. If you are a devote _____ (fill in the blank) be proud of that and you will do fine. Don't let someone tell you that they do not care what your religious beliefs are; because they do and those differences will come out at the worst possible times (ie: raising your children, if you get married, etc.).
There are reasons for this, first off I was raised most of my life as a Catholic, I taught 3rd Sunday School for several years. Well when you live in the bible belt of Texas and 99% of the people you know are baptist being Catholic made you an outcast. So I never talked about it or discussed it with any of my friends, the older I got the more I pulled away from the Catholic church until I finally left it all together.
Politics were a whole different experience, when I was in high school I worked with my best friends mom at a political relations company. It was so much fun, but they were all democrats. There is nothing wrong with this, except for the ones I saw. At a very early age in my political life I saw the underbelly of the democratic way of life and I did not like it. So therefore, I decided that I was a republican. I should have never told my family because they were very much against republicans and what they stood for. So that went into the closet as well.
Now as time went on I would always tell people there are 2 things I will not talk about and that is politics and religion. No questions, no arguing, nothing I am not talking about it. So what did I do, I married a man who loved nothing more than talking politics and religion. I thought because we shared the same basic beliefs with religion that would be okay, oh boy, was I wrong. All those years of not talking about my religious opinions just made things worse.
We still had basically the same beliefs, but he was much more devoted to his causes than I was. When I was writing my book I recall him asking me "Don't you want to be an expert on this subject?" and my honest answer was "No, not really." I enjoyed my religion and I enjoyed celebrating the holidays the way I liked. He was a bit more precise with the holidays. Instead of having a set day every year, he went by the astrological time and place of when the holiday actually should be. Which for some odd reason was always in the middle of the night. I like my holidays to be more on my schedule, it certainly is more fun celebrating the Summer Solstice by spending the afternoon at the beach, than waking at 2:23 am.
Anyway, one of the things that is a big question with the online dating is your religious choice. And many people do not think it is that important but it is. I put down what my choices where and what I did not want. But alas, almost every response was from people who's religious beliefs were not what I was wanting. Finally, I asked someone why they choose to respond even though I said I was not interested in him based on his religious preferences. He told me "Oh we can get around that. It's not a big deal." WHOA! It is a big deal, If I am telling you up front before I even know you that based on your religion I would not be interested in you, it is a big deal for me. To assume that you can charm someone into accepting you is not only wrong it is just stupid.
My other favorite is when they tell me that they can accept me no matter what I believe in. That one always makes me laugh, because no matter what they say, their family and friends will say differently and family and friends always weigh in more than you think.
So my suggestion to anyone starting out looking for the perfect date is to keep in mind what is important to you and don't lower your standards just for a date. If you are a devote _____ (fill in the blank) be proud of that and you will do fine. Don't let someone tell you that they do not care what your religious beliefs are; because they do and those differences will come out at the worst possible times (ie: raising your children, if you get married, etc.).
Posted by
Cynthia
Monday, October 8, 2007
Once in awhile #3 says something that really makes me think. He made a statement to me in a recent email: "...from the perception of a relationship orientated person not in a relationship."
This comment really made me stop and think for a minute. Why are we relationship orientated? I personally feel that this goes back to the way we are raised today. I mentioned in an earlier post that we are told from childhood that our life is not complete until we marry and have children. So therefore, we become relationship orientated people. If we are not with a partner, then we are constantly on the lookout for a partner. When we leave one person we immediately think we have to fill the void with another person or we can not possibly live.
By doing this I feel we never get to know our true selves. We are so busy trying to live up to the standards of what we think is the perfect life that we forget who we are and why we are here. I was told by my guides (Z and the boys) that before we are born into this world we make the decision on everything that will happen in our earth bound lives. We decide who our parents will be, what kind of life we will live, how long we will live, etc. All this is based on what you need to get out of this lifetime in order to evolve into higher being. Obviously some people get it and others don't, hence reincarnation.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is, once we are in this world we quickly forget the other lives we have had. We also forget the reasons we needed to repeat this life. If you spend time searching yourself you will find the answers and you can easily pick up doing what you need to do. But, when we live our lives searching for that one person who is going to make us complete we are forgetting what we need to do while we are here. If you decided before you arrived that you were going to meet your soul mate, then you will. You do not even have to try to find them you will find each other. But, if every person we meet, we think is our soul mate then we are wasting valuable time.
I knew before each of my marriages that it probably was not the right decision, people tried to talk me out of it each time but, I would not listen. When each marriage died, I look back and could see as clear as glass the signs that were there to warn me off. But, I chose not to see them at the time, because I thought I knew what I was doing. However, only with #3 did I think he was my soul mate, with #1 we were so young that we did not even know what a soul mate was much less think we were each others. With #2 I just thought if I accepted his proposal I could be a stay at home mom for my son, all I got in return was a son who was tired of seeing me everyday and a lot of abuse from #2.
So as I have said before, I am not going to look for someone to complete me. I am going to try and do that on my own. If I can complete myself then the perfect person will just fall into place and there will be no heartache attached to it, no doubt about where the relationship is going, it will not matter because we will be going in the same direction.
The big question...Do I think that person will come along in this lifetime? Today my answer is no I don't and I am okay with that. Who knows a year from now it maybe totally different.
This comment really made me stop and think for a minute. Why are we relationship orientated? I personally feel that this goes back to the way we are raised today. I mentioned in an earlier post that we are told from childhood that our life is not complete until we marry and have children. So therefore, we become relationship orientated people. If we are not with a partner, then we are constantly on the lookout for a partner. When we leave one person we immediately think we have to fill the void with another person or we can not possibly live.
By doing this I feel we never get to know our true selves. We are so busy trying to live up to the standards of what we think is the perfect life that we forget who we are and why we are here. I was told by my guides (Z and the boys) that before we are born into this world we make the decision on everything that will happen in our earth bound lives. We decide who our parents will be, what kind of life we will live, how long we will live, etc. All this is based on what you need to get out of this lifetime in order to evolve into higher being. Obviously some people get it and others don't, hence reincarnation.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is, once we are in this world we quickly forget the other lives we have had. We also forget the reasons we needed to repeat this life. If you spend time searching yourself you will find the answers and you can easily pick up doing what you need to do. But, when we live our lives searching for that one person who is going to make us complete we are forgetting what we need to do while we are here. If you decided before you arrived that you were going to meet your soul mate, then you will. You do not even have to try to find them you will find each other. But, if every person we meet, we think is our soul mate then we are wasting valuable time.
I knew before each of my marriages that it probably was not the right decision, people tried to talk me out of it each time but, I would not listen. When each marriage died, I look back and could see as clear as glass the signs that were there to warn me off. But, I chose not to see them at the time, because I thought I knew what I was doing. However, only with #3 did I think he was my soul mate, with #1 we were so young that we did not even know what a soul mate was much less think we were each others. With #2 I just thought if I accepted his proposal I could be a stay at home mom for my son, all I got in return was a son who was tired of seeing me everyday and a lot of abuse from #2.
So as I have said before, I am not going to look for someone to complete me. I am going to try and do that on my own. If I can complete myself then the perfect person will just fall into place and there will be no heartache attached to it, no doubt about where the relationship is going, it will not matter because we will be going in the same direction.
The big question...Do I think that person will come along in this lifetime? Today my answer is no I don't and I am okay with that. Who knows a year from now it maybe totally different.
Posted by
Cynthia
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Today has been an uncommonly difficult day. There is no rhyme nor reason for it to be difficult; yet it is.
As I work at the funeral home I see families in one of two ways; 1) They are extremely compassionate towards one another. They hold each others hand as they make some very difficult decisions. They support each other as they decide how to remember their loved one in the best way they know possible or 2) I see them tear each other up over what they want. One child wants a large funeral; one child wants a cremation. They can't agree on the a casket, they can't agree on music, they don't want certain people at the service etc.
They say a funeral is not for the dead but for the living. It is a way for those left here to say goodbye and start to move on with their lives.
Breaking a relationship up either by divorce or simply breaking up is much like a funeral. Each person has to be decide how they will go on in life without their partner. There will be those who will stand by you and hold your hand and there will be those who refuse to ever talk to you again because they "feel" "think" or want to "believe" that you did something wrong to their loved one to hurt them.
As much as we want to believe our break up's are not our fault that is simply not true. A marriage or relationship is a two way street and a break up or divorce is also a two way street. Even if one spouse cheated on the other, there had to be underlying issues that caused this action. I know every woman out there just flipped her wig. But honestly ladies let's stop for a minute and think; if you cheated on your man there was a reason. Either he was not giving you the proper attention, he was not satisfying you at home (on lots of levels) or you were just unhappy. Well believe it or not men seek out affairs for the same reasons.
Many couples recover after one of them was unfaithful and go on to have very happy marriages. They do this because they are willing to forgive the other one for the affair. To be honest I am not sure I could trust them again, so if you can do this you are a much better person than I am.
Now in my most recent marriage, #3 wanted out of the marriage because it was not working for him. He was not getting what he wanted out of the relationship. He felt that 7 years was long enough to try and hope for something he wanted. But, we all know that did not happen, since he is gone. Did I agree with this? Hell, no. But what can you do, he wanted out and that was that. Of course everyone blames him for the break up and that is not necessarily true. If he had been getting what he wanted out of our marriage we would still be together. So yes I am at fault for part of the breakup and I am woman enough to admit it.
If I were to stop and think about, I did not get what I wanted out of the marriage either. I was not happy and had not been happy for several years. But, to me that was life. You deal with it and move on. I fell into a comfort pattern based on something he told me in the very beginning. He said that no matter how our marriage was he would never get divorced again. He said that if I wanted out of the marriage I would have to file for divorce because he would never do that again.
Boy did that simple statement come back and bite me in the butt, I believed him and never thought it would come to an end. But, unfortunately he had to be true to himself and in doing so he had to go back on that one promise. The one big problem I had was I did not know how to leave someone that I was in love with.
I talked to my spirit guide about it and he simply said that this was a lesson everyone needs to learn. People are not yours to hold onto you. When we love them, we tell ourselves that they belong to us and therefore can not do anything without our permission. He also reminded me that by loving someone you had to be willing to do what was best for them...not you. Basically, he was no help at all. He was suppose to say "Don't worry honey, we will take all this pain away and tomorrow you will not remember a thing."
So I am learning that what I want from life is happiness and to be content. I am learning that I do not need a spouse to have happiness or contentment in my life. That in order for me to be happy I have to figure that out on my own. 7 years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in a spouse and I told him so. But, I found out that telling someone on the phone when you live 2 states away is one thing, living together and getting it is another thing. Life does not work out the way we want it to, we have to make life work out the way we want it to. It is a full time job that goes on 24/7. Everyday you have to decide before getting out of bed "What do I want out of life today?" and you go get it.
Monday's all I want out of life is an easy day and a Diet Pepsi. Tuesday through Saturday it depends on what I feel like. Sunday it much like Monday an easy relaxed day and a Diet Pepsi and I am happy. I do not wake up in the morning anymore asking the guides to find me someone to share my life with because at this point it is not important. However, wait until I have gone without sex for 6 months and we will see what I am asking for. I will be sure to write it out for you guys.
One of these posts will be about my guides views on people and their relationships. I will tell you that they are not very fond of them, they feel we waste a huge amount of our energy on trival things such as arguing. They are a hoot but I will save Z and the boys for another day.
Now go out and tell your friends and family that you love them and you are thrilled they are in your life. And if you have not planned your own funeral yet, do it now and save your family and the heartache of having to do it for you. Nobody knows what you want better than you.
As I work at the funeral home I see families in one of two ways; 1) They are extremely compassionate towards one another. They hold each others hand as they make some very difficult decisions. They support each other as they decide how to remember their loved one in the best way they know possible or 2) I see them tear each other up over what they want. One child wants a large funeral; one child wants a cremation. They can't agree on the a casket, they can't agree on music, they don't want certain people at the service etc.
They say a funeral is not for the dead but for the living. It is a way for those left here to say goodbye and start to move on with their lives.
Breaking a relationship up either by divorce or simply breaking up is much like a funeral. Each person has to be decide how they will go on in life without their partner. There will be those who will stand by you and hold your hand and there will be those who refuse to ever talk to you again because they "feel" "think" or want to "believe" that you did something wrong to their loved one to hurt them.
As much as we want to believe our break up's are not our fault that is simply not true. A marriage or relationship is a two way street and a break up or divorce is also a two way street. Even if one spouse cheated on the other, there had to be underlying issues that caused this action. I know every woman out there just flipped her wig. But honestly ladies let's stop for a minute and think; if you cheated on your man there was a reason. Either he was not giving you the proper attention, he was not satisfying you at home (on lots of levels) or you were just unhappy. Well believe it or not men seek out affairs for the same reasons.
Many couples recover after one of them was unfaithful and go on to have very happy marriages. They do this because they are willing to forgive the other one for the affair. To be honest I am not sure I could trust them again, so if you can do this you are a much better person than I am.
Now in my most recent marriage, #3 wanted out of the marriage because it was not working for him. He was not getting what he wanted out of the relationship. He felt that 7 years was long enough to try and hope for something he wanted. But, we all know that did not happen, since he is gone. Did I agree with this? Hell, no. But what can you do, he wanted out and that was that. Of course everyone blames him for the break up and that is not necessarily true. If he had been getting what he wanted out of our marriage we would still be together. So yes I am at fault for part of the breakup and I am woman enough to admit it.
If I were to stop and think about, I did not get what I wanted out of the marriage either. I was not happy and had not been happy for several years. But, to me that was life. You deal with it and move on. I fell into a comfort pattern based on something he told me in the very beginning. He said that no matter how our marriage was he would never get divorced again. He said that if I wanted out of the marriage I would have to file for divorce because he would never do that again.
Boy did that simple statement come back and bite me in the butt, I believed him and never thought it would come to an end. But, unfortunately he had to be true to himself and in doing so he had to go back on that one promise. The one big problem I had was I did not know how to leave someone that I was in love with.
I talked to my spirit guide about it and he simply said that this was a lesson everyone needs to learn. People are not yours to hold onto you. When we love them, we tell ourselves that they belong to us and therefore can not do anything without our permission. He also reminded me that by loving someone you had to be willing to do what was best for them...not you. Basically, he was no help at all. He was suppose to say "Don't worry honey, we will take all this pain away and tomorrow you will not remember a thing."
So I am learning that what I want from life is happiness and to be content. I am learning that I do not need a spouse to have happiness or contentment in my life. That in order for me to be happy I have to figure that out on my own. 7 years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in a spouse and I told him so. But, I found out that telling someone on the phone when you live 2 states away is one thing, living together and getting it is another thing. Life does not work out the way we want it to, we have to make life work out the way we want it to. It is a full time job that goes on 24/7. Everyday you have to decide before getting out of bed "What do I want out of life today?" and you go get it.
Monday's all I want out of life is an easy day and a Diet Pepsi. Tuesday through Saturday it depends on what I feel like. Sunday it much like Monday an easy relaxed day and a Diet Pepsi and I am happy. I do not wake up in the morning anymore asking the guides to find me someone to share my life with because at this point it is not important. However, wait until I have gone without sex for 6 months and we will see what I am asking for. I will be sure to write it out for you guys.
One of these posts will be about my guides views on people and their relationships. I will tell you that they are not very fond of them, they feel we waste a huge amount of our energy on trival things such as arguing. They are a hoot but I will save Z and the boys for another day.
Now go out and tell your friends and family that you love them and you are thrilled they are in your life. And if you have not planned your own funeral yet, do it now and save your family and the heartache of having to do it for you. Nobody knows what you want better than you.
Posted by
Cynthia
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)