Important Day Adjustments

I have decided that April 16th will now be known as Cindy's Life Altering Day. Why? Because, I got engaged on April 16th, filed for divorce on April 16th and this year will have surgery on April 16th.

All of these events have been life altering in many ways and so therefore from now on I will do any life altering decisions on April 16th. Once in awhile I may have to do some decisions on other days but only if it is imperative.

Last year I decided to no longer celebrate June 11th as "My Day" and I changed it to August 8th. But June 11th has always been my own special day since I was a teenager and I am not going to ruin my special day just because I made a bad decision and got married on June 10th. So, I have decided to forget about June 10th and continue to celebrate "My Day" on June 11th. It is more important and is always a special day for me and I have lots of fond memories that go with this day. June 10th was simply the day I got married, we never made it a special day nor celebrated our anniversary with anything more than a sedate dinner. So screw June 10th and Welcome Back June 11th.

The Unattached Healer

Did you know that each and every one of us is a healer? We all have the ability to heal those around us. We may not have a medical degree but sometimes a degree is not necessary. Healing can be as simple as listening to someone talk about their problems or it can be more involved by using Reiki, massage therapy, acupuncture, etc.

For me I don't know if I have had this ability my whole life or if it is something that came along later in life. But the older I get the more I discover these special talents that I possess. For me the healer part is almost as natural as breathing. As I listen to someone talk about their problems or issues I am given insight into what could be the case or solution for their issues. By talking to someone and making suggestions or asking questions you can easily show them another side of the issue. I have started to do this more and more as people are brought to me for various reasons. Typically they start out as a friend and once I get to know them and I am more comfortable with them I will start to help them with their healing.

As I was doing my nightly guide work on Friday night I was asking about the healer part of me. The guides had lots of insight and knowledge about it. They were happy that I am finding more ways to use this side of myself and I am more comfortable actually doing it. I do have to rememmber to pay attention to them when they give me guidance for someone, because I am always worried about scarying someone off by giving them a message from their guides or from my own. They advised not to worry about the reaction, they would not give me a message if the person could not or was not able to handle it. This happened recently with a person's dog who was ill and we were helping her heal. As I was talking to him the guides had information for him about what he needed to do with his dog and what he needed to communicate to her. I was very skittish about telling him because I don't know him well. But, after a few minutes I passed on the information and he was very accepting of it.

During the meditation I was reminded about my one drawback with healing and that is that I get attached to people to easily. #3 use to always tell me when we were dating that he did not want to get attached to me. He wanted a relationship without attachments. Of course, I know now that is because he had no plans of a permenant relationship. Whether he knew it consciously or not, he was already looking for an out. Anyway, I could not understand how you could be in love with someone and not be attached to them. I know how to do that now. One of the main teachings of Buddha is being unattached so that you can evolve in spirituality and become enlightened.

When a person is brought to me for healing I become attached to them and I will do anything in my power to help with their healing. I would not be able to heal them if I did not care about them. Unfortunately, when the healing is complete they no longer need me and move on. They only needed me for the healing and nothing else. If during the healing we became friends that ends when the healing is done. This has happened so many times since I have been in Albuquerque that I have lost count. Every time it happens, I am hurt, I feel discarded, I feel used and lonely. The person, will usually stay in touch for a few weeks but then it stops and they are no longer available to me as a friend or anything else really.

When I had my mental breakdown at the end of 2007 the only person I felt that I could honestly rely on for support was Phyllis and my friend Gail. Phyllis was my spiritual support and Gail just got me out of the house to laugh once in awhile. The friends I had at work did not want to know what was going on and in the end turned on me like a rabid dog. My family never knew what went on and the few close friends I had in my world were not interested or capable of helping me. It was the worst time I have ever gone through, I have never in my entire life felt so alone. I felt this way because I had created false attachments to people and once again allowed myself to think that they were there for me and they were not. Even still today, it hurts to think about the ones who turned their back on me in my time of need. But, I also know it was a lesson I had to learn in order to become enlightened down the road.

So the guides advised me to heal but to heal without attaching myself to the person. Advise, counsel, send energy but do it with the knowledge that when they are healed they will leave and I have to be okay with that. So I am trying and this will be the lesson of all lessons to learn.

Beethoven - Missa Solemnis

Last night Harold and I went to see the New Mexico Symphony Orchestra perform Beethoven's Missa Solemnis. It was amazing, we had fabulous seats in the orchestra section, thanks to French's being a major sponsor of the Symphony.

If you have not the privileged of hearing the NMSO you have to add it to your list of things to do. They are wonderful. It was also nice to know a few people in the choral section.

For those like me who had never heard of this production before let me enlighten you to what I learned. Missa Solemnis is a mass that Beethoven started writting in 1819 for his friend Archduke Rudolph of Austria who was going to become the Archbishop of Olmutwz on March 9, 1820. Unfortunately Beethoven was not finished with the piece and would not finish the piece until 1823. Beethoven considered this to be his greatest work.

For me it was dramatic piece with the tempo going from deep and slow to almost a racing gaunt. I would highly recommend that if you get the chance to see this performance to do so. For those interested in the Symphony their season will finish up at the end of May with their performance at the BioPark. Check out their website www.nmso.org for ticket information.

Finally...It's About Time

Finally after what seems an eternity of never ending bad dates I had a really good one. I had a first date this afternoon and it was great. I actually think we have a chance of something more than just coffee. I am excited yet apprehensive at the same time. I have been very up front with what I want and don't want in my life at the moment. I have the go ahead from the guides to carry on so we will see.

And to top it off he is a workaholic just like me. I will keep you updated.

Ostara 2009

Denial Realization Number 3

As I traverse this rocky road of denial, I am amazed and shocked at the discoveries I am finding. Most of them are just right down obvious but it is easier to use denial than admit to having a fault. But, some of them are really shocking when I step back and look at the situation with a outsiders point of view.

You would think that viewing things as an outsider would make it easier to handle and deal with. But, in reality it only shows you what was really there, it still hurts like hell, because it is a real event and an event that changed my life. I am just seeing it from a different perspective.

For me the easier situations of denial to deal with are the ones that happened as an adult versus the ones that happened when I was a child. So I have started with the most recent activities in my life and go from there. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I manifested the separation and divorce from #3. I was not the sole cause of the problems and disharmony in the marriage; that was a 2 way street.

As I have mentioned in the past, I am firm believer in the fact that we have the ability to manifest most things in our lives; both good and bad. You can’t claim credit for the good things only, you have to accept blame for the bad things you manifest as well. After thinking over the separation and divorce and the months and years leading up to. I realized that I was ready for it to be over with way before it was, I just didn’t know how to end it. I was asking myself and the guides over and over how to make this toxic relationship go away. I would spend hours driving around town, driving around the state, hell, driving out of the state and thinking the entire time of ways to fix that relationship. When #3 would get into one of his moods or belittle me for something he was having trouble with, I would beg the guides to get me out and they did. They saw to it that the spiritual contract we had established lifetimes ago was completed. They did not void the contract because then I would have to redo it in another lifetime, they saw that the contract was completed all together. So that there will be no other lifetimes with him. He may have to come back in another lifetime but; I won’t, but if the contract was voided for this lifetime only I would have to come back simply because of the spiritual contract we had between us.

Once the contract was completed I was free to go, I just did not have the courage do end the relationship because I was in it for the long haul. He on the other hand was in it until it no longer suited him. The commitment he made in 2000 was not a commitment in the sense of what I thought it was. He was simply committing himself to me until he found something else to do. And in hindsight that is okay, he is a free being to do that. There will be repercussions of that down the road but that is his road to travel and not mine. Once I was able to get away from the toxic situation and live life without being inundated with negative energy every day my life changed dramatically. I have had good times, bad times and horrible times. But I also lived through them and learned from them. This was just the last lesson that I needed to learn from that time.

Now that I am aware of my feelings and thoughts during the last few years of the marriage it makes moving a head in life a bit easier. I am not as cynical as I was. I see now that I had a hand in getting out, I still don’t completely trust people but I am sure that will change when I get to know someone better. I no longer blame him for the break up, he is still responsible for his parts of it and the things he did and said, since there were not manifested by me but came from him. But, I can now accept that like the divorce from #2 this divorce was the best thing for me. It is what needed to happen in order for me to continue to grow spiritually.

I am in the process of manifesting a house and a vacation. I am pretty sure I will get both when the time is right.

Oh Lordy

I have discovered the best thing ever. I am so excited about my new toy at work. Since 99.9% of my job is computer related I have had some problems with my computer monitor not making me look like a hung over wino at the end of the day. So my boss & Jeanie got me the greatest thing EVER. I now have 2 HUGE flat screen monitors on my desk. I can be doing two things at one time, I am so in love I don't know where to go.

When it was first mentioned that maybe I would be able to use two computer screens I could not imagine why I would need that. But as my job progressed and my duties increased. I found that I was having several documents open at the same time and flipping back and forth and having to print a ton of reports so that I could have the numbers in front of me.

When I sat down in my office this afternoon with both screens in front of me and found out that I could have the reports up on one screen while I was working on another report on the other screen. I was overwhelmed. The clarity and crispness of these two screens is unbelievable. I can't wait to get to play more tomorrow.

I Was Sick As A Puppy

The title says it all. I was sick worse than I have been in years. The best I can come up with is food poisoning. All I can say is that in the past 30 years I have thrown up once and never again. Even pregnant with Joshua I never threw up. Until Friday night. All was fine until about 1am and I woke up in horrible pain. In order for pain to wake me up and actually bother me it had to be bad and it was. Once I determined that I was not dying from a heart attack or something else the fun started. I spent hours and hours being sick. I finally fell asleep around 5 and then up at 8 to go the work.

The interesting thing about being sick in the middle of the night alone is you think about all kinds of things. At one point I was considering a trip to the ER but crossing the street required way too much energy and I just did not have it. Besides I did not want to leave the kids alone for god knows how long. I also got to thinking about if it would have been better having someone there with me. This thought made me throw up again. So I could only surmise that the answer was probably not.

After downing a bottle of Pepto last night to overcome the nausea again I went to bed and woke up this morning feeling almost myself again. I certainly hope that is all for now. The other thing I realized was that you can tell your body to heal itself but that does not mean that will always do it the way you want it to. I am a avid believer in positive thinking when it comes to getting sick. Anytime co-workers or friends are sick, I simply tell myself that I don't want it and I don't have time for it. This seems to work like a charm since I have not had a cold in over a year and the flu bug or anything else in a really long time. However, I did realize that when you poison yourself you can not turn around and tell your body to get better. Your body will not listen to you at this point. I can't tell you how many times I said "OK, enough already. Let's get over this." I got over it alright after 4 hours of puking. But, this was the only way my body could get over it. It had to remove the toxins from my system.

I also made another startling discovery. Throwing up is disgusting and I never plan to do it again. As of 3 days later, my stomach is finally back to normal and the intense pain is gone. But, every muscle in my body hurts right now. So I am moving very slowly but at least I am moving.

My Confessions

Did you love your ex?: Probably on some level. Because in order to truly dislike someone you have to have loved them first.
What did you last cry over?: No idea
What's the last mistake you made?: Forgot to take a phone number with me and had to get Joshua to go into my email account and get it.
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Joshua
Who last slept in your bed?: Tau and Kali
Were you with them?: Yep
Where do you want to be?: Somewhere pretty and warm with water
Who do you want to be with?: Someone I care about, either family or a friend
Do you honestly love your friends?: Yes, or I would not have them in my life
Who can always make you happy?: Joshua, Tau or Kali
Who do you love to talk to the most?: Phyllis and Gail
Who hates you?: The list is too long to write out
Who do you hate?: I do not hate anyone, I dislike several people
What are you doing right now?: Typing these answers
What are you talents?: Depends on what you are asking
How often do you cry?: Since I became single never
What did you do last night?: Cleaned cages
Would you ever go back out with an ex?: Not in this lifetime
Have you ever used a condom?: Of course
Are you a virgin?: Only in my mind
Is your boyfriend/Girlfriend a virgin?: Don't have either
What's the last movie you watched?: Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Ever been in true love?: Thought so, but I'm not sure
Ever smoked?: Yes
Done drugs?: No
Gotten high?: No
Ever gone running?: Yes
How tall are you?: 5 feet 4 inches
Gone skinny dipping?: Yes
Gone streaking?: No
Played strip poker?: I don't think so
Given a lap dance?: No
Made-out?: Sure, but not lately
Rolled on the ground w/ the opposite sex?: Definately
Bungie Jumped?: No
Sang Kareokee?: No
Been wet with your clothes on?: Yes, last week when I gave Tau & Kali a shower
Seen the opposite sex naked?: Yes and I liked it
Laughed at someone?: 10 minutes ago I laughed at Harold
Looked at someone funny?: Yeah, 10 minutes ago at Harold
Have you had "the talk" with our parents?: Yes I have, they were shocked when I explained the birds and the bees to them
Been touched by the same sex?: No
Looked at porn?: Yes, and I was very confused. I did not realize that anytime I am with another woman we are suppose to have sex. I have missed out on a lot in my sheltered life
Own any thongs?: Nope
Touched a genital of the other sex?: Since I have a kid and am not a virgin, I am going to go with Yes on this.
Thought about sex?: See previous question
Most missed Memory?: My grandparents
Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?: No
What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? I went to dinner with a guy who was 70 and I was 40 so 30 years
Ever been in a car wreck?: Several
Were you popular in high school?: I don't think so
Have you ever been on a blind date? Yes, hated it
Are looks important? To a certain extent
Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? Yep
Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them? Yes
Have you ever made a mistake? Too many to count
Are you a good tipper? Yes, always 20%
What's the most you have spent for a haircut? $125
Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No
Have you ever peed in public? Only in a public restroom
What song do you want played at your funeral? None, I don't want a funeral
Would you tell your parents if you were gay? I did they did not believe me
What would your last meal be before getting executed? Nothing
Beatles or Stones? Neither
If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who? Let's not go there right now
Beer, wine or hard liquor? Neither, they are all bad for you
Do you have any phobias? I am scared to death of cockroachs
What are your plans for the future? To be happy
Do you walk around the house naked? Not usually
If you were an animal what would you be? Whale or Shark
Hair color you like on someone you're dating? No particular color
Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf
What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? Say, Hi kids, Hi girls, Hi Ghosties, Hi Critters.
Do you like horror or comedy? Comedy
Are you missing anyone? My mom
Where do you want to live when you are old? The Beach
Who is the person you can count on the most? Phyllis
If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be? George Clooney
What did you dream last night? I was drugged so nothing
What is your favorite sport to watch? I hate all sports, so nothing
Are you named after anyone? Nope
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? I don't drink alcohol
Non alcoholic drink? Sweet Tea
Do you sing in the shower? No
Have you ever been arrested? No
What is your favorite Holiday? Samhain
Would you ever get plastic surgery? Absolutely, in a heart beat
Have you ever caught a fish? Gross, no

Critter Updates

It’s been awhile since I updated everyone on what the happenings in the sanctuary. So let’s see what is new with the critters. As far as the hamsters go at this moment I have 13 permanent residents and 5 adoptable babies. All of them except the guinea pigs have been moved into the sunroom for the warmer months of the year. They have a lot more room to run around in the evenings and it is easier to keep clean since there is no carpet. All the larger hamsters get out every night between 7:30 and 8:00 to exercise in their balls. Parker likes to corner the girls and try to lick them through the openings. They will spend about an hour running around while I clean cages, feed and water them.

Parker is my male teddy bear hamster who is the sweetest one of all even if he is a bit of a horny guy.

Guinevere is Parker’s sister and like most siblings they do not get along. A few weeks ago both got out at the same time and Parker beat her up. It was not a nice fight poor Guinie came away with several battle wounds.

Sasha is a short haired hamster that was very neglected by her former family. She has some severe issues with food but over the last several months she has gotten much better at letting me pet her and even hold her on occasion. She hordes food because she was not fed on a regular basis in her former home. I have yet to take her stash away from because I am afraid she will freak out. Sasha has severe separation anxiety and if she can hear me in the house she has to be out of her cage. Usually I just open the door and she gets out and runs around on her table and Tommy’s table. Eventually she makes her way to the floor and runs around until I go pick her up and put her back. Once I shut the door and turn the lights out she is okay again.

Kwan Yin or better known as Mamma is a new addition. She was rescued from a breeder that kept her pregnant so they could sell the babies. She is an old girl with lots of battle scars and a tattered ear from an encounter with a cat. Mamma is a very sweet little girl who spends most of her time sleeping. One thing about hamsters that are used as breeders they are never given the chance to be a hamster. So in Mamma’s case she does not know how to do hamster things. She is slowly learning them but for the most part she is happy to sleep in her oatmeal container, but she does enjoy running around in the ball if she is awake when they are out.

Dharma is a new addition as well. She is a tiny black and white mouse that came with Kwan Yin. I don’t really know the story behind Dharma, she is friendly and curious and loves running in her wheel.

Tommy is the only gerbil I have. He is from a neglected home as well and is very neurotic. He does not like to have his home messed with in any way. He likes things his own way. I have had Tommy almost a year and in that time he has yet to let me pet him or hold him. Which is fine, I am okay with respecting their boundaries and if they don’t want to be held I don’t hold them.

Lance and Pandora are my Robo hamsters. They are both from former families that treated them very well. This is an oddity but these guys were loved and cared for by their owners. They just could not keep them for various reasons. Both are great hamsters but like all Robo’s they are very shy and I don’t see them often. Lance runs in his wheel at night or if he is stressed. Panny comes out for fresh fruit or vegetables but pretty much stays in her den until night time.

Lakshmi or Satan as I refer to him most often is a solid black Russian Campbell hamster. He is just a bit bigger than the Robos but smaller than the others. Laki came to me from a movie studio that bought him and his litter mate for a movie. His litter mate was adopted out right away but Laki is mean. He does not like anyone near his cage, in his cage or trying to touch him. So because of his personality issues he can not be adopted out. He has never bitten me, because I don’t give him a chance. But he has a nasty temperament. Laki runs in his wheel an really enjoys running around in his mini ball. He will run over anyone or anything in his path and Tau is usually his main target.

Saturday I picked up 5 baby Russian Campbell hamsters that are four weeks old. They will be adopted out but having 5 babies in the house is like having 5 4 year olds in the house. They sleep a lot but when they are awake they are active and they fight with each other all the time. I have already had to remove the two smallest ones because they kept getting beaten up. Unlike the adult hamsters the babies talk. They squeak when they are upset or being picked on and you can hear it all over the house. So when the squeaking starts I have to go see who is upset and fix the problem. Removing the two little ones stopped a lot of the fighting and they are happier in their own cage.

Zara and Zoe are the guinea pigs. These two ladies are very picky and snotty and prefer to be left to themselves. They are very talkative when it is time for food or they hear the fridge being opened.

Teddy and Swirl are two new piggies that belong to a fellow rescuer who had to find them a home. I could not bear her having to give them to anyone so we took them and I am fostering them until she can take them home. If it never gets to that point they will stay with me. Swirl is an old boy who is blind from cataracts his cage mate is Teddy a furry little girl who really wants to be in with Zara and Zoe but Swirl depends on her for help. Swirl is Kali’s personal friend, she likes to sit by him when the cage is being cleaned and lick him. I have never figured out why, maybe she senses something since he can’t see, she has never tried to hurt him but she did snap at Teddy the other day when she moved really fast.

So as you can see we have a full house and they keep me entertained and busy. I can honestly say I am never bored with this many in the house.

Do You Understand What You Are Reading?

I was really surprised today to find that there are people who read something and never understand what they are reading. Not like a difficult text on geometric math or medical science but something as simple as a blog. They will read into a post on a blog some of the most ludicrous things imaginable.

Point in case, I made a post a few weeks ago that briefly talked about a surgical procedure that I needed to have. The post was not about the procedure but about one of my "imperfections" and my lack of ability to trust people enough to allow them to help care for me. Well in his infinite and always wrong wisdom #3 took that to mean that I was having an abortion. Yes, you read write he assumed that I was pregnant and having an abortion. He said my post insinuated that was what I was having done. Because I talked about driving myself to have an abortion in the post. I re-read the post and your right that was the first thing that popped into my mind when I re-read the line "Several weeks into the pregnancy I had a miscarriage." Little did I know that made educated people believe I was having an abortion. They are so similar and easily confused by those who don't understand what they are reading.

Once I actually got off the floor from laughing my ass off at this; yet, another stupid ass comment from him. My first thought was nowhere near as nice as my southern raising dictates. But, my second thought was more in line with my thinking about him "What do you expect from someone who knows absolutely nothing about anyone other than himself?"

So back to the prospect of me having an abortion. In order for this procedure to take place many things would have to happen first. The most important one would have to be me actually being pregnant. In order to be pregnant, I would have to be having sex, in order to have sex I would have to have a man in my life, in order to have a man in my life I would actually have to take time off work and date someone and since none of these are happening and no angel of god has visited my bedroom in the middle of night to declare that the 2nd coming of Jesus. I can make the educated decision that there is no baby anywhere near my womb nor will there ever be.

But, this goes back to another of his declared sources of wisdom his ability to do astrological charts. As I said before his version of astrology; which I have come to realize is crap; is the bible as far as he is concerned. But according to his astrological chart on me (cause he knows me so well) he thinks that at this point in my life, I have the chart to be very slutty. Yeah, that is so likely to happen. My guess is that this is one of his ways of feeling better about himself. If you tell yourself "She is going to start slutting around, so its a good thing I left her" you feel better about doing it. My guess is that he wishes that would happen. But, that will happen about the same time I get pregnant with baby Jesus.

So for all my friends who know me better than someone I was married to for 7 years you know what my life is like and that if I ever decide to have a child again it will be news worthy and I will definitely blog about it way before I ever do it. But, at 41 I think I will wait for grand kids versus going through pregnancy again.

I'm Still A Snob and Proud of It

As I travel this road of denial, I am relearning more and more about myself as well as learning new things. Even though I am not 100% into it I still have several accounts with online dating sites. They send me emails and I look to see if Mr. Wonderful is online. Alas, he never is. But, I do actually talk to several of them and see what they have to offer. Alas, it is never much.

One thing that I have learned about myself is that I am 100% positive I no longer want to flip over backwards to make someone like me and if I do not like what they are about that is it, there is no more thoughts of “well maybe I could learn to live with it.” I learned the hard way with #3 that thoughts like that only set you up for disaster.

Point in case, I met this nice guy online and right off I was really impressed with him because we actually had several things in common. He loved to travel and his trips were realistic. Not the usual online lies such as; I love to travel to Europe, Asia, Japan, etc. Of course you do everyone does, but who takes those trips on a regular basis? Okay, Deb does; but no one else I know takes these types of trips more than once or twice in a. His emails were more like this, I love to take trips whenever possible to Colorado, Arizona, Santa Fe, Taos, etc. Now this is real travel. It is travel that is easily fit into your schedule and easily do-able. I do these trips pretty regularly myself. So for the first time I thought maybe someone. Then it crashed to the earth like parts of a satellite.

The emails continued on to say that he likes to travel by bus. Yes, you read it right by bus. Who the hell travels by bus? I hesitantly told him that I drive everywhere I go. He suggested I give the bus a try. To be honest, I gagged a little. I responded that I like to drive because it is very therapeutic for me and while driving I get ideas for writing. I also mentioned that I like to take my dogs with me as much as possible. He lost any chance with me when he responded with this… “try the bus it will give you more time to think as you write… Leave the doggies at Home for a change .... Unless it is for a hiking or camping trip.”

There was no need to respond to this email as far as I was concerned it was so over. First of all why would riding the bus give me more time to think? I would be so concerned with who was around me and their energy that I would not be able to think at all. God forbid if there were pygmies (aka: kids) on the bus. Then what? But to suggest that I leave my doggies at home for a change! Are you kidding me? They are part of my entourage they do not get left at home EVER. But, my favorite part was the hiking or camping line. Can you see me taking Tau & Kali hiking or camping? Tau would be stopping every 10 minutes to tell me his feet were dirty. Kali can only walk for about 20 minutes before her full figure is tired. And of course we all know that to me camping is sleeping with the window opened. To suggest that I would ever sleep outside was the insult of all insults. He was forever banned to the "REJECTED" pile.

Shortly after the indignation wore off I realized “Oh my god, I have returned to my pre 2000 ways. I am a complete snob once again. Hallelujah my true spirit was back.” I am a picky, snotty little girl and I love every minute of it. It took my parents 30 years to turn me into the snob I am today and I appreciate it. But, when I moved in 2000 I had to learn to do a lot on my own and under different circumstances and therefore my inner snob was suppressed. But, now she is back and in full force. So no bus trips for me thank you very much. I have very high expectations of what I want in life from men and if they can not give it too me then it is a simple “see ya.” I will find it somewhere else.

Denial

There is an old saying “Denial is not just a river in Egypt”. That is true The Nile is the river in Egypt; denial is just a way to pass time in our mundane lives. One of the things that I have been told to do in order to survive this lifetime with my mind somewhat intact is to stop denying what has happened, what is happening and what will happen. Learn to accept everything for what it is and move on from there. Oh the words of wisdom from spirits guides.

Several months ago when I was visited by a friend who cross over back in 1984 he told me that he was going to help me deal with things in my past that were bad then but due to the denial I considered this a simpler time in my life. The guides want to help me deal with the denial I currently live in with regards to the men I have been acquainted with and the lasting devastation they so politely left me with. For me denial is my personal friend, we get along so well. Why do I need to stop denying things and face what they really were? This will only make me mad. True but according to the guides and my therapist as long as I am in denial about certain aspects of my life, the universe will continue to drop crap on me in order to force me to see what I need to see. My argument is that if I drop the denial and face what is real then I will be angry. I don’t like being angry, Me being angry is never a good option. Depending on who I am angry with it can be down right unsafe. When I am angry at someone, and they have hurt me I will do just about anything to make sure their life is miserable. This is a very odd trait I have, we don’t exactly know where it came from but my guess is lifetimes of having men screw me over. So once I got into a lifetime where women had some power I took full advantage of it. Mostly though I just like to make people physically sick. Another good reason not to live with me. If you piss me off, I can make you spend the night puking your guts out. It is very entertaining for me.

Being in denial makes things happy and pretty and I don’t have to remind myself of how much I hate certain people in this world. In my world of denial there is no hate, just pretty flowers and butterflies. In my world of denial when I get upset I simply banish that annoyance out of my pretty world and POOF they are gone. Its just lovely. In the real world I can’t poof anyone anywhere. I actually have to put up with them. It is so tedious.

So how do I start the process of un-denying the shit in my life? We start with soul retrieval. I take myself to the safe dimension with the help of my therapist and on that dimension I call forth those that I need to take my pieces back from. I have never done this on my own because I can’t trust bringing their juju into my house. I had a hard enough time getting my house cleansed and warded to the level it is now, I certainly did not want to screw that up. So we will be doing this little process in my shrinks office which is neutral to all parties. I am excited and intrigued to see how it will go and what I will learn. Hopefully, it will be a good experience and I can leave everyone who has ever been crappy to me in the past where they belong in the past. My biggest challenge is doing this without allowing my anger to overrule my common sense. Luckily, I live alone so no one should get sick or hurt if I get angry. But, if they do so be it since there are only a two people out there that I dislike enough to do a soul retrieval for. I’ll let everyone know how it goes later on.