I start off this blog by apologizing to everyone for not writing more over the last few weeks. Many of you have inquired when I would be adding new updates and to be honest I plan on doing it everyday. But somehow it goes from 8am to 11pm really fast lately.
In my last post 10 days ago, I told you about going down and filing the divorce papers and how #3 was upset (to put it mildly) about the possibility of losing his dental insurance. Well that worked out to his benefit and he still has his insurance and our divorce was able to proceed.
On Thursday, April 24th I went back downtown and picked up the finalized decree for divorce from the courts. It still amazes me how simple it was. The judge signed the papers on the 17th a little over 24 hours after I filed them. But, I was told to come back a week later. So that part of this nightmare is finally over. 5 days shy of 11 months after I received the now famous “let’s call it a day” letter.
The funny thing is I still do not feel any relief from this whole situation. I do not regret what I had to do, but I thought I would just be over the moon that it was finally over. But I am not. So the last 10 days have been mixed in with working my ass off and coming to some form of clarity about what this is all about. One thing about me is that if I don’t know about something I will find out no matter what it takes.
So I asked the guides for help on understanding what was going on with me and why I was not feeling what I should be feeling. They gave me two options 1. I could get the brief abridged version or 2. I could get the long version that takes days to explain and get through to my brain. My question of course was “What’s the difference?” Their answer: “The abridge version will satisfy your immediate need for an answer but there will be no clarity and you will eventually want the complete answer. Plus, you also run the risk of attracting someone else with the same qualities and issues since you will not know how to recognize them right off. The second option would be a bit more painful emotionally but once you know it you will not have to deal with it again.”
Well you know me and my love for anything painful, I chose door number two. The first thing they told me was to continue my research into NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, since I love medical terminology and anything to do with behavioral health their thought was once I completely understood the disorder I would understand the relationship and break up more clearly.
Their next lesson is getting me to accept what happened and letting it go. As long as I hold onto it nothing will change for me. But as many of you know that when you hurt me I proceed to plan your torture for the next several years. I personally, think I was Henry VIII in a past life. I like torture too much.
And my last task is to learn to love again and trust again. They agree this may take some time but they are willing to wait. I reminded them that I do not want any love interests in my life anymore but they also reminded me that as a human it is in our very DNA to have a partner in life to love and grow with, someone to share things with and to be with on a level you can not be with friends. When that did not go over they used a cruel example. They asked me to remember what Tau was like before we got Kali as his companion. He was lonely, sad, distracted and hyper and wanted constant attention from anyone he did not care who it was. That was a low blow even for them. But, they made their point. My interpretation was that if we do not allow ourselves to have people in our lives that we can love and trust we invite people that are not worthy of us into our lives. This apparently has been a problem for me since day one. I do not naturally trust people, it takes a very long time for me to trust someone enough to let them get to know me. In fact #3 was the first person ever allowed to know me on this level. I have 1 person in my life at this very point that probably knows me better than anyone else and that is because one we have had many past lives together (apparently one very disturbing life in New Orleans that we are just figure out) and two because she is amazingly physic and knows things about me without me telling her. It was scary at first but I have learned to accept it for the gift that it is. Anyway, when I do not trust people I just allow them into my life with the thought that I will never trust them so what’s the problem with them being there. Know before you get your panties twisted I am not talking about friends, I am talking about love interests. Think about it for a second, your lover knows things about you that your friends will never know. You share a very intimate time with that person and hopefully you do not have the same relationship with your friends because that is wrong. So all my friends out there don’t get twisted thinking I don’t trust you, because I do. But, I also don’t tell you about my fantasy since that is…well…just gross. Does that make any sense?
So at this point I have agreed that somewhere down the road (not tomorrow or the next day) I will accept the possibility of having another relationship. I will never accept the possibility of getting married again and they agreed to this. So as I proceed forward with my lessons I will continue to keep you updated.
As I mentioned in the previous post I started the process of divorce. Tuesday #3 and I met and had all the papers notarized at the bank and at 8:15 am on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 I had officially filed for divorce. This has been the hardest post to write to date. It has taken me almost a week to figure out how to put it into words. So here I go...
What I was not prepared for was the overwhelming sense of lose that I was hit with afterwards. I know it sounds weird, and I thought I was prepared. But, I honestly could not talk to anyone for 24 hours afterwards. I was emotionally devastated. I had told my parents the night before what I was doing and I sent an email to my family and let them know what I was doing so I did not need to talk to them.
In a weird way, I guess I thought he would turn into my knight in shining armor and beg me not to do it and confess his love for me. And that did not happen. In fact he did not even call me that day, he did eventually email me with a quick note something to the effect of "Did you file the papers today or not". My dream for the perfect love was gone and the worst part was my heart was so broken. I did not think I could hurt anymore than I have over the past year but guess what I could. He eventually called on Thursday, leaving a message saying "I hope you are well and things are okay with you." I wanted to kill him at this point. No I was not well and no things were not okay with me. But did he give a rat's ass? Fuck No. All he cared about was what was going on in his life. His precious life that is so fucking important to only him. Okay, enough ranting.
Friday, started off with him threatening to cancel the divorce. Now, before you get your hopes up it is not because he had an overwhelming sense of love for me and all that he was losing. No No friends it was because he was afraid he would lose his dental insurance. Yes, you read right, his dental insurance that is through Cobra and Mesa. He was livid with me and was threatening to tell the courts that I lied to him about what he was signing so that he could get the divorced canceled and save his insurance.
At this point, I have never in my life hated anyone more than I hated him. After being abused by #2 for years I never hated him that much. I have been through a week of emotional hell because of him and he only cares about his dental insurance. Which by the way, he would not have if it was not for me putting him on my plan in the first place.
I was able to gather my senses and get to work, with no help from him. Since he does not have to work for a living he has no idea what it is like to have to spend the next 12-14 hours working when your life is being torn apart. But, then again, his life was fine other than a moment of panic thinking he did not have insurance so the world was just right for him. Screw anyone else we are mere peons in this life compared to this omni important greatness.
I spent the day trying to figure out how I let this happen to me AGAIN. Where did I find this person who would thrive on making my life miserable? Based on some information I already knew I spent the better part of Friday researching his personality type and finding out how to survive when they toss you aside. I then spent the better part of Saturday, driving around town and becoming very enlightened to exactly what type of personality he has.
So to make a long ranting short, the paperwork will be finalized and ready to pick up on Thursday. For those of you who read a post I put up Friday called "Don't Piss Me Off" you will notice it is not there any longer. I was in the mood for vengeance and I still am. However, my guides pointed out that the gist of the posting was good and right on, however, it would not affect him in anyway but it would hurt other people out there that did not deserve that pain. So based on their guidance I removed that post.
First off I wanted to have it done on April 16 since that was the 8th anniversary of #3 proposing to me. It felt right to stop something on the day it started. It was actually a very easy process which took me totally by surprise. I simply filed out papers, we each signed them and I went to the courthouse and gave them $137 dollars and I was done. Lord, in Texas you do the paperwork and you have to wait 60-90 days then go before a judge and plead your case. I guess New Mexico assumes that if you have gone to the trouble of filling out the forms and getting them notarized you are serious.
What I was not prepared for was the overwhelming sense of lose that I was hit with afterwards. I know it sounds weird, and I thought I was prepared. But, I honestly could not talk to anyone for 24 hours afterwards. I was emotionally devastated. I had told my parents the night before what I was doing and I sent an email to my family and let them know what I was doing so I did not need to talk to them.
In a weird way, I guess I thought he would turn into my knight in shining armor and beg me not to do it and confess his love for me. And that did not happen. In fact he did not even call me that day, he did eventually email me with a quick note something to the effect of "Did you file the papers today or not". My dream for the perfect love was gone and the worst part was my heart was so broken. I did not think I could hurt anymore than I have over the past year but guess what I could. He eventually called on Thursday, leaving a message saying "I hope you are well and things are okay with you." I wanted to kill him at this point. No I was not well and no things were not okay with me. But did he give a rat's ass? Fuck No. All he cared about was what was going on in his life. His precious life that is so fucking important to only him. Okay, enough ranting.
Friday, started off with him threatening to cancel the divorce. Now, before you get your hopes up it is not because he had an overwhelming sense of love for me and all that he was losing. No No friends it was because he was afraid he would lose his dental insurance. Yes, you read right, his dental insurance that is through Cobra and Mesa. He was livid with me and was threatening to tell the courts that I lied to him about what he was signing so that he could get the divorced canceled and save his insurance.
At this point, I have never in my life hated anyone more than I hated him. After being abused by #2 for years I never hated him that much. I have been through a week of emotional hell because of him and he only cares about his dental insurance. Which by the way, he would not have if it was not for me putting him on my plan in the first place.
I was able to gather my senses and get to work, with no help from him. Since he does not have to work for a living he has no idea what it is like to have to spend the next 12-14 hours working when your life is being torn apart. But, then again, his life was fine other than a moment of panic thinking he did not have insurance so the world was just right for him. Screw anyone else we are mere peons in this life compared to this omni important greatness.
I spent the day trying to figure out how I let this happen to me AGAIN. Where did I find this person who would thrive on making my life miserable? Based on some information I already knew I spent the better part of Friday researching his personality type and finding out how to survive when they toss you aside. I then spent the better part of Saturday, driving around town and becoming very enlightened to exactly what type of personality he has.
So to make a long ranting short, the paperwork will be finalized and ready to pick up on Thursday. For those of you who read a post I put up Friday called "Don't Piss Me Off" you will notice it is not there any longer. I was in the mood for vengeance and I still am. However, my guides pointed out that the gist of the posting was good and right on, however, it would not affect him in anyway but it would hurt other people out there that did not deserve that pain. So based on their guidance I removed that post.
This has been a very eventful week so I am going to go one post at a time. We will start with Sunday night. As I mentioned before, I had a talk with Z and the Boys about my level of tolerance and how I was running low on tolerance. I had asked that for the time being any lessons or information I needed to receive be nice and quiet. No more R rated violent movies for dreams to get a point across.
Sunday nights dream was far from R rated. It was more of a G rated movie like Benji. Remember the Benji movies from the 70's. The scruffy little dog that everyone loved and he was always saving the kids to some 70's sentimental instrumental music. And no matter how hard you tried you ended up crying through them. That is what my dream was like just without the music. THANK YOU GOD!
My dream started out with me driving to work on the freeway. I should have stopped there because I never get on the freeway to go to work. But I digress, on the way to work I saw a dog on the side of the road and I thought "Ah, poor thing got hit by a car" But, no he sat up so I pulled over to save him. It was the cutest little beagle and I picked him up and put him in the car with me. As I started to drive I really looked at the dog and he was small beagle and so sweet. And this was my dream, I drove around and around and around all night trying to figure out what to do with this beagle. He was too sweet to just dump off somewhere and besides I would never do that. I knew I could not take him home, Tau and Kali would never allow that. So what do I do with this dog?
Folks, this was my dream all night. By the time I woke up I was exhausted. And instead of taking the dream for what it was I just let it go. But later in the day it started bugging me, the dog obviously stood for something but what? Sometimes I can be very slow.
Well later in the day I got an email from #3 with information he wanted to do for the divorce. BAM there was my beagle. I had been carrying around my idea of divorce for 11 months now and it was time to do the deed. This was my beagle and it was time to find him a new home.
So that is what I did. Tuesday morning I sat down and went online (divorces are so modern now) I printed all the papers and filled in the information. It was actually a lot easier than I had previously thought. I think I had convinced myself it was a very time consuming and tedious process and therefore i was allowing myself to put it off. But the paperwork was very simple they ask names, address, what do you want, what does he want and do you agree. Once you fill in the blanks you are half way done. #3 and I met at the bank on Tuesday and had the papers notarized and I was now 75% done. All I had to do was go downtown and file them.
The next post will go into details about the filing and the aftermath. Also in case you forgot, this is what Benji looks like. Isn't he cute and definitely worth crying over.
Sunday nights dream was far from R rated. It was more of a G rated movie like Benji. Remember the Benji movies from the 70's. The scruffy little dog that everyone loved and he was always saving the kids to some 70's sentimental instrumental music. And no matter how hard you tried you ended up crying through them. That is what my dream was like just without the music. THANK YOU GOD!
My dream started out with me driving to work on the freeway. I should have stopped there because I never get on the freeway to go to work. But I digress, on the way to work I saw a dog on the side of the road and I thought "Ah, poor thing got hit by a car" But, no he sat up so I pulled over to save him. It was the cutest little beagle and I picked him up and put him in the car with me. As I started to drive I really looked at the dog and he was small beagle and so sweet. And this was my dream, I drove around and around and around all night trying to figure out what to do with this beagle. He was too sweet to just dump off somewhere and besides I would never do that. I knew I could not take him home, Tau and Kali would never allow that. So what do I do with this dog?
Folks, this was my dream all night. By the time I woke up I was exhausted. And instead of taking the dream for what it was I just let it go. But later in the day it started bugging me, the dog obviously stood for something but what? Sometimes I can be very slow.
Well later in the day I got an email from #3 with information he wanted to do for the divorce. BAM there was my beagle. I had been carrying around my idea of divorce for 11 months now and it was time to do the deed. This was my beagle and it was time to find him a new home.
So that is what I did. Tuesday morning I sat down and went online (divorces are so modern now) I printed all the papers and filled in the information. It was actually a lot easier than I had previously thought. I think I had convinced myself it was a very time consuming and tedious process and therefore i was allowing myself to put it off. But the paperwork was very simple they ask names, address, what do you want, what does he want and do you agree. Once you fill in the blanks you are half way done. #3 and I met at the bank on Tuesday and had the papers notarized and I was now 75% done. All I had to do was go downtown and file them.
The next post will go into details about the filing and the aftermath. Also in case you forgot, this is what Benji looks like. Isn't he cute and definitely worth crying over.
1. Baby Princess Danae and her Easter Basket from Aunt Cindy
2. Joseph and Devin with their Easter Baskets from Aunt Cindy
3. Happy New Family, Jeremiah, Rossland and Baby Jossiah
4. Proud Daddy and Pap-pa with baby Jossiah
5. Don't you just want to eat him with a spoon.
6. Cutest little Easter Bunny ever, Jossiah Nadan DePaul
I have to say this has been one of the longest weeks I have had in a long time. My new job is good but busy, and I work non stop from the minute I arrive in the morning until I leave in the afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it, I am just tired. I noticed I was getting lines around my eyes and I had dark circles under them. This was not a good thing. But, as it always happens Friday comes and the week is over.
I started my Friday off late, because I was bone ass tired. Then I remembered I had a hair appointment today, so that helped. I love getting my hair cut, which is a new thing for me. You see every since I was old enough to know I have hated people messing with my head and my neck. I can only guess it was a past life issues, anyway, Jon has been cutting my hair for about 3 years now and he always does a great job. The best part about it, I do not have to do a thing. He does his magic without me telling him anything. Oh, he always asks when I get there "What are we going to do today?" I always laugh and tell him "I don't care, whatever." And then we just gab for the next hour or so. Next week I get it colored. I am actually looking forward to it. It is just one thing in my busy week that I do not have to make a decision on. I just let someone else deal with it. Life is good.
Another good thing was getting pictures from my Mom in the mail. She sent pics of the new nephew and of the others with their Easter Baskets from Aunt Cindy. So enjoy them and just coo over baby Jossiah because he is just the cutest little chocolate bunny ever.
I started my Friday off late, because I was bone ass tired. Then I remembered I had a hair appointment today, so that helped. I love getting my hair cut, which is a new thing for me. You see every since I was old enough to know I have hated people messing with my head and my neck. I can only guess it was a past life issues, anyway, Jon has been cutting my hair for about 3 years now and he always does a great job. The best part about it, I do not have to do a thing. He does his magic without me telling him anything. Oh, he always asks when I get there "What are we going to do today?" I always laugh and tell him "I don't care, whatever." And then we just gab for the next hour or so. Next week I get it colored. I am actually looking forward to it. It is just one thing in my busy week that I do not have to make a decision on. I just let someone else deal with it. Life is good.
Another good thing was getting pictures from my Mom in the mail. She sent pics of the new nephew and of the others with their Easter Baskets from Aunt Cindy. So enjoy them and just coo over baby Jossiah because he is just the cutest little chocolate bunny ever.
Things are starting to get a bit better for me as the week progresses. I am still having difficulty with emotions and being sensitive to everything. It really is getting a bit annoying but such is life.
As I have mentioned in the past when you work with your guides you have to be prepared for just about anything. You also have to be prepared to tell them to stop once in awhile. My guides are a great source of help for me in many ways. They have helped me reach a part of myself that I had closed off many years ago, they have shown me how to open up and trust people; even if it did not turn out the way I wanted it to. They also stopped me from going back into my reclusive self when #3 dumped me. My first initial reaction was "Great, I trust someone completely and you see what happens?" I was ready to go back to living my life completely on my own without allowing myself to rely on another person. But they stopped that by reminding me that by reverting to my old ways I would halt any enlightenment that I have already achieved and I would have wasted the last several years. Now, I don't know if that is necessarily true or not but it did make me stop and think about it and I decided that I like who I am now much more than who I was. I learned about a thing called "selective trusting" which for me means that I do not have to trust everyone I know or met (because no matter how loose I have become it will never happen) but I learned to use my own instincts and know who I can trust and rely on.
So after getting all this I felt it was time once again to talk to Z and the Boys about my limitations. I know we all want to think we can handle anything tossed at us and most of the time we can. But once in awhile I get thrown into overload. The last time this happened the only way I could deal with it was by sending the guides on a sabbatical for a few days. This meant that until I called on them they were not allowed to communicate with me, I needed a break. However, this time I did not want to send them away I want them to learn just like I do.
So I sat down last night and got all quiet and respectful (stop laughing, I can do that you know). I started out by thanking them for everything they do for me everyday and for all the lessons they have taught me. I once again explained the difference between a multi dimensional being; such as themselves and a human. They do not require rest and nourishment whereas humans do. They can take on information 24/7 whereas humans can not. They are not emotionally attached to those in their lives; whereas we are.
I had to tell them that I understand what they are trying to get across about #3 and me. I understand that it is not longer a viable option for us to be together. This has all been made clear to me. But by inundating me with dreams in order to remind me what it was like does not help. I had to explain that by messing with my emotions they are pushing me to a my breaking point very quickly. They did not understand what "breaking point" meant. So I told them that my breaking point is where I actually go nuts and start wigging out. I could just envision the odd looks they were giving one another at these words. But, I told them that I can only be pushed so far before I can not take anymore. And when I get to that point the only way to fix it is to send them away so that I can rest. I do not want to do this, I am lonely without them there.
After some serious discussion on my part about their new limits they have agreed to keep the love lessons out until they really think I need to be reminded. I have agreed to inform them when I start to feel overwhelmed by their teachings.
I learned that just because they are my guides does not mean they know everything about me. They have to be taught what they can and can not do or they will never learn. So we will see how this new agreement works for the next few weeks. I am sure I will update everyone in a new post later on.
Happy Monday my fellow readers; today is Monday in a true sense of the word. My weekend was pretty uneventful, nothing much happened; I stayed at home and piddled around doing this and that. I spring cleaned my closet and took out most of my winter wear and either put it away for now or donated it to Goodwill.
I had some very odd dreams over the weekend that really bugged me. I am a firm believer in dreams, to me they are my minds way of helping me work through problems, see something that I refuse to see or they are just screwing with my head. The head screwing ones are the easiest to pick out they make absolutely no sense at all. The other ones I will wake up and know that I need to remember that dream and pay attention to it for future reference.
Friday night I had a few dreams but the one that stands out as one I needed to remember was about a family member of mine that has died. They are still alive but in the dream they died. As a funeral student I was a bit too interested in the aspects of the body preparation but I quickly got guided off that topic and onto the one I should be paying attention to. I am not going to go into great detail about it because it still upsets me a bit. But, when I woke up and called on my guides they assured me that the person was still alive and was going to stay that way for the time being. My problem was dreaming about their death did not seem wrong, it felt right. Like this is what was suppose to happen. Now remember, dreaming about death does not necessarily mean someone physically dies. It could mean that their spirit is dying, their happiness is dying, their livelihood is dying, etc. There are many forms of death that can occur besides the final one.
What I got from this dream was that something was obviously not right with this person, it has not been right for along time. I took away that I need to call them and let them talk to me about what is going on in their life, let them tell me what could be the possible cause of their “death”. I also need to let them know that I am here for anything at anytime. One thing I try to instill in my family and friends is that they can think of my house as a sanctuary. It is far away from everyone in the family and they can come to my house and stay there while they get their thoughts and bearings back on track. I know I talk about how it would be awful to have my family drop in but in reality I think that is what I am doing out here in the middle of nowhere. I have created a place that people can come to and relax, rejuvenate and talk without me judging them or their actions.
Saturdays dream was a bit different but just as disturbing to me. In the dream #3 and I are still together and our life is pretty happy. He goes on a mission to find the perfect place for us to live and does a great job of it. I have to say that I love it when I dream of places I will live because then my imagination is set free and I come up with some great places. He found a 4 bedroom apartment that was bigger than most houses I have seen. But the best part was my bathroom; it was huge and all marble. With a massive tub and lots of lights, it was fabulous. The dream went on just great and when I woke up in those few minutes where I am still on the dream plane but just about to cross over I usually talk to the guides about the day. But this time I didn’t I just relaxed in the feeling left from the dream and let that carry me awake. BAD DECISION – VERY BAD DECISION.
Why you ask was that a bad decision? I just allowed myself to see something that I would have loved to had but it was something that will never happened. I woke up actually expecting to see #3 lying next to me and when it was empty that feeling of depression and sadness came over me. It was awful. This is not the first dream of its kind that I have had lately. A few nights ago I had a dream about #3 and me and we were doing our usual thing of running around together doing errands. It was a great dream everything was going good, we were getting along and laughing and just enjoying being together. Then out of the blue, on a whim, he turned. He became the angry, nasty person he turned into at the end. He started yelling at me, calling me all kinds of nasty things, telling me everything he disliked about me and my feelings dropped. I was over come by sadness, and when I say sadness I am not talking the sadness you get when your favorite show is over for the season. I am talking about the earth shattering, life ending, giving up sadness that you feel when something you really wanted and loved falls apart.
I was upset and really confused as to why I was having these dreams. I did not understand it, I sat down for a heart to heart with Z and instead of being my usual demanding belligerent person I was just quiet. When I am truly confused about something and I put a lot of energy into solving it, I get very quiet and reserved. I know you are shocked, Cindy quiet and reserved, who would figure that one. But, alas it is true. Z knowing my moods that he does also knows this is not the time to talk like a fortune cookie nor is it the time to be harsh. He has explained this process to me many times in the past few months, but it still does not go over very well with me.
His explanation is that there is a very small amount of time left for each person to achieve the level of enlightenment they are going to achieve in this lifetime. The window of opportunity is closing quickly. In order to keep me on track they like to give me reminders of why I am where I am. If I start to get to comfortable in a certain area of my life that I need to stay out of they will give me a swift kick in the ass to bring me around again. It is usually very harsh but the point is made.
So the point of the dreams is not to upset me but to prepare me for what will happen in the future. They are very adamant that when and if #3 and I ever decide to try again that I make the right decision. They continue to keep my level of distrust up by continuing to show me what the relationship was all about and if and when we ever do try again it will not turn out any different. To them this is a perfect way to solve a problem. Much like when you try to teach a dog to stay out of the trash. Every time he gets near the trash bin you do something unpleasant to scare him off until eventually he stays away. To them I am the dog and #3 is the trash bin.
I had some very odd dreams over the weekend that really bugged me. I am a firm believer in dreams, to me they are my minds way of helping me work through problems, see something that I refuse to see or they are just screwing with my head. The head screwing ones are the easiest to pick out they make absolutely no sense at all. The other ones I will wake up and know that I need to remember that dream and pay attention to it for future reference.
Friday night I had a few dreams but the one that stands out as one I needed to remember was about a family member of mine that has died. They are still alive but in the dream they died. As a funeral student I was a bit too interested in the aspects of the body preparation but I quickly got guided off that topic and onto the one I should be paying attention to. I am not going to go into great detail about it because it still upsets me a bit. But, when I woke up and called on my guides they assured me that the person was still alive and was going to stay that way for the time being. My problem was dreaming about their death did not seem wrong, it felt right. Like this is what was suppose to happen. Now remember, dreaming about death does not necessarily mean someone physically dies. It could mean that their spirit is dying, their happiness is dying, their livelihood is dying, etc. There are many forms of death that can occur besides the final one.
What I got from this dream was that something was obviously not right with this person, it has not been right for along time. I took away that I need to call them and let them talk to me about what is going on in their life, let them tell me what could be the possible cause of their “death”. I also need to let them know that I am here for anything at anytime. One thing I try to instill in my family and friends is that they can think of my house as a sanctuary. It is far away from everyone in the family and they can come to my house and stay there while they get their thoughts and bearings back on track. I know I talk about how it would be awful to have my family drop in but in reality I think that is what I am doing out here in the middle of nowhere. I have created a place that people can come to and relax, rejuvenate and talk without me judging them or their actions.
Saturdays dream was a bit different but just as disturbing to me. In the dream #3 and I are still together and our life is pretty happy. He goes on a mission to find the perfect place for us to live and does a great job of it. I have to say that I love it when I dream of places I will live because then my imagination is set free and I come up with some great places. He found a 4 bedroom apartment that was bigger than most houses I have seen. But the best part was my bathroom; it was huge and all marble. With a massive tub and lots of lights, it was fabulous. The dream went on just great and when I woke up in those few minutes where I am still on the dream plane but just about to cross over I usually talk to the guides about the day. But this time I didn’t I just relaxed in the feeling left from the dream and let that carry me awake. BAD DECISION – VERY BAD DECISION.
Why you ask was that a bad decision? I just allowed myself to see something that I would have loved to had but it was something that will never happened. I woke up actually expecting to see #3 lying next to me and when it was empty that feeling of depression and sadness came over me. It was awful. This is not the first dream of its kind that I have had lately. A few nights ago I had a dream about #3 and me and we were doing our usual thing of running around together doing errands. It was a great dream everything was going good, we were getting along and laughing and just enjoying being together. Then out of the blue, on a whim, he turned. He became the angry, nasty person he turned into at the end. He started yelling at me, calling me all kinds of nasty things, telling me everything he disliked about me and my feelings dropped. I was over come by sadness, and when I say sadness I am not talking the sadness you get when your favorite show is over for the season. I am talking about the earth shattering, life ending, giving up sadness that you feel when something you really wanted and loved falls apart.
I was upset and really confused as to why I was having these dreams. I did not understand it, I sat down for a heart to heart with Z and instead of being my usual demanding belligerent person I was just quiet. When I am truly confused about something and I put a lot of energy into solving it, I get very quiet and reserved. I know you are shocked, Cindy quiet and reserved, who would figure that one. But, alas it is true. Z knowing my moods that he does also knows this is not the time to talk like a fortune cookie nor is it the time to be harsh. He has explained this process to me many times in the past few months, but it still does not go over very well with me.
His explanation is that there is a very small amount of time left for each person to achieve the level of enlightenment they are going to achieve in this lifetime. The window of opportunity is closing quickly. In order to keep me on track they like to give me reminders of why I am where I am. If I start to get to comfortable in a certain area of my life that I need to stay out of they will give me a swift kick in the ass to bring me around again. It is usually very harsh but the point is made.
So the point of the dreams is not to upset me but to prepare me for what will happen in the future. They are very adamant that when and if #3 and I ever decide to try again that I make the right decision. They continue to keep my level of distrust up by continuing to show me what the relationship was all about and if and when we ever do try again it will not turn out any different. To them this is a perfect way to solve a problem. Much like when you try to teach a dog to stay out of the trash. Every time he gets near the trash bin you do something unpleasant to scare him off until eventually he stays away. To them I am the dog and #3 is the trash bin.
It is now officially April, big whop right? For me April has some pretty tough dates in it which I have never really thought about until now. First off April 6th is when my divorce to #2 was finalized. Not a really big deal but a day in April none the less. April 16th is the day #3 proposed to me and that holds more meaning for me than April 6th.
Even though I am progressing in the process of healing from the relationship with #3 I can’t help but look back on certain events with fond memories. I would love to be able to add some sort of negative effect to this memory but no matter how hard I try I can’t do it. Not because the day is so special too me but because it was actually a great weekend and there really was not anything that went wrong. Damn I hate when that happens.
What I find interesting about this whole break up/divorce thing is how I can go for weeks and be great; I am happy, content, doing my own thing. Then out of the blue here comes this melancholy that will not go away. It is so ridiculous that I am almost ashamed to admit it. But, I wake up fine, get dressed fine and leave the house. But, somewhere between closing the front door and turning on my office light I starting reliving the past. The weather outside reminds me of the weather at home, stupid shit like that. Then I get mad at myself for allowing my heart to over rule my brain once again. I think part of this has to do with Joshua going back home. I always fall into a slump when he leaves and it takes me several weeks to get over it. Once I am in that slump anything is game for triggering my wallowing in self pity mood.
So in order to shake myself out of wallowing I decided to do a little research and find out all the bad things that have happened in April so that I can balance the scale’s so to speak. She here is my list of the “Evils of April”
April 1 – Aprils Fools Day; what the hell is up with this. Someone decided it would be funny to just pick a day to screw with other peoples heads.
Even though I am progressing in the process of healing from the relationship with #3 I can’t help but look back on certain events with fond memories. I would love to be able to add some sort of negative effect to this memory but no matter how hard I try I can’t do it. Not because the day is so special too me but because it was actually a great weekend and there really was not anything that went wrong. Damn I hate when that happens.
What I find interesting about this whole break up/divorce thing is how I can go for weeks and be great; I am happy, content, doing my own thing. Then out of the blue here comes this melancholy that will not go away. It is so ridiculous that I am almost ashamed to admit it. But, I wake up fine, get dressed fine and leave the house. But, somewhere between closing the front door and turning on my office light I starting reliving the past. The weather outside reminds me of the weather at home, stupid shit like that. Then I get mad at myself for allowing my heart to over rule my brain once again. I think part of this has to do with Joshua going back home. I always fall into a slump when he leaves and it takes me several weeks to get over it. Once I am in that slump anything is game for triggering my wallowing in self pity mood.
So in order to shake myself out of wallowing I decided to do a little research and find out all the bad things that have happened in April so that I can balance the scale’s so to speak. She here is my list of the “Evils of April”
April 1 – Aprils Fools Day; what the hell is up with this. Someone decided it would be funny to just pick a day to screw with other peoples heads.
April 2, 1995 -Sunday New York Times raises price from $2.00 to $2.50. Like the New York Times needs more money
April 3, 1856 - Gunpowder in church explodes killing 4,000 in Rhodos. Your day can’t get much worse than this. Do you think that those actually in the church went straight to heaven without having to check in with St. Peter? I mean seriously folks they got blown up at church that is just wrong in my book.
April 4, 1918 – Food riots in Amsterdam. Don’t they have legalized marijuana in Amsterdam? My guess they were all high and did not have any potato chips for their munchies. I see the need for the riots.
April 5, 1896 1st modern Olympic Games officially opens in Athens: And our television schedule is still being interrupted 112 years later so we can watch. Thanks a lot.
April 6, 1968 Gunpowder stocks at a sporting-goods store explode, killing 43 (Va). Again with the gunpowder.
April 7, 1997 Howard Stern Radio Show premieres in Ft. Myers Florida on WRXK 96.1 FM. This does not even need to be explained why it is bad.
April 8, 1991 Michael Landon announces he has inoperable cancer of pancreas. Who’s life was the same after losing Charles Ingles? Not mine.
April 9, 1865 Robert E. Lee and 26,765 troops, surrender to U.S. Grant at Appomattox. Apparently one of my ancestors surrender his “musical instrument” and I want it back.
April 10, 1972 7.0 earthquake kills 1/5 of population of Iranian province of Fars. So much for April Showers bringing May Flowers, I think it just shook the crap out of them.
THE DISASTER DIJOUR:
APRIL 15, 1912 AT 2:27 A.M. THE RMS TITANIC SINKS OFF THE COAST OF NEWFOUNDLAND. Poor Jack and Rose never to know the love they found aboard the “ship of dreams”.
Okay, I am feeling better now, I have convinced myself that good always has bad even if we can’t find it without looking. And to think I did not even have to go through the entire month to get enough disasters to feel better. My life is good. I have decided that from now on whenever I am with a guy (If that ever happens again) and we are having a nice time, I swear I am going to find one negative aspect to put down just in case I need it for future references.
APRIL 15, 1912 AT 2:27 A.M. THE RMS TITANIC SINKS OFF THE COAST OF NEWFOUNDLAND. Poor Jack and Rose never to know the love they found aboard the “ship of dreams”.
Okay, I am feeling better now, I have convinced myself that good always has bad even if we can’t find it without looking. And to think I did not even have to go through the entire month to get enough disasters to feel better. My life is good. I have decided that from now on whenever I am with a guy (If that ever happens again) and we are having a nice time, I swear I am going to find one negative aspect to put down just in case I need it for future references.
That title sure sounds ominous doesn't it? But it is not really meant to be. I made a comment yesterday to #3 that it is not good being sentimental. He just laughed it off as he does most anything I say to him. In order for him to take anything I say seriously he would have to stop and actually listen to what I have to say. In our 7 years of being together that never happened. I use to laugh and tell him he only had 10 years to learn how to listen to me. Boy, if only I knew how true those words were.
Women are very sentimental, we always have been. We save the weirdest things to look back on down the road. I know everyone reading this who is a mother has one of a few things that belonged to their baby, a lock of hair, their first baby tooth, copies of their footprints, and some who are odder than me may even have their umbilical cord that fell off. Why do we save these things? So that when our babies are 20 years old and off at college we can look through their baby book and remember the days that have gone by.
Now here is a question for you and be honest. How many of you look back on those days and are glad they are gone? None of us do, we look back on those days and wish we were still there. Staying up all hours of the night with a crying baby, walking them, bouncing them, begging them to please go to sleep; but 20 years later those are the good memories we have of them. As we get older we start saving more things, we save every card our children give us, every art project they do in school (grades Pre-K through 12th); we save every invitation they received to parties; basically we save EVERYTHING.
Now here is another question for you and again honestly only. How many fathers are out there that have saved these things? Not many, I will admit there are a few fathers out there that are sentimental but they are few and far between.
As the kids grow up the boys wander off and don't think about saving anything (except baseball cards, pokemon cards, cards of every shape and size) the girls on the other hand see what mom did and they start creating their own sentimental items. A teenage girl will start saving all her mementos from her school days, from girl scouts, and pretty much anything she does between the ages of 12 and 18. Every note any boy wrote her be it a good one or a bad one. They will save flowers, dried up and dead but full of memories of young love. How do I know this? I know this because I did this and just recently went through and trash all that crap.
What brought up this subject for me was, several years ago when Disney put out the movie "Lilo and Stitch" I fell in love with it (and just a note, the Spanish version is just as hysterical as the English version) I think I loved it so much because I truly feel that Stitch is my alter ego in the alien universe. But anyway, based on my love for the movie #3 and I started collecting the Stitch character. Every time we went to the mall and back in the good days that was usually once a week. We would go to the Disney store and see what they had. Now I was a good shopper and waited for them to go on sale or clearance before I got them. Over time friends would bring them back to me from their trips to the mall or Disneyland and Disneyworld. It was a fun thing to collect. We had a special "Stitch Shelf" that was used to hold the various things we had gotten.
Women are very sentimental, we always have been. We save the weirdest things to look back on down the road. I know everyone reading this who is a mother has one of a few things that belonged to their baby, a lock of hair, their first baby tooth, copies of their footprints, and some who are odder than me may even have their umbilical cord that fell off. Why do we save these things? So that when our babies are 20 years old and off at college we can look through their baby book and remember the days that have gone by.
Now here is a question for you and be honest. How many of you look back on those days and are glad they are gone? None of us do, we look back on those days and wish we were still there. Staying up all hours of the night with a crying baby, walking them, bouncing them, begging them to please go to sleep; but 20 years later those are the good memories we have of them. As we get older we start saving more things, we save every card our children give us, every art project they do in school (grades Pre-K through 12th); we save every invitation they received to parties; basically we save EVERYTHING.
Now here is another question for you and again honestly only. How many fathers are out there that have saved these things? Not many, I will admit there are a few fathers out there that are sentimental but they are few and far between.
As the kids grow up the boys wander off and don't think about saving anything (except baseball cards, pokemon cards, cards of every shape and size) the girls on the other hand see what mom did and they start creating their own sentimental items. A teenage girl will start saving all her mementos from her school days, from girl scouts, and pretty much anything she does between the ages of 12 and 18. Every note any boy wrote her be it a good one or a bad one. They will save flowers, dried up and dead but full of memories of young love. How do I know this? I know this because I did this and just recently went through and trash all that crap.
What brought up this subject for me was, several years ago when Disney put out the movie "Lilo and Stitch" I fell in love with it (and just a note, the Spanish version is just as hysterical as the English version) I think I loved it so much because I truly feel that Stitch is my alter ego in the alien universe. But anyway, based on my love for the movie #3 and I started collecting the Stitch character. Every time we went to the mall and back in the good days that was usually once a week. We would go to the Disney store and see what they had. Now I was a good shopper and waited for them to go on sale or clearance before I got them. Over time friends would bring them back to me from their trips to the mall or Disneyland and Disneyworld. It was a fun thing to collect. We had a special "Stitch Shelf" that was used to hold the various things we had gotten.
When we separated I packed them up in boxes and put them in the storage shed and that is where they have lived for the past 10 months. While Joshua was here last week we were clearing out some of the many things he has collected and I remembered that I wanted to get rid of the Stitches but #3 wanted to keep them. So he has offered to take them off my hands. I wanted to look through them because I knew there were some I may want, but as I was getting ready to open the first box, I thought to myself, why do I want this? What memory does it have for me? The two of us collecting them together, having fun looking for new ones, the fun of adding them to the shelf already crowded with too many. And then it hit me, I did not want them at all. I had enough crap hanging on in my life that I have carried from one place to another and I was tired of it.
The more I thought about it the more I realized I have been "anti-sentimental" for several weeks now. Every since I started nesting at my house I have been getting rid of things that I kept because it was a good time for me and #3. I will never get rid of my son's things, nor things that belonged to my family. But why was I holding onto things from a bad relationship? Yes, at the time I created the sentimental idea attached to whatever the item was because it was a fun and exciting time. But, I now know that all those events were false because #3 has said over and over that he never was attracted to me and has always considered our relationship a bad decision. So that event was fake and a lie. But here I was holding onto photos, postcards, Do Not Disturb signs (we collected those from every hotel we stayed at) and who knew what else. I had taken an object and created a memory from it and I planned on carry it the rest of my life but now that part of my life is not only over but has been brought out into the light that it was an illusion all together. So what do you do with all those things? Well, I trashed them. Every single one of them, I kept anything that had Joshua attached to it, such as photos of him and I. Everything else is gone. I went onto my computer and trashed every photo that I have stored on there of anything having to do with my past experiences that are now over. That includes 6 years of Mesa photos, 7 years of marriage photos, etc.
I feel good about it. Not once did I second guess myself about getting rid of these things. If I liked me in the photo and there were a few; I cropped everything else out of the photo. I did save a few for Joshua in case he wants them, but I put them on a disk and they are out of my view so I do not worry about it. I am in the process of getting rid of other things as well; I need the things in my life to be all about me. I am looking for a new bed. I currently have a king bed that we bought together and shared. It is a bed I slept in with a person I thought loved me and was staying with me the rest of my life. Well now it has to go. Since I am not rich I am willing to hold out on this until I manifest what I need. But, the past is the past and it has no place in my future. I can't live in the now and be happy if I am surrounding myself with false happiness.
So on that note, I now need photos. Seriously, if you have photos of you and your family and would like to share them with me to decorate my walls I would be very happy. You can email them to me or give me a copy and I will add them to my wall of friends and family. I will create my own memories based on what I know is real and not what I hope is real.
The more I thought about it the more I realized I have been "anti-sentimental" for several weeks now. Every since I started nesting at my house I have been getting rid of things that I kept because it was a good time for me and #3. I will never get rid of my son's things, nor things that belonged to my family. But why was I holding onto things from a bad relationship? Yes, at the time I created the sentimental idea attached to whatever the item was because it was a fun and exciting time. But, I now know that all those events were false because #3 has said over and over that he never was attracted to me and has always considered our relationship a bad decision. So that event was fake and a lie. But here I was holding onto photos, postcards, Do Not Disturb signs (we collected those from every hotel we stayed at) and who knew what else. I had taken an object and created a memory from it and I planned on carry it the rest of my life but now that part of my life is not only over but has been brought out into the light that it was an illusion all together. So what do you do with all those things? Well, I trashed them. Every single one of them, I kept anything that had Joshua attached to it, such as photos of him and I. Everything else is gone. I went onto my computer and trashed every photo that I have stored on there of anything having to do with my past experiences that are now over. That includes 6 years of Mesa photos, 7 years of marriage photos, etc.
I feel good about it. Not once did I second guess myself about getting rid of these things. If I liked me in the photo and there were a few; I cropped everything else out of the photo. I did save a few for Joshua in case he wants them, but I put them on a disk and they are out of my view so I do not worry about it. I am in the process of getting rid of other things as well; I need the things in my life to be all about me. I am looking for a new bed. I currently have a king bed that we bought together and shared. It is a bed I slept in with a person I thought loved me and was staying with me the rest of my life. Well now it has to go. Since I am not rich I am willing to hold out on this until I manifest what I need. But, the past is the past and it has no place in my future. I can't live in the now and be happy if I am surrounding myself with false happiness.
So on that note, I now need photos. Seriously, if you have photos of you and your family and would like to share them with me to decorate my walls I would be very happy. You can email them to me or give me a copy and I will add them to my wall of friends and family. I will create my own memories based on what I know is real and not what I hope is real.
But no matter how anti sentimental I get I still think Stitch Rules!
There is the old saying "Doctor heal thy self" Shirley MacLaine uses that line in "Evening Star" the sequel to "Terms of Endearment". She is dating a doctor (I think a shrink) played by Bill Paxton. He is younger and cute and she is dating him. She meets his mother and finds out she is almost her twin. The line implies he needs to heal himself of his Mother Complex before he can have a healthy relationship. If you have not seen the movie, you have to it was great.
But the point of this post is to inform you about healing yourself. Have you ever stopped to consider that your body belongs to you? Seriously, it is yours and yours alone. You can do whatever you want to it and with it. If you want to get a tattoo of your mother on your ass guess what? You can. If you want to have your face pierced shut you can. If you want boobs so big you can’t stand up straight go right ahead no one is going to stop you. Why? Because it is your body and you control it. And, before you ask, no this is not a pro choice speech, even though I am for a woman’s right to decide what she will and will not do. But that is another topic all together.
I am always amazed that people think they have no control over their own body. People think that we have to go along with happens to your body and do whatever your doctor tells you. This is absurd. First off, your body was created for you, by you and with you. It is a living extension of you. If you look down at your hands right now and tell your fingers to move they will. If you look at your feet and tell them to walk, they will. So why can’t we tell our bodies to heal themselves? We can and it will.
Let me give you an example. Many of you know of my disastrous attempt at water aerobics a few years back. But for those who don’t let me fill you in. I went with a few co workers to a water aerobics class; one exercise that they had us do was turning our foot in circles to stretch the muscles. I still wonder why we were doing this. Because of all the places on my body that needed exercise my foot was not one of those places. Unbeknownst to me several weeks before when I stepped off my front porch and twisted my foot I had already damaged the tendon that runs along the outer side of your foot. I completely tore the tendon by twisting it in water aerobics. It took a few weeks for the damage to be bad enough that I was in pain and sought medical attention. I was stunned and horrified when I was told I would need surgery to repair the damage. Once again I tried to do something healthy and it backfired on me.
Over the next month the doctor explained the procedure to me and told me what to expect from my recovery. Well you know me I am always hard headed and was determined that I would be different. My surgery was scheduled for Monday morning and I planned to be at work on Tuesday, until I was told that I had to stay in bed with my foot elevated until Wednesday at the earliest. Also, never having had surgery I did not know that you feel like hell afterwards.
During the weeks before the actually surgery, I watched every doctor show I could, the real ones not House, ER or Grey’s Anatomy. I wanted good information. I also started working with my guides on what was the best way to recover from this. They told me that as soon as an incision is made your body reacts by going into shock. It is no different than if you were stabbed on the street. Your body does not realize that you are aware of the damage, and by being unconscious you are not able to guide your body by telling it what to do. So the image I got was all my little cells running around screaming and hollering trying to figure out what to do and where to go.
I really felt bad, I felt guilty that I had caused this to happen to my body and that because of my attempt to be healthy my little cells are in a panic. Yeah, I was a bit emotional as well. So like any good mother I had what we in the South call a “Come to Jesus” meeting. I sat down one night and instead of meditating and allowing my mind to go somewhere else; I mediated and sent my mind into my own body. This is the fun part, since I don’t know what my cells look like I visualized this little red and white blobs sitting there ever so patiently waiting for their Goddess to speak. It was actually kind of fun.
I called the meeting to order, as my little red & white cells settled down I explained the situation to them. I have a very vivid imagination so my cells were shocked, horrified, and then concerned that their home was damaged and needed repair. I explained what the doctor had said and told them about the repairs. I then told them that this was not a time to panic, but a time for action. There was no need to panic or go into shock. I would be asleep but I was aware of everything that was going on. I gave them their orders and told them I expected them to follow through while I was asleep. The imagined nods of agreement told me I had made my point. Every night up until the surgery I would sit in my hot bath and massage my foot and leg and reiterate what was expected of my body.
Now I am not going to tell you that when I woke up there was nothing wrong, my planned worked like a charm and I was 100% because that would be a lie. When I woke up I felt like throwing up. But since I do not throw up I went home and went to sleep. I had pain pills to take but apparently I have an enormously high threshold for pain because I think I only took 1 then plain old Tylenol after that. Not even Tylenol with Codeine just Tylenol. It did take a couple of days to get my energy back but I felt okay.
Now here is the interesting part. I went to the doctor after 4 weeks and was told that I could start walking in my cast. This was not acceptable to me; I wanted the cast off and walking in my normal shoes. But, he told me that I would probably need the cast another month. I asked about the swelling that was no better than the day I left the hospital. He told me that the swelling would be this way for several more months, possibly 6 months. Oh Hell No.
The next day, I called Dr. Melanie Robinson-Richardson who is an energy worker and Dr. of Oriental Medicine. I went in and explained the situation to her. I did not understand why I was still so swollen; there was not much pain but lots of swelling. She examined my foot and ankle, said the incision was clean and nice, no infection, but my body was rejecting the internal stitches they put in there and was actually pushing them out. They were actually poking out of my skin. I thought this was funny, because I did not know they put stitches inside of a wound and therefore did not warn my body about. They were just getting rid of something that was not supposed to be there. She then did an energy reading on my foot and found that I was holding a lot of energy there for some reason. After talking to her I realized that I was so disappointment about doing this to myself that I had internalized the feelings and they settled in my foot since that is where the damage was done. She told me to apologize to myself and let it go. It was an accident and nothing more; there was no reason to feel guilty or upset. So I did, she put needles in and I am telling you the honest truth, I left with no swelling what so ever and it stayed that way for a month. On top of that, I took the cast off and never wore it again.
I personally believe that by talking to my body and explaining what was going to happen that not only did it prepare my body for the event it also prepared me for the event. Think about when you have a baby; it is one of the most natural events in the world. However, we treat it like a medical disaster, you are hooked up to monitors, IV’s, drugs and who knows what else. You are terrorized throughout the entire process and then they wonder why the babies go into distress.
I think the doctors and nurses forget that the baby hears everything going on and since he is still a spirit being he understands everything going on. There are women out there today who are taking pregnancy and birth back to the beautiful and natural way it is meant to be. Most of society thinks they are crazy, tree huggers. But, after working with Spirit Babies I think it is a great thing to do and it is brings your new baby into a world of peace and love not chaos and drama. I am not against taking drugs for the pain, because; if that is what you need to be comfortable and enjoy the experience then go for it. If you are okay with the pain and can still enjoy the experience snaps to you. But the birth of a baby is not a medical drama but a natural wonder.
I know lots of people laugh at me when I am around someone who is sick. They always say “You are going to get sick too.” I always respond with “No I won’t” and I am positive I won’t. Why? Because, I tell my body “We don’t have time to be sick at the moment.” This typically works for me. If I am starting to feel like I am getting something I simply tell my body “Hell, no, don’t even think about it.” And it will usually disappear. Now, since I do get sick once in a while I can tell you that it is not full proof. But, when I do get sick I can pin point exactly the moment I knew that I was getting sick. 99% of the time it is because I did not listen to my body when it was trying to tell me that it needed a rest. Instead of following my own advice and listening to what my body had to say, I pushed on and in response my body got run down and catches a cold that it can’t brush off because it is too tired.
So you can guide your body into doing what you want, you can heal yourself faster than medical science and you can ignore your body and get sick. It is a 2 way street, so to speak. If you are going to tell your body what to do then you have to allow your body to do so as well.
If you are have problems with your health that your doctor has not been able to cure, fix or just make you happy with I highly suggest calling Melanie and seeing her. She heals you on many levels but they all start at the base of the problem…you. Your body is not going to work well if you can’t work with your body.
I am always amazed that people think they have no control over their own body. People think that we have to go along with happens to your body and do whatever your doctor tells you. This is absurd. First off, your body was created for you, by you and with you. It is a living extension of you. If you look down at your hands right now and tell your fingers to move they will. If you look at your feet and tell them to walk, they will. So why can’t we tell our bodies to heal themselves? We can and it will.
Let me give you an example. Many of you know of my disastrous attempt at water aerobics a few years back. But for those who don’t let me fill you in. I went with a few co workers to a water aerobics class; one exercise that they had us do was turning our foot in circles to stretch the muscles. I still wonder why we were doing this. Because of all the places on my body that needed exercise my foot was not one of those places. Unbeknownst to me several weeks before when I stepped off my front porch and twisted my foot I had already damaged the tendon that runs along the outer side of your foot. I completely tore the tendon by twisting it in water aerobics. It took a few weeks for the damage to be bad enough that I was in pain and sought medical attention. I was stunned and horrified when I was told I would need surgery to repair the damage. Once again I tried to do something healthy and it backfired on me.
Over the next month the doctor explained the procedure to me and told me what to expect from my recovery. Well you know me I am always hard headed and was determined that I would be different. My surgery was scheduled for Monday morning and I planned to be at work on Tuesday, until I was told that I had to stay in bed with my foot elevated until Wednesday at the earliest. Also, never having had surgery I did not know that you feel like hell afterwards.
During the weeks before the actually surgery, I watched every doctor show I could, the real ones not House, ER or Grey’s Anatomy. I wanted good information. I also started working with my guides on what was the best way to recover from this. They told me that as soon as an incision is made your body reacts by going into shock. It is no different than if you were stabbed on the street. Your body does not realize that you are aware of the damage, and by being unconscious you are not able to guide your body by telling it what to do. So the image I got was all my little cells running around screaming and hollering trying to figure out what to do and where to go.
I really felt bad, I felt guilty that I had caused this to happen to my body and that because of my attempt to be healthy my little cells are in a panic. Yeah, I was a bit emotional as well. So like any good mother I had what we in the South call a “Come to Jesus” meeting. I sat down one night and instead of meditating and allowing my mind to go somewhere else; I mediated and sent my mind into my own body. This is the fun part, since I don’t know what my cells look like I visualized this little red and white blobs sitting there ever so patiently waiting for their Goddess to speak. It was actually kind of fun.
I called the meeting to order, as my little red & white cells settled down I explained the situation to them. I have a very vivid imagination so my cells were shocked, horrified, and then concerned that their home was damaged and needed repair. I explained what the doctor had said and told them about the repairs. I then told them that this was not a time to panic, but a time for action. There was no need to panic or go into shock. I would be asleep but I was aware of everything that was going on. I gave them their orders and told them I expected them to follow through while I was asleep. The imagined nods of agreement told me I had made my point. Every night up until the surgery I would sit in my hot bath and massage my foot and leg and reiterate what was expected of my body.
Now I am not going to tell you that when I woke up there was nothing wrong, my planned worked like a charm and I was 100% because that would be a lie. When I woke up I felt like throwing up. But since I do not throw up I went home and went to sleep. I had pain pills to take but apparently I have an enormously high threshold for pain because I think I only took 1 then plain old Tylenol after that. Not even Tylenol with Codeine just Tylenol. It did take a couple of days to get my energy back but I felt okay.
Now here is the interesting part. I went to the doctor after 4 weeks and was told that I could start walking in my cast. This was not acceptable to me; I wanted the cast off and walking in my normal shoes. But, he told me that I would probably need the cast another month. I asked about the swelling that was no better than the day I left the hospital. He told me that the swelling would be this way for several more months, possibly 6 months. Oh Hell No.
The next day, I called Dr. Melanie Robinson-Richardson who is an energy worker and Dr. of Oriental Medicine. I went in and explained the situation to her. I did not understand why I was still so swollen; there was not much pain but lots of swelling. She examined my foot and ankle, said the incision was clean and nice, no infection, but my body was rejecting the internal stitches they put in there and was actually pushing them out. They were actually poking out of my skin. I thought this was funny, because I did not know they put stitches inside of a wound and therefore did not warn my body about. They were just getting rid of something that was not supposed to be there. She then did an energy reading on my foot and found that I was holding a lot of energy there for some reason. After talking to her I realized that I was so disappointment about doing this to myself that I had internalized the feelings and they settled in my foot since that is where the damage was done. She told me to apologize to myself and let it go. It was an accident and nothing more; there was no reason to feel guilty or upset. So I did, she put needles in and I am telling you the honest truth, I left with no swelling what so ever and it stayed that way for a month. On top of that, I took the cast off and never wore it again.
I personally believe that by talking to my body and explaining what was going to happen that not only did it prepare my body for the event it also prepared me for the event. Think about when you have a baby; it is one of the most natural events in the world. However, we treat it like a medical disaster, you are hooked up to monitors, IV’s, drugs and who knows what else. You are terrorized throughout the entire process and then they wonder why the babies go into distress.
I think the doctors and nurses forget that the baby hears everything going on and since he is still a spirit being he understands everything going on. There are women out there today who are taking pregnancy and birth back to the beautiful and natural way it is meant to be. Most of society thinks they are crazy, tree huggers. But, after working with Spirit Babies I think it is a great thing to do and it is brings your new baby into a world of peace and love not chaos and drama. I am not against taking drugs for the pain, because; if that is what you need to be comfortable and enjoy the experience then go for it. If you are okay with the pain and can still enjoy the experience snaps to you. But the birth of a baby is not a medical drama but a natural wonder.
I know lots of people laugh at me when I am around someone who is sick. They always say “You are going to get sick too.” I always respond with “No I won’t” and I am positive I won’t. Why? Because, I tell my body “We don’t have time to be sick at the moment.” This typically works for me. If I am starting to feel like I am getting something I simply tell my body “Hell, no, don’t even think about it.” And it will usually disappear. Now, since I do get sick once in a while I can tell you that it is not full proof. But, when I do get sick I can pin point exactly the moment I knew that I was getting sick. 99% of the time it is because I did not listen to my body when it was trying to tell me that it needed a rest. Instead of following my own advice and listening to what my body had to say, I pushed on and in response my body got run down and catches a cold that it can’t brush off because it is too tired.
So you can guide your body into doing what you want, you can heal yourself faster than medical science and you can ignore your body and get sick. It is a 2 way street, so to speak. If you are going to tell your body what to do then you have to allow your body to do so as well.
If you are have problems with your health that your doctor has not been able to cure, fix or just make you happy with I highly suggest calling Melanie and seeing her. She heals you on many levels but they all start at the base of the problem…you. Your body is not going to work well if you can’t work with your body.
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