I start off this blog by apologizing to everyone for not writing more over the last few weeks. Many of you have inquired when I would be adding new updates and to be honest I plan on doing it everyday. But somehow it goes from 8am to 11pm really fast lately.
In my last post 10 days ago, I told you about going down and filing the divorce papers and how #3 was upset (to put it mildly) about the possibility of losing his dental insurance. Well that worked out to his benefit and he still has his insurance and our divorce was able to proceed.
On Thursday, April 24th I went back downtown and picked up the finalized decree for divorce from the courts. It still amazes me how simple it was. The judge signed the papers on the 17th a little over 24 hours after I filed them. But, I was told to come back a week later. So that part of this nightmare is finally over. 5 days shy of 11 months after I received the now famous “let’s call it a day” letter.
The funny thing is I still do not feel any relief from this whole situation. I do not regret what I had to do, but I thought I would just be over the moon that it was finally over. But I am not. So the last 10 days have been mixed in with working my ass off and coming to some form of clarity about what this is all about. One thing about me is that if I don’t know about something I will find out no matter what it takes.
So I asked the guides for help on understanding what was going on with me and why I was not feeling what I should be feeling. They gave me two options 1. I could get the brief abridged version or 2. I could get the long version that takes days to explain and get through to my brain. My question of course was “What’s the difference?” Their answer: “The abridge version will satisfy your immediate need for an answer but there will be no clarity and you will eventually want the complete answer. Plus, you also run the risk of attracting someone else with the same qualities and issues since you will not know how to recognize them right off. The second option would be a bit more painful emotionally but once you know it you will not have to deal with it again.”
Well you know me and my love for anything painful, I chose door number two. The first thing they told me was to continue my research into NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, since I love medical terminology and anything to do with behavioral health their thought was once I completely understood the disorder I would understand the relationship and break up more clearly.
Their next lesson is getting me to accept what happened and letting it go. As long as I hold onto it nothing will change for me. But as many of you know that when you hurt me I proceed to plan your torture for the next several years. I personally, think I was Henry VIII in a past life. I like torture too much.
And my last task is to learn to love again and trust again. They agree this may take some time but they are willing to wait. I reminded them that I do not want any love interests in my life anymore but they also reminded me that as a human it is in our very DNA to have a partner in life to love and grow with, someone to share things with and to be with on a level you can not be with friends. When that did not go over they used a cruel example. They asked me to remember what Tau was like before we got Kali as his companion. He was lonely, sad, distracted and hyper and wanted constant attention from anyone he did not care who it was. That was a low blow even for them. But, they made their point. My interpretation was that if we do not allow ourselves to have people in our lives that we can love and trust we invite people that are not worthy of us into our lives. This apparently has been a problem for me since day one. I do not naturally trust people, it takes a very long time for me to trust someone enough to let them get to know me. In fact #3 was the first person ever allowed to know me on this level. I have 1 person in my life at this very point that probably knows me better than anyone else and that is because one we have had many past lives together (apparently one very disturbing life in New Orleans that we are just figure out) and two because she is amazingly physic and knows things about me without me telling her. It was scary at first but I have learned to accept it for the gift that it is. Anyway, when I do not trust people I just allow them into my life with the thought that I will never trust them so what’s the problem with them being there. Know before you get your panties twisted I am not talking about friends, I am talking about love interests. Think about it for a second, your lover knows things about you that your friends will never know. You share a very intimate time with that person and hopefully you do not have the same relationship with your friends because that is wrong. So all my friends out there don’t get twisted thinking I don’t trust you, because I do. But, I also don’t tell you about my fantasy since that is…well…just gross. Does that make any sense?
So at this point I have agreed that somewhere down the road (not tomorrow or the next day) I will accept the possibility of having another relationship. I will never accept the possibility of getting married again and they agreed to this. So as I proceed forward with my lessons I will continue to keep you updated.