Everyone knows that I went home last week. I put my kids; Tau & Kali in the car and hit the road. Tau promptly spent the first 100 miles crying and whining and acting like I was going to take him in the woods and chop his head off. Because, you know I have done that so many time. Kali on the other hand dug herself so far under her pillows and blankets I lost her for a while. I do have to say she has more reason to hide than Tau does.
On a past trip to Texas back in March, Josh, Nathan (Josh's roommate) and I were driving East on I40 and hit ice, I had a split second to decide between hitting an 18 wheeler, Ford Explorer or go off road. Well since I am still here we know I chose to go off road. After several seconds of flying in the ice and snow we hit a fence. When all the chaos settled down and we came to a stop, Kali who was in the front seat was now in the back seat. Depending on who tells it she either flew back there or jumped. Either way she is not a fan of riding in the car anymore.
So we left Albuquerque on Halloween, I know everyone I knew was shocked. Me travel on Halloween and not spend it ghost hunting and terrorizing children. But I wanted to get out of town. I was convinced this was my Road Home. I was going to drive my sorrow and pain away. I was sadly mistaken. As I drove I was hit with all the memories #3 and I had along the way.
Remember a few posts ago when I said we did not have many memories in Houston? We don't but we do have them all along I-10. I have never had such a difficult drive in my life. First off this was my first trip home since the "Break-Up". And even though the family knows about it I still felt like I was going home a failure.
As I drove East on I-10 I past Sonora Texas, a little nothing town about 100 miles East of San Antonio. We first met there in January 2000 for our first rendezvous. It was a great long weekend of getting to know each other and talking about everything we wanted in life. Of course when I got back to Houston and back to work I had an email from him. The excitement was wonderful. I remember my heart beating faster and faster until I could read it in private. I was sure it was telling me about how great he thought the weekend was and how much he loved me and could not wait to see me again. Then I opened the email and it was not an email full of love words and gushy comments. It was an email telling me how much he hated my weight and did not know if he could have a relationship with someone who was overweight. Yeah, love was in the air. He proceeded to tell me that he thought my weight was my way of protecting myself from a past relationship. YOU THINK. Well that thought was just wonderful, lots of fond memories of Sonora.
On down the road there was the convenience store we stopped at, the Sonic we ate at. Yes, guys we women remember everything. Keep that in mind, like elephants we never forget ANYTHING.
I was going to drive to San Antonio and spend the night. Until I remembered that is where he proposed to me. In a wonderful weekend in April 2000, we spent 3 days there being tourist and then in a wonderfully romantic moment (no I am not going to elaborate) he asked me to marry him. Apparently I said yes since I am now going through this hell. The more I thought about San Antonio the sadder I got. The miles flew by and I grew more and more depressed. I decided that I could not stay there, in fact, I am not sure I can even go to that city. So I stayed in one town we never visited together Kerrville, Texas.
I got up on Thursday and finished my drive to Houston. I got to my parents house and my mom was sitting in the front yard on the swing with my new niece Danae and my nephews Joe & Devin where playing. It was so good to be home, but my misery did not go away. It was still there. When I saw my daddy he looked at me and said "Are you okay" and I almost lost it. Not falling apart in front of him was almost more than I could take.
I was able to keep busy most of the time. I went to the funeral school and signed up. I pre planned my funeral arrangements while there (of course my daddy told me I would burn in hell if I was cremated. Long story and actually funny too but that is another post).
On Sunday we had a family get together my Aunt Angie was there she is 84 and has a touch of dementia. So she was sort of party entertainment. She was convinced that one of those kids there was mine. No matter how many times I told her I was 40 years old and too old for babies she was convinced I take one home. Anyway, she looked at me and asked me "Where is your husband?" She could not remember where she put her purse (behind the sofa) or that the baby was not mine but she could remember that I had a husband. Damn her in her non-dementia moment. The hardest thing I ever did was look at her and tell her "He left me to find happiness somewhere else." I never said that before, I said he was looking for enlightenment or he was just going through a mid life crisis. But in all reality he left me because I did not make him happy. Of course being 84 and Italian she looked at me and said "Idiot, forget him and find someone else." Then she added "And not one who is 15 years older than you. Find someone your own age." Again, she can't remember where she is but she remembers how much older he is than me. Words of wisdom from Aunt Angie god I love that woman.
So my trip ended on a good note. I felt better about leaving and coming home, I was able to admit some serious problems I was not dealing with and I am now trying to doing that. I am sure as I work on them I will write about them. So stay tuned, if nothing I am very sure Aunt Angie will have more words of wisdom for me.