I had a therapy session this past week. I went in and told her all about what was going on in my life, the craziness of the animals, the two jobs, the family...you know the usual. She asked how my relationship with #3 was going so I filled her in on that topic. That we hate one another and we do not talk we fight. I told her I had not talked to him in about 3 weeks, every since I turned Jesus on him. It was the only way I could think of to get him to stop harassing me. I may not be a Christian but I can talk like one. I like to say "I can talk the talk; I just don't walk the walk."
I told her that I felt like I was progressing, but then not progressing. She told me that she would like me to write about where I think I am in the relationship part of my life. What have I learned from this whole separation and divorce. I am saddened to say I don't think she will be pleased because instead of become a more enlightened person about relationships I became a more cynical person.
You see when #3 and I got together I was just coming off of 10 years of abuse from #2, not physical abuse but emotional and mental abuse. I was like a scared rabbit, I trusted no one and I would not allow myself to depend on anyone. It was so bad that if I got in a car accident and they asked me who to call I would say no one. Because I did not want to bother anyone with my problems and I did not want to have to depend on anyone for help. It was a bad situation. But, then #3 came along and lured me out of the rabbit hole. He spent several years getting me to lower my self defense wall and teaching me to learn to depend on someone else to help me. Then all of the trust and dependablity that I developed was destroyed and thrown back in my face.
So I find myself today a year later not trusting anyone (other than Phyllis and a few close friends) with anything. If I can't do it myself or hire someone it will not get done. When I go out with a guy as soon as he starts to compliment me I start doubting his sincerity, I start wondering what he is leading up to, what does he want. Why would he possibly be complimenting me, there has to be a catch. It is truly a disaster. Here is what I have learned about this whole process my initial instincts are always correct and trusting someone other than myself does not turn out good for me. I learned that my self esteem is a rock bottom, but to counter that I started going back to toastmasters. I learned that whenever anyone sits next to me, whether it is to work on a project together or just talk, I instantly pull away and move as far away from them as I can without causing a scene. I learned that I will probably live the rest of my life behind a emotional brick wall that is now bullet proof, bomb proof and defiantly man proof. And this is the only way I know how to live without getting hurt.
I am hoping that in time I will be comfortable again in the presence of other people and I will be able to have men compliment me without me wanting to send the National Guard after them. These are my hopes for the future.
Now I am thinking I need a new piece of jewelry something shiny and pretty.
I told her that I felt like I was progressing, but then not progressing. She told me that she would like me to write about where I think I am in the relationship part of my life. What have I learned from this whole separation and divorce. I am saddened to say I don't think she will be pleased because instead of become a more enlightened person about relationships I became a more cynical person.
You see when #3 and I got together I was just coming off of 10 years of abuse from #2, not physical abuse but emotional and mental abuse. I was like a scared rabbit, I trusted no one and I would not allow myself to depend on anyone. It was so bad that if I got in a car accident and they asked me who to call I would say no one. Because I did not want to bother anyone with my problems and I did not want to have to depend on anyone for help. It was a bad situation. But, then #3 came along and lured me out of the rabbit hole. He spent several years getting me to lower my self defense wall and teaching me to learn to depend on someone else to help me. Then all of the trust and dependablity that I developed was destroyed and thrown back in my face.
So I find myself today a year later not trusting anyone (other than Phyllis and a few close friends) with anything. If I can't do it myself or hire someone it will not get done. When I go out with a guy as soon as he starts to compliment me I start doubting his sincerity, I start wondering what he is leading up to, what does he want. Why would he possibly be complimenting me, there has to be a catch. It is truly a disaster. Here is what I have learned about this whole process my initial instincts are always correct and trusting someone other than myself does not turn out good for me. I learned that my self esteem is a rock bottom, but to counter that I started going back to toastmasters. I learned that whenever anyone sits next to me, whether it is to work on a project together or just talk, I instantly pull away and move as far away from them as I can without causing a scene. I learned that I will probably live the rest of my life behind a emotional brick wall that is now bullet proof, bomb proof and defiantly man proof. And this is the only way I know how to live without getting hurt.
I am hoping that in time I will be comfortable again in the presence of other people and I will be able to have men compliment me without me wanting to send the National Guard after them. These are my hopes for the future.
Now I am thinking I need a new piece of jewelry something shiny and pretty.