First off I want to thank everyone for their concern and love over the past year since I started this blog. Many of you have expressed concern for me and my mental health since the divorce. Please understand that I am fine. This is a whole new experience for me, yes I have done the marriage and divorce 3 times now so you would think I was an expert. But, I am far from it. With the last marriage and divorce I put myself into a totally different world than I was use to. With this has come a lot of new opportunities as well as new lessons in life.
In the past, I just wanted to get the bad parts over and done with and move on. This time around was different; for starters I totally and completely loved #3 and that was not an easy thing to move on from. I know we had our hard times and at the end it was a horrible situation but my heart was still in love with him deeply and was not understanding what my brain was doing. Also at 40 years old it was time to stop and figure out what I was doing wrong so that I would not repeat this again. Anytime, I have started to repeat the pattern my guides step in with a resounding "HELL NO". So it has been a very long and stressful process. But, I am a much smarter person than I was a year ago.
One of the things this blog has done for me was that it allowed me to stop being ashamed of my mistakes. It allowed me the chance to share these mistakes and lessons with the most important people in my life; my family and friends and a few people I don't know who read the blog as well. I feel that by sharing my experiences (no matter how embarrassing they are) it allows me to see them from different perspectives and thus allows me to understand my thought process a little better.
I have always been a writer; since I was old enough to hold a pencil. I use to write things I could not say to other people just so I could get it out of my system. I use to keep diaries until I was burned by one as a teenager, but when I became a pagan I found out about the BOS or Book of Shadows, it is basically a spiritual diary. It contains all my thoughts, spells, recipes, astrological readings, tarot readings and poems and anything else that I write about. It is so much more than a teenagers diary about love and friends a BOS is about what you are experiencing, how you are dealing with it and how you get what you need and want from the universe. Once my marriage broke up I could not write in it anymore. I was so confused, I thought I had lost the ability to write and this was devastating. But then the guides lead me to the blog and told me it was time to share my experiences and problems with my family and friends. The time of hiding my feelings, problems, traumas, and difficulties was over. It was time to share everything about myself with those around me. This was how I was going to heal.
So when I do this I am blunt and honest. It is the only way I know how to do it. Sometimes people will get very nervous or frightened for me. They fear that I am going to do something. But, please remember that by the time I have wrote a post about an emotion or problem it has already past by and I have had to write the blog in my head before I put it on the computer. Writing about my cynical outlook on love is just my way of facing what I really feel about it at this moment. I am sure one day (at least according to several psychics) I will fall in love again. And when that happens you will all be part of that as well. It will probably be a sickening thing full of love words and flowers and smiley faces and all that goo. But, it will another thing to blog about.
I am in now way planning on giving up on life or love, I just need to stop looking for it and try to understand what I am feeling now that love is not apart of my daily life. This is the longest time in 40 years that I have gone with out a man in my life. I have my good days and I have my lonely days. At least I am better at watching romantic movies on TV now. But, I am far from wanting to get involved with a man at this point. I have to much work to do on myself before I can start to worry about another man and his needs.
So once again, thank you all for your continued support and unending love that you have showed me. Please continue to read the blog and give me your opinions on it. And I promise if I plan to do anything drastic I will defiantly blog about it first.