Is it possible to have a perfect childhood? Is it possible to give your child the perfect childhood? Many of us parents say “Of course it is.” Many kids say “Hell no.” What is the perfect childhood anyway? Take 2 kids raised in 2 separate families and let’s compare.
Family 1 consists of Mom and Dad and1 kid. Mom stays at home, Dad works outside the home. They have 1 child because they feel they do not have the financial security to have more children. They live in a small but comfortable home with 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, in a nice neighborhood.
Family 2 consists of Mom and Dad and 1 kid. Mom and Dad both work outside the home. They have 1 child because they are too busy working to have time to make any more. They live in a sprawling 3000 square foot home, with 7 bedrooms, 8 baths, game room, outdoor pool, basketball court, video/entertainment room, in a gated community.
Which child has a better life? Most of us who are working parents think that Family 2 is the better because they have the financial resources to give their kids whatever they want and therefore the kids are happier. Many parents in Family 2 think that Family 1 has the better life. Mom is home all day to take care of the home and kids, Dad comes home from work and plays catch before dinner with the kids. They feel they are working so hard in order to keep up with the bills and financial responsibility it takes to maintain their lifestyle.
If you ask children they want whatever they see on TV. For them the grass is always greener in someone else’s backyard. No matter what kind of childhood you give your children when they grow up they are going to want their kids to have a better childhood than they did. Personally unless you were abused in some horrid way or neglected to the point of abuse you had a pretty good childhood. There are people out there that can tell you stories about growing up that makes the Saw movies look like Sesame Street.
Why am I asking these questions and making these comparisons? Because I spoke to my father, Bill yesterday on the phone (and I hope he reads this post). We don’t talk to often, but he is always there in my heart. I did not have a great relationship with him growing up since he was in Florida and I was in Texas. Bill and my mother separated when we were little kids. I don’t remember how old I was when my parents separated all I know is we moved to Texas in 1973 so I was 5 or so. I have no memories of my biological parents ever together as a couple, I have no memories of living in Florida with my brothers, I have no family memories of that time at all. So what does this mean? It means that I can’t miss something I have no recollection of. I can’t hold it against my parents that their marriage did not last when I can’t remember them being married.
The last few times I have spoken to my father he has mentioned how he regrets not having a better relationship with us when we were younger. Okay, you can regret it but then you have to let it go. You can not live your life regretting something you did not do 30 years ago. It will only drive you crazy. I personally do not harbor any ill feelings towards him or my mother for their decisions. I have no room to judge anyone on their marriage when I have screwed up 3 marriages in 20 yeas. It is not my place to tell them that by divorcing they destroyed our lives because that is just not true. Having gone through a divorce or two I know what they were feeling, and when it comes down to it, if you are not happy in a marriage you will only torture you kids by staying for them. No kid wants their parents to divorce but it is a way of life that has been happening since the dawn of man and it will continue to happen until man is extinct. I told him last night that the hardships of life when you are growing up dictate the type of person you will be as an adult. I am a very self assured and strong person and I am this way because of events that happened in my life. This is how we grow, even the rich pampered kids have hardships to deal with.
I can’t speak for my brothers, but I can say my childhood was good and bad. It had great times, good times, fun times, bad times and horrible times. It is called life. If you don’t have bad and horrible times how do you know when you are having the good times? As a parent I knew I am going to screw up with Joshua, I knew it when I was pregnant, I knew it when he was a baby and I knew it when he was growing up. But, since he did not come with an owners manual, website for tech support or an 800 number to call 24/7 I had to do the best I could. I relied on my mom, his dad and others who had gone through this event of child rearing for advice and help. One day when Joshua has kids (better not be for another 10 years) he will do the same thing. He will turn to those he loves and trusts for advice on how to raise them but in the long run he will do what he thinks is best for him, his family and his kids.
So as I climb down off my proverbial soap box, I want my father (and every other parent out there) to accept that we had a good life, we may not have had some of the opportunities you want for your kids but we did not suffer for it. We lived in a house full of love, we had 2 parents who at the end of the day kissed us good night and watched over us. Yes my teenage years consisted of more screams and less kisses but I never doubted that I was loved. It would have been good to have a perfect relationship with him but it was not meant to be. But then again I am not dying tomorrow and as far as I know neither is he. So there are still years left to create that relationship you always wanted with your children. All you have to do is work at it and see how it goes.
Family 1 consists of Mom and Dad and1 kid. Mom stays at home, Dad works outside the home. They have 1 child because they feel they do not have the financial security to have more children. They live in a small but comfortable home with 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, in a nice neighborhood.
Family 2 consists of Mom and Dad and 1 kid. Mom and Dad both work outside the home. They have 1 child because they are too busy working to have time to make any more. They live in a sprawling 3000 square foot home, with 7 bedrooms, 8 baths, game room, outdoor pool, basketball court, video/entertainment room, in a gated community.
Which child has a better life? Most of us who are working parents think that Family 2 is the better because they have the financial resources to give their kids whatever they want and therefore the kids are happier. Many parents in Family 2 think that Family 1 has the better life. Mom is home all day to take care of the home and kids, Dad comes home from work and plays catch before dinner with the kids. They feel they are working so hard in order to keep up with the bills and financial responsibility it takes to maintain their lifestyle.
If you ask children they want whatever they see on TV. For them the grass is always greener in someone else’s backyard. No matter what kind of childhood you give your children when they grow up they are going to want their kids to have a better childhood than they did. Personally unless you were abused in some horrid way or neglected to the point of abuse you had a pretty good childhood. There are people out there that can tell you stories about growing up that makes the Saw movies look like Sesame Street.
Why am I asking these questions and making these comparisons? Because I spoke to my father, Bill yesterday on the phone (and I hope he reads this post). We don’t talk to often, but he is always there in my heart. I did not have a great relationship with him growing up since he was in Florida and I was in Texas. Bill and my mother separated when we were little kids. I don’t remember how old I was when my parents separated all I know is we moved to Texas in 1973 so I was 5 or so. I have no memories of my biological parents ever together as a couple, I have no memories of living in Florida with my brothers, I have no family memories of that time at all. So what does this mean? It means that I can’t miss something I have no recollection of. I can’t hold it against my parents that their marriage did not last when I can’t remember them being married.
The last few times I have spoken to my father he has mentioned how he regrets not having a better relationship with us when we were younger. Okay, you can regret it but then you have to let it go. You can not live your life regretting something you did not do 30 years ago. It will only drive you crazy. I personally do not harbor any ill feelings towards him or my mother for their decisions. I have no room to judge anyone on their marriage when I have screwed up 3 marriages in 20 yeas. It is not my place to tell them that by divorcing they destroyed our lives because that is just not true. Having gone through a divorce or two I know what they were feeling, and when it comes down to it, if you are not happy in a marriage you will only torture you kids by staying for them. No kid wants their parents to divorce but it is a way of life that has been happening since the dawn of man and it will continue to happen until man is extinct. I told him last night that the hardships of life when you are growing up dictate the type of person you will be as an adult. I am a very self assured and strong person and I am this way because of events that happened in my life. This is how we grow, even the rich pampered kids have hardships to deal with.
I can’t speak for my brothers, but I can say my childhood was good and bad. It had great times, good times, fun times, bad times and horrible times. It is called life. If you don’t have bad and horrible times how do you know when you are having the good times? As a parent I knew I am going to screw up with Joshua, I knew it when I was pregnant, I knew it when he was a baby and I knew it when he was growing up. But, since he did not come with an owners manual, website for tech support or an 800 number to call 24/7 I had to do the best I could. I relied on my mom, his dad and others who had gone through this event of child rearing for advice and help. One day when Joshua has kids (better not be for another 10 years) he will do the same thing. He will turn to those he loves and trusts for advice on how to raise them but in the long run he will do what he thinks is best for him, his family and his kids.
So as I climb down off my proverbial soap box, I want my father (and every other parent out there) to accept that we had a good life, we may not have had some of the opportunities you want for your kids but we did not suffer for it. We lived in a house full of love, we had 2 parents who at the end of the day kissed us good night and watched over us. Yes my teenage years consisted of more screams and less kisses but I never doubted that I was loved. It would have been good to have a perfect relationship with him but it was not meant to be. But then again I am not dying tomorrow and as far as I know neither is he. So there are still years left to create that relationship you always wanted with your children. All you have to do is work at it and see how it goes.