I am happy to say that my blog is turning a corner and it is a big corner too. This is a good move for me but some of my avid readers may be a bit disappointed. I am turning the corner on my relationship with #3 this means that as far as I am concerned everything is over and finished between us. What does this mean about the blog? Well it means that there will be no more discussion about him and his craziness. Why? Well I have come to realize that the only way to eradicate him completely from my life is to do so completely.
I spoke to him for the first time in about 6-7 weeks yesterday and realized we absolutely hate one another. We do have good reason to hate one another, as much as he has hurt me over the past year, I have done the same to him. One thing I can say about my self with total honesty is that when I don’t like you there is no doubt in your mind that I don’t like you. I can’t even force myself to be nice to you, I dislike you with ever fiber of my being. And so that is my way with him. As for him he blames me for every problem in his life and why wouldn’t he. You can’t blame yourself when your life is f’d beyond repair. As humans we are not able to do that so you pick the one person you can’t stand at the moment (in his case, Me) and you blame them. I understand this concept completely because I myself did this for many months. But in order to progress forward in life you have to stop blaming people and accept responsibility for your own actions and your own life.
When I left Houston in 2000 my sister, Debra was pissed at me. She felt I was abandoning her just after she had Joe. For the first time in my life I was honest not only with her but myself. By staying in Texas I was putting my life in jeopardy. I was miserable and suicidal and I forgot that in order to be happy, I had to take the reins of my life and do it myself. There was no one there that was going to guide me to happiness but myself. So I left and for the first time in a long time I was happy, I was free from my restraints that I had in Houston. I was able to express myself in a way I could not do before.
Now 8 years later I have had to accept a lot of changes, my son left me to live in Wyoming and at 21 has no desire to live anywhere else. My husband….well we know that story so let’s move on. I want to move back to Texas but the thought of doing so is scarier than I care to imagine. I am no longer use to being so involved with my family and the drama. It wears me out to hear them talk about it on the phone. I miss my parents more than anything, but I don’t know if I could be happy there or would I revert back to the way I was in 2000. Also, the thought of having to job hunt and house hunt again is just exhausting.
As of today, all I know is that I have a full life ahead of me and I want to be happy in it. At this point the one way that I know of doing that is completely forgetting that #3 exists. My one hope is he does move back to Jersey to his family, as he said he was doing. This ways there is no hope of running into him on the streets again. It will be a chore but knowing that they hates me does make it a bit easier to do. Besides, his hate is my good fortune it does solve several problems that I have been warned about in the future. Much like #2 once I get to this point my goal in life as far as he goes is to make sure he never enters my life again. The next information he will hear about me and my life is that I died and it would probably be way after the fact since I can’t imagine anyone calling him to tell him.
So my blogs new direction is about what is going on with me, what I am thinking, feeling, doing and all about my friends. I hope no-one is disappointed in not hearing about what insanity #3 is up to because hopefully I won't know.