I have finally passed 1-year anniversary of my separation. It was a day of reflection and a bit of the blues. Now before you go getting all woman’s lib on me I am allowed to be depressed once in awhile, because I work so damn much I don’t have time to pee much less be depressed so when I get the chance to wallow and I feel the need to wallow then call me a little piggy cause I am going to roll around in that mud pile of self pity until the sun goes down. Wow there's a picture that is not pretty.
The main cause of my blues was not the lose of a husband, but, the fact that I am not as far along in the emotional process as I wanted to be at this milestone. I have survived all of the 1st. Since the big announcement I have survived our 7th Anniversary; 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, My Birthday, Valentines, Easter and once again Memorial Day. I can’t say I enjoyed all of this but I survived.
I think back to a year ago and I recall telling #3 that I wanted to try and stay friends, to conduct ourselves in a amicable way. Of course I was an idiot back then and he had not spilled his poison from hell all over me yet, but it was still a stupid idea. Way back in October I wrote about the emotions one goes through when they are dissolving a relationship. Let me tell you I have gone through them all and not just once but over and over again. But at this point I seem to be stuck in the hate mode. This is not just a small dislike but this is plain old hate. What bothers me the most is that I firmly believe that you cannot truly hate someone unless you have loved them completely first.
As usually I went to the guides for help with this situation because to be honest it is exhausting hating someone all the time. But to mix things up and get a better perspective on the situation I told Z I wanted Ivey's help on t his subject; not his. The silence of death that followed for a second or two was resounding. But I had a reason for asking that Ivey help me with this; Ivey is the only guide I have that I have specifically assigned a gender to. All the other guides are pretty much unisex, meaning I do not think of them as male or female. If you can remember Ivey is the guide I work with on my spiritual self. Her explanations are simple and straight and I really did not want to hear about how I am wasting my time on a relationship again from Z and the boys.
Once we got started I did inquire as to why she can help me with relationships and Z and the Boys always balk about it. Her response was that this was her area and not their. According to Ivey, relationships both long lasting and flings are part of our spiritual being. They affect us in a way nothing else can. Since she was my guide for all things spiritual she was the one who helped me with relationships. Made sense to me.
I have spent several days meditating and talking to Ivey about why I am stuck in the hate phase of my divorce and what is the purpose of this. The first thing she wanted me to do was spend some time looking at my past relationships and thinking about my mentality on relationships and my ability to depend on the men I am in a relationship with, and when she says "depend on" she wanted me to focus on how I trust them. Not how I can depend on them to pay the rent or take out the trash. But my ability to trust another man with my life.
I came to realize that I always feel like I am lacking in the love area of life because I cannot allow myself to drop my wall of defense and trust another person 100%. To me this was a draw back, and something I was not proud of. Back a few years ago when I had to have surgery I had to force myself to rely on others to just get around. Because of this I spent more time and energy healing myself so I could go back to taking care of myself. I was out of a cast 2 months ahead of time because I hated every minute of having to rely on someone to help me. I am not proud of this but it is who I am.
#3 use to always tell me that when he looked into my eyes he could see a part of me that he could not reach. But if he could reach it one day we would be totally one. He thought it was a level of intimacy that he could not get to and because he could not reach it we would never be able to merge as one. After working with my inner self I found out it was not a level of intimacy he could not reach but a level of trust. To me they are basically the samething. How can you allow yourself total intimacy with someone you cannot totally trust? Since #3 is a person who wants to have access to every part of their partner he just assumed it involved intimacy because he is a very sexual oriented person but with me it was an area that no one has ever gotten to and no one will ever get to it.
When we were first establishing our love, as I like to call the dating stage, I was able to trust him more than any man every before. The brick wall that surrounds my inner self was slowly starting to come down and I was able to tell him more about myself and my feelings. However, I was also under the illusion that he was different than the other men I knew. I thought he was above the pettiness of jealousy, secrets, and the shallowness that plagued most men I knew. Once I was faced with the truth that he was no different and in some ways worse that wall crashed back into place. I starting having the urge to get away from him, even in my sleep I would stay so far on my side of the bed I was pretty much off the bed. But this was my way of attempting to protect myself from what I knew was coming.
Once I made this discovery other things started to fall into place and make a bit more sense to me. Ivey was very up front in telling me that my ability of trust was not a draw back. She explained that not being able to trust someone 100% is not wrong, a person can not trust everyone they know and in my case I will never be able to trust someone 100%. I was concerned that this was going to keep me tied to my earth lbound life again and again until I learned how to trust, when in fact it was just the opposite. I was spending every life time forcing myself to trust someone else and I was not learning the lesson. My lesson was accepting that I can not trust my partner 100% and that is the way I am. I either have to learn to live with that in another relationship or stay away from them all together.
When the realization sunk in I wanted to know why that was. So we did a little trip into the past. I have never been a big "past life regressionist" because I always figured if I was meant to know about a past life I would know. But just for giggles I was enlightened with the knowledge that in my past lives (as both man and woman) I would fall in love and trust my partner with my life and it ended up costing me my life. Each time I did this that trust was turned against me. So this made many things fall into place, such as the never ending fear that my partner is going to kill me. Why should this life be any different? I have actually had dreams of every man that I have been involved with; including #3; killing me in various ways. So many dreams that I can tell you with all honesty that the old wives tale that says "If you die in your dreams you will not wake up." is bullshit. I have died in my dreams a thousand times and I am still here. I have also experienced many other deaths in my dreams but that is another story all together.
Now as I go into my life with the knowledge that I am not a failure because the only person I trust with my life is me, I am a bit more content. I am still pretty positive that this will be my last lifetime on Earth and that is how I want it. There are so many other things to do on the other side that does not consist of me being killed by those I trust and I am ready to start that existence.