My attempts at dating are not going so well. I have had plenty of prospective dates contact me and some are not too shabby. I have gone on a few dates here and there, talked to some guys on the phone, emailed back and forth, you know the usual. I did all the things you do to prepare for dating again, got my nails done, painted the toes, shaved above my knee, I even bought condoms. Although I am not sure if that is so I am prepared or if it was wishful thinking. Either way I think it was the first time in my life that I have ever bought condoms. I have been in committed relationships since I was 14 there was not a need for condoms. But either way, I felt embarrassed yet liberated all at the same time. And a little disappointed when the cashier did not even take notice that I was buying them. Maybe if she was a he I would have gotten a better reaction.
So you would think that if I was going through all this preparation I would be ready for the guys right? Alas this is where it gets a bit mental. First off the date goes well, I actually enjoy myself and then it happens, he wants to see me again. Damn those 2nd dates. In order to see me again he has to do the "wooing" which is usually telling you how much they like you and what a good time they had. Okay that is fine but when the compliments start coming in so do the doubts. He tells me how nice I looked, I doubt him, he tells me he liked my toe nail polish, I get suspicious, he calls me a cute name and I get offended. What the hell is wrong with me?
As I often do when I am confused I started a little self therapy to see what is wrong with me. It then hits me, this is exactly what #2 and #3 did. Well #2 was better at it than #3 was; but either way it was not because they truly felt this way it was because they wanted to "reel me in" as #3 so eloquently put it. They are just saying this because they know as women we want to hear this. So now in a time when I would like to hear it, because it has been years since a man has given me true compliment in a romantic fashion, I am doubting him. Because the only compliments I have gotten from a romantic person in the past has lead to heart ache. So much so that I am canceling dates because I am so skeptical of the whole dating process.
This has lead me to decide that maybe I am not really ready for dating after all. I love the idea of it but I think until my own mental health is healthy again dating should be put on the back burner. I have decided that when a man looks me in the eyes and tells me I am beautiful I want to blush with happiness and I want to go weak in the knees. I don't want to start wondering why he is telling me this.