I am happy to know that I am not considered midlife...yet. When I was growing up 40 was considered over the hill and you had the traditional all black decorations, old people jokes, and what not. I remember being a teenager and thinking 40 was just ancient. Now it is not looking so old, neither is 50...60...70...80...even 90 is not looking too bad.
As Americans we are dealing with a new twist on our everyday life. Americans are living longer and happier lives than ever before. And to be honest, we don't know what to do about it. Being a senior citizen today does not mean that you get put in a nursing home and feed bland pureed food. Today senior citizens are just as active in every way as any other age.
According to a recent report seniors enjoy a healthy sex life just as much as anyone else. Okay, stop thinking about your parents and grandparents before you need to take a Xanax. But you are free to use this information to get your parents to settle down (ie: Mother if you do not stop calling me every 15 minutes I am going to tell everyone I know that you and Daddy still have sex...wild-crazy-Tarzan sex.) You can use this information to traumatize your kids into behaving (ie: If you do not get off that phone right now; I am going to make you spend the weekend at your grandparents. By the way did you know they still have sex after being married 50 years?). Use your imagination you can come up with some good things.
There are currently 42 million people over the age of 50 who are single in America today. 42 MILLION PEOPLE.
Here is my problem, yesterday I was having to accept that I had to compete with all the young, slim, attractive 20 & 30 year old's for dates. Now I have to deal with 42 million people over the age of 50 who are settled, wise, and probably have a good income or are retired and can spend the whole day with someone. Holy crap at this rate I will never get a date again.
Exactly how am I suppose to compete with every single person in America. It is bad enough that when I meet someone I have to pretend to be this perfectly normal person that has a perfectly normal life and does perfectly normal things in my off time. Well honestly, that lasts about 5 minutes, because I have nothing to talk about that is normal.
Here is a run down of a typical conversation for me and a perspective date:
Him: So what do you do for a living?
Me: Well that would depend on what day of the week it is. Monday-Friday 8 to 5 I work for a Mental Health company (goes over great). 7 Days a week I have my own billing company for psychotherapist, Tues & Thurs and every other Friday, Saturday & Sunday I work at a funeral home.
Him: OH....silence
Him: What kind of hobbies to you have?
Me: Silence...Sigh...Do you really want to know?
Him: Oh yes, I bet we have a lot of the same hobbies.
Me: Okay...well I am a ghost hunter and have been for about 20 years, I do spirit facilitating to help spirits either cross over to the other side or help them deal with their problems here in this dimension, I spend alot of time working with my own spirit guides on my own enlightenment, and in the few minutes that is left I am studying to become a mortician.
Him: Wow, we really don't have any hobbies in common. No wait did I tell you that I once lived in a haunted house.
Me: Really, how interesting.
Based on these two conversation I am guessing I will not have to worry about the date where he wants me to meet his mother. Because it will never get that far. I know that my true and trusted friends will tell me "You are beautiful, talented, funny and great person." Well I'll tell you "That and $1 will get me a cup of coffee." Besides with the skills and talents of a good plastic surgeon an 80 year old grandmother can look like she is 20.
I remember seeing this movie and the guy was a typical womanizer, never dated anyone over 25, never stayed with them too long and now that he was in his 60's and had no one to share his life with. So he went back and talked to his old flames to find out what he did right and what he did wrong. I thought about doing that; calling #1 (who is my son's father and we have not been together in about 18 years) calling #2 but he is just an idiot and lies about anything and everything that I doubt I would believe anything he says and of course there is #3. The only problem with #3 is that since June I have heard everything there is to hear about what I did wrong in that relationship. I really don't need to hear anymore because I think the only thing he did not mention me doing wrong was the way I put my shoes on in the morning. So I will save what little self esteem I have left for another day.
However, I would be interested in asking them what I did right in the relationship. That would be interesting to see what they come up with. Because I am of the opinion that when you break up you instantly forget all the good things and only dwell on the bad. Because once you break up that person is now considered Satan's Spawn and they were always terrible to you. Even if it is not true, we are not allowed to remember anything good that ever happened in that relationship.
So my quest for the perfect date will continue. I will continue reading every article on how to date successfully until I get it right. So check back daily for my updates. Tonight I am off from the funeral home so I will have plenty of time to try and manifest the perfect date.