So a few weeks ago I wrote about not being as far as my therapist would have liked regarding relationships. She would like to hear me tell her how I am over everything and ready to find Mr. Right again. Based on the response I received from everyone that post was not taken so well. So I have spent the last several weeks thinking about it and trying to determine what exactly is it that bothers people about someone not wanting another relationship or not having the ability to trust another person enough to have a relationship. I think I have come up with the answer, bare with me. I have been married 3 times in 22 years so it will take some explaining.
Marriage Number One was to Joshua’s father. We were high school sweethearts and got married 3 months after graduating. We both wanted to get away from our families and be independent and on our own. That was great for about 6 months, then I got pregnant with Joshua and within a year the marriage was over. He wanted to live life and see things. I wanted to be a mom and raise an amazing kid. Both, of us went out own ways and did out own things.
Marriage Number Two was a disaster from the beginning. We had been dating since 1989 or 1990 and in 1995 on a whim decided to get married. I wanted to do it so that I could have the opportunity to stay at home and be an at home mom. #2 and I did not love each other, hell we barely tolerated each other. But being married to him gave me a false sense of security so that I could stay home. Again, that lasted about 6 months and both Joshua & I were getting sick of each other. So I went back to work but only while he was in school. #2 and I never had a marriage, we were hardly home at the same time, he wanted his mother for a wife, and we all know that I am never going to be a 50’s wife. So after 4 years of torturing each other we went our separate ways.
Marriage Number Three you all know about. The only difference with this one was I was in love with my partner and I do believe that for a short time he was in love with me. At least that is what I have to tell myself once in awhile.
Now, I have three marriages that have started very differently but all ended the same way…divorce. So here is my rationalization of why I do not want to do this again.
Say when you are a child you drink a glass of milk and get violently ill from it. You now are afraid of milk, because you think it will make you sick. 15 years later you think you have outgrown your issues with milk so you have another drink and find yourself once again paying homage to the toilet king. This was marriage one and two for me. The first time was not that great but we were young and after several years I thought “Why not try again” and the same thing happened. Now after that second attempt at milk your friends start giving you small amounts of dairy products, you have a little chocolate with no ill effects, you have some ice cream and nothing happens, you try a little cheese and again you are fine. So you go for the glass of milk and BAM you are back on the cold hard floor begging for mercy. (Can I paint a picture or what?)
Well this is me and relationships. I have tried 3 times and each time it ends basically the same way. The only difference with #3 is that I now know that I can never allow myself to fall in love with someone again or get into a serious relationship again. A major difference with #3 was that love was involved and when it ended I truly thought I was going to die. The pain and misery was more than anyone should ever have to go through. The military should figure out a way to use that pain as a torture device. But, because of this pain I can never allow myself to get into that situation again. I am sure over time I will have mini-relationships and flings but there will never be a head over heels love for me again.
This is not a bad thing, I know most people out there want nothing more than to find that one person that they will live with forever and that person will never hurt them or do them wrong and that is great for them. Unfortunately, not wanting a serious relationship causes some people you know to pull away. They either do not understand or are afraid to be around someone who is not in a relationship or married. Then you have the friends who are married and love it so much they think everyone should be married and happy like them. If only it were that easy.
So Where Am I At? I am at a place where I am comfortable. I am creating my own life with my own terms. I am learning to enjoy the company of my friends as well as the company of myself. I no longer allow myself to feel lonely when I am by myself instead I focus on the good things I do have. I no longer allow myself to dwell on the past and think how things were. I now focus on what I want in the future. I still have some issues with “memories” and “sentiment” but I am working on those. Instead of thinking about the memories I had somewhere; I go and create new memories. If going to a specific place is hard because I can’t get past all the memories I don’t go anymore and that is okay too.
Posted by
Cynthia