I know that I am in the process of grieving for my little Tunie and yes my emotions are running ramped through my body at the moment. I fluctuate between crying and just sheer depression. I was happy to realize that if I could grieve this strongly for something that has been in my life for less than a month that means I am not dead inside after all. But, what am I inside then?
Last night, I took some sleeping pills and a hot bath then went to bed. I had had enough for one day. I went to sleep and had so many weird dreams it was not even funny and woke up today worse than I was yesterday as far as depression goes. I think I need to drive again. Even though in the last 7 days I have driven over 3000 miles, I need to drive and work out my issues.
There are some days that I feel like #3 and I just split up, I feel like it is September 7, 2007 and not 2008. Like no time has passed and no healing has happened. I hate that. I had a dream last night that I ran into him at a restaurant and he was with another woman and they were getting married. She was pretty and cute and nice enough and in the dream I was happy for them. I don't know what happened after that because I was onto another crazy ass dream that made no sense to me, such as my brother Christopher and I were shopping in Bed Bath and Beyond with a pitcher of iced tea and looking for a strainer and Halloween things. Go figure.
But this morning I woke up and was really hurt by this dream. I know deep down it really does not mean anything, other than the fact that he can still get to me. I also know that it was brought on by my current grieving and it makes sense that when you are still grieving the death of something it will mesh with the new grieving.
I just wonder when will the grieving for him and our marriage be over. I don't think about it as often as I use to, I don't think about him as often as I use to, but apparently my subconscious still does and is not finished grieving yet.
I want modern science create a pill that you can take when you break up with someone and completely forget everything about that person and your life together. That would be great. I would absolutely buy it.
Now I am off to drive, I think.