My drive home started around 5:30 or so in the morning. I wanted to get on the road just as the sun was coming up so I could take advantage of driving in day light hours. I however, did not take into account the number of deer that are out on the road or wanting to cross the road at dawn. I always thought cows were the stupidest animals, I now know it is actually deer, they can't seem to make up their mind if they want to run in the road or not and when they do make up their mind it is usually the wrong decision. I had to stop several times for the deer but never came close to hitting one. Unfortunately there was a little rabbit who was not fast enough to make it across the road and he became part of the circle of life.
I crossed the border into Colorado at 12:30 p.m. and felt a little closer to home. As I got closer to Denver the traffic started getting bad, then the freeway came to a complete stop. I was getting a little nervous because it was about 95 degrees outside and my little car was starting to heat up. So I made a few phone calls trying to get ahold of someone who could possibly help me find another way around Denver. But, they were not available even though I was assured before I left that I could call on them if I needed anything. So after saying a few choice words to about this person, I dug out my map and figured out my route. I realized that just because someone says "Sure you can call me if you need help" does not actually mean that. I now know it means "Sure you can call me if you need help. I won't answer the phone and actually help you. But feel free to call all you like." Okay, so enough about that, I got around Denver just in time to get caught up in more traffic South of Denver because they suck at driving up there. I left Denver with a new form of hatred for that city. It is just a big pain in the ass.
I went on this trip wanting to figure out the meaning of forgiveness and how one goes about forgiving those who have...how do I say it nicely...screwed you up the butt without a kiss or a thank you. I am sorry to say I did not figure this out. So this means I must not be at a point in my life where I can forgive yet. I know with me it can take years for me to be at a point of forgiveness so I will just let it go until it comes along again.
I learned that people come and go in our lives. They may be the most important person to you at one point but eventually they just become another person in your life. As we grow up our lives, attitudes, needs, wants, etc. change. Therefore, the people who are in are life will change in order to accommodate our growing needs.
I learned that I want to be with my son the rest of my life. If it means relocated to Bombay I will do it. As I left Cody, I felt a longing for something. I just did not know what it was. I still don't. The last time I felt like that was when #3 and I were first dating and I would go visit him or we would meet somewhere, I always left with my heart breaking and not wanting to go home. I had this feeling. I dreaded leaving my son behind again. I wanted to stay so badly, but I knew I needed to get back home and start making plans for a life there. I also knew that I wanted a life where I had no attachments to anyone. Meaning, I want to be somewhere that I do not have memories of anyone else there. A clean break, a clean slate, I want to look at a spot and make a memory there not remember a memory of someone else.
Joshua and I had the conversation about why I really wanted to move up there. I did not know, he said that maybe I was looking for some quiet in my life. That most people who move there have already done everything else and they are just looking for some peace. And that is exactly what it is. I have been working since I was 15 non stop in as fast a pace and I can get and I am tired. I want to live out my life peacefully now, I want to learn how to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer, not the latest mall. I really think I can do that up there. So now I just have to get up there. Have no doubt it will happen when the time is right, I am working on manifesting everything I need and when I put my mind to it I usually get exactly what I need.
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Cynthia