Today, is November 30th it is the 24 anniversary of my friend Tim's death. He died when I was 16 in a car accident. At that point in my life he was the most important person in my life and I was madly in love with him. This was the first death I had experienced that was close to me. It was also the beginning of my life of not trusting anyone to be close to me again. If they could be taken away so quickly I could not take the chance on trusting anyone again.
Tim comes and goes around me once in awhile. He is not one that stays in this dimension often, he seems to enjoy the other side a lot and stays over there most of the time. If Tim comes to me it is usually when I am having a very difficult time and he appears to me to remind me of a time when life was not so hard and things were not so dark.
Tim came to me Friday night and it was not in his usual way. He caught me off guard and let's just say the anger I had gotten over came back really fast. As I was lying in my bed attempting to go to sleep, I saw a dark shadow in my bathroom. It just hung there in the middle of the bathroom. I knew it was something more than a shadow because I could not see through it. I could see around it, but no through it. I was pissed, I do not allow any spirits in my bedroom (except my grandfather and he refuses to listen), much less to lurk in the bathroom. So I demanded that whoever it was get the hell out of my bathroom and leave. He ignored me, which made me madder. So I decided to ignore him, since the only way into my house is if I know them I knew there was no danger.
To see him again was nice and upsetting all at the same time. My life when he was here was not a good life for me. I was at odds with my mother constantly, she did not trust me and felt I would make the same mistakes she did in her life. So to compensate for that she kept me on a very short leash and anyone who knows me knows that I am not a nice person when I am not happy. But, I always consider him to be part of my life when it was simpler and he wanted to make me see what it was really like and not my fantasy.
He reminded me of something I had just told Phyllis not 2 days before. That this time was a time to look at what we have hidden, face it, deal with it and move on. He was something I had never dealt with, I understand now what and why my mom did what she did. I have the satisfaction of knowing that I was not what she thought I was. I did not repeat the mistakes she made as a teenager, there was never a chance that I would do what she did. We were two totally different people.
But, when he died a part of me went with him. I literally shut down the part of me that allowed me to trust someone on a level that I trusted him. I can honestly say he was the only person who knew me through and through. He knew my dreams, my nightmares, my hopes and my abilities. We talked in depth about his knowledge that he would not live to adulthood. He knew I would understand what he felt and not be afraid of it. He just always had a feeling that his job in this dimension was to make his parents happy and once he accomplished that it was over. I do not think he knew how or when he would die he just knew it would be before he was an adult.
This however did not make his dying any easier. The first time he ever came to me was at his funeral. As we were attempting to leave the cemetery the car would not start, I went back to his freshly filled grave to talk to him a little more. I assured him everyone would be fine and we would go on and that his job was done and he needed to move on. The cemetery was not the place for him to stay. After a few minutes the car started on its own. He just needed a little reassuring before he started his next journey and I started mine.
So my question to Tim was how do I face what happened 24 years ago? What do I do with the knowledge I have now and how do I apply it to that day in 1984? As only Tim could do he laughed and said only I knew the answer to that question and I had to trust myself to know the solution. In a side comment he also let me know that the person for me is out there and they are looking for me. He asked that I not worry about how I will know love when I find it, I will just know in my heart that it is right and to be sure I know he will come to me when this person comes into my life.
So basically I think I have a ghostly match maker. Wow talk about match made in heaven. Ha Ha.
