A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how I was going to do some casting for a good guy to come into my life. I have held off on doing this and I could not seem to figure out why. I was really into it and ready for it. But, it just did not seem to happen. I could not and still can not get up the gumption to do any casting. So as always I was thinking about it and I realized that whenever I am going to cast I start creating the spells and incantations in my sleep. A lot of time I will wake up and already know the entire ritual. This was not happening this time. In fact I could not come up with anything. So I figured the time is not right or it would be falling into place like always. So I will just hold off until it starts creating on its own.
Today, I was thinking about how will I know when the right person comes along. Thanks to #3 and his antics I can not fathom trusting another man again. I remember how it was when he actually liked me and did not blame for all the misery in his life. Back in the day when he was not ashamed to be married to me, when he would actually talk to me and was nice to me. I remember falling for all of that. Head over heels falling. I thought "This is what love is!" Coming home to a man who appreciated what I did for the family. Having someone who enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to be with me, to take trips with me and just live life with me. Someone who would kiss me for no reason other than I was standing there. Then it all changed and I was blamed for his debt, for the trips we took together, for purchases he made, everything. It was all now my fault and I was the cause of his down fall, his health problems, his financial problems, his weight issues, everything was my fault. In the last 24 months of our marriage there was no love. He no longer appreciated anything I did for the family, he was ashamed to be seen in public with me, he hated spending time with me and he would use any excuse to cause an argument in order to keep me away from him. And I thought "This is what love is? How did something so wonderful turn so terrible?"
So know I have no idea what love is and how I will recognize it. He tells me that I was the one who never wanted to be close and I was the one who pushed him away and never let him "give" me things. That may be true to a point, but what part does he take the blame for? From what I have seen and heard none. So based on this past experience how do you find love? How do you know it is real? I can't give myself to a man for another 7 years only to get kicked in the dirt when he changes his mind. But the flip side of the coin is I don't want to live the rest of my life alone without a companion, a partner, a lover and most of all a best friend. I guess this is my true test in life, will I actually recognize REAL LOVE when it comes and not the fake glamorized love that I have experienced way too much of in this lifetime.