I have to have surgery sometime in the next few weeks. Nothing big and scary but surgical none the less. When I spent time discussing this with my doctor she gave me the options of what could be done and what should be done. Well of course you know me I am going to go with what could be done. I am having the whole procedure done without anesthetic medication so that I can drive myself there and drive myself home. Crazy I know. But, I absolutely can not allow myself to rely on anyone to take care of me. It is not possible and it will never happen.
When I had my ankle surgery I was forced to rely on #3 and friends to drive me around and help me out. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I do not like to be incapacitated and unable to take care of myself. But in my own defense I had no idea it would be as bad as it was. I was planning on being able to drive the following day but that did not happen. I think the doctor purposely withheld that tidbit of information knowing how independent and nuts I was.
So when this new incident popped up and I went through my ritual of refusing any type of assistance or help from the medical profession, I decided to see what it was that makes me so fucking insane when it comes to needing help. First off I want to say it has nothing to do with #3 and is all #2’s fault and part of my parents fault.
In 1994 I got pregnant, it was a surprise and I was so unprepared for it. I was going through a tremendous amount of personal issues already, my grandfather was died and my best friends father, who was a father to me as well, died and the stress of these two events was almost more than I could handle. The thought of bringing a child into my insane life hurt me to the core. No one deserved to live in my insane world, certainly not an innocent child. Several weeks into the pregnancy I had a miscarriage. It was a mutually agreed upon event between me and the spirit of the child. It started out fairly easy as miscarriages go but in the dark hours of the morning I started hemorrhaging way too much. After awhile I got it under control and figured that I might as well go to work since it was next door to my OB’s office. Unfortunately for me the drive started everything up again only worse. By the time I got to the office I was in pretty bad shape. I called #2 and he literally told me he was too busy to talk to me. I tried to tell him what was going on but he hung up on me. My co worker took me to the hospital, my office manager called my OB and then #2 and according to the other staff members basically told him where to go.
I don’t remember much about the entire event after that. I remember getting to the hospital and having too wait forever before my doctor actually came looking for me. They wheeled me into the OR and I don’t have any recollection of events until I woke up with that idiot standing over me acting like he saved my life. The doctor came in and very frankly told us that if I had waited much longer I would have died. He acted like the concerned caring partner. Getting all the instruction on how to care for me; like he was going to do anything. Asking her all the right questions you would ask when this happens. All I know is I was pissed, in pain and hurt beyond reason. While I laid there in and out of sleep he told anyone who would listen how he drove 100 mph to get to the hospital, even getting stopped by the cops and refusing to stay because he was so worried about me. The only ones who knew the truth were my co workers and my mother. He had the hospital staff eating out of his hand showing how much he cared for me and was devastated that I had lost our baby. He was worried I would never be able to have another child again. He was sort of right on that issue. I would never have another child again and I was told shortly after that the chances of me getting pregnant were very slim. But that was okay, since I did not want one anyways.
One think I can remember perfectly is this feeling of pure disgust with him. This event started the whole process of me never allowing myself to rely on anyone to get me through a crisis. If I could not do it on my own it would not get done. I looked at my mom and dad and asked them to please take me home. He argued and wanted me to go with him. I am sure he planned on dropping me off at my parents because he never wanted to take care of me or anyone else. But he wanted to look like the loving partner by wheeling me out of the hospital and putting me in the car. But, I wanted to go home with my parents. Besides I had a 7 year old that I needed to explain things to at home. After that I did not talk to him for almost a year. Unfortunately as it happens, time heals hurts and we made up and got back together and that just lead to more of the same until we divorced in 2000.
I personally think this is why I don’t get sick often as well. Even a cold is something I do not want help with. There is nothing worse than being sick and the person you live with making you feel guilty for being in the house with them and contaminating them. When I am sick, I don’t want anyone waiting on me, asking me if I need anything. I want to be left alone. I get very bitchy when people bug me about it, so I just make sure I don’t get anything that would require outside help.
This is also part of my whole Chiron cycle for 2009. This goes back to the wounded healer in my house of home. I have to learn to deal with this need to be uber-independent in order to heal the wounded healer in my astrology. How this is going to happen is unknown to me but this is why we have professional shrinks and I have a good one. I still have no plans of having any assistance with my procedure either before or after but you never know I may be taught something through it. We will see.