My one goal for the day is to see if my family will call me. So far they have not. I don't really expect them to, they never have in the past. My mother calls me but no one else does. I get calls when they want something or need something, or they are thinking about a vacation and want a free place to stay.
This is one of the main reasons I hate holidays. Holidays are all about family and I really never felt like I had much of one. I have always been more of the black sheep of the family and never felt completely at home around them. Even when I go home I am always reminded that I no longer fit into that world anymore. My family that lives in Florida won't even see me if I go there. They are more interested in my brothers than me. My mothers family has never known us, we only visited them and that was it. There is no reason for them to want to know us. My father and his family have never been in our lives. They were just a stop over when we went to Florida. The only family I really have are my mom, daddy, brother, sister, nephews and niece. I don't have cousins that people talk about, I don't have aunts and uncles that we visit or that visit us. My grandparents are gone. The most important family member I have is Joshua and he is never far away.
Phyllis came to the conclusion that both her and I married people for their family. Not so much for the man, it was their family we wanted. In my case, I knew #2 and #3's family way before we ever became a couple. I loved both of their families and when the marriages ended I lost both of their families. I can say that #3's sister and I have stayed in contact and I don't expect we will lose contact with each other. We have a lot in common and I love her to death. In many ways she is the big sister I never had and never knew I wanted until I had one.
For some reason I am big on making memories for the kids. Maybe it is because I have so many bad memories that the few good ones I have are more special to me. I always wanted Joshua to have great memories of Christmas and his birthday. I tried very hard to give him traditions to pass on to his children one day. I don't know if that will ever happen, I will have to wait and see.
This year I wanted my nephews and niece to have some traditions. I wanted them to have something that they can look forward to every year. I was hurt and disappointed to find out that my sister does not care if this comes to pass. She only wants to make them happy for the moment and does not look to their future. It made me sad to realize that no matter what I want for others I can't always give it to them. It made me really dislike the holidays and just want them to be over even faster.
I spent several days living with this growing sadness over my gift to my nephews and niece being ruined by my sisters frivolity. So much so that I really regretted not volunteering to work for the holiday. But I still had dinner plans with Phyllis and Eddie and in the end I was able to give some gifts to a family who truly appreciated them. It felt good to hand these small items over to their mother who hugged me and thanked me and I knew in my heart her and her children appreciated the small gesture.
For now I have decided that next year will be different. There will be no attempts to make my families holidays memorable. That is their job and I have learned from the past that what I do give is not appreciated it is expected. Next year will be about those who need help and appreciate it. I will look to give to them instead of those who do not need it. I am not saying I won't buy gifts for my family, I am sure I will. But it will be a simple gift and that is all. It will not be a process that starts in June and has me shopping til the last minute trying to find the perfect thing for them.
I think it is time to start making my own traditions for myself and I think starting in 2009 I will focus on what makes me happy and I will take the dogs and go on a trip for Christmas. We will have to see. I only have one more celebration to get through then I am free and clear until next Thanksgiving.