It has been exactly 10 months since my marriage dissolved and I became a single person. I thought I would look back on the last 10 months and see what I have accomplished and learned and what mistakes I have made (that I am willing to admit to).
Probably the most important lesson I have learned is that I can live alone and be very happy in doing it. I have actually grown very fond of my little house and I am enjoying making it my own. When I first moved out I was scared to live by myself, I had not had the chance to do this in the past other than for a few days at a time and I was not sure I would be able to sleep. But, I discovered that when you remove the tension and negative vibrations that surround you it is very easy to be comfortable and actually rest.
One of the biggest challenges that I had over the past 10 months was the dire financial straights I found myself in. I was hardly making ends meet when I was married and we had 2 incomes but now I was on my own with the same bills and a $700 rent payment on top of everything else. I can't tell you the number of nights I stayed awake worried about how I was going to make ends meet. It was truly the worse feeling I think I have ever had. I got a second job and tried my hardest to cut expenses. But, I did not have a lot of expenses that could be cut. I had to pay the lights, water, gas, insurance, car note, and rent. There was not much I could do about it so I just struggled. This was something I kept to myself most of the time. For me it was so humiliating to know that someone I loved so much would just turn his back on me and allow me to suffer like this. There were days I did not have any money for food or gas. This was an extremely suicidal time for me. But, I had a close knit group of friends that even without me saying anything knew the trouble I was having and they helped me through it. I have to say I must have driven poor Phyllis bonkers. But she never complained and was always there to listen and offer to hex anyone I wanted.
As the year progressed and the holidays started rolling around I struggled with depression and sadness over everything that had happened, however, instead of staying this way I made myself make plans and attempt to enjoy the holidays with friends. I think Phyllis and I did a pretty good job of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was sparse but fun.
I started my Road to 40 Celebration in June as a way of celebrating my life up to this point. I had anticipated it being more partying and less drama and trauma. But, my life has a way of taking turns that I am not prepared for. But, I was certain that I was going to have a great 40th birthday. Of course, Mesa tried to mess that up by basically firing me two days before my birthday. Another turn, but I put on my sunglasses and took the ride. Instead of allowing myself to feel hurt and used by them I decided to use it to my advantage. I took what little money they offered and walked away and I have not regretted it since.
I turned 40 in Sedona, Arizona one of my most favorite places to be with one of my dearest friends, Deb (or Deborah as she is suppose to be called now). It was a great time and I will always remember my 40th birthday with giggles and fondness.
I started school in January in order to get all my prerequisites for funeral school. It is a struggle working 2 jobs and going to school but I am determined to do it. I figure at the rate I am going I should be a funeral director by the time I celebrate my 80th birthday but I don't care.
I did get another job and I like it. It is different from anything I have done in the past and it keeps me very busy. But it pays well and I am slowly seeing the light at the end of the financial tunnel.
I tried to date, but discovered I have no desire to attempt my hand at love, like or anything in between. It was hard for me to admit that when it comes to men I am a major screw up. I have tried 3 times to have a life with a partner and I have failed 3 times. 10 months ago I would have never admitted this, but today I have no problem saying it. There are several things I have no talent for, playing a musical instrument, working with clay, gardening and marriage. I always thought it was weird that people would say a marriage should not be a job, it should just happen naturally. I thought it was something you always had to work at. But I discovered that when you have to "work" at it there is something wrong. At least for me anyways. If two people are meant to be together everything should just fall into place and be natural and easy. Not a full time job.
At this point I have made an agreement with the guides. If they will keep love out of my life for the time being I will make sure I am giving 100% of my energy to being a happy single person. I do not want love or lust in my life it is just too complicated. I want to live my life for me and me alone. I know there are people out there calling me a selfish bitch. But I don’t care anymore. I have been a wife since I was 18 and a mother since I was 19. I have never had the opportunity to just be Cindy and that time is finally here. If it makes me selfish to want to spend my money on me and only me so be it. Many people will think I am cynical about love, well yeah, of course I am. I failed at it 3 times and being cynical is what made me realize that I don't need a man in my life to make me a great woman, I just need me.
So as of this day, March 29th I am doing great. I am finally in a happy place, I work my ass off most of the time and that is fine. I love going home each night and being greeted by the kids. I love falling asleep in my bed alone (except for the kids). I love sleeping with my patio door open so that the fresh air comes in and I wake up to the sunshine and birds. I love being able to once again, get in my car and drive to anywhere I want to go on the weekends and I don't have to tell anyone where I am going and when I will be back. I do tell Phyllis most of the time. Just in case I drive off the face of the earth someone needs to feed my fish. These are things that if I had someone else in my life right now I would not be able to do. I guess you could say I am doing what most college kids do, but since I never had the chance to do that when I was in my 20's I am doing it in my 40's.
Probably the most important lesson I have learned is that I can live alone and be very happy in doing it. I have actually grown very fond of my little house and I am enjoying making it my own. When I first moved out I was scared to live by myself, I had not had the chance to do this in the past other than for a few days at a time and I was not sure I would be able to sleep. But, I discovered that when you remove the tension and negative vibrations that surround you it is very easy to be comfortable and actually rest.
One of the biggest challenges that I had over the past 10 months was the dire financial straights I found myself in. I was hardly making ends meet when I was married and we had 2 incomes but now I was on my own with the same bills and a $700 rent payment on top of everything else. I can't tell you the number of nights I stayed awake worried about how I was going to make ends meet. It was truly the worse feeling I think I have ever had. I got a second job and tried my hardest to cut expenses. But, I did not have a lot of expenses that could be cut. I had to pay the lights, water, gas, insurance, car note, and rent. There was not much I could do about it so I just struggled. This was something I kept to myself most of the time. For me it was so humiliating to know that someone I loved so much would just turn his back on me and allow me to suffer like this. There were days I did not have any money for food or gas. This was an extremely suicidal time for me. But, I had a close knit group of friends that even without me saying anything knew the trouble I was having and they helped me through it. I have to say I must have driven poor Phyllis bonkers. But she never complained and was always there to listen and offer to hex anyone I wanted.
As the year progressed and the holidays started rolling around I struggled with depression and sadness over everything that had happened, however, instead of staying this way I made myself make plans and attempt to enjoy the holidays with friends. I think Phyllis and I did a pretty good job of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was sparse but fun.
I started my Road to 40 Celebration in June as a way of celebrating my life up to this point. I had anticipated it being more partying and less drama and trauma. But, my life has a way of taking turns that I am not prepared for. But, I was certain that I was going to have a great 40th birthday. Of course, Mesa tried to mess that up by basically firing me two days before my birthday. Another turn, but I put on my sunglasses and took the ride. Instead of allowing myself to feel hurt and used by them I decided to use it to my advantage. I took what little money they offered and walked away and I have not regretted it since.
I turned 40 in Sedona, Arizona one of my most favorite places to be with one of my dearest friends, Deb (or Deborah as she is suppose to be called now). It was a great time and I will always remember my 40th birthday with giggles and fondness.
I started school in January in order to get all my prerequisites for funeral school. It is a struggle working 2 jobs and going to school but I am determined to do it. I figure at the rate I am going I should be a funeral director by the time I celebrate my 80th birthday but I don't care.
I did get another job and I like it. It is different from anything I have done in the past and it keeps me very busy. But it pays well and I am slowly seeing the light at the end of the financial tunnel.
I tried to date, but discovered I have no desire to attempt my hand at love, like or anything in between. It was hard for me to admit that when it comes to men I am a major screw up. I have tried 3 times to have a life with a partner and I have failed 3 times. 10 months ago I would have never admitted this, but today I have no problem saying it. There are several things I have no talent for, playing a musical instrument, working with clay, gardening and marriage. I always thought it was weird that people would say a marriage should not be a job, it should just happen naturally. I thought it was something you always had to work at. But I discovered that when you have to "work" at it there is something wrong. At least for me anyways. If two people are meant to be together everything should just fall into place and be natural and easy. Not a full time job.
At this point I have made an agreement with the guides. If they will keep love out of my life for the time being I will make sure I am giving 100% of my energy to being a happy single person. I do not want love or lust in my life it is just too complicated. I want to live my life for me and me alone. I know there are people out there calling me a selfish bitch. But I don’t care anymore. I have been a wife since I was 18 and a mother since I was 19. I have never had the opportunity to just be Cindy and that time is finally here. If it makes me selfish to want to spend my money on me and only me so be it. Many people will think I am cynical about love, well yeah, of course I am. I failed at it 3 times and being cynical is what made me realize that I don't need a man in my life to make me a great woman, I just need me.
So as of this day, March 29th I am doing great. I am finally in a happy place, I work my ass off most of the time and that is fine. I love going home each night and being greeted by the kids. I love falling asleep in my bed alone (except for the kids). I love sleeping with my patio door open so that the fresh air comes in and I wake up to the sunshine and birds. I love being able to once again, get in my car and drive to anywhere I want to go on the weekends and I don't have to tell anyone where I am going and when I will be back. I do tell Phyllis most of the time. Just in case I drive off the face of the earth someone needs to feed my fish. These are things that if I had someone else in my life right now I would not be able to do. I guess you could say I am doing what most college kids do, but since I never had the chance to do that when I was in my 20's I am doing it in my 40's.