Valentine's Day the holiday of lovers...or the commercially insane was this past Thursday and as with Halloween I was traveling. I had some trepidation about my first Valentine’s alone. How would I do? Would I spend the day wallowing in self-pity? I answered that question rather quickly. No I would spend the day traveling thanks to a storm that was suppose to hit New Mexico and never did.
I had my moments though as I drove. But, what I found interesting was that I always have a tendency to focus on when #3 and I were dating more so than when we were actually married. I do get the moments of melancholy when I am reminded of a place we have traveled together and it always happens at the oddest times. But, most of the time I focus on the time from January through June when we were newly in love. Those six months were some of the happiest I have had in my life. It was a new relationship and it was always exciting and fun. Even though after we got married we had good times these are the one’s I remember as being perfect.
Valentine’s Day 2000 I went to Tucson for a few days. #3 had only lived there a few weeks but we took the town by storm. Now remember this was my first experience traveling alone and west of San Antonio. These days were what made me fall in love with him. He was wonderful, caring, attentive, passionate, basically everything I wanted in a person and then some. Valentine’s after that were nice he always remembered with something. We never went all out but we did something.
Anyway, enough of the dribble, on the drive back I worked with the Z and the Boys (aka: The Guides). I have mentioned before they are not much into relationships. They are okay with relationships and at times they even encourage them. Not as a way of life but as a learning tool or experience. They feel your way of life should be about you and what you are about. Not about you based on someone else. I was getting upset because I kept falling back onto this time. I felt almost stuck in Y2K; as I often do I begged for some reasoning behind this “issue” I seem to have. Their explanation was mind blowing.
They explained that I was not falling back on memories of him alone, but memories of when I declared my independence for the first time. #3 just happened to be along for the ride. This was a time when I had left #2 and ended our 11 year relationship, I was living alone for the first time with Joshua and doing really well both personally and professionally. I was allowing myself to take trips without Joshua and not feeling guilty. This was my way of telling the world that I was a good mother and I could go places alone and still be a good mother. I was telling the world that I was single and happy and that was okay too. #3 just happened to be there.
However, I was still concerned that I allowed myself to fall into a relationship so quickly and completely. Z told me that it was part of the process. Up until that point in my life I had never experienced a relationship where I was the center of attention and #3 truly wanted to be with me and he wanted (at the time) to spend the rest of his life with me. So when the opportunity came along I jumped at it. However, since independence was fairly new to me I had a problem brewing. I had to decide what I wanted more an independent life or a relationship. I battled this one for 7 years. There would be times that I would feel like I did not have a place in my own home. I would go into a phase where all I did was work. That is where I wanted to be and it was because at work it was just me. This was starting to cause problems because I was supposed to be part of a relationship. At this point Z was also starting to tell me my own enlightenment was going to cause problems because it was something others might not understand and they would feel like they either knew more about my own path or they did not know anything at all. Either way, I was going to start getting anxious. I could see the path to enlightenment but it was not the path I was on. So there was going to be a big problem for me down the road. I would either have to take the path for my own enlightenment and continue it alone or stay on the path with a relationship that had turned sour and was not healthy for anyone.
So as my drive concluded after many tears, many rants and many ravings. I was left with one thought. I was obsessing over one thing and it was really something else all together. It just goes to show that as a human we can only see things from one perspective or as one sided. But my guides can see things in a multitude of ways. What this does for me is it takes something I consider to be a weakness (i.e.: feeling like I am stuck in the past) and turn it into an important lesson toward enlightenment.
So as Valentine’s Day 2008 ended what did I do? Well I did get home before the non-storm and had Friday off to play. I promised myself that I would go out and find me something nice for Valentine’s Day as a gift to myself. I did not buy any chocolates or flowers. I did not get myself some sexy lingerie since I live alone that would have been just weird. I did however buy myself the most beautiful pair of spiked heel leather boots that anyone has ever seen. They are fabulous and I can’t wait to take them out for a spin tomorrow with my new sweater and matching long skirt. Happy Valentine’s Day to ME.
I had my moments though as I drove. But, what I found interesting was that I always have a tendency to focus on when #3 and I were dating more so than when we were actually married. I do get the moments of melancholy when I am reminded of a place we have traveled together and it always happens at the oddest times. But, most of the time I focus on the time from January through June when we were newly in love. Those six months were some of the happiest I have had in my life. It was a new relationship and it was always exciting and fun. Even though after we got married we had good times these are the one’s I remember as being perfect.
Valentine’s Day 2000 I went to Tucson for a few days. #3 had only lived there a few weeks but we took the town by storm. Now remember this was my first experience traveling alone and west of San Antonio. These days were what made me fall in love with him. He was wonderful, caring, attentive, passionate, basically everything I wanted in a person and then some. Valentine’s after that were nice he always remembered with something. We never went all out but we did something.
Anyway, enough of the dribble, on the drive back I worked with the Z and the Boys (aka: The Guides). I have mentioned before they are not much into relationships. They are okay with relationships and at times they even encourage them. Not as a way of life but as a learning tool or experience. They feel your way of life should be about you and what you are about. Not about you based on someone else. I was getting upset because I kept falling back onto this time. I felt almost stuck in Y2K; as I often do I begged for some reasoning behind this “issue” I seem to have. Their explanation was mind blowing.
They explained that I was not falling back on memories of him alone, but memories of when I declared my independence for the first time. #3 just happened to be along for the ride. This was a time when I had left #2 and ended our 11 year relationship, I was living alone for the first time with Joshua and doing really well both personally and professionally. I was allowing myself to take trips without Joshua and not feeling guilty. This was my way of telling the world that I was a good mother and I could go places alone and still be a good mother. I was telling the world that I was single and happy and that was okay too. #3 just happened to be there.
However, I was still concerned that I allowed myself to fall into a relationship so quickly and completely. Z told me that it was part of the process. Up until that point in my life I had never experienced a relationship where I was the center of attention and #3 truly wanted to be with me and he wanted (at the time) to spend the rest of his life with me. So when the opportunity came along I jumped at it. However, since independence was fairly new to me I had a problem brewing. I had to decide what I wanted more an independent life or a relationship. I battled this one for 7 years. There would be times that I would feel like I did not have a place in my own home. I would go into a phase where all I did was work. That is where I wanted to be and it was because at work it was just me. This was starting to cause problems because I was supposed to be part of a relationship. At this point Z was also starting to tell me my own enlightenment was going to cause problems because it was something others might not understand and they would feel like they either knew more about my own path or they did not know anything at all. Either way, I was going to start getting anxious. I could see the path to enlightenment but it was not the path I was on. So there was going to be a big problem for me down the road. I would either have to take the path for my own enlightenment and continue it alone or stay on the path with a relationship that had turned sour and was not healthy for anyone.
So as my drive concluded after many tears, many rants and many ravings. I was left with one thought. I was obsessing over one thing and it was really something else all together. It just goes to show that as a human we can only see things from one perspective or as one sided. But my guides can see things in a multitude of ways. What this does for me is it takes something I consider to be a weakness (i.e.: feeling like I am stuck in the past) and turn it into an important lesson toward enlightenment.
So as Valentine’s Day 2008 ended what did I do? Well I did get home before the non-storm and had Friday off to play. I promised myself that I would go out and find me something nice for Valentine’s Day as a gift to myself. I did not buy any chocolates or flowers. I did not get myself some sexy lingerie since I live alone that would have been just weird. I did however buy myself the most beautiful pair of spiked heel leather boots that anyone has ever seen. They are fabulous and I can’t wait to take them out for a spin tomorrow with my new sweater and matching long skirt. Happy Valentine’s Day to ME.