The holidays were in full swing and I was in full depression mood when it dawned on me that this was the first christmas in my entire life that I was alone. I went from my parents house to having a kid at 19. So I have never been alone on christmas before and it was weird.
In an odd sort of way it was how I wanted it. I was too depressed to have the energy to deal with anyone. I did not want to participate in anything. I declined invitations to party's and get together's just because I was too damn depressed to deal with it all.
I went to my doctor and she gave me some anti depressants and you know what they did? Made me more depressed. Seriously, I was ready to do myself in almost every day. Until I figured it out and stopped taking them. I started lying to everyone and telling them that I was fine with the holidays and being alone. It was what I wanted and in reality it was. It was just not a healthy reality.
The first thing I had planned for December was the office christmas party. I could not figure out how I was going to manage it, going alone without my spouse wonderful. But, I did it. I accepted an invitation to be picked up and given a ride and I went to the party. It was not bad, in fact, dare I say, I enjoyed myself. The next event was the holiday party for the funeral home. This I planned on going to all along because I love these people. It was a fancy get together at the Marriott. I took my safe date, Phyllis and we had a great time. Everyone in attendance was given gifts so that was nice. I talked to people that I knew and listened to them give presentations. I left feeling really good about it all.
As the month progressed I threw myself into working so that I would not get too depressed. I forced myself to keep the tree up until christmas. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to throw that damn Whoville Tree away but I didn't. I made plans to have dinner with friends and we had a great time. I got presents for the dogs that they loved. Of course now they think that every time a bag comes in the house it has gifts for them.
As the month came to a close this was the first year in a long time that when christmas was over I was not disappointed. This was the first year that I did not spend the holiday creating the perfect christmas only to have it never happen. So when December 26th came along and I was on my way to work, I did not feel sad that there were no christmas songs on the radio anymore. I didn't think how I was going to miss the lights up on the houses. In fact on my way to work on December 26th I did not think about anything except the day ahead of me and the fact that I made it through the holidays without doing any damage.
My first New Years was spent the same way, at home, with friends who love me and care about me and want what is best for me. I was asleep New Years Eve by 10pm and it was not because I was depressed and wanted the day to end, like most of the previous years, it was because I was tired. I spent January 1, 2008 looking at my new life and my new status as a single woman about to turn 40 and I was okay with it.
I did not make any resolutions because I have enough issues with disappointment why set myself up for more. But I did decided what I wanted to eliminate from my life in 2008; 1)people who are in my life because they use to be part of it. If their part is over I need to eradicate them from my life and not allow them any of my energy. 2) I want to eliminate the feeling that I need to make other people happy, because I don't. If you are important to me and you are special enough to be in my life then I will make you happy and I won't have to think about it, it will be natural. 3) I want to spend the next 365 days focused on what I want out of life and how do I get it. Not what me and someone else wants out of life and how do we get it. Just me and me alone.