Several months ago I was told by the guides that the time for making others happy has come to an end. My life should no longer revolve around making people around me happy. I do not need to worry about it anymore. This is good in theory, but, I am the type of person who is usually the nice guy. I like to make people happy, I can be out shopping and see something that reminds me of them and I will get it for a gift just to make them happy.
Well every since the guides mentioned this whenever I fall off the "happy wagon" and do something I am gently reminded not to do it again. If it is something that really effects my life it is a harsher reminder. For instance, several months ago I was not in the best of moods, it was a pretty black mood and I was going to stay home from work. But, since Friday was bagel day and I usually picked up the bagels for the office. I decided to go in so that my boss would not have to make a trip over there. In essence I was going in to make her happy by not having to deal with the bagels. What happened you ask? Well my day quickly went from bad to worse. Everyone I dealt with was rude or nasty. I got bitched at by a co worker for mentioning that she sent Reike to another co workers pet. Apparently she was uncomfortable doing this and did not want them to know. WHATEVER. The point was that the guides were harshly pointing out that by making others happy I was wasting my energy. So I took the rest of the day off.
Every so often I will do something and get reminded. Such as with #3 if I do something I am gently reminded by having him totally piss me off by making suggestions such as; I should get into shape and become a high class escort and make $300 a night or I should become a dominatrix because some guys like to be abused. Things like this. At first I could not figure out what the hell he was doing. Why would someone who was suppose to love me or at least care for me suggesting I sell myself to the people that consider a $300 a night whore high class? Then it would dawn on me, I must have done something in an attempt to please him that day. Whether it was get him information for one of his many projects or answer one of his many questions about something. With #3 he does not want me as a wife or companion he wants me as his secretary and day laborer.
So what did I do yesterday, I was at the post office mailing a package and I had the stupid idea that I would check the mailbox and drop off his mail and save him a trip over there. Since our post office box is nowhere near where we have ever lived it can be a pain to go over there. I got the mail and called him on my way out; as usual he did not answer the phone; but he did call me back. I explained that I had picked up his mail and I could drop it off to him while I was out. As I was driving to his house I get another call from him, he wanted to know where I was, because this was very inconvenient for him. He could not decide if he should make his breakfast or not, he wanted to go to the gym, the world was now crashing around his little feet because I was dropping off his mail. At first I was hurt, I was trying to be nice and do him a favor but as always, I was nothing more than a bug on his windshield. I was just a nuisance to him and causing his day to start off bad. Then I got PISSED and when I say PISSED I mean if he had been in front of my car I would have made him the bug on the windshield. That is how pissed I was. All I could do was laugh. It must be terrible to be so single task oriented that you can't handle someone stopping by to hand you mail while you stuff your face. It must be terrible to know that before you go to the gym you will have to answer the door so someone can hand you something. I know he was not worried that I would see his apartment messy or catch him with a girl because I do not go into his apartment. This is just the way he is. He has a schedule and you are never allowed to add anything to it. So I took the mailbox key off my keyring and gave it to him with his mail. That mistake won't happen again.
So the day continues I forget about it and move on. If this is the way he wants to be fine. But I did not need to be reminded of how much he disliked me and how much he only wanted to talk to me when he needs something. So I get home last night after spending the entire day registering for college and I am exhausted. There is email from #3; at first I was stupid enough to think was emailing to ask how my day went in the job search or at the very least apologize for being such a jerk that morning. But that is not how our relationship is. The email was once again a request for information. Can you guess what information he wanted? No! Nothing comes to mind. Well here is the email he sent word for word:
"Cyn, What day, month, and year did we officially separate,...wasn't during memorial weekend? Not the day we signed separation papers, but the day the relationship ended (even though it was over the summer or two before that). J"
I read it and get teary eyed; not over the loss of the man I loved but because I wasted 7 years with this person. First he can't remember the day he toppled my world, he should be able to since he waited until I came back from vacation and had spent 17 hours driving. Then he has to be so rude as to throw in there that it was over before he broke it up. Like that is going to make me feel so much better over all the hassle he has created for me.
It is moments like this that I am so glad I do not have a man in my life because I am sure I would have taken my disgust out on him just because he is a man. Oh yeah, and my response to his email was "I don't know. Why?" he has not had the courtesy to respond. That would be because I am no use to him at the moment. Since I could not answer his question I am therefore not worthy of talking to. And in case he is reading this, Yes , I do know the date and the time and the sun alignment at the precise moment you handed me the "Dear John" letter. But, if you can't remember something that important in our relationship I am certainly not going to tell you. That one you can figure out for yourself.
So what did I learn yesterday? I learned that once they hurt you so badly that you actually plan to put a curse on them you should never think about them again. Walk away and don't look back. Because that is exactly what they did with you. Well until they need help, then you are the most important person in their life.