I was very surprised when I realized that the one year anniversary of the divorce had come and gone without so much as a ripple in my world. I never even thought about it and when I did it was simply in passing as I went through my nightly chores.
I sat down the other day and thought about what has transpired in my life over the last year and how much it has changed. Mostly for the better, there are a few things here and there that could go and never come back but I try not to focus on them. I tried to think about life over that last 2 years and how it had changed and my life today is nothing like my life 2 years ago. There is absolutely nothing that is the same. Even the things I thought that had not changed had changed.
This does make it hard to imagine the future when I know from experience that it can all change in a matter of minutes. Nothing is permanent in this world and no one stays in your life forever. So as I sat pondering the changes in my life I wanted to think about what I have learned over the last year or two. I wanted to know if I have learned things for the better or worse. So let's look at my life as it plays out on most days.
The hardest part of this learning process was losing people I loved and people I thought loved me. The ex is not even a factor in these people, he came, he went and that is that. I no longer factor him into my learning processes, he like the ex's before him are no longer worthy of time in my life or my thoughts. So these are people that I had friendships with and in some cases spent huge amounts of time with. But, the hurt was soothed by the explanation that they came to me for a reason and that was all, nothing more. Many more will come into my life and many more will leave it just the same. I am still learning to be okay with that and remember that life is a journey and we are all on different roads. Some roads cross paths more than once and some don't, so enjoy them while you can.
Even though my life is full and busy, I have learned to enjoy the simple things that happen. I have learned that no matter how tired I am or how little sleep I got the night before, if I spend a few minutes talking to someone I love, be it my mom, Joshua, Phyllis, Gail, Harold or Jeanie my energy picks up and my spirit is full of life again. I have learned that I do not need hundreds of friends, just a few good ones are all it takes. I have discovered that sitting on the sofa on my Sunday off and watching TV is just relaxing, I have discovered that growing grass in my courtyard makes me feel very fulfilled. I have discovered that mowing the grass in my courtyard sucks and I still hate yard work.
But the simplest thing I have learned to do to bring joy and happiness back into my life is giving love and attention that was wasted in the past on undeserving people to the smallest of beings in my life. There is nothing that stops me from being home by 9pm every night. I left at intermission during Mamma Mia, I leave friends houses, I rush visitations so that I can get home to care for the critters in my life. They are on a schedule and 8:30 to 9:00 every night is when they should be experiencing their own free time. All hamsters get out of their cages every night for free time and they have come to expect this. The piggies get pets, hugs and love while the hammies are out playing. The best part is that they know who I am, they have no fear of me, they love me for who I am and they don't waver in their love.
I did learn that Sasha has not overcome her separation anxiety due to neglect from her previous owner. To counter this small setback, I let her follow me around the house for the evening. Whenever she stopped to dawdle I would call her name and she would take off after me. These are the simple things that make my life perfect.
I was surprised to realize in my little mental wanderings that I have not set down and cried in well over 18 months. I have not had a headache since I moved away from #3, I no longer get stomach aches, I no longer get that pain of fear in the pit of my stomach when I wake up and I'm alone in bed, because I know I went to bed alone and there is no one in another room being crazy. I no longer have any of the problems I had in the past. I spent from 1989 to 2007 living with unstable men, men who couldn't hold their own lives together but expected me to work miracles. With #2 I left him literally scared for my own life. With #3 I just wanted my sanity back. I still can't sleep but that is another situation all together, that existed before either of them came along.
I am happy to see that my life right now is actually normal. Well as normal as I can have. I enjoy everyday I have, I enjoy what I have, I don't sit around crying over what I don't have. I enjoy planning my little excursions and I love that I don't have anyone to take this away from me. I love that I don't have to plan my life around anyone else's life.
So this is where I am at which as far as I can tell is a much better place than I have been in a long time. I am happy that I have everyone in my life at the moment because if you are in my life then you are meant to be.
I sat down the other day and thought about what has transpired in my life over the last year and how much it has changed. Mostly for the better, there are a few things here and there that could go and never come back but I try not to focus on them. I tried to think about life over that last 2 years and how it had changed and my life today is nothing like my life 2 years ago. There is absolutely nothing that is the same. Even the things I thought that had not changed had changed.
This does make it hard to imagine the future when I know from experience that it can all change in a matter of minutes. Nothing is permanent in this world and no one stays in your life forever. So as I sat pondering the changes in my life I wanted to think about what I have learned over the last year or two. I wanted to know if I have learned things for the better or worse. So let's look at my life as it plays out on most days.
The hardest part of this learning process was losing people I loved and people I thought loved me. The ex is not even a factor in these people, he came, he went and that is that. I no longer factor him into my learning processes, he like the ex's before him are no longer worthy of time in my life or my thoughts. So these are people that I had friendships with and in some cases spent huge amounts of time with. But, the hurt was soothed by the explanation that they came to me for a reason and that was all, nothing more. Many more will come into my life and many more will leave it just the same. I am still learning to be okay with that and remember that life is a journey and we are all on different roads. Some roads cross paths more than once and some don't, so enjoy them while you can.
Even though my life is full and busy, I have learned to enjoy the simple things that happen. I have learned that no matter how tired I am or how little sleep I got the night before, if I spend a few minutes talking to someone I love, be it my mom, Joshua, Phyllis, Gail, Harold or Jeanie my energy picks up and my spirit is full of life again. I have learned that I do not need hundreds of friends, just a few good ones are all it takes. I have discovered that sitting on the sofa on my Sunday off and watching TV is just relaxing, I have discovered that growing grass in my courtyard makes me feel very fulfilled. I have discovered that mowing the grass in my courtyard sucks and I still hate yard work.
But the simplest thing I have learned to do to bring joy and happiness back into my life is giving love and attention that was wasted in the past on undeserving people to the smallest of beings in my life. There is nothing that stops me from being home by 9pm every night. I left at intermission during Mamma Mia, I leave friends houses, I rush visitations so that I can get home to care for the critters in my life. They are on a schedule and 8:30 to 9:00 every night is when they should be experiencing their own free time. All hamsters get out of their cages every night for free time and they have come to expect this. The piggies get pets, hugs and love while the hammies are out playing. The best part is that they know who I am, they have no fear of me, they love me for who I am and they don't waver in their love.
I did learn that Sasha has not overcome her separation anxiety due to neglect from her previous owner. To counter this small setback, I let her follow me around the house for the evening. Whenever she stopped to dawdle I would call her name and she would take off after me. These are the simple things that make my life perfect.
I was surprised to realize in my little mental wanderings that I have not set down and cried in well over 18 months. I have not had a headache since I moved away from #3, I no longer get stomach aches, I no longer get that pain of fear in the pit of my stomach when I wake up and I'm alone in bed, because I know I went to bed alone and there is no one in another room being crazy. I no longer have any of the problems I had in the past. I spent from 1989 to 2007 living with unstable men, men who couldn't hold their own lives together but expected me to work miracles. With #2 I left him literally scared for my own life. With #3 I just wanted my sanity back. I still can't sleep but that is another situation all together, that existed before either of them came along.
I am happy to see that my life right now is actually normal. Well as normal as I can have. I enjoy everyday I have, I enjoy what I have, I don't sit around crying over what I don't have. I enjoy planning my little excursions and I love that I don't have anyone to take this away from me. I love that I don't have to plan my life around anyone else's life.
So this is where I am at which as far as I can tell is a much better place than I have been in a long time. I am happy that I have everyone in my life at the moment because if you are in my life then you are meant to be.